dh says no to 4th child-i feel scared of next phase of life

[scrunchy]

my dh has said absolutely no to a 4th child.we have 3 age 2-6.
i adore being a mum it is the happiest i have ever been,.the baby phase is so amazing for me,.i adore my kids as the get older but i feel bereft at not having a 4th.he would not discuss it before and now says he feels our family is complete.i feel i want that 4th baby that i never got a chance to go through a pregnancy knowing its my last.also the next phase of my life just scares me ..before kids i worked and studied and never found myself fulfilled by either,i do not have to work now and so studying would just be an expensive hobby,i volunteer but i find the prospect of my life being pick ups drops offs and that for the next 40 years dull.i am at a crossroads that i know we all face i juts am not ready to face it yet,i feel angry that he is deciding for my body,i am just full of resentment for him.i feel like either piling on the pounds and never having sex with him again,or getting out and trying to see if making him jealous works.yes i know this sounds terribly childish,i just feel such a lack of control and dont know how to remain an equal partner in a marriage where my wish is trampled on.

what can i do only accept it .but with resentfulness in my heart that i feel will fester.i feel not listened to and that the lack of real adult conversation is just not on.i feel like a child being told what i can and cannot do.

But there is little point in having a discussion if he is adamant that his family is complete , there is nothing to discuss - he has all the children he wants .

You're being incredibly selfish.

"Give me another baby or I'll pile on the pounds"
"Give me another baby or I'll go out and make you jealous"
"Give me another baby or I'll be ' a very resentful angry wife'"
Do you always use these kind of threats to get your own way?

Jesus.
Who you are shouldn't be defined by motherhood.

"its one baby one person versus a very resentful angry wife"
But it's not just one baby. It's a sixth mouth to feed, to clothe. When this baby grew up would you emotional batter your DP into letting you have a 5th?

I am sorry you feel this way, but honestly, 6 is very young. Motherhood actually becomes a lot more challenging when your children hit 9, so in many respects you should be grateful that you get to give each of your children 30% of your attention when your oldest hit 12 and starts secondary. They will need you more than ever.

I dont mean to patronize you, but motherhood is a joy when your children are small, and it wont be easier for either of you by adding the joy of a baby to juggle with the needs of your older 3.

It is an indulgent thought, to bring another person to the world just because you did not get a chance to consider that your pregnancy was the last.

Then if he has said that he won't change his mind and doesn't want to give you false hope you just have to accept it.

He's been completely honest with you.

You can't ask for anymore and if you do it will probably damage you relationship and in turn affect your existing children. You need to think about the family unit and not focus on your own needs in this situation I think.

Start trying to make peace with it, and if you really can't then seek out some help to get you there.

well i should rephrase i feel scared and angry at being forced into the next stage of life

I really feel for him, actually and expect I'd be showing little sympathy for your upset, and little willingness to discuss it if "one person vs one angry wife" is the sort of unfair stuff that is being thrown at him.

Yes, he has a career and wife and home and kids.

And you have 3 kids and time at home to be with them.

So you're both lucky, no?

He's not dictating to you, it's not his fault that the one saying no has the veto.

Floral , I think he should hear her, though.

for a while, DH wanted another and I didn't , I would always have been happy to hear his thoughts about it.

To be fair, he wasn't considering a lifetime of resentment on the issue...

this stuff has not been thrown at him i am on an anonymous forum unleashing my most inner feelings on the matter,i am not a psycho i am being blunt in my thoughts.honestly i cannot imagine i am the only woman to have felt this way or had to deal with a non talking partner over something so big

The thing is he probably knows that a discussion will end up with the OP trying to brow beat him into submission - she's not exactly coming across as a completely reasonable person .

What are you scared of? Not knowing where you fit?

Delaying by a few years is only delaying the inevitable. Not helpful in the long run. You can't just keep having babies to avoid the next phase. Speak to a counsellor/life coach. Find other things to occupy your mind and think about how you will occupy your time when your children are all in school.

Volunteer in the community. There are needy people everywhere that you can help if you need to feel useful.

So if you're angry and scared at being forced into the next stage of life, how much is that the reason for wanting another child?

I don't understand - surely you're entering that stage ANYWAY - you can't freeze the older ones while you have another baby.

If you think that you are going to resent him, them you need to get to counselling NOW and make sure you don't. And yes, he may need to listen to you for that to happen. But I think you need to work some stuff through on your own, about next stage fear AND letting go of theoretical #4

Are you generally patronised and not listened to? If so, it's another issue to look at that.

BUT - if it IS a general issue, then what are thinking trying to being a 4th baby into a marriage that has that problem?!!

The next stage of your life, and that of your older children, will come regardless of another baby. It will come for your children now, and you will have to deal with it, and a new born. For you, it will come when you are even older and more inflexible and less able to cope, and with 4 kids aged between 8 and 0, then 9 and 1, 10 and 2, 12 and 4, etc. Not a great prospect!

It's out of order that he won't talk to you about it if you're upset. But that might genuinely be all he has to say about it. I can understand your frustration but I think saying 'I feel angry that he is deciding for my body' is a little melodramatic tbh. You don't have a right to his sperm, whether you're married or not. You don't have a right to demand more children - or any at all in fact, whether or not you told him you wanted 4. It's such a massive thing and he doesn't have a duty to give you 4. And what if you had another? That one would grow up too, and you'd be left at the same stage, just a few years later, but perhaps with a resentful husband. I agree with previous poster about getting a job probably doing you a lot of good. Good luck.

I imagine he already feels like he has got 4 children

What if he wanted sex and you didn't?

In a relationship the partner who doesn't want something should always be respected.

Your best bet, it seems, is to let time go and mention a 4th when things are more settled.
In any case, you can never know if a pregnancy is going to be your last, unless you or him are sterilised.

But I agree with others that you should have counselling. Your attitude towards children just doesn't seem particularly healthy for you.

I don't feel sorry for husband at all. He is ensuring that he gets what he wants by shutting down discussion and not even acknowledging the OPs feelings. And the fact he refused to discuss it beforehand isn't very nice. If he was sure he didn't want 4 children why not have had that discussion earlier(emphasis on discussion not 'this is my position, like it or lump it' which tends not to be most people's default position when having a conversation). If he wasn't sure, why not have that discussion earlier?

Is he like this with all discussions/decisions scrunchy?

I feel for your husband too. You are coming across as so immature and self absorbed. How about counting your many blessings and enjoying the family you have got rather than risking destroying?

I too don't understand how you can avoid moving on to the next stage with your children as they are born and there already. Or would you ignore the older ones while you cared for the baby? It all sounds very odd.

oh come on some of you are being ridiculous,i posted my blunt feelings on the matter unfiltered,irrational perhaps but my feelings,i do not speak like this ,to him or anyone,i thought internet forums offer ideas perspective not abusive posts as some have done.i simply want another baby i am broody.i always wanted 4 her always knew it,the lack of communication is demeaning to me.i am not self abosrbed,i am extremely lucky and have amazing children who i hope will grow up to have some of my great characteristics(thanks for asking)of course i would not ignore the others ,honestly i feel some of you pick apart the post to suit yourselves.why>?i am not selfish,anymore than my dh is?

Tbh I wouldn't want to have a discussion with you, and I can understand why he doesn't.

He probably knows that telling you again will make you more resentful, if that's possible. It sounds like your attitude isn't gonna change until you get the answer you want.

There's no need to get personal about the OP .