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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not know whether to allow mil after she has finally decided she does want to see us

78 replies

DanceJunkie · 14/09/2014 15:13

This is a long so please bare with me. Since me and dh got married mil does not like me. Dh has asked her about this numerous times and has always been given reasons such as "dancejunkie never cooks, cleans, does anything with the children, is a poor mother, etc". Non of this is true, dh tells her that it isn't true but she will not change her mind. We both have invited her and fil round to our house to see us and the dc but she is always too busy. We once turned up at there house uninvited (just to say hello as we were passing) and it was very clear we were not wanted. The children's birthdays often get forgotten or presents are just left on the drive. They see both sils children a few times a week and look after them regularly, have them all over for Christmas, host birthday parties, etc. It hurts that they don't want anything to do with my dc. Mil has also suggested that dc3 isn't even dh's. He obviously is and there is no reason to suspect this other than dc3 has curly hair and dh doesn't! I have had pnd, she said I was just doing it for attention as she believes that there is no such thing as depression.

It's that long since the doc saw her that they don't ask about her. It was recently her birthday and I asked the eldest dc to make a card for her. They got really upset as they do not know who grandma is.

I am always polite and friendly to her. I'd like nothing more than a big happy family as my own family is now very small. I am very critical of my behaviour and honestly can't see that I have done anything wrong and certainly nothing to warrant her deciding she doesn't want anything to do with dh, dc or me.

Anyway, a change has come about. Dh was recently arrested and is not allowed contact with me and only supervised contact with the children. Mil has now decided she wants to see the children and me. I do not know if I should let her. Part of me wants the dc to have grandparents but the other part of me is worried that she will visit once or twice then not want anything to do with us again (as has happened previously). My children are already going through a tough time and I don't want them forming a bond with someone who is likely to walk back out of their lives. I honestly want what is best for the children.

Well done if you've made it to the end of my post! Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
MrsGeorgeMichael · 14/09/2014 15:16

why does she suddenly want contact? did she make direct contact with you?

YouTheCat · 14/09/2014 15:19

I'd be very wary.

She has no right to contact and if you think it will harm your children then let her stew, certainly until things are more settled for the children and you.

Topaz25 · 14/09/2014 15:20

I would be skeptical of her sudden interest coinciding with your husband's arrest. If he is only allowed supervised contact with the children, isn't there a risk that she is trying to build up trust so she can take them out and then take them to see him unsupervised? OTOH she could be worried about losing them for good if you are separating from their father but I don't know why she didn't show an interest earlier if this was an issue. I agree with you that this is a difficult time for the children and not the time to introduce them to someone who might not be a stable figure in their lives. Put her off for a bit until the dust has settled, a loving grandmother would understand that the children can't deal with any more upheaval at the moment..

Bambambini · 14/09/2014 15:20

I don't know if I could trust her motives or what she might say to the children. I doubt she's changed her mind about she. I'd be tempted to stay well clear. I think she might be out to cause trouble - was it DV regarding your husbands arrest?

Original poster
DanceJunkie · 14/09/2014 15:26

She turned up at the house whilst I was out with the dc, I only know as dh mentioned it to my dm who we are allowed contact through.

Yes it was dv.

His other relatives who did play a part in the dc's lives have all cut us off since it happened, so I'm doubtful that she even knows the truth about what happened.

OP posts:
PerpendicularVincenzo · 14/09/2014 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bambambini · 14/09/2014 15:29

I wouldn't trust her. She probably thinks you are a cow and he is a poor victim.

AmysTiara · 14/09/2014 15:30

I definitely wouldnt trust her either

Simile · 14/09/2014 15:32

From what you've said you won't get a nice, loving grandma for your DCs. What you'll get is a new load of crap to deal with. Think about it, would a loving grandma voice her opinions of you so readily, would she leave presents on the drive or simply not bother at all, would she not invite you around for Christmas?

You have enough to deal with at the moment so think carefully about whether you want to deal with your mil on top of all that. I doubt she will give two hoots about your side of things with your DH.

ihatethecold · 14/09/2014 15:32

Firstly. Well done for standing up to your husband.
Secondly. I would be very wary of your MIL.
Whatever you decide keep it on your terms

Laymizzrarb · 14/09/2014 15:33

No, I wouldn't trust her motives. She probably wants to know all the little details so she can gossip and bitch. It would be very unsettling for your DC to have her back in their lives, only to disappear again.
Sorry this has happened to you. Wishing you strength through all of this; there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.

Simile · 14/09/2014 15:33

Is she the type who loves drama? If she is, stay well clear.

PicandMinx · 14/09/2014 15:36

No. Don't engage with her. Do not contact her at all. She will either want to gloat or take the DC to her house for your "D"H to have contact.

Fairenuff · 14/09/2014 15:40

No, don't let her in, she will only be doing it for some personal gain of some kind. It will do the children more harm than good. They already don't know her, let her fade completely from their memory.

picnicbasketcase · 14/09/2014 15:44

Agree with Pic above, it'll be so your H can see them above the contact that has been arranged.

notagainffffffffs · 14/09/2014 15:44

No. Nononononono.

Whereisegg · 14/09/2014 15:46

No no no!

Aeroflotgirl · 14/09/2014 15:48

I second that, don't let her, her motives sound a bit Hmm, why suddenly all thus interest. They don't know her, she's nit much of a grandma.

Original poster
DanceJunkie · 14/09/2014 15:49

Wow, I thought I'd get flamed for not allowing her any contact. My mind is all over the place at the moment so it's been really helpful to have some advice, thank you x

OP posts:
lupo5 · 14/09/2014 15:49

My straight answer would be NO. Where was she before? It's not positive sign...

redexpat · 14/09/2014 16:36

Ask yourself this: does she have your DCs interests at heart, or her DS'?

I think I know which she has, so my answer would be no, no, no.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 14/09/2014 16:39

No. She's up to something. And even if she weren't up to something, she's got a lot of years of trust to build back up before she can expect to have a relationship with you or the DCs. But she's definitely up to something.

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 14/09/2014 16:48

She wants to worm her way in to either be a spy for dh or to build a relationship to then have the dc's at hers for visits without you and let dh be there.

Or worst possibility she wants to build relationship then try to get gp rights.

Be very very wary!

cindydog · 14/09/2014 16:48

This is probably far fetched but is she trying to prove you are a shite mother for custody purposes. My advice is AVOID!

MintyCoolMojito · 14/09/2014 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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