Marriage regrets (only four months in)

[notlikemoi]

To say I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed of the situation I have found myself in would be somewhat of an understatement. I honestly haven't had a good nights sleep in months as I am wrecked with guilt!

I am turning to you guys as I have always felt that the people on here offer genuinely helpful and useful advice and (some) can even empathise with the OP- regardless of how immorally they have acted. (My best friend since childhood is the only person who is aware of everything that's gone and she sent me an email earlier this evening saying she's "tired of dealing with a selfish b" So as you can imagine I feel extremely lonely right now.

Four months ago I married a great guy. We have been friends since uni and romantically involved for the past 4 years. I was ecstatic when he proposed to me and thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to be with a guy who was such a great catch. However, roughly five months after the proposal I ran into the guy that used to be my brother's best friend and with whom I have always had a complicated relationship. During our teen years we had an on/off again relationship but things ended for good when we both went our separate ways for uni. So I guess you guys can work out the rest for yourselves. We ended up sleeping together and began seeing more and more of each other which eventually lead to us conducting an affair. (My hands are shaking as I type this, which honestly never happens)

We both came to the decision that we should leave our respective partners and "give things ago". However, I had a change of heart (wimped out?) at the very last minuted and decided my fiance was the guy I ultimately wanted to share my life with. I should add, I was slightly surprised with how unaffected the other guy was when I broke things off with him.Fast forward a few months and I now wish we had a future together.

So I just want to know have you guys experienced anything similar? I am desperate to read any advice you could possibly give! Thanks in advance.

I think the advice is to tell her DH. While it's not up there with murder etc, cheating on someone long term while keeping your options open about whether you may someday leave them or tell them or just decide it's unimportant and never tell them what you did makes you worthy of some opprobrium. I'd have a lot more respect and sympathy if she told her DH what's going on and accepted the consequences.

After seeing what an affair does to people, (To myself and my DB), I have no sympathy for OP. I'd respect her if she actually dealt with it instead of using her DH as a back up plan.

OP if OM wanted you he'd be there, with you.

He doesn't want you.

And your DH does.
So that's where you should be, if you want to be!

And for goodness sake, stop talking about your before marriage fling.
Why go to all that bother? You made a mistake before you married, and now move on and recommit to your marriage.

It's no one's business. Unless, of course, you're looking for an out of your marriage, which imvho you should seek, mostly because you need time to sort your own head out, and in part because your DH may want someone married to HIM who wants to be with HIM

Ignore everyone here who is saying your a lying cheat. I think you're just a bit fucked up, and need therapy to sort yourself out.

If you respect our DH, you'd let him know so you can work through this together, if he wants that.

Don't share anything with your mother, her extreme and violent reaction shows that she thinks very little of you, and thinks the marriage is more important (and the status a doctor as a SIL gives her).

You have a lot of work to do on yourself lady.
I'd come clean to my DH if I was prepared for his divorce request, but mostly see how to come to terms with myself. Good luck.

In burdening your mother with your duplicitous behaviour, you've made her complicit in your deceit. Of course you're oblivious to this because you're aren't interested in anybody else's feelings.

It's bloody obvious what you should do but you're trying to come out of this with the least amount of damage to yourself, which iappears to be a recurring selfish character trait.

Your incredibly selfish behaviour to date, does reflect who you, whether it defines you is totally dependant on how you choose to behave now and in the future.

The advice has got more harsh as the thread has gone on, because the OP seems oblivious to anyone else who might be hurting in this scenario she has set up - she seems to think that she has been unfairly treated by her friend and mother, and "let down" by them, and that they should support and help her to decide whether to dump her DH of a few months for the fly-by-night ex, or to stick with her DH (But obviously not tell him in case he then decides to dump her).

No one else needs to consider her feelings - she's doing plenty for herself! Most of us are pointing out that there are other people who are affected by her actions as well, something she seems supremely unconcerned about.

The idea of being misunderstood is an issue I've always had.

No OP, I suspect it is when your behaviour, intentions and character are understood that you start to have "issues."

Sorry about delayed reply vivacia, I don't really have more to add.

Just to reiterate my point though, that I think the worst thing to do would be to continue the marriage because that is what others expect, or in the hope of some kind of moral redemption. I think it is the right thing to do to be selfish in this situation, leave the marriage that is not going to work and give both the op and her husband the best chance of future happiness.

I don't think judging the OPs morals really adds much.

This is just my opinion though, I don't wish to offend anyone

OP. I don't mean to be cruel but you do not appear to have the maturity or emotional intelligence to be in a committed adult relationship let alone married. This is all very adolescent.

I can tell you one thing. OM isn't bothered about you. He sees you as convenient sex. It's no coincidence that he cleared off then came back when you were getting married. He didn't suddenly realise that he loved you and wanted to be with you. He realised that his fall back option was about to disappear and is trying to break up your marriage so that when he is between relationships or just fancies a bit of extra curricular sex you will be there for him as a convenient bedroom partner. Be under no illusions, if you had left your husband it is very likely he may not have left his partner or may not have moved in with you to set up an idyllic new home. He's clearly not madly in love with you. He's manipulating you so that you are there when he wants you.

You don't love your DH. He is labouring under the apprehension that you are and this is unfair on him. It's not fair to keep him in a marriage with someone who does not love him. You need to break your marriage off now to give him the chance to find someone else while he's still young. If you drag this out for years he would have very good reason to be angry with you if he discovered that he had wasted years with you when you had never loved him.

If when you've split you choose to go back to OM to be toyed with and mucked about then you are quite within your rights to do so when you're single. Although I think you would be incredibly stupid to do so. I think most of what I've said to you above would be obvious to you if you actually had the maturity needed to be in an adult relationship. But you really don't seem to. You seem to be enjoying the high drama without any regard for the chaos you're inflicting on the people around you. You've already put your mother and your best friend in an impossible position. It's quite understandable that they sympathise with your husband and are shocked by what you've done.

Did you just want a big wedding and all the attention? To wear a nice dress and go on a nice holiday afterwards? I just don't understand why you married this man. What you're doing to him is not fair, he doesn't deserve to be in a marriage where the other person is deceiving him and doesn't love him. Split now and in your divorce don't even try and gain any financial advantage from it.

Has this man run up debts in order to fund your wedding? I sincerely hope he hasn't. That happened to a man in my family who was paying off his debts 7 years after a marriage that ended after six months had occured. If he has done he will curse the day he met you. Did your parents or his parents help fund the wedding? I think unless you funded the whole thing yourself you are going to be right up shit creek without a paddle with a lot of people on that one.

I don't know what you think you're playing at but it's deeply wrong. You are not Kim Kardashian. If you ever get married again don't expect anybody to take you seriously. You'll probably have to elope.

OP, if you are still reading, your post had some resonance for me and you have my sympathy.

I found the first few months of marriage to DH very hard. I left a not very serious relationship with someone to be with DH (didn't cheat, just knew that I liked DH). DH was very much the sensible choice, my ex was the edgy, well connected muso party boy type, lovely, amazing fun, but the relationship was very volatile and I got fed up with the drama.

Shortly after I got married, I started to feel very trapped, bored and panicky and was starting to regret getting married. I was still in touch with my ex and we met for drinks. It was exciting and flirty and I felt he was my soulmate after all and I very, very nearly got involved with the ex again. I can't really say why, but I managed to pull back from it and decided to try a bit harder with my marriage. We just passed ten years married and I am so glad I didn't screw things up.

Can you give yourself a bit of time? Try and take a step back. I am sorry you have had such a negative experience from your friend and your mother, but I expect they know you very well and just want to stop you making a huge mistake. Please think what you would be throwing away and what for? An on off relationship that will end up off?

As others have said, you made the decision, probably the right one for you, before you got married. There isn't really a reason to change that decision.

Im sure that when you meet OM its all very exciting, but unfortunately its not real life. You arent living with him, you arent in the mundane spells that all marriages go through at times and you have plenty of space. You are cheating on your husband (you still havent said anything much about him) and you are both telling lies, a really good basis for a relationship. Hes clearly not interested in you, though a shag every so often is fine. If thats what you think having a successful relationship is all about, then fine. The trouble is if you leave your husband, your relationship with OP will also become mundane at times (if you are lucky!), and then he will cheat on you (or you will cheat on him) or treat you badly, or both. We`ve seen it all before on MN, but of course he is different and he will bring you happiness.
There is, of course, your husband to think about. You seem to be ignoring his feelings and the lies you are telling him. No wonder your best friend and mother find you disgusting. You seem to be up your own arse. Leave your husband and set him free. You are not fit (or mature enough) to be his wife.

I wonder if we will hear from you again. Similar posters go AWOL after a short time, once they`ve read the comments posted on this site. You have some huge problems, so do something about them!

OP I once had an affair (I was single) with a man like your OM. I was bewitched at the time - I though he was perfect, and loved the fact that we had a shared history. Even when circumstances made us part I was sure I'd always think of him as the one that got away.

Ten years later and now I'm married, I realise that he was the worst kind of needy, arrogant game playing wanker in the world, and not attractive, and not even really my type, and the way he conducted his infidelity was disgusting.

Please believe me, you don't want to be with him.

ps and also what Lambzig said. I strongly suspect that your husband is lovely. I also had a mini rebellion about marriage after tying the knot. I didn't do anything bad, but I was a terrible wife and lamented getting tied down. But years later I am very happy and glad of it.

People always want what they can't have, be it cars, houses, women or men. Fact is the reality of daily life with the OM will not be as glamorous or exciting as it is when having an affair.

You can split from your husband and get together with this other guy but what happens a few years down the road when someone younger, smarter and sexier comes along?

I'm desperately anti cheating but OP is here for advice and support. There's no need to repeatedly tell her what a very naughty girl she's been.

OP, I think you should probably leave the Internet forums alone and have a very hard conversation with your husband. If you can't bear to tell him you will need to be able to live with that, alternatively write him a letter.
Get some counselling, together or separately (Relate do counselling).

I have returned to this thread. I pretty much abandoned it as I found some of the criticism unecessarily hurtful. Many people on here made assumptions and accussed me of things that were categorically not true. I felt my words were manipulated and twisted and then used against me. I did, however, appreciate the compassion and kindness I was shown by some- this was the only place I found i as no-one in real life seemed in the least bit interested in the pain I was experiencing. Something I am still coming to terms with.

After much thought I have decided that I am going to end my marriage. I am unsure exactly when or how I am going to go about this but atleast I know now what I am going to do- which may seem insignificant but this already feels like such a weight off.

My husbands elder sister is due to marry in a few weeks and I feel it appropriate to wait until after the wedding to proceed with seperating. But I have very mixed feelings with doing this. What would most people do?

Do it now. Immediately. There is no right moment.

I suspect it would be nicer for his family not to have you in all the wedding photos also, given the way things are going to go. Sorry if that sounds harsh - you are doing the fair thing now.

A few weeks after the wedding it is going to be something else to delay it. Then Xmas. Then new year. Then valentines. Then a birthday. Then the first anniversary.

There is never a good time.

The sooner you do this the sooner your H can start healing.

If you were meant to be with the other guy it would have worked out.

Grow up and stop hankering after what you can't have.

If you are going to leave your new husband do it soon but think about why you are leaving him as you aren't going to live happily ever after with your ex lover.

At least you are respecting your husband enough as a person to stop living a lie. You made a mistake and strung along a man who loved you and wanted to be with you in marriage. Now give him the freedom to find someone who will genuinely love him for who he is and treat him right.

I do wonder though if being married scared you? Do you not feel worthy of someone's healthy love (without drama, chasing, taboo excitement)? Was it a bit boring for you to have a man without all the games? It might be worth really taking a hard look at your parents relationship and see if there are any connections to your situation.

Hi,

NC and not managed to read through full post but wanted to comment on original post.
I went through a similar situation within the first 6 months of marriage....truly awful time-I was depressed, loss of identity, did I do right thing etc. And had a an affair. At the time I thought he was the bees knees and thought I wanted him more than DH and we would live a wonderful life etc etc. We ended it and I was devastated. Still was unsure on marriage.
I had counselling and started to make a real effort with DH.....he also admitted there were problems (although didn't and doesn't know of affair) and we both really worked at things.
Fast forward a few years and we are so happy! I am so glad that I didn't give up on things and can't even recognise the person I was then-she was a fucking awful bitch!
I still feel guilty but that is the price I have to pay for what I did. I would never ever do anything like that again and my life would be shit if I would have left him/carried on with affair.
Just remember that the grass isn't always greener. I recommend counselling.

There is a reason you didn't want the ex.
There is a reason you don't want your husband.
Be yourself. Be by yourself.
Good luck.

OP, " the one that got away" did so because he doesn't give a flying fuck about you!
Get it?
The pair of you are players, your husband deserves someone more worthy of him.
Seriously, you sound like a 15 year old.
You have got a lot of growing up to do girl!

I would end it now, I really wouldn't wait until the wedding. You will be in a lot of photos as the wife of a member of the family, photos that the bride and groom will want to treasure but be unable to in the same way.

If you were my DD I would say don't do anything rash.

Also you are v young, I would recommend trying the 6 month commitment to your marriage that was mentioned above, to see how you feel after that.

If that seems too hard I think I would advise talking this all through with your DH. Maybe at a time such as a weekend or sometime when there is lots of hours to discuss, argue etc

He might make the decision for you and demand a divorce. Sadly it seems you have been influenced by the attitudes of people like your mother, where marrying a trophy husband is an opportunity not to be missed.

In theory your DH is someone you turn to at time of need, perhaps his response will help you make a decision one way or the other.

Do it now. He deserves to move on ASAP