Marriage regrets (only four months in)

[notlikemoi]

To say I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed of the situation I have found myself in would be somewhat of an understatement. I honestly haven't had a good nights sleep in months as I am wrecked with guilt!

I am turning to you guys as I have always felt that the people on here offer genuinely helpful and useful advice and (some) can even empathise with the OP- regardless of how immorally they have acted. (My best friend since childhood is the only person who is aware of everything that's gone and she sent me an email earlier this evening saying she's "tired of dealing with a selfish b" So as you can imagine I feel extremely lonely right now.

Four months ago I married a great guy. We have been friends since uni and romantically involved for the past 4 years. I was ecstatic when he proposed to me and thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to be with a guy who was such a great catch. However, roughly five months after the proposal I ran into the guy that used to be my brother's best friend and with whom I have always had a complicated relationship. During our teen years we had an on/off again relationship but things ended for good when we both went our separate ways for uni. So I guess you guys can work out the rest for yourselves. We ended up sleeping together and began seeing more and more of each other which eventually lead to us conducting an affair. (My hands are shaking as I type this, which honestly never happens)

We both came to the decision that we should leave our respective partners and "give things ago". However, I had a change of heart (wimped out?) at the very last minuted and decided my fiance was the guy I ultimately wanted to share my life with. I should add, I was slightly surprised with how unaffected the other guy was when I broke things off with him.Fast forward a few months and I now wish we had a future together.

So I just want to know have you guys experienced anything similar? I am desperate to read any advice you could possibly give! Thanks in advance.

Of course she has to tell her husband, primary. There are two other people who know the OP is a lying cheat, what's to stop them from telling the husband?

If you're having these kinds of doubts, and you've already cheated on your DH even before marrying him, I think your marriage is likely to fail. I know one example doesn't mean that everyone else's relationship will fail, but a school friend of mine got married to someone she'd been with some time, just after meeting another man at her work. Well her marriage only lasted a year, because this OM turned out to be the one she should have been with - they still are together.

But your situation is different. You've been on/off with this OM for years, and not at any stage has he committed to you. He enjoys having the power to snap his fingers and have you come running, but he won't commit to you to stop you being with other men. HE is a wanker, and YOU are stupid for jumping to it every time he suggests getting together.

You basically want to have your cake and eat it - no one can do that - so decide if you want to be on the end of a string for your OM for the rest of your life, or if you want to cut the wanker out and stay with someone who WAS able to commit to you, despite you not thinking that was worth staying faithful to him.

Of course, if you're still undecided, you could always tell your husband about your affair and let him choose whether or not to stay married to you.

You sound like you wouldn't leave your husband unless you had someone else to go to, but you don't sound at all in love with your husband or the OM, just scared of being alone.

I may have misread it but I thought this was a teenage romance that ended when they went to uni.

Op I don't think is worthy of any naval gazing about how hard it's going to be not having om in your life. He's not been in your life for years and you've coped just fine. Your temporarily hooked on him because of all the drama and excitement. I imagine your husband seems very dull in comparison and its not fair to compare the two.

Om is a coward and a arsehole. I promise you that if your marriage fails he won't be sat up at night wracked with guilt about it . He won't give you a second thought. Start seeing om for what he really is , which is probably an opportunistic cheater then things might become clearer.

@badbaldingballerina123 I should clarify I haven't been very clear. We haven't been in a committed relationship since we began university but throughout the years we have brief spells of "reconciliation" but nothing concrete. Since being with my husband this contact became almost non-existent, well up until the point we began seeing each other.

If you want to be with your husband I believe you must tell him the truth. He deserves to start his married life knowing the truth about his partner. If you love him you owe him honesty. If he chooses to stay with you after that then go to counselling, work on your relationship and always be honest from now on. Any little thing tell him. Being honest keeps you faithful. Never speak to the other guy again.

Or if you don't want to be with your husband then leave him. The other guy may or may not want to be with but that should not be the deciding factor. The decision needs to be husband or single. If when single you get with the other guy that's a different story but don't revolve your life around him. From the sounds of it he isn't that bothered anyway.

I think you need to tell your husband. At least two other people know already. I can see the information getting out.

Secondly, this wasn't a moment of madness, this was a concerted campaign of deception.

Thirdly, even now he's so low down in your list of priorities.

I feel terribly sorry for this having happened to your husband, others knowing and him not even having a choice because of the continued lies.

You definitely need to tell your husband now, definitely if you plan on staying with him. Because if he finds out in 5/10/15 years he will think his whole marriage has been a lie.

How did things start with OM? If you met him through your older brother, were you very young? People can feel hugely significant in your life if you meet them at a very young age, but as others have pointed out, if he didn't sound bothered when you broke it off then your feelings don't seem to be mutual.
I agree with Cariad , the OM sounds destructive. If he had sex with you when you were underage and he was older, particularly "on again off again", that is abusive. The important thing now is to decide what you want to do about your marriage.

Get out of your marriage OP. You state that your husband is a good guy and so he deserves better than this. There is no evidence that you love him, indeed much that you do not. Even if you do not continue with your affair your relationship with your husband is likely to be doomed. You are not committed to him and so ultimately you will leave for someone else. If you really want to change then try counselling, but please do not ultimately destroy a good person.
What sort of advice are you expecting from this forum? You are clearly infatuated with the OM, though clearly he isn`t with you. It may sound like flaming but you are only concerned about yourself.

I think the OM is like a sort of drug for the OP. She can't help herself, she can't imagine her life without him completely, if he rings, she jumps - she's getting a "high" out of being with him.

View it like that, OP - you need to get rid of him completely because what you feel for him isn't love, it's a craving. Get some counselling, learn to get rid of that craving, and you need to still tell your DH what you've done and give him the chance to make his mind up whether or not to give you a second chance. If he does then bloody well put the effort into it - or tell him that actually you made a mistake and leave him to find someone who truly loves him.

Your poor bloody husband. Merrily tootling along completely unaware that his entire life is a lie. I think Mexican has it exactly right. You'll stay if OM doesn't want you, you'll go if he does. You can't even think about being on your own, can you? Why is that? That's a question worth asking. The only decent thing to do now is to tell your husband, leave, and ponder that question. Whether your marriage continues is not just your decision, your husband deserves a say.

My mother slapped me. She actually slapped me when I revealed to her the situation I have found myself in. I was in a bit of a state last night after talking to my best friend over the phone, So I decided I needed someone to lean on. Big mistake. No comforting took place at all. Names were called and all I could do was sob! I was actually quite disturbed how her main focus concerned how good a catch DH is how I won't be able to do better. (DH is a doctor but fortunately i'm in a position where I am able to support myself)
I have never been so let down my mother.

You haven't found yourself in this situation, you created it. I know I'm being harsh, but all the time you see yourself as a victim/star crossed lover you will carry on being a twat. Your mother shouldn't have slapped you, but I imagine she's feeling quite let down herself. Time to put on your big girl pants and realise you've fucked up, and people will react negatively towards you for doing so. And now another person knows. So you must come clean to your husband and deal with the fall out.

notlike unless your mother is toxic she is probably very scared that you are about to be exposed to a world of pain, which ideally she would save you from. Also, she's probably shocked that someone she felt she knew so well could behave in a way that would be so hurtful to someone else. That doesn't mean she's necessarily expressing her pain and fear for you in a very articulate way.

Our parents can love us without approving of our mistakes and bad behaviour - and they can be allowed to express their anger. I'm sorry your mum hit you - she shouldn't have done that. If your mum never has hit you, then I think it's a sign of how very shaken she is herself.

But this situation is not just about you - betrayal affects other people too.

Did you hope your mother would say that she was there for you come what may? If you have a loving mum, I am sure she will be - but allow her a moment of shock, of fear and disappointment.

OP it's not ok what your mum did. Has she hit you before?

I'm concerned that you're replacing the drama of the affair with drama of discussing the affair. And all of the time your husband is being made a fool of.

If my DD had behaved like you have I would be absolutely ashamed.

The fact that your attitude stinks to high heaven with selfishness entitlement and self absorption would devastate me.

I agree with PP that you now have to come clean and tell DH as if not, either your "friend" will, or she will tell other people and it will all get back to him.

If you have a shred of decency you will allow him to decide whether he still wants you.

But somehow I doubt you have the character to do this.

OP you are talking like a troll. Is it possible you actually have no idea the pain and anguish you are about to cause? You seem to be lost in a world full of emotional adults.

Really OP, what you are doing to your husband is really very cruel, as seen by so many posts on here from people whose partner has cheated.

I wouldn't hit my daughter, but I would feel very let down to think she could do such a thing to another human being.

Your OM is an ex, a friend of your DBro, known to mutual friends, still localish and turning up from time to time?

What does you H already know about him, and how he recurred in your life?

It strikes me that there's potential for him finding out, especially if yo keep in any from of contact with OM in future.

Only you can decide whether you end your marriage. Right now it doesn't sound as if it has much going for it. And your resolve to change that sounds flaky at best. You could turn that round, but do you want to?

I think both relationships are not right. If you loved DH, the OM wouldn't be so tempting, if OM was 'the one' you'd have made the clean break and be happily shacked up. You sound too immature to be in a permanent committed relationship tbh. You should tell you DH, I feel sorry for him that so many others know. If it was a regretted one off mistake maybe id think differently but this is a disrespectful catalogue of deception.

No my mother has never once raised her hand to me. She has always been incredibly loving. I know what I have done is wrong but I'm not sure I totally deserved that.

Yes I know I've acted deplorably no-one needs to tell tell me that. I can understand why people think my attitude stinks. But the truth is I'm not a self absorbed drama queen, I don't normally act like this. This situation is turning me into something I'm not!

'The situation' isn't some external thing that has forced itself upon you.

It's simply the results of your choices to date. And the measure of your character will be the choices you make next.

I'm afraid I won't be able be to look people in the eye or hold my head up high if the truth actually comes out. A distant family member went through something vaguely similar and i remember how quick i was to judge and name call.

I don't think my actions really reflect the kind of person I am. The idea of being misunderstood is an issue I've always had.

Your life is going to blow up unless you do some serious damage limitation.

Your mum may have been affected by infidelity herself and your confession may have triggered her. You've also put her in a very uncomfortable position because your husband is going to want to know who else knew.