Marriage regrets (only four months in)

[notlikemoi]

To say I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed of the situation I have found myself in would be somewhat of an understatement. I honestly haven't had a good nights sleep in months as I am wrecked with guilt!

I am turning to you guys as I have always felt that the people on here offer genuinely helpful and useful advice and (some) can even empathise with the OP- regardless of how immorally they have acted. (My best friend since childhood is the only person who is aware of everything that's gone and she sent me an email earlier this evening saying she's "tired of dealing with a selfish b" So as you can imagine I feel extremely lonely right now.

Four months ago I married a great guy. We have been friends since uni and romantically involved for the past 4 years. I was ecstatic when he proposed to me and thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to be with a guy who was such a great catch. However, roughly five months after the proposal I ran into the guy that used to be my brother's best friend and with whom I have always had a complicated relationship. During our teen years we had an on/off again relationship but things ended for good when we both went our separate ways for uni. So I guess you guys can work out the rest for yourselves. We ended up sleeping together and began seeing more and more of each other which eventually lead to us conducting an affair. (My hands are shaking as I type this, which honestly never happens)

We both came to the decision that we should leave our respective partners and "give things ago". However, I had a change of heart (wimped out?) at the very last minuted and decided my fiance was the guy I ultimately wanted to share my life with. I should add, I was slightly surprised with how unaffected the other guy was when I broke things off with him.Fast forward a few months and I now wish we had a future together.

So I just want to know have you guys experienced anything similar? I am desperate to read any advice you could possibly give! Thanks in advance.

I would recommend seeking some counselling for yourself. The relationship with the OM, with all it's false starts and unfulfilled promise, is speaking to some psychological need within you. There is a part of you that craves the emotions you associate with this other man, which is why you can't give him up even though you might well feel that you love your husband and he is the better man.

The trouble is that those feelings which get activated around the OM may actually come from negative experiences rather than positive ones and seem desirable simply because they are familiar to you or associated with a point in your life that was traumatic (which you may not necessarily even remember). Leaving to be with the OM might achieve nothing more than reinforcing negative patterns of self-destructive behaviour.

I would stick with your DH - you will regret leaving, especially in these circumstances. Life seems easy in your 20s, as though there are loads of options. Trust me, it's not like that.

Also I think you're yearning for the ease of childhood/teen years, when you knew this other guy (your brother's best friend). You need to recognise this and let yourself grow up and move on. It's normal to feel intense nostalgia when you get married, and even to think over all the could-have-been relationships from the past more closely.

OP please go see a counsellor before you wreak more havoc. At least talk it through properly first. Surely you, your DH & your future deserves that much? You never know what a bit of perspective might add. It sounds like you're in the eye of the storm of this drama. Any chance you can get a bit of space to think things through?
You can redeem your relationships with your Mum and your best friend but only if they see you doing the best you can. You would probably be horrified if they were acting in a similar way. As you said yourself, we can all be quick to judge. In the long run, they love you and it will be fine for sure.
Just out of curiosity; you said that you and the OM were going to leave your respective partners and then you changed your mind at the last minute. What did the OM do?
I'm not sure how old you are but we all had passionate on/off relationships at uni age. They're brilliant and volatile and dramatic but they're not the stuff that successful marriages are made of.

Best of luck OP, I know you're in a lot of pain and distress. Talk to a counsellor first. Please.

OP,

Firstly: Yes. You need to finish things now. Without meaning to sound harsh on this point, his family aren't going to want to have to see you in all the wedding pictures when they find out what you did. Let them have their wedding day without a constant reminder of your betrayal in the pictures. It's the kinder thing to do.

Secondly: You should have never got married in the first place, but I guess with hindsight you are realising that now.

Thirdly: If I was your mother, I would have slapped you too. You didn't just make one mistake in a moment of "madness" and then do the right thing thereafter. You consistently and repeatedly did this, and made a conscious decision to do so each time. I'm not quite sure how you can square the issues that you claim you know how deplorably you have acted, but you somehow think that everyone should sweep that under the carpet and focus on YOUR feelings and YOUR problems. As others have said, you are doing enough of that for yourself. Maybe your posts aren't coming across in the way you intend them, but it honestly seems like the reality of how you have treated your husband barely registers with you.

I'm actually quite proud of your mother and friend for telling it to you straight. You sound unbearably self pitying and narcissistic.

I was in a very similar place to you immediately after my marriage in regretting having wed. Unfortunately, i didn't at the time have the courage to end it and it limped on for eight years and two children. of course i can't now regret the marriage as it brought me my dcs, but I regret the fact that I mislead my husband for so long as to my real feelings.

It's going to be unbelievably hard to do, but if you are sure that you have made a mistake then end it now rather than later. but make sure that what you're jumping to is better than what you're jumping from...

I think you need to go to relate on your own. To explore your feelings with an experienced counsellor.

With their help you should be able to come to a decision if you are going to give your marriage your best shot or if it's time to fess up and let what sounds like a lovely man go his wn way.

I used to work for them. You will not be judged.

Should you decide after a period of counselling that you will stay, then personally I would not tell my husband. I would devote myself to putting my heart, body and soul into my marriage. Telling him will only tip him apart.

If you didn't use a condom then I would have myself checked out. If you come back clear then he will be fine as well.

If you can do that, you can put it behind you and live your life well.

There's only need to tell your husband if you decide to leave him.

Good luck. You have been silly but it's not a hanging offence.

I don't think my actions really reflect the kind of person I am.

They are the ONLY thing that reflect the kind of person you are. Now you have to decide if you want to be a different kind of person in future.

What do you really want, op? I mean, when all's said and done, how do you want this to end?

Also, what do you want from other people? You haven't got what you want from the two closest people to you - your mum and your best friend, who have both been severe with you - and you haven't got it here, ditto.

I agree you need to see a professional about this, who won't judge or be severe. You can hardly expect your average Joe not to judge or be severe, please see that.