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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I leave partner?

79 replies

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 18:43

Partner and I have been together for over 10 years and have one child. We had him very young (age18 and 20). I attended university and we lived together near where I studied. I completed my degree and we all moved to a new city so I could start my career. In the interim years that followed my partner decided he wanted to also go to uni which I fully supported. The only issue was it was a 5 hour drive from our current city. We decided it would be unfair for child to move again and that he would move to the uni and commute home at the weekends.
All was fine to begin with then the mistrust began to seep in, in ways I was jealous - after all he was having the uni experience I had dreamed of and worked so hard for. He was living in halls of residence, was able to go out when he wanted, photos started appearing on facebook which he tried to hide (they were put up invariably by the same girl all the time).
On occasions he would then ignore me and not answe calls from me cos he was busy with friends. He started to pick arguments with me for no reason.

I then discovered he was a member of tinder; had discussed all our problems at length including very personal issues About me with this girl he had met at uni, I read some of the messages and they all ended with xxx from both of them.

He denied having physically cheated.

I have financially, emotionally and academically supported him with his endeavour to gain a degree.

Yesterday I used his laptop and discovered search terms such as "I can't stop thinking about another woman" etc.

Now when we go out he will sometimes leave me in a bar and flirt with other women around him.

I have confronted him, he says he loves me. He didn't cheat etc etc. I told him his behaviour really bothers and upsets me and he has apologised.

I'm not sure I have the energy to continue with this mental turmoil any longer. I feel I deserve more, I should have more self respect . I don't know what to do.

Advice most welcome.

OP posts:

HansieLove · 14/09/2014 19:24

I would stop supporting him financially. As of yesterday. He can bankroll himself.

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 19:40

Everyone is saying the same thing not sure why money would change or impact on anything. Can someone enlighten me as to why this is an issue? I was always under the impression that couples financially support one another.... Hmm

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 14/09/2014 19:43

It's a question of giving him a kick up the arse that you don't bite the hand that feeds you, he needs to act like he is part of a couple to get the benefits of being in a relationship

WalkWithTheLonelyOnes · 14/09/2014 19:44

It's not up to us to tell you to leave. It's up to you.

We can say it 100 times but it really boils down to you. When you realise you're worth more than that. When you realise you can't be the best mum to your DC when you're head's worrying about whether your partner is shagging round.

We don't make the decisions. You do. But remember that MN is with you every step of the way.

Good luck

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 19:46

Yes. You are being made a mug of.

Blueistheonlycolour · 14/09/2014 19:53

I lived with a bloke that made me uncomfortable - I needed to check his movements etc. he had form for cheating in a previpus relationship.
I left because I was sick of feeling like I was ok until something better came along. I don't know that he cheated on me but it was a head fuck and I decided I'd rather be out of it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/09/2014 19:54

"Now when we go out he will sometimes leave me in a bar and flirt with other women around him."

See, even without all the other things you have mentioned, I'd have kicked him to the kerb for this alone.

He's making a fool of you and he isn't even being subtle about it.

Back2Two · 14/09/2014 20:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/09/2014 20:09

Couples do support each other but in your case you're supporting him while he makes a mug of you. He's using you for all those avenues of support whilst living a single life and disrespecting you in every way. If he hasn't cheated physically it's only a matter of time isn't it!

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 20:13

I kind of knew the answer before posting but just wanted to get the views of others.....

So painful and hurtful. :(

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 14/09/2014 20:51

He is behaving appallingly and is happy to take your money off you, too.

Read through your original post again, OP, and see what we see - a nasty cocklodger.

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 20:58

I've read it and I feel absolutely sick, how could I be so stupid. I have a horrid feeling he physically cheated. I don't know why I'm even thinking about what he has done. It doesn't really matter now. Any coping suggestions? And how do I begin this conversation with him? And remain strong for our child and keep him on a normal routine? I truly feel sick. It's like we are sitting here and he hasn't got a care on the world right now - heartless

OP posts:

JustDontWantToSay · 14/09/2014 21:04

This is a relationship which has come to an end for him. You got together young and it's run its course. Been there, done that. And we had a baby together very young.

If he hasn't cheated physically he certainly has emotionally and the other is only a matter of time.

JustDontWantToSay · 14/09/2014 21:07

I would think that he has cheated physically. Almost certainly.

You have more than enough reason to leave him, just tell him. It's pretty clear that he doesn't want to be with you. How old is your DS? If his dad is away a lot anyway that makes the change much easier

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 21:10

I would imagine he has cheated physically. I think his contempt for you tell it's own story.

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 21:26

The final nail in the coffin was this evening I put up on FB we were in a relationship and he didn't accept it on his wall. Finally why so you think it was physical?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 21:45

What makes you think it was physical? He denies it to the extreme and swears he didn't cheat... I want to believe him... But I also want to hear from an outsiders non blinkered perspective why you think he cheated physical? Thanks

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 21:57

He treats you like shit. His contempt for you is palpable. You are devalued you to him in some way. Of course, we cannot be 100% sure he has dipped his wick elsewhere (yet) but does it actually matter ? He uses pretty words to make you STFU when you challenge him, but his actions tell a different tale. It's all there in your OP.

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:07

I know, rationally I know they are just words. And I had fallen for them up to today. He knows he has it so easy here with me helping academically, supplying cash, and emotionally supporting in some sense.

I don't think he will ever admit he cheated, he knows what people will think of him and couldn't bear the shame.

He told me this evening that his anti depressant might be responsible for some of his behaviours.....!!!!! I have looked this up online but can't seem to find any evidence to back that BS up....

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 22:09

I suppose it makes a change that he isn't blaming you for his behaviour.

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:13

Lol! Yeah why does he try and blame me ? He told me that I had gained weight (I had) and it really turned him off and that was the reason for talking to and texting and meeting up with the other girl....

I think the reason he is staying here to finish uni is cos he can't trust himself to be around her to be honest. Does that make sense?!

OP posts:

losthermind · 14/09/2014 22:14

He is using anything he can think of as an excuse, he obviously has no respect for you as his partner or as the mother of his child. It sounds like a one way arrangement where you provide the security blanket for him and in return he lies and cheats and takes the absolute piss out of you.
You cannot allow yourself to be treated like a mug sunshine, you have your self worth and DS to think about.
If the prick cant see what hes got right in front of him then he doesnt deserve to be a part of your life,
Sneaky bastard needs a sharp shock

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:17

God reading all these posts is insane! It's given me clarity at last. I wish I had come on here months ago. Y is he staying around though? He can't seem to forget this woman, or other women..... Is it normal for men to be thinking of other women in his words "all the time"?

OP posts:

mrsspagbol · 14/09/2014 22:18

You are wasting your time trying to figure him out. He is using you - pure and simple. Sorry.

Original poster

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:20

Yeah that's completely true but you know when your mind is buzzing with questions, doubts and fear that I'm making the right choice and not throwing away what was once a very loving and loyal relationship....

OP posts:

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