Please help me sort this mess out, I am so desperate

[sillymillyb]

I was going to name change but I really don't care any more. I am so desperate that I want to end everything, but I have a little boy, and he needs me so I can't. Please help me sort this out, I don't know how to unpick it.

I don't even know where to begin. In the past I have been horrible, actually, I would say I am still horrible quite a lot. I don't mean to be, but I am. I know my mum slags me off behind my back - she gave me her old phone and it was full of notes she had been keeping on me. It scared me that what she had written was so different from what I thought had happened, but I ignored it because she is my mum. I know from other threads on here that we have a dysfuntional relationship and that I need to step back. But I have struggled and now I'm in a mess and still haven't disengaged.

I've found out she has been slagging me off to my brothers and they now have cut me off. Some of what she has said is true but misrepresented, and some is just lies. I am bloody 33 and I am sad because my brothers are taking my mums side in some invisible battle I didn't even know was going on.

The incidents that have caused this are 2 things. The first was when I had an argument with my mum, nephew and son in the car. I was driving. I was trying to stay calm and not engage, but I turned to my mum and said if she continued to talk to me like that then I would pull over the car and she could get out. She told me to pull over, pulled my nephew out the car and walked off. I drove back around the block but they weren't there / weren't answering phones etc. I later picked them back up and apologised to my nephew. He has told his parents, who have said I kicked him out the car and left him by the road.

My mum looks after young adults she used to foster, they have learning difficulties and behavioural problems. One of them had a tantrum (she is 27) and hit my son and me when she was lashing out. I was trapped in the house with her, panicked and called the police. My mum and now brothers have said I have created a drama out of this, am making her out to be evil and I have done worse in the past (I once hit a foster sister - the same age as me, in an argument. I was out of order) I deliberately told no one about this incident so that no one could accuse me of creating a drama

No matter what I do it turns to shit, I know this and it haunts me. I have been trying so hard to be a better person since I had my son. I never go out, I don't see any one, but I can't escape it and I am going to wreck things for my son.

Against all advice on here, I am living next door to my mum in a house she owns, with her doing my childcare for me (she insists - she says I am being unfair to DS and not putting him first if I send him to anyone else because he is so secure and happy with her) I have no money, I don't know how to escape this. I actually rent another house, but the landlord and I are in legal battle at the moment as he was letting himself in unannounced and has taken out the bathroom and won't put it back in.

I just feel I have messed up my life so badly, and I wish I could end it all. My son is upstairs talking to himself in his cot before he goes to sleep and I feel so guilty for what I have brought him into - he deserves more than me, but everytime I try and make things better I make it worse.

So tell me, in baby step by steps, how the hell I make things better please? because I don't know how to do this and I am so desperate.

Thank you everyone for helping me make a plan and see this more clearly. I am taking on board what you are all saying, I really am.

I am scared to ask this, but I am going to. Knowing what I have said above about myself, does no one think my mum is justified in what she is saying? Is it not more balanced now you know everything?

"I was a stripper / I went bankrupt / have been arrested / my sons dad and I aren't together / I punched my foster sister in a fight (This was a total one off)"

Darling, none of these things are "horrendous"! In you own mind maybe, but not in mine.

"I actually rent another house, but the landlord and I are in legal battle at the moment as he was letting himself in unannounced and has taken out the bathroom and won't put it back in."

The landlord has now rendered the property uninhabitable, and you should claim that your contract to rent the place is now "frustrated" and rent is no longer payable. I dearly hope that this is the advice you have received.
Freeing up that money each month means it could be spent on another place.

Thank you bitter, your post made me cry. It means a lot, because I do feel awful about everything.

I am seeing shelter on Tuesday so will know more then, the landlord is saying I offered to put in a new bathroom (I didn't, I said I would buy new tiles if he would put them up!) and as such is saying I've damaged his property - even though he removed the bathroom and had it replastered not me.

He hasn't registered the deposit in the 30 days, and keeps letting himself in, which just makes me want out of the property if possible, but he wants to hold me to the 12 months let and I'm now awaiting solicitors letters off him. It's a bit of a mess really!

Thank you alpaca, those are things that have happened over the last 10 years, pre having ds. I sort of reinvented myself as a middle classed housewife type person when I found out I was pregnant and have tried so hard to fix myself with therapy and living a better/ kinder life.

I understand totally why people wouldn't want me in their lives, because some of those things are deal breakers for some people. I understand why my family can't forget about it, but it hurts when I'm trying so hard to build myself up again to have people knock me down for what feels like unjustified reasons. There is so much ammo to use against me, it feels irrationally hurtful to have stuff that's not real used. Or something, I can't work out why I'm so hurt about it.

Seriously, Op, none of those things are deal-breakers! I hit somene once ages ago when young. Been spoken to by police. 50% of parents don't live in nuclear families. Admttedly I've never been a stripper cos no-one would pay me to walk around with my kit off .

I think yoyr mum has been telling you you are worthless and a lost cause for so long you have started to believe it. But that's bullshit because you're considering how to improve your lot and that is anything but loser behaviour.

I don't see anything in your list which makes you a bad person, horrendous or how you describe yourself. You're not. Many many people behaved outrageously in their youth, pre-children, etc, and then behaved differently. I did. DH did. We are not bad people, or lost causes, and nor are you. Furthermore, you've got yourself turned around against appalling odds, odds which are still there hitting you every day, in the form of your mother. And yet, you are still not a bad person, you haven't given up, you are fighting.

Talk to the Council Housing Officer about the rented flat. Check with CAB. Get a free half hour with a solicitor. Don't stop paying rent until you are sure that you are entitled to do so; I know the LL has made it uninhabitable by taking the bathroom out, but I read or saw something where even if the LL does something like that, if you withhold rent you put yourself in the wrong and he can chase you for money - so check that first.

You'll probably find that by removing the bathroom you are able to break the contract you have with him, but you need to do that the right way. You don't want to end up being chased for 12 months worth of money because you've defaulted.

You need some rl support. You are girding your loins and about to go into battle to get your life in order for your own sake, but mainly for your son's. Get someone behind you. A counsellor is a stalwart support, who will be there every week, keeping your feet on the ground, helping you. It doesn't mean you failed the first time. It is patently obvious you didn't. It just means you need some extra help now.

I suspect that Women's Aid would also be able to help you. There is no doubt that your mother is emotionally abusive.

I don't think being a stripper and going bankrupt, et al are even mistakes. They are just life experiences. So, you have a colorful backstory. So what. That's okay! It's your mother who has turned them into shaming events. She is the one who is keeping you close by thinking she can stop you from future shaming events. (Is she a "What will the neighbors think" kind of person?)

Plot and plan your escape. Chin up. Don't be ashamed.

It sounds like you're family will destroy you.

Leave. Go NC. Start by presenting to the council/local MP re: housing situation and take it from there.

Please don't be too hard in yourself, you are not a rubbish mum.

Lovely, I slapped my sister a couple of years ago. It was a good 40 years overdue, and I don't consider myself to be a monster because I did. Neither are you.

Being a stripper doesn't make you a monster. Neither does going bankrupt, or being arrested. Both of those things can happen to the best of people.

Your family sounds toxic to me, having come from one myself. The best thing you can do is draw a line under it, and go NC. You are not benefitting from seeing them, and neither is your DC.

As for the flat, ring the council tomorrow, he has rendered the flat unuseable, and has not registered the deposit, which is illegal. When I was renting, and my LL hadn't dealt with the deposit, I was told if he didn't do it within X time I could claim it back plus a substantial amount from him. I've no idea if that still holds, but it's well worth looking into; the council will know.

Please stop beating yourself up, I've seen your previous posts on here, and you always seem lovely to me

You've had plenty of good advice that I wouldn't be adding to, but I just thought it was worth adding numbers to not thinking you're bad for the things you listed.

Hope this isn't rude, but I was a bit is that it? Your mum is wrong about you and drama that was a pretty poor show!

Just sounds like a colourful and difficult life.

I'm not with my child's father either. And I'm very middle class neither is my friend and she's proper posh!!

Good luck OP x

I just wanted to say thank you. I went to bed feeling so surprised you hadn't ripped me to shreds.

I have lots to think about, I will be making a plan today to try and get my life sorted. Thank you though, it means a lot you all replied x

Have a good day, [smmile]

Thanks Jux, I am struggling again today if I'm honest.

I texted my mum and asked if she was still available to have ds this week so I could work, she has replied saying yes - if I move him I am being selfish, it isn't in his best interests and I would be deliberately hurting him.

I said in my text I would try and find somewhere else to live to give us both space, she hasn't replied to this, but told my eldest brother who has told my other brother that he will believe it when he sees it and I am only doing it for attention.

I just feel worn down. I won't say anything to anyone about my future plans, but then I feel like I will be accused of being impulsive. I don't know why it bothers me so much, it feels like chinese whispers trying to break me down. I thought family was supposed to be supportive? I haven't actually spoken to either of them in about a year, it just feels like I am being pushed out for no reason.

Is it worth reaching out to your brothers and their partners directly. Maybe through a play date for all the children?

Go with no itinerary, just to see them and to start to rebuild a bond and friendship. Keep things off family matters, talk about the children and perhaps your new business, ask about their summer holidays with the children etc

My grandfather drove a wedge between my mum and her brother, stirring things up on both sides. It wasn't until my grandmother was ill and they spoke properly (in their 60's) they saw what had really happened. Don't wait so long with your brothers.

Think positive, read your list

I'm so sorry you are struggling today - you have been treated very unfairly. I understand a lot of how you feel - my mum makes me feel like this too, and I think gets other family members to take her side. I end up feeling responsible for everything, when part of me knows it isn't my fault! This is what toxic family relationships can do to you, and the mother / daughter one is the worst. Ok, you might not be a perfect person, just like the rest of us (and no worse - you've not mentioned anything that makes me think you are a horrible person!)but this doesn't mean you are responsible for what has gone wrong with your family relationships.
I'm not good at this myself, but distance from your family, especially your mum, sounds really important, if you can manage it. Small steps if necessary, just keep moving in the right direction. And feel proud of yourself for making each small change in getting a better life for you and your ds.
Your housing issues sound dreadful - what a bastard of a landlord! I hope shelter help, might be worth posting a separate thread about this in legal?
Keep going, you are doing a great job for your ds, and your life will get better

Ps I'm not with my child's father either, and don't feel that's anything to be ashamed of, so you shouldn't be either! It would't occur to me to think a stripper was a bad person, I would be likely to assume, rightly or wrongly, that she was vulnerable, financially and/or emotionally, and was being taken advantage of by horrible men.

The reason you think of yourself as a bad person is because your M has taught you to believe it. Guess what? It's all bollocks.

I wouldn't bother my arse remostratong with a toxic. Sure, it would feel satisfying to compose a fuck you / stick it up your arse type letter, but really if you just walked away and left her to it the loss of control and knowledge over you would make her head implode much more effectively.

Sorry OP but she is a total cow.

Thank you all for your messages. I'm sat in a bloody carpark between meetings trying not to cry!

Does she really sound that bad? As in, this isn't how normal families work, bad?

She has just texted me and said she hopes I know this is my forever home and I don't need to move out because of her. I don't know whether to reply and say I know she has spoken to my brothers and is saying one thing to my face and another to them. The pathetic thing is that I want to believe her. I grew up in this house, I struggle to feel safe because I have PTSD after being abused and I feel safe here. My son is happy here. I don't want to lose this home or my family and I don't want this to be true. Which is childish and ridiculous!

Right, I have to pull myself together because I have meetings today and I so need to make some money. Thank you again for all your replies, I feel like I'm being really needy asking you all these questions, I am very grateful for all your replies

You can stay next door if you feel safe there. As long as you don't emotionally rely on your mother she can't hurt you.

Try and view her as your land lady and child care if you can. Keep it emotionally neutral.

When you are stronger and have built up a relationship with your brothers and perhaps have a stable partner, all of whom you can rely on for support then you can think about rebuilding a more personal relationship with your mum if you want to.

Your mum doesn't have know you are distancing yourself emotionally to protect yourself. If you keep it 'professional' you are las likely to get hurt as she will have less to respond to.

I don't mean to worry you or make you paranoid, but your mother sounds absolutely horrible. I don't for one minute believe she is not filling your son's head with the same toxic crap that she's filled yours with. SHE is not in your son's best interest and I would urge you to make a short term 3 month plan of action to find alternative childcare for him.

I would start asking your son lots of questions about what he and nana did and talk about. You might be shocked at what he repeats back.

How old is your little boy?

Of course, she wants you to stay there. She wants you under her thumb. Really, what she should be doing is encouraging your independence.

Ds is 2.5, I truly think he is safe and happy with her though. He goes to nursery In march and then she won't be involved in my childcare at all. It seems to be me it is all directed at, she doesn't involve the kids I don't think.

I haven't replied to any texts yet and think it is bothering her, the last one she sent was telling me she has had her dog put down this afternoon and she's sorry as she knows I wanted to say goodbye but this was for the best. I'm gutted and hurt, but I don't think it was malicious. I hope it wasn't. What a bloody mess. Do I just reply thanks for letting me know? Do I say that it was hurtful and ask why she didn't let me know? I'm next door for gods sake, she passed my front door to take him to her car.