Please help me sort this mess out, I am so desperate

[sillymillyb]

I was going to name change but I really don't care any more. I am so desperate that I want to end everything, but I have a little boy, and he needs me so I can't. Please help me sort this out, I don't know how to unpick it.

I don't even know where to begin. In the past I have been horrible, actually, I would say I am still horrible quite a lot. I don't mean to be, but I am. I know my mum slags me off behind my back - she gave me her old phone and it was full of notes she had been keeping on me. It scared me that what she had written was so different from what I thought had happened, but I ignored it because she is my mum. I know from other threads on here that we have a dysfuntional relationship and that I need to step back. But I have struggled and now I'm in a mess and still haven't disengaged.

I've found out she has been slagging me off to my brothers and they now have cut me off. Some of what she has said is true but misrepresented, and some is just lies. I am bloody 33 and I am sad because my brothers are taking my mums side in some invisible battle I didn't even know was going on.

The incidents that have caused this are 2 things. The first was when I had an argument with my mum, nephew and son in the car. I was driving. I was trying to stay calm and not engage, but I turned to my mum and said if she continued to talk to me like that then I would pull over the car and she could get out. She told me to pull over, pulled my nephew out the car and walked off. I drove back around the block but they weren't there / weren't answering phones etc. I later picked them back up and apologised to my nephew. He has told his parents, who have said I kicked him out the car and left him by the road.

My mum looks after young adults she used to foster, they have learning difficulties and behavioural problems. One of them had a tantrum (she is 27) and hit my son and me when she was lashing out. I was trapped in the house with her, panicked and called the police. My mum and now brothers have said I have created a drama out of this, am making her out to be evil and I have done worse in the past (I once hit a foster sister - the same age as me, in an argument. I was out of order) I deliberately told no one about this incident so that no one could accuse me of creating a drama

No matter what I do it turns to shit, I know this and it haunts me. I have been trying so hard to be a better person since I had my son. I never go out, I don't see any one, but I can't escape it and I am going to wreck things for my son.

Against all advice on here, I am living next door to my mum in a house she owns, with her doing my childcare for me (she insists - she says I am being unfair to DS and not putting him first if I send him to anyone else because he is so secure and happy with her) I have no money, I don't know how to escape this. I actually rent another house, but the landlord and I are in legal battle at the moment as he was letting himself in unannounced and has taken out the bathroom and won't put it back in.

I just feel I have messed up my life so badly, and I wish I could end it all. My son is upstairs talking to himself in his cot before he goes to sleep and I feel so guilty for what I have brought him into - he deserves more than me, but everytime I try and make things better I make it worse.

So tell me, in baby step by steps, how the hell I make things better please? because I don't know how to do this and I am so desperate.

You're not rushing into things though, are you? You have been thinking about this for a while, and you are going to check out a few things before you even begin to make a decision. That's not rushing into things, is it?

You are building up your business to ensure your future and that of your child. That's responsible and sensible.

You sound like a very mature young lady (excuse the phrase!) and someone anyone would be proud of. I would be proud if my dd (who is only 15 atm, but when she's grown up, you know what I mean!) were to behave with such sense and maturity given the difficulties you have already overcome.

Keep your plans close to your chest. You don't have to tell anyone anything and it would probably be better if you don't, at the moment. Just quietly check things out, what you're entitled to, how to end your contract on the rented flat or how to get your landlord to make it fit to live in, and get some real life support for yourself. Not your mum or your brothers. There may be hope that your brothers will come round, but not yet.

Break things down into small goals. Find out about the flat, benefits you could get, real life support in the form of a counsellor or Women's Aid (preferably both). That'll do for the moment!

You can do this. You know, reading your posts, I do honestly believe that there is nothing you couldn't achieve if you set your mind to it. Don't listen to your mum; her agenda is completely at odds with yours.

I would be hurt by that especially as you were so close. Nothing you can do now and if she is trying to get a raise from you don't let her.

Just reply 'that is so sad, I hope you are ok, at least he is pain free now, you made the kindest choice'

Just always be positive if you have to reply, don't give her anything to work with and twist.

Be the bigger person. She will get bored after a while.

The text about the dog was not harmless. It was strange and manipulative. Don't react to it. Don't reply. If she mentions at some point in the future, just say, "Sorry to hear it."