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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

She thinks my husband is "brilliant".

139 replies

Foxyroan · 13/09/2014 18:48

We are in our early 50's and have had a lovely life. Minor ups and downs - but, on the whole, we are among the lucky ones.

We are friendly with another couple, who are just a bit younger than us. They would be regarded as a perfect couple. I know she is highly regarded in her profession, he is dull but trustworthy. They have raised a perfect family (too perfect???). Despite her full time job, their house etc. is perfection (always). She looks better today than she did when I first met her 25 years ago - even up close, it is hard to distinguish her from her daughters.

I knew her first through some common friends and then, way back, we met twice on holiday - completely by coincidence. We got on great. And then, shortly afterwards, they moved house closer to us - so over the years we have seen a lot of them. But friendly and all as we are, we do not socialise together - but find ourselves at the same gigs a lot over the years.

My H is very sociable and is very easy in womens' company. I know that my circle of (girl) friends like him a lot.

Somewhere along the way, he and she seemed to spark off each other. As the years passed, they seem to gravitate towards each other in social situations - and they always seem to spend a lot of time laughing. Now she is very lively, attracts a lot of male attention and is very adroit in handling herself.

Over the past while, I have come to the view that she seeks him out in these situations. H runs into both of them more than I do - at rugby games, lunches etc. etc...

I am pretty sociable - but prefer small groups. A slight hearing problem does not help.

When he comes home, he always gives me a blow by blow report of the badinage between her and him. Her husband is purely a bystander - trying to keep up. He is dull - but harmless.

Sometimes, at gatherings, I see H and her in a crowd but kind of separate from it - H doing his usual gassing and she bent over laughing, holding on to his shoulder for support. There is nothing surrepticious about the way this is done - and most usually, they will repeat the banter when I rejoin them.

She has told me on numerous occasions that H is "brilliant" - always leaves me a bit tongue-tied.

She cycles a lot and just recently, H took our dog for a marathon walk along a towpath that is not far from us. Along the way, he met her as she cycled home. She got off and walked along with him - for five miles!!!!. When they got to the end of the towpath, they had an ice-cream and sat on a bench. She fed the last of her Magnum to our dog and H used his phone to take a short video of the dog licking the last of the Magnum. When he got home, he could not wait to show me the dog licking the ice-cream. He thought it was very funny. She has just recently become a (very young) grand-mother and he regaled me with all his witticisms about her new found status as a granny.

As I write this, I cannot decide whether I am complete idiot or whether I am right to be on my guard.

Thankfully, we only encounter them on an occasional basis. Sometimes a year could go by without running into them - but, as happened recently, H could see them a lot in a short time.

My sister thinks I am an idiot - but then she thinks he is brilliant. (I can't watch them all - joke!!!).

OP posts:
Myhusbandishardwork · 13/09/2014 18:52

I would watch your back if i was you.

Shes after your husband

furcoatbigknickers · 13/09/2014 18:56

What does your gut say?

1moreRep · 13/09/2014 18:56

I think its just friends and I wouldn't worry. I have a lot of male friends and if the banter is repeated when you arrive they obviously want to include you too! I would describe some of my male friends as brilliant but see them in the brother - wouldn't ever go near them, ever, category and if I was cycling as bumped into them I would possibly do the same- perhaps she was tired, happy for the rest? It sounds like your H is the life and soul of the party and I would not chastise him for the friendship as he is being open with you.
Now im thinking if I should stop saying my mates are brilliant! Wink

Sickoffrozen · 13/09/2014 18:57

Sounds relatively innocent to me. If he was up to something surely he wouldn't be rushing home to tell you the stories. He probably fancies her a bit which if she looks as good as you say then it's no real surprise. I wouldn't overly stress about this!

punygod · 13/09/2014 18:58

She sounds a right pain in the arse.

Your DH sounds totally innocent though.

Nothing wrong with letting him know you feel uncomfortable about her.

nevergoogle · 13/09/2014 18:58

Seems like they get on very well. No harm in that.

Do you trust that he has the sense to know when things may be crossing the line into emotional affair or other?
Do you trust that he loves and respects you enough to know that he needs to nip it in the bud if it starts to go that way?

If it were my husband he'd probably be genuinely oblivious and need a quick reminder of those points. Then I'd leave him to it. His behaviour is not my responsibility. He knows the consequences though.

Myhusbandishardwork · 13/09/2014 19:02

Do you trust that he has the sense to know when things may be crossing the line into emotional affair or other?
Do you trust that he loves and respects you enough to know that he needs to nip it in the bud if it starts to go that way?

This!

FlossyMoo · 13/09/2014 19:02

If you trust your husband then worry not.

At the end of the day if your DH wanted to have n affair he would and you policing him or stopping friendships wouldn't change that.

Finola1step · 13/09/2014 19:04

No harm in your dh getting on well with another person who happens to be a woman. I get on really well with the fellas at work. But here's the thing... Would I get off my bike to join one of the fellas at work on a 5 mile walk? Not very likely.

I think your dh is probably oblivious. But you are right to be ever so slightly wary. Keep an eye but no need to do anything else.

holdyourown · 13/09/2014 19:04

Sounds as if you could do with thinking about improving your own self esteem and feeling better about yourself, as it sounds like you compare yourself unfavourably to her Sad
I'm sure you're lovely, and I like your writing style
Thanks

Branleuse · 13/09/2014 19:09

i think they get on well.

Annarose2014 · 13/09/2014 19:23

It sounds like your husband is good fun, and her husband is Worthy-But-Dull.

Therefore I think she probably gets no joking or banter from the main guy in her life who she lives with 24/7, and relishes the fun she has when she's around your fella.

Since its only occasional, she drinks it up like a glass of fizzy champagne, and encourages it hugely.

So I think from that viewpoint its not that hard to understand. The difference is your DH is quite accustomed to banter with women, and sees it as fairly normal. This is why he regales you with it all.

I would be worried she might switch from enjoying his company to craving his company - the worry is that she's lonelier in her marriage than you realise.

I would have a word - jokey if need be - with your husband and warn him to watch out for any signs of her getting a bit thirsty for his attention. Warn him that if he ever starts to notice it, then the chances are other people have noticed it too, and nobody wants to be gossiped about.

Viviennemary · 13/09/2014 19:29

Hmm this is difficult. It's probably something and nothing and I'd always err on being suspicious. But I don't think there is much in this. But no harm in keeping an eye on things. And if it develops into them deciding to meet up alone to do some hobby then I'd see alarm bells.

Meerka · 13/09/2014 19:33

Do you trust that he has the sense to know when things may be crossing the line into emotional affair or other?
Do you trust that he loves and respects you enough to know that he needs to nip it in the bud if it starts to go that way?

Thirded.

pixiegumboot · 13/09/2014 19:36

I would consider a blow by blow account after every meeting as the husband trying to convince himself that he feels nothing for this wom an, when in fact he does.

Quitelikely · 13/09/2014 19:44

Rightly or wrongly I think you're jealous.

Nevertheless keep an eye on the situation, or just ask outright if your dh fancies her?

Btw I would feel a tad jealous too!

AcrossthePond55 · 13/09/2014 19:56

I think that for now I'd assume it was just friendship, but I'd keep a close eye on her just the same.

I agree with Viv that if they start doing things just the two of them or your DH starts going places without you where she might be (or where he's never been interested in going before)….you may want to rethink.

If there is something in your marriage that makes you think your DH would be susceptible to an affair (emotional or physical) perhaps it should be dealt with?

alphabook · 13/09/2014 20:04

Right now, I see nothing wrong with either of their behaviour. They get on well, there's nothing wrong with that. They haven't crossed a line, and you have no reason at this point to think they will (although I'm sure there are plenty of slightly bitter MNers who will say otherwise). I hardly think him telling you what happens when they see each other is a sign he has feelings for her. I would only worry if he starts acting secretively or suspiciously in other ways.

There does also seem to be an element of jealousy with this woman - would it bother you as much if he got on so well with a woman you didn't consider to be as attractive?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/09/2014 20:06

OP... Do YOU love your husband still? It's all very well posters here saying that he should have respect for you (and so he should) but that should be mutual. Do you have shared interests? Do you spend time together doing 'stuff' that you both enjoy?

Maybe this is a wake-up call for you. Not that there is anything wrong in this friendship, it's understandable - and is in the open and it's very, very infrequent. I don't think they're having an affair, not at all. But they could as could anybody in a relationship. |I think they do have a 'spark' together and, if it's missing from his/her relationship with their primary partners it could develop.

I'm not sure from your post if you sound upset or just irked that you think she's 'moving in' on your property. How do you feel about your husband? Nevermind the woman, your husband is the one you have a relationship with.

Superworm · 13/09/2014 21:00

Does he always take the dog for marathon walks?

Walking together for five miles then having ice-cream and video moments sounds like a date to me.

UpUpAndAway123 · 13/09/2014 21:12

Hello,

FWIW, I think at the moment things are platonic, however they obviously like each other and get on which can lead to other things in the future. I think he is telling you about their encounters and showing you videos to prove that nothing is going on as he knows that things could be misconstrued by people looking in......then again I am suspicious.....however I have encountered a similar situation where the 'friends' in question started as friends and light banter.....lead to an affair x

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 21:24

What viv and pixie said.

She is flirting with him, he is flirting with her but in denial.

I would be seething with jealousy and make him realise how it comes across not just to you but to her husband. There doesn't seem to be any loyalty.

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 21:28

I have been out with my friend's husband as a stand in a couple of times. It was uncomfortable and didn't feel right and I could't enjoy it. Not sure he did either, it was just weird.

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 21:29

And what Annarose said about having a word.

Foxyroan · 13/09/2014 22:13

OMG - thanks to everybody for responding.

Just to respond to some of the points raised.

I'm always a bit wary of people who describe themselves as "happily married" - that is why I described us as being "among the lucky ones". We laugh a lot - I use it as one of my benchmarks.
And I also think he is "brilliant".

Having thought about it, I don't think I'm anyway jealous of her. She is as I described - and is just one of those attractive people that people gravitate towards. The best short-hand I can use is that she is a credit to her parents.

While she is vivacious and great fun when she is out - I do know that she runs a very regimented house at home. Hence my slightly catty remark about her children being, maybe, too perfect. Also her hubby is totally under the thumb. DH sometimes says that the hubby is "pussy-whipped" - it is a phrase I don't much like, but maybe, in the circumstances maybe I should find it reassuring.

I think that "Annarose" may have put her finger on it. With all her regimentation and tight scheduling, she may have squeezed most of the fun out of her own existence. She puts a huge amount of energy into always doing the right thing. Actually, DH is always on to her about being so fastidious and is always threatening that he is going to go over to her house to carry out "a white glove inspection".

Others regard my DH as good fun but so are so many other of our friends. She, on the other hand, seems to think that the party only starts when he arrives. I have seen her gazing at him as she waits for his punch line and, it is not my imagination, she has this habit of touching him on the shoulder when the punch line comes. "Annarose" again used the analogy of a glass of fizzy champagne - which may be very perceptive.

I suppose what threw me recently was the way she got off her bike and walked 5+ miles with him. This is a person who has every 5 minute segment already mapped out for the week. The ice-cream nearly threw me just as much, because I know DH backwards and he would never even think of stopping for an ice-cream. It just would not occur to him. So I'm pretty sure that was her initiative. Her timetable was well and truly thrown out of kilter that day.

This is not a femme fatale. If by any chance, they were to have an affair, people would be very surprised at DH but would probably say it just shows that you can't trust any man - but there would be total disbelief about her.

Writing this down has helped me to slow my thinking - and I find that I 100% believe that my fella is just responding to a flattering audience. I am just not sure about her - she is the one who does the gazing!!!!. I can only stay on alert - and I do not want to cramp DH's style by saying anything, unless something changes.

Thanks again to everybody.

OP posts:
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