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Original poster

Should I leave partner?

79 replies

Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 18:43

Partner and I have been together for over 10 years and have one child. We had him very young (age18 and 20). I attended university and we lived together near where I studied. I completed my degree and we all moved to a new city so I could start my career. In the interim years that followed my partner decided he wanted to also go to uni which I fully supported. The only issue was it was a 5 hour drive from our current city. We decided it would be unfair for child to move again and that he would move to the uni and commute home at the weekends.
All was fine to begin with then the mistrust began to seep in, in ways I was jealous - after all he was having the uni experience I had dreamed of and worked so hard for. He was living in halls of residence, was able to go out when he wanted, photos started appearing on facebook which he tried to hide (they were put up invariably by the same girl all the time).
On occasions he would then ignore me and not answe calls from me cos he was busy with friends. He started to pick arguments with me for no reason.

I then discovered he was a member of tinder; had discussed all our problems at length including very personal issues About me with this girl he had met at uni, I read some of the messages and they all ended with xxx from both of them.

He denied having physically cheated.

I have financially, emotionally and academically supported him with his endeavour to gain a degree.

Yesterday I used his laptop and discovered search terms such as "I can't stop thinking about another woman" etc.

Now when we go out he will sometimes leave me in a bar and flirt with other women around him.

I have confronted him, he says he loves me. He didn't cheat etc etc. I told him his behaviour really bothers and upsets me and he has apologised.

I'm not sure I have the energy to continue with this mental turmoil any longer. I feel I deserve more, I should have more self respect . I don't know what to do.

Advice most welcome.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 22:21

He is staying around because it's easier for him. He doesn't want to look the Bad Guy. He would rather keep you on side and sneak around with other women because he likes to do that.

Be warned though, when something he perceives as "better" turns up, he will drop you like a hot stone.

JustDontWantToSay · 14/09/2014 22:22

I would be virtually certain that he's cheated because:
He's been away from home so no sex
He's clearly mad about another girl
He's been to Uni and that atmosphere can be pretty debauched at times!
Basically, he's wanted to and the environment would have been conducive to him doing so. In fact, if he's refused to accept your relationship status on his wall I'd even think that he doesn't want people to know about you. For what reason, I don't know......

losthermind · 14/09/2014 22:23

IMO he is staying around because:
A. Its convenient
B. You are allowing him to stay
C. He doesn't want family/friends to find out what an utter twats he is
D. Who is going to fund him if he leaves
E.YOU ARE ALLOWING HIM TO!!!!!!!!!

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:29

Sounds like a dead cert he cheated physically I know he did emotionally and I thought i could find it in myself to forgive. The worst part of it was the fact he used to bring this woman up in conversation regularly enough for it to have aroused suspicion. I think the fact I added we have been in a relationship for years to FB and he hadn't added it to his page is cos he was actually in a full public relationship with her at uni... Could I have cracked it?

OP posts:
losthermind · 14/09/2014 22:29

You are clinging to memories of the man you fell in love with sunshine
Ive been there and wasted a further 2 years with EXP
Best thing I ever did was fucking him right off, never looked back
6 years down the line and ive been with DP nearly 3 years
DC are happy and so am I.
EXP did a good number on me but I was young, naive and scared of being on my own,
When in reality I was loneliest and miserable putting up with his jumpsuit.
Only you can decide how this goes
Your self worth is paramount please don't lose track of it

onceinagoldenmoon · 14/09/2014 22:29

Agree with previous posters.

No need to stick around trying to work him out. He is staying around because he can, he is essentially having his cake baked and served to him. And no it is not normal for men to be thinking about other women "all of the time". His behaviour is brazen and he is not showing you an iota of respect.

I can pretty much guarantee that once you part ways and regain your sense of self, he will be back promising you a rose garden. He'll have become a changed man over night. Don't buy into it unless you're up for another cycle of torment.

You've done very well for yourself raising your DC from an early age, putting yourself through Uni and getting a job. Stay strong. You can clearly provide for yourself and your DC, don't let him eat away at your self-esteem. Go forward.

losthermind · 14/09/2014 22:31

Stupid autotype jumpsuit is supposed to be bullshit Hmm

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:34

I think the only reason he now came back from uni is because I landed an awesome job which pays in excess of 100K I don't think he could quite believe my achievement in the year he was away my career flourished

OP posts:
HansieLove · 14/09/2014 22:34

He is staying around because he has a home there and you pay his way. Kick him out, no money. Let him pay for himself. You have been used long enough.

People have been saying to kick him out but you are not. Why?

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 22:35

I was wondering about the jumpsuit Smile

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:35

So I know that me and my child are financially sorted for life as the only way my career is going is up but emotionally it's going to be so hard and I'm terrified

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:36

I guess the reason I have not said it is because tonight is the first time I have ever truly thought and now believe that the relationship is over.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 22:37

What are you terrified of ? You have a bright future ahead of you and a lovely child to share it with. You don't need this cocksure user. Put him out with the bins. His ego won't now what the fuck hit it.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 22:37

*know

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:39

Lol - I'm going to sound a right fool now but I know he has absolutely no money and no where to go. I don't think despite everything I can do that. Would it be reasonable to give him say a week to sort out a place to live and get cash together? Or do I not owe him this....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 22:41

No, not foolish. He has treated you badly but that doesn't mean you have to lower yourself to his level. I think a week is very generous. he will find a sofa to surf on. Probably one of his female admirers.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 22:43

Also, you will need to work out between you some reasonable access to your joint child. I suggest that from the off, he takes dc out and doesn't use your home for that.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:43

Yeah I think that's where he will be heading to myself. It's really not my business any more though. I need to put me and our child first. I feel like I need to take something to calm me down I'm so nervous. How do I begin this conversation with him?

OP posts:
FelicityGubbins · 14/09/2014 22:44

I would text him now telling him he's out on his arse, but I'm a bitch...

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 22:45

You know him best. But be clear, his behaviour has tarnished your relationship and you don't see a future for it. The end.

losthermind · 14/09/2014 22:45

Ive noticed you have another thread OP
So hes obviously fucked off out with his mate, so he doesn't actually give 2 tosses about the state of your relationship
Or the way he has treated you.
It actually sounds like you have a teenage son instead of a partner.
You have to emotionally detach yourself from this and face it head on
Best pokerface on, you cant be treated so appallingly by this bastard

Madratlady · 14/09/2014 22:45

When I was 19 I moved in with my boyfriend. He cheated on me to some degree, emotionally or physically, for the 18 months we lived together. He stayed with me because if he broke up with me he'd be the bad guy and he had to be seen as this lovely good guy, supporting his gf through uni etc. He stayed because I cooked his meals, washed his clothes, cleaned the house, despite his claims that he worked his dead end job (his words) to support us both, I brought in as much money as him so he was never short of cash. I worked nights at least one night a week so he had his own house to himself.

So that's probably pretty much it, he has a nice dependable partner, comfortable family life, clean clothes and food on the table when he's at home. And then he's got his bit of 'excitement' at uni.

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:45

I'm physically shaking with fear - fear of the unknown. All my teenage and 20s have been spent with the person I thought was the one :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 22:46

he might have been your one, but you were clearly not his

sorry x

Original poster
Lollypops20181 · 14/09/2014 22:47

Do I give him my reasons? Or should I just send him this link? Cowards way out I know but I feel as if I'm in a very weak position emotionally to even begin this conversation

OP posts: