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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I leave partner?

79 replies

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 18:43

Partner and I have been together for over 10 years and have one child. We had him very young (age18 and 20). I attended university and we lived together near where I studied. I completed my degree and we all moved to a new city so I could start my career. In the interim years that followed my partner decided he wanted to also go to uni which I fully supported. The only issue was it was a 5 hour drive from our current city. We decided it would be unfair for child to move again and that he would move to the uni and commute home at the weekends.
All was fine to begin with then the mistrust began to seep in, in ways I was jealous - after all he was having the uni experience I had dreamed of and worked so hard for. He was living in halls of residence, was able to go out when he wanted, photos started appearing on facebook which he tried to hide (they were put up invariably by the same girl all the time).
On occasions he would then ignore me and not answe calls from me cos he was busy with friends. He started to pick arguments with me for no reason.

I then discovered he was a member of tinder; had discussed all our problems at length including very personal issues About me with this girl he had met at uni, I read some of the messages and they all ended with xxx from both of them.

He denied having physically cheated.

I have financially, emotionally and academically supported him with his endeavour to gain a degree.

Yesterday I used his laptop and discovered search terms such as "I can't stop thinking about another woman" etc.

Now when we go out he will sometimes leave me in a bar and flirt with other women around him.

I have confronted him, he says he loves me. He didn't cheat etc etc. I told him his behaviour really bothers and upsets me and he has apologised.

I'm not sure I have the energy to continue with this mental turmoil any longer. I feel I deserve more, I should have more self respect . I don't know what to do.

Advice most welcome.

OP posts:
losthermind · 14/09/2014 22:48

Short sweet text
"Its over
You have a week to sort your shite out
You're lucky your gettin the couch
Don't come in mithering me because my ears are sore from hearing your bullshit
Goodnight"

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:49

Ouch...

OP posts:
HopefulHamster · 14/09/2014 22:50

You can do so much better OP. A cliche, but it's true. You're worth more. (More cliches, but still...)

FelicityGubbins · 14/09/2014 22:52

what lost said ^

sykadelic · 14/09/2014 22:53

Don't show him this thread, you may need this later for support.

You don't owe him reasons right now but if you feel you must, I would say something like how you don't trust him, and a relationship can't survive without trust. That all the excuses in the world won't help you get that trust back.

Or you could just say what you said yourself in your OP: "I'm not sure I have the energy to continue with this mental turmoil any longer. I feel I deserve more, I should have more self respect."

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:55

I know I deserve more, I deserve loyalty, trust and love. None of which he gives me. I don't ever see a way back. How do I even begin to glue my life back together. I have no family support here. I'm scared about telling people, embarrassed that they will laugh at me and to those people all those years ago who said it wouldn't last they were right :((

OP posts:
ContentedSidewinder · 14/09/2014 22:56

Agree with sykadelic do not show him this thread, but use that line from your OP but remove the not sure and replace it with I haven't. So you haven't got the energy to continue with this mental turmoil.

The fact that he will not go public about being in a relationship with you smacks of teenage behaviour, not a grown man.

Bless you, you are far too lovely for him. He is an arse.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:58

I did utter them words today and he talked me around and was all hugs and I love you to me - I'm so weak

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:59

But not anymore. I must repeat to myself over and over again that I am more than this, more than him and more than a silly fool to stay in a loveless emotionally abusive relationship. I cannot accept his problems as mine as I did not create them

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 23:04

And now I have to endure hearing my next door neighbour having a shag lol Life is GREAT!!!

OP posts:
losthermind · 14/09/2014 23:06

You have to ask yourself really how long can you carry this facade on until he has humiliated you enough to say you cant stand anymore????
Of course its hard, I completely understand the turmoil you are in,
But you will grieve and pick up the pieces and move forward.
You will do this when you are ready to, it doesn't really matter what we think or advise in reality
I just hope it gives you a bit more strength to come to terms with the decisions that lie ahead of you.
I will say this cliche and tell you that you only have one life, it sounds like you've wasted a decent chunk of it on him already
He doesn't deserve anymore of your time,love,help or compassion from you because he hasn't done a thing to deserve it

lordStrange · 14/09/2014 23:10

You have a golden future, OP. Kick this fool into touch.

Flowers
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 23:15

I hope this all turns out ok and I can truly have happiness again. Whether that be single or with someone who would treat me with the respect and love I know I deserve.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 23:17

One final question: how does one explain all this to family and friends? They will want to know reasons - do I be honest?

OP posts:
Adarajames · 15/09/2014 01:51

Yes, be honest, but as calm as you can so doesn't appear that you're trying to be bitter and blaming. It's him that's behaved terribly, you've nothing to be ashamed of, and by letting people in RL know, you'll hopefully get some much needed RL support

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/09/2014 07:02

If you want to be vague you can say that you grew apart while he was at uni and there is no way back to being a couple, or you can be more explicit with people you trust more. Just don't let anyone question it or imply it's not serious enough. People do that because they are thick and don't realise they aren't always being told the whole story.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 15/09/2014 08:00

Morning all, not sure how FB works but one of his mates I'm not friends with liked my relationship status bits it's not on his page and he still hasn't accepted it to his page.... So I think all his friends may all be able to see it even if he hasn't acknowledged it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 15/09/2014 08:00

It's going to read single in a minute

OP posts:
losthermind · 15/09/2014 08:55

Facebook is the root of all evil,
Do you think things will be better if he acknowledges his relationship status ????
Will it make you feel a sense of achievement, or that you've got one up on the girl in question ???
Your partner doesn't seem to have a thought or care for anyone but himself
Have you spoken to him about it yet or does he think everything is hunky dory ??

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 15/09/2014 09:44

No it won't make a difference not now. I just wanted to see how much he would disrespect and ignore me publicly. I don't own him he is not mine - he has chosen the other girl for his own reasons so the best of luck to them. And I agree facebook is toxic.

OP posts:
borisgudanov · 15/09/2014 12:54

An alternative suggestion for the dump by text, which is the least this twat deserves.

"I can see through your bullshit like glass.
You are shagging some girl from your class.
It just makes me sick
That you think I'm that thick.
Well, I'm not, and you're out on your arse."

SweetErmengarde · 15/09/2014 12:57

That is too good to waste, boris!

Don't text it, OP, post it to his facebook wall!

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 15/09/2014 13:21

God I wish I was as robust as you people I would never have been in this mess in the first place!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 15/09/2014 13:34

And remind me never to get on the wrong side of a mumsnetter lol

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/09/2014 14:10

Never mind him now, OP; he's history. I want to know about this job you've got that pays so much! Can you tell us?

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