To not know whether to allow mil after she has finally decided she does want to see us

[DanceJunkie]

This is a long so please bare with me. Since me and dh got married mil does not like me. Dh has asked her about this numerous times and has always been given reasons such as "dancejunkie never cooks, cleans, does anything with the children, is a poor mother, etc". Non of this is true, dh tells her that it isn't true but she will not change her mind. We both have invited her and fil round to our house to see us and the dc but she is always too busy. We once turned up at there house uninvited (just to say hello as we were passing) and it was very clear we were not wanted. The children's birthdays often get forgotten or presents are just left on the drive. They see both sils children a few times a week and look after them regularly, have them all over for Christmas, host birthday parties, etc. It hurts that they don't want anything to do with my dc. Mil has also suggested that dc3 isn't even dh's. He obviously is and there is no reason to suspect this other than dc3 has curly hair and dh doesn't! I have had pnd, she said I was just doing it for attention as she believes that there is no such thing as depression.

It's that long since the doc saw her that they don't ask about her. It was recently her birthday and I asked the eldest dc to make a card for her. They got really upset as they do not know who grandma is.

I am always polite and friendly to her. I'd like nothing more than a big happy family as my own family is now very small. I am very critical of my behaviour and honestly can't see that I have done anything wrong and certainly nothing to warrant her deciding she doesn't want anything to do with dh, dc or me.

Anyway, a change has come about. Dh was recently arrested and is not allowed contact with me and only supervised contact with the children. Mil has now decided she wants to see the children and me. I do not know if I should let her. Part of me wants the dc to have grandparents but the other part of me is worried that she will visit once or twice then not want anything to do with us again (as has happened previously). My children are already going through a tough time and I don't want them forming a bond with someone who is likely to walk back out of their lives. I honestly want what is best for the children.

Well done if you've made it to the end of my post! Any advice would be welcome.

OP, I'm sorry for all you have been through. Your DCs don't need a big family. They have what they need - a mum who cares about them.

YANBU. Not at all.

I'd be worried about what she could be saying to DCs about any upcoming DV court case.

Avoid - she has no relationship with GCs - legal or otherwise.

She has no legal right to contact sadly I can see no benefit to you or your children for contact.

She only has her sons interest at heart.

I'd be laying money on her planning to win your trust and then let them see their father behind your back.

No.

No GPs are better than shit ones.

Her personality is not going to change just because you think it's only you she dislikes. It's not. She will manipulate your DCs to her own agenda. Don't assume that she will automatically be nice to your DCs, she won't be. Make sure you protect them.

Yes it's crap that they don't have a nice GM but far better to have none at all than one who hates their mother and has a suspect agenda.

I'd be laying money on her planning to win your trust and then let them see their father behind your back.

utterly this.

trust your instincts, protect your DC from him and from all of his family.

remember they made him

I hope you're doing ok, Dance. I feel for you - you have a lot to deal with at the moment and I hope you're getting some good support locally.

Although it can be helpful to have so many of us saying not to trust your mother-in-law, it can sometimes feel a bit overwhelming. It can be hard when you're looking for hope that she will step up to the mark and be a good grandmother, and then we're all saying that's highly unlikely.

This is your thread, so it's absolutely your choice whether to post again. There are many people here who, sadly, have experience of what you're dealing with. There's a lot of support for people dealing with dysfunctional families is in the Relationships section of MN. You can ask MNHQ to transfer your thread to there, if you wish.

I wouldn't let her anywhere near you or your dcs. When xp and I split, his mother started showing interest in me and the kids out of the blue. I had to move to get away from him, he took me to court to get a prohibited steps order because he is mental.. His mum had given a statement about me in the court papers, saying I was out partying etc (I went out once). I maintain contact with her to this day because she started being extra nice to the children so it became difficult for me to cut her out because of the kids. I hate that woman!! Don't let it happen to you, not saying it will, but I wouldn't trust her at all!! Good luck to you :-)

Not in a million years. This is a toxic person, regardless of her DNA link to your children, and they don't need toxic people in their lives.

Dh was recently arrested and is not allowed contact with me and only supervised contact with the children. Mil has now decided she wants to see the children and me

This makes me very uncomfortable. She suddenly wants access, now that her son can't have it? It sounds like she's giving him a route to get to you and the children. Say no.

abusive men are often products of abusive parents/dysfunctional upbringing

in short his mother made hhim, he is a product of her. given the way she's been with you/your family so far, there's more than enough evidence to support that.

she is so self focussed, so idiotic, so arrogant and contemptuous of everyone else that she genuinely doesn't think anyone's clever enough to notice the change in tactics.

she sees this police action as a challenge, not something that applies to her because she's not subject to the rules of others.

she sounds narcissistic tbh.

in any event, your H is a dangerous man (as proved by the stipulation of no contact) your mil is perhaps more so in that she won't think the law applies to her.

tell her in no uncertain terms that she won't be allowed any access to you or your children. and that if she doesn't do as she's told (that'll wind her up :) ) that you'll get an order against her too.

they are just pathetic little bullies, stand strong and don't put up with it. they'lyy buckle, cowards always do.

She wants contact so that your DH can see them behind your back. She hasn't suddenly decided that she wants to be a proper grandmother after all this time.

Penguinie the extra nice towards your children is grooming them. don't allow her unsupervised access, this won't end well. leopards are spotty. they can't change.

Now, I had a perfectly nice mother, and nan, and MIL. But they weren't lovely because they were mothers and/or nans. They were lovely because they were already lovely people. A horrible person doesn't just suddenly become nice just because they, or their offspring, give birth. There is no magic wand that turns a vicious old cow into Grandmother of the Year. So much nonsense is talked about dear old grannies and how important they are to a child's life; well, they can be if they are the right sort of granny. But if they aren't, they can't be a positive influence. All the wishing in the world won't make it so.

'You want a big family' - Why? Genuine question. I can never understand why people need their dc to have extended family. My birth family was mum dad and 2 siblings (sister and father now NC - for good reason. I dont' feel sorry at all that my dc have no grandad or aunt) and now my own dc family is me, exdh and 3 dc. They have a gran they see once a month, and my mum (3 times a year). They have friends, I have friends, why is it better to have lots of people tied by blood only? My exH was an only child brought up by a guardian while his mum worked;- My mum is one of 10 dc (!) and dad one of 6, we don't see any of them (different country)

Regarding MIL, i agree with PPs that she is after something. It won't be to the benefit of your dc.

Cut her and Dps family out, and concentrate on the family you do have.

'Friends are the family we choose for ourselves.'

OP

Can I ask why the aunt/uncles have stopped talking to you because if the DV?

You aren't expecting her to do a 180 and start to like you, but you are hoping that she might be a good grandma for your children.

No, no, no. She has clearly shown that she doesn't like you and that she doesn't respect you. Even if she had no ulterior motives, and really was scared of losing her grandchildren, they do not need someone in their lives who is so disrespectful of you. You will be raising your children: someone who is so critical will undermine you and create conflict and hurt.

Have as little to do with her as you can - as a pp said, ask your liaison officer for suggestions for keeping her at bay.

MIL would not have liked any woman that your DH married. You are the scapegoat for all their inherent ills, that is why you and your children get ignored. You do not need to keep going back for yet more of the same because the outcome will not change.

Being nice never gets you anywhere with toxic relatives like his mother and it was an error of judgment to ask eldest to make a card for her (why did you ask them to do that in the first place bearing in mind they do not know who grandma is?!). Grandma is patently not interested and doing that just sends your children mixed messages. It is your job amongst many to protect your children from malign influences like his mother.

You are nice but have acted really naïvely with regards to them, not all birth families by any means are emotionally healthy and functioning and your H is a product of his upbringing. These people like his mother and your current H will never be nice or at all reasonable as long as they are alive. She was a rubbish parent and is now a rubbish grandparent to your children.

Do not let MIL anywhere near your children. She is likely only wanting to see them for her own purposes; i.e. to facilitate direct contact between her son and your children.

Your family is very small but quality of family members is far more important than quantity particularly if other family members are toxic/dysfunctional.

He is not allowed to ask anyone to speak about the case on his behalf

And yet that's precisely what she'll try to do, hoping that as his mother she can keep it under the radar

Personally I wouldn't even consider it ...

Captainmummy - I wanted a big family as growing up mine was very small (parents & 1 brother). It was incredibly lonely, my own mother had a lot of problems and didn't do much with us so I was so bored growing up. I dreamed of having cousins & grandparents to play with. I know I'm a completely different mother to my own mother and do so much with my dc but I still have a silly want for a big family. I look at the family next door where the grandparents come round almost daily and there's so much love and laughing with the child. I want that too! I know it's not going to happen with mil.

Quitelikely - the aunt & uncles are apparently too upset to come and see us. They don't believe I should have called the police. I wrote to the aunt as she saw the dc fortnightly to say she is welcome to see them and I don't expect her to take sides or get involved but have had no response.

It is very understandable and natural that you want that. However, it isn't what you have. The grandparents next door are loving and involved because that is who they are. Your MiL is not like them and she is not going to become like them no matter how much you want it. Your MiL has had many chances to get involved with your kids and she has chosen not to. There is no reason why she would suddenly have had a change of heart and changed personality completely now.

Thank you, I was very wary about the dc having contact with her but also didn't want to be unreasonable which is why I've asked for opinions. Everything is so complicated at the moment! It confirms I'm right not wanting her to have contact with the dc, hopefully she won't turn up out of the blue again but if she does I'll be prepared with what to say x

Hissy, when she comes to see them, I'm always there. I monitor everything she says and does because I don't trust her as far as I can throw her. I wish I had cut her out to begin with really but it was such a dreadful time, I made the mistake of thinking she might be trying to be supportive! I'm an old fool really. Op, you don't need her, you are much better off without her and so are your children! Good luck.

You cannot fully monitor her though even though you never leave her alone with your children. It only takes a snide comment, a look or a pinch and the damage is done right in front of your very eyes.