Marriage regrets (only four months in)

[notlikemoi]

To say I'm deeply embarrassed and ashamed of the situation I have found myself in would be somewhat of an understatement. I honestly haven't had a good nights sleep in months as I am wrecked with guilt!

I am turning to you guys as I have always felt that the people on here offer genuinely helpful and useful advice and (some) can even empathise with the OP- regardless of how immorally they have acted. (My best friend since childhood is the only person who is aware of everything that's gone and she sent me an email earlier this evening saying she's "tired of dealing with a selfish b" So as you can imagine I feel extremely lonely right now.

Four months ago I married a great guy. We have been friends since uni and romantically involved for the past 4 years. I was ecstatic when he proposed to me and thought I was the luckiest girl in the world to be with a guy who was such a great catch. However, roughly five months after the proposal I ran into the guy that used to be my brother's best friend and with whom I have always had a complicated relationship. During our teen years we had an on/off again relationship but things ended for good when we both went our separate ways for uni. So I guess you guys can work out the rest for yourselves. We ended up sleeping together and began seeing more and more of each other which eventually lead to us conducting an affair. (My hands are shaking as I type this, which honestly never happens)

We both came to the decision that we should leave our respective partners and "give things ago". However, I had a change of heart (wimped out?) at the very last minuted and decided my fiance was the guy I ultimately wanted to share my life with. I should add, I was slightly surprised with how unaffected the other guy was when I broke things off with him.Fast forward a few months and I now wish we had a future together.

So I just want to know have you guys experienced anything similar? I am desperate to read any advice you could possibly give! Thanks in advance.

I think you would be better off ending all relationships with men till you decide what to do. Otherwise a lot of people will continue to get hurt. You really must take responsibility for your actions.

Your actions exactly reflect the kind of person you are. That's what they do. It's words like 'judging and name calling' that don't. And they make you sound worse to be honest.

Look, I agree, people are very very quick to judge these things. I've been shocked by how negatively those who haven't been through divorces etc slag off those that have. I think it's more about people feeling good about their own life choices. the ones who are the harshest are often those who have doubts about their own route in life, and wish to bolster it.

I'm sorry your mother let you down and physically hurt you. That's horrible. But you need to be the best version of yourself here. If your husband is a good man but you can't see yourself being with faithfully, you have to let him know that. You can be a better person now. You have an opportunity.

I can understand why the people closest to you don't want to "support" you through this. It's a situation of your own making and the self indulgent whinging would annoy and frustrate me in equal measures. Tell your husband about the affair, he deserves to know.

I don't think you do quite understand or feel bad enough as you'd have sorted this out by now if you had a strong moral centre. I agree you keep de-personalising, i.e. 'the situation' and telling us about your mum and all the people judging you, rather than getting on with cleaning up this mess of your own creating.

If you feel you have always been misunderstood then other people are probably understanding you better than yourself. It is how you behave that defines you more than your mental self image.
I think you need to do some serious reflection on yourself . You do seem to be using self excusing language like, 'just finding yourself in this situation' rather than accepting you chose it through your free actions.

If you don't believe you deserved to be on the receiving end of your mum's momentary bad behaviour, OP, how do you feel about your husband being on the receiving end of months of yours? Not one moment of madness in a fit of disappointment, but a concerted campaign of lying, deception and betrayal?

Your posts are very me-me-me. Very little about the effect your actions could have on your DH, your marriage. You haven't had a big bunch of shit handed to you by a giant external force. You have created this, this is the result of your actions and your choices, do don't act as though you're some helpless castaway - you piloted this ship onto the rocks.

I suspect that if you leave your husband, you'll start regretting it almost immediately. You want the OM because you can't have him, and because he's unfinished business and the one that got away. If you and your DH split up, I would bet good money that it's only then you'd really appreciate his good qualities.

Get some counselling, urgently, to explore why you can't be satisfied with what you have. That stands regardless of what happens with your marriage. Which, TBH, should be as much if not more your DH's decision as yours.

I don't think my actions really reflect the kind of person I am.

Perhaps, perhaps not, but your actions from now do.

Actions always reflect the kind of person you are. Think about that.

You have described nothing here that demonstrates you have a future with this OM. You have only shown that you took what you liked, when you liked.

Your lover didn't mind when you backed off because he was cautious of the reality of the situation and rightly so.

The best advice I could give is that you go away from both your husband and lover for two weeks to help clear your mind.

The thing is, when you cheat on your spouse you don't just lie, cheat and betray them. You lie, cheat and betray everyone you know.

OK you're not married to your mum, your friend or your husband's friends but in cheating on him you have lied and cheated on all those relationships.

What they thought of you, him, and your relationship together, and so your relationships with them, is sullied, spoiled and dirtied. You've changed your relationship with them by your actions.

It's like ripples in a pond. Your mum shouldn't have hit you but your relationship with her will now be changed forever and you need to realise that.

Stop being a coward and tell your DH, he has a right to make a choice of whether he wants to stay with you, just like you chose to cheat on him.

And FGS do it before you think about having children.

Tbh I don't blame your mother for slapping you. Imagine her shame at knowing her daughter is cheating on her husband. Sorry but can't you see the people in your life don't approve of what you're doing because it's just so wrong.

How could you be so cruel.

The moment, the very moment, you started the affair you owed it to your husband to come clean, tell him the truth. It would have been deeply painful for him but at least you would have given him the respect and dignity he deserves.

How could you string him along like this. What a monumental headfuck for him that the entire thing has been a complete - and sordid - lie. The poor, poor man.

I'm not surprised your mother slapped you. Your behaviour is truly reprehensible, desperately cruel and cowardly.

OP you've behaved like an absolute arsehole.

Your poor DH has no clue how badly his wife has been behaving.

People know, so you're always at risk of being exposed.

I genuinely think you ought to confess. I'm not saying your DM was right to slap you (of course she wasn't) but I can see why she would be angry. You've behaved appallingly and need to take ownership of that.

You seem to think you have an entitlement to "support" through this. This isn't about you and what a terribly difficult decision you have to make. This is about trying to cause the least pain for others now. You acknowledge you've done a bad thing. From here all of your thoughts should be about how to least hurt your husband. The only way to do that is to start being honest with him and finally let him see the actual marriage that he has rather than the one you are portraying.

Your mother may love you unconditionally but you can't expect her to support you unconditionally. She is ashamed of you and rightly so. The fact you went to her expecting a shoulder to cry on shows exactly the person you are-and it's not the person you are claiming to be. I think you are so convincing that you even believe yourself.

It's not your fault, it's almost fate, how could you not explore something that has been such a big part of your life, what if he's the one and I lose him forever blah blah blah, you have told yourself anything possible to try and justify doing something that you knew was wrong.
You've tried to create an outside force out of your control but you are to blame for all of this. None of it could have happened if it wasn't for your CHOICE to cheat.

Now stop feeling sorry for yourself, do the right thing by your husband!

I had one of these, a lovely man who I met when I was eighteen, fell totally in love with, and it was on/off for several years till I walked away because he would not commit.

I can't be bothered telling the whole story, but too long I believed there was something special about this person; rather than, in truth, he wanted to sleep with me but not marry me. For as long as you don't acknowledge that you and OM were not starcrossed lovers, and accept that OM was not committed to a relationship with you when he had the chance (the on-off phase), then you are not going to make a happy marriage because your heart will always (foolishly) be elsewhere. Let the idea of OM go, and work on the marriage you do have. Or else let them both go, and work on yourself.

Just wondering where your DH is in all this? Does he have any clue?

Surely you aren't exactly full of the joys of Spring at the moment, so do you think he may be guessing something isn't quite right?

You've got marriage regrets? I think your dh would say the same!

OP you're living life in a deluded little cloud.

Your mother let you down? for what, not condoning your frankly despicable behaviour? I'd say she's hugely upset that you've let her down by behaving so badly, to say nothing of letting your DH and marriage down. I can't say that her slapping you was particularly useful, but she must have really felt bad to have raised a hand to you if she never used to! Do you have any concept of how your actions are affecting other people at all or are you so wrapped up in your "me me me" attitude that you can't see out of your own bubble?

As for your "being misunderstood" - what exactly is there to misunderstand? You were engaged to a lovely man who loves you (from what you've said) and you chose (let's be very clear about this, no one forced you) to go and sleep with a fly-by-night ex who has never committed to you at any stage. You CHOSE to betray your DH before you were even married to him.

Do you think your actions are in any way honourable, decent, or nice? No, they're none of those. No wonder your mother was upset! I bet she thought she'd brought you up better than that.

So what if you can't look anyone in the eye - so what if you're ashamed - you should be! Now bloody do the decent thing and tell your DH before someone else does it for you.

Got to see your doctor? What on earth for? So I guess you guys can work out the rest for yourselves No I couldn't. You have chosen to self destruct and it all sounds immature and selfish, if you were looking for sympathy I'm not sure you're going to get much. Leave your husband, he deserves more than a lifetime of lies and disrespect, because you will do this again, and again. You show no remorse for him, just yourself.

I think you're being a little unfairly flamed here (and I speak as someone who has been cheated on) I think you have probably made a mistake getting married, but nobody has died, you and your husband are both probably young enough to move on and form different lives.

I wouldn't put much hope in the other man, but I don't think your marriage has a future either. I think the very worst thing you could do is stay with your husband because of his earning potential, or because your mum thinks you should, or because you think you should as he's a good man, but you don't really want too. That way you will still be in this position a few years down the line, but have children to think about too.

If I was your mum, I probably would be cross with you for going through with the wedding (especially if it cost a fortune!) but I would want you to have the right future for you.

I have two friends whose marriages ended within a year, one in very similar circumstances to you. She married as she got swept up in the wedding planning, and just thought she should. She knew it was wrong, and divorced one year later. She and her ex have both moved on and are much happier

Try to step back from the drama, be honest about what you want, and you owe it to your husband to be honest there too

I think you're being a little unfairly flamed here (and I speak as someone who has been cheated on) I think you have probably made a mistake getting married, but nobody has died, you and your husband are both probably young enough to move on and form different lives.

Well, one of them doesn't have that option at the moment, does he?

If you have any ounce of respect left for your DH youd let him know what youve been up to behind his back and then leave him. He deserves to be with someone whos 100% committed to him, and him only.

Your only thinking about yourself here, and how this will effect you, how this will make you look, well, all i can say is youve made your bed.

Do the right thing. Stop being selfish.

Inkblinkandmustard agree entirely, but these kind of threads always go this way on MN unfortunately. Instead of advice on how the OP is feeling, people can't help but wade in with OTT opinions on how evil the OP is.

That's your only contribution to the thread?