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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To not know whether to allow mil after she has finally decided she does want to see us

78 replies

DanceJunkie · 14/09/2014 15:13

This is a long so please bare with me. Since me and dh got married mil does not like me. Dh has asked her about this numerous times and has always been given reasons such as "dancejunkie never cooks, cleans, does anything with the children, is a poor mother, etc". Non of this is true, dh tells her that it isn't true but she will not change her mind. We both have invited her and fil round to our house to see us and the dc but she is always too busy. We once turned up at there house uninvited (just to say hello as we were passing) and it was very clear we were not wanted. The children's birthdays often get forgotten or presents are just left on the drive. They see both sils children a few times a week and look after them regularly, have them all over for Christmas, host birthday parties, etc. It hurts that they don't want anything to do with my dc. Mil has also suggested that dc3 isn't even dh's. He obviously is and there is no reason to suspect this other than dc3 has curly hair and dh doesn't! I have had pnd, she said I was just doing it for attention as she believes that there is no such thing as depression.

It's that long since the doc saw her that they don't ask about her. It was recently her birthday and I asked the eldest dc to make a card for her. They got really upset as they do not know who grandma is.

I am always polite and friendly to her. I'd like nothing more than a big happy family as my own family is now very small. I am very critical of my behaviour and honestly can't see that I have done anything wrong and certainly nothing to warrant her deciding she doesn't want anything to do with dh, dc or me.

Anyway, a change has come about. Dh was recently arrested and is not allowed contact with me and only supervised contact with the children. Mil has now decided she wants to see the children and me. I do not know if I should let her. Part of me wants the dc to have grandparents but the other part of me is worried that she will visit once or twice then not want anything to do with us again (as has happened previously). My children are already going through a tough time and I don't want them forming a bond with someone who is likely to walk back out of their lives. I honestly want what is best for the children.

Well done if you've made it to the end of my post! Any advice would be welcome.

OP posts:
chinam · 14/09/2014 16:53

I agree with all the others. Avoid this woman like the plague. There is nothing innocent about her sudden interest in your children.

Vitalstatistix · 14/09/2014 16:56

you think after all this, that she wants to support you and be a friend to you?

oh no. This woman will be trying to get hold of you for her son's benefit.

Drop charges? statement in court? intimidation? making it your fault?

no. This woman is unlikely to have had a complete personality transplant. Whatever she wants to see you for, I sincerely doubt it is to provide you with love and care.

ILovePud · 14/09/2014 16:59

Sorry that you're going through all this. I would be concerned about her motives and inclined to say not at this time, you have enough to deal with and could do with people around you who are genuine and supportive. It also sounds like it's been an unsettling time for the kids so as she has had little contact with them up to this point I would not want to destabilise things further. Hope things start looking up soon.

AlpacaMyBags · 14/09/2014 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DanceJunkie · 14/09/2014 17:09

I wasn't expecting her to be a support to me, she can't have had a complete 180 on how she feels about me, if anything she'll hate me more. I guess I was hoping that she has finally decided act like a grandma for my dc/her grandchildren. I feel so sorry for the dc having had dh's auntie & uncles turn their backs on us when we need them most. It is possible that she's trying to build a relationship with dc so she can have contact. Her official line is she has now retired so now has time for them! She only worked part time before and we live 5 minutes away so hardly a good reason

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 14/09/2014 17:10

Is it at all possible that she has a problem with her son and not you and now he is out of the picture she feels she can come round. If all her negative comments have been fed through him,he might have twisted what she said. Unlikely but just a thought!?

Vitalstatistix · 14/09/2014 17:17

Do you really think so?

Or is it that that is what you would really really hope and wish for?

What is more likely? That someone who is horrible is still horrible or that someone who has always treated you like shit is suddenly a nicer person coincidentally at the same time as her son has been ejected from the home for violence against you?

Original poster
DanceJunkie · 14/09/2014 17:19

Vdbfamily that did cross my mind but then why would she do things like miss the dcs birthdays. Also when she suggested dc3 wasn't dh's it was while I was there and dh wasn't.

OP posts:
Isseyesque · 14/09/2014 17:20

I think vitalstatistix is right - she will be thinking she can influence you in favour of her son in some way. I very much doubt that it is about her grandchildren, sadly. Stay well clear. Good luck.

Osmiornica · 14/09/2014 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seasavage · 14/09/2014 19:32

I say no she can't be trusted UNLESS H was that controlling that you were fed lies by him about her reasons (very unlikely though).
If she genuinely wants to build a relationship with them I'd wait for a few YEARS of consistent birthday cards/ christmas cards and letters about her reasons.

Meerka · 14/09/2014 19:34

absolutely not.

Liara · 14/09/2014 19:38

I wouldn't allow here within a mile of my dc if I were you.

They have enough to deal with right now.

WandaFuca · 14/09/2014 20:00

I also agree with vitalstatistix. She'll only be concerned about her son, or her own embarrassment at having a son who is potentially publicly known as an abuser. She'll be doing whatever she can to get the charges dropped.

Do you have a police liaison officer you can talk to? It will depend on his bail conditions as to whether they can warn her off contacting you, or attempting to contact the children.

Original poster
DanceJunkie · 14/09/2014 20:12

There isn't anything in his bail conditions that would stop her contacting either the dcs or me, just that he is not allowed to ask anyone to speak about the case on his behalf.

OP posts:
WandaFuca · 14/09/2014 20:41

I think it would be worth speaking to your liaison officer, though. At least to let them know that she's attempting to contact you after ignoring you and the children for so long. Her current behaviour is suspicious, and your liaison officer could advise you on strategies to keep her at bay.

And I think you should keep her at bay. Your children will have gone through enough already, and they don't need someone who is a stranger to them suddenly appearing in their lives when you don't know for certain what her motive is.

TsukuruTazaki · 14/09/2014 20:46

Wouldn't trust her an inch. Would NOT allow contact.

WandaFuca · 14/09/2014 20:53

Scrub that last bit in my post - "when you don't know for certain what her motive is."

So many of us try to be reasonable, but that doesn't work when we're dealing with people who are basically toxic.

Tsukuru said it succinctly: Wouldn't trust her an inch.

maddening · 14/09/2014 21:03

She is shitting herself - there is no good intention behind it - she wants to be able to say she is active in her gc lives and you are the gatekeeper - she will try anything to get past you.

WitchWay · 14/09/2014 21:04

She sounds awful, as folk upthread have suggested. This will be all about her (& your DH). Avoid as much as possible.

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 14/09/2014 21:05

Be very very wary, she already has form for disliking you. It wouldn't take much for her start again, reporting to SS or similar.

I'd stand well back at present and wait a while, if she really does want to be involved she will wait.

FrancesNiadova · 14/09/2014 21:05

Any Grandparent that can drop their grandchildren on a whim, which in the grand scheme of things is what she did, does not deserve access to them, IMHO.
If you allow access again now, who's to say that she won't withdraw her love again when it suits her, on any pretext.
How will you explain that to your children?
How would that scenario make your children feel?
Is your MIL offering real, unconditional love to her grandchildren, or are they another outlet for her to exercise her control & power?

Sorry to sound so blunt & harsh, but I have been in a similar situation with my in-laws. Sending ThanksFlowers

maddening · 14/09/2014 21:06

Ps my mum's mum was reportedly toxic - my mum cut her out when I was 2 - I have never missed having her as a gm. My gf (her exh) is someone I miss as he passed away when I was 10 - he was wonderful and v missed.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2014 09:59

I agree I think that she has an ultra motive, why the sudden turn around.

Trooperslane · 15/09/2014 10:03

It's a no from me too op.

You and the dcs have major shit going on and need support.

She's never done anything to suggest she will be that person.

Ignore, block.

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