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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

She thinks my husband is "brilliant".

139 replies

Foxyroan · 13/09/2014 18:48

We are in our early 50's and have had a lovely life. Minor ups and downs - but, on the whole, we are among the lucky ones.

We are friendly with another couple, who are just a bit younger than us. They would be regarded as a perfect couple. I know she is highly regarded in her profession, he is dull but trustworthy. They have raised a perfect family (too perfect???). Despite her full time job, their house etc. is perfection (always). She looks better today than she did when I first met her 25 years ago - even up close, it is hard to distinguish her from her daughters.

I knew her first through some common friends and then, way back, we met twice on holiday - completely by coincidence. We got on great. And then, shortly afterwards, they moved house closer to us - so over the years we have seen a lot of them. But friendly and all as we are, we do not socialise together - but find ourselves at the same gigs a lot over the years.

My H is very sociable and is very easy in womens' company. I know that my circle of (girl) friends like him a lot.

Somewhere along the way, he and she seemed to spark off each other. As the years passed, they seem to gravitate towards each other in social situations - and they always seem to spend a lot of time laughing. Now she is very lively, attracts a lot of male attention and is very adroit in handling herself.

Over the past while, I have come to the view that she seeks him out in these situations. H runs into both of them more than I do - at rugby games, lunches etc. etc...

I am pretty sociable - but prefer small groups. A slight hearing problem does not help.

When he comes home, he always gives me a blow by blow report of the badinage between her and him. Her husband is purely a bystander - trying to keep up. He is dull - but harmless.

Sometimes, at gatherings, I see H and her in a crowd but kind of separate from it - H doing his usual gassing and she bent over laughing, holding on to his shoulder for support. There is nothing surrepticious about the way this is done - and most usually, they will repeat the banter when I rejoin them.

She has told me on numerous occasions that H is "brilliant" - always leaves me a bit tongue-tied.

She cycles a lot and just recently, H took our dog for a marathon walk along a towpath that is not far from us. Along the way, he met her as she cycled home. She got off and walked along with him - for five miles!!!!. When they got to the end of the towpath, they had an ice-cream and sat on a bench. She fed the last of her Magnum to our dog and H used his phone to take a short video of the dog licking the last of the Magnum. When he got home, he could not wait to show me the dog licking the ice-cream. He thought it was very funny. She has just recently become a (very young) grand-mother and he regaled me with all his witticisms about her new found status as a granny.

As I write this, I cannot decide whether I am complete idiot or whether I am right to be on my guard.

Thankfully, we only encounter them on an occasional basis. Sometimes a year could go by without running into them - but, as happened recently, H could see them a lot in a short time.

My sister thinks I am an idiot - but then she thinks he is brilliant. (I can't watch them all - joke!!!).

OP posts:
maras2 · 14/09/2014 13:27

Sorry FG.That was meant to be lighthearted but Dh's IPad won't let me use the smilies.

Greengrow · 14/09/2014 13:49

I think he's a good man who is telling you everything. I would just have a jokey word with your husband saying it looks like she is seeking him out and he should be careful in case people talk.

FolkGirl · 14/09/2014 14:14

maras I read it as lighthearted Wink

But still... really?

The OP said she and her husband are in their early 50s and the other couple are a bit younger. I'm 39. I'd consider that "a bit younger". Tbh, I'd feel really comfortable in a friendship with a man in that age group (and do, to be honest, the friend I mentioned is the same age as me, but I have friends in their 50s, 60s and 70s) and it wouldn't occur to me that any of them would think I was interested.

something2say · 14/09/2014 14:53

I would like to comment as I am often the woman in this scenario. Not boasting but I don't go out much and enjoy it when I do. I dress well and like getting ready for a good night. There are always men staring etc, but I am not very confident socially. Someone said on here that she thinks of herself as a nice person but nothing special in the witty banter stakes, that's what I'd say of myself. So when I am out and having a great night, dancing etc and people are looking, I like to have one or two people to just stand with. I don't move around much. It sort of helps to have safe people in the room, for my confidence levels. I hate it when people assume I am interested sexually in those safe people that I know I get on well with.

Must admit the five mile walk sounded a bit long. I'd not do that probably. But I would hate for there to be more competition between women when the truth is often so much more complicated and could be completely innocent.

arsenaltilidie · 14/09/2014 20:24

FWIW it does sound fishy, touching shoulders/body language, 5 mile walks and the occasional bumping into each other.

Tbh it sounds like the beginning of an affair.

Whats ironic is the 'other woman' might describe you the same way as you describe her husband.

morerogermore · 14/09/2014 20:30

I would say in a jokey (or at least good natured way) to my husband 'she so fancies you!!' -- then keep good-naturedly ribbing him about it on and off. He'll then know to keep his guard up and also he will look for himself to see if that is the truth.

I think it sounds a bit much tbh. Just cos you're in your 50s people are saying not to worry, but if you were in your 20s she'd deffo be after him.

Foxyroan · 14/09/2014 20:32

I am so glad I put this issue down on paper.

Emboldened by the responses here, I approached the issue with DH last night. It was easy to open up the topic by asking him to forward me the video clip of the dog licking the ice-cream. Video clips of the dog are common occurrences in our house - and I just opened the conversation from there.

Walking for DH is a competitive against the clock activity. Each walk is an attempt to shave seconds off his "best time" for that route. Even the dog has been trained to do it's business before they leave!!!!

In the chat last night, he recalled how he expected her to cycle on after a few words - instead she started to walk along with him. In his world, his walk was "ruined" once she did not move off immediately - so he just fell in line. He was trying to recall different parts of the conversation and then he said that she had made a few dismissive remarks about her hubby, in a throwaway fashion. Then DH said ruminatively "You know, I'd say she could be a right bitch" - by which I took him to mean, if she didn't have a lapdog for a husband.

When I suggested that it was ironic that it was DH who had the stop-watch while she is always the one with the metaphorical stop-watch, DH went into one of his periodic miming pieces. He always uses the term "foostering" to describe her hubby - which is very accurate, in that he is always mooching around looking for his glasses, his jacket, even his pint. So DH starts mimicking the two of them in bed, he with his "foostering" and she with her stop-watch.

Of course, DH thought that all my laughing was a tribute to his mimicry, which was really funny and really cruel. I was just so relieved. (We had a lovely night).

Today, we went (i.e. I dragged him) to a charity Food Fair thing.

Who do we bump into but our friends. Big hugs - I hadn't seen her since she became a granny and since they had a recent family wedding). Lots of photograph etc., etc.. Then I innocently and jocosely complained that our dog is now looking for ice-cream after every walk - and took out my phone to laugh (ha ha) over the video clip. Her hubby, always only half listening wanted to know about the clip, and she said "Oh, did I not tell you" and then went on say how they had met on the towpath and had got an ice-pop for the dog - which, of course, was not the full truth. Also no mention of the 5mile walk. She hadn't told him. Bingo.

DH was up and down from the table just then and I am not sure if he got the full import of her edited version of the walk. I haven't seen him since because he had to go racing off to sort a problem for our DD who is just settling into her new house. They drove me home. I played a blinder - not a twitch of facial muscle betrayed my thoughts.

It is obvious to me now that at some level, she does fancy my fella. But, I also feel that in some way, the dynamic between them has changed since the walk. Most probably that was their first time on their own and their first real conversation. Whatever way she made those dismissive remarks about her hubby (and you always have to hear the tone), it has registered negatively with DH. It is not my imagination, but I thought that DH paid much more conversational attention to her hubby today.

It will be interesting to see the interaction between them on the next social occasion (with alcohol)

Only for the reponses here, I would not have broached the subject last night - and it could have started to fester in my over-active mind.

So thanks again. As my son would say, I think that was a result!!

OP posts:
morerogermore · 14/09/2014 20:35

Your DH sounds fab! He completely reassured you. Such excellent news! You sound like you have a great marriage.

FelicityGubbins · 14/09/2014 20:41

Are you going to mention that she had omitted to mention the walk to her husband? I would, along with a mention about how she isn't what she seems on paper obviously...

DaughterDilemma · 14/09/2014 20:57

Great timing Foxy!

Keep a close eye on hubby, I don't think that will be the last woman with her eye on him, he does sound great, where is it he does his walk again?

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 20:58

It must just be me, but you two sound bloody horrible. With friends like you...

BlahBlahYeahYeah · 14/09/2014 21:04

So you and your dh bonded over taking the piss out of your mutual friends. Nice.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 21:06

Not just me then. I thought I must be pre menstrual or summat...

DaughterDilemma · 14/09/2014 21:07

I quite like dogs, and Magnums...

Sorry OP Grin

pippinleaf · 14/09/2014 21:08

I personally think it sounds fine. I have a gorgeous husband and I will be faithful to him as long as I live and I have plenty of male friends who i enjoy spending time with. There is no flirting but there is plenty of laughing and we frequently say 'love you' at the end of conversations. I knew these people since I was a kid and I'd be really sad if I thought their wives were worried about our friendship. In fact, I like their wives very much and consider them friends too. If me and my friends ever share a joke I would share that with their wives when I next saw them just because they'd find it funny too. Women aren't all trying to sleep with someone else's husband.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2014 21:13

OP... Just saw your update and I think you're going to be laughing on the other side of your face. If not her then somebody else. He knows what he's doing and has had time to think up something that will placate you. I don't think this woman has designs on him, it sounds as if she can take her pick.. your husband though, biding his time in my opinion.

I read too much 'forced bonding' in your post. You can hold the two of you together for as long as he wants you to. Batten down the hatches but do get your own self-preservation in place... just in case.

DaughterDilemma · 14/09/2014 21:21

Eh Lyin? I thought she had just swept away all signs of doubt and exposed her competition ruthlessly but respectfully.

Forced bonding?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2014 21:30

If they were good friends as purported by the OP, he wouldn't need to be this spiteful - and he wouldn't be. It reads very much to me as if he fancies her, she doesn't - that's why there is no affair but it's nothing to do with him.

OP's update is very self-congratulatory and dismissive of a woman who has done nothing wrong. If my husband were to talk like this about a friend, I would think very much less of him but OP is talking as if she is the 'victor' who has won a prize and her words are revealing.

He's no friend... so what is he then? You don't tolerate touching and closeness with somebody who neither falls into friends nor lovers category... you just don't. I think OP knows that too hence her post, and she's presenting a preferred and overly earnest version. It comes across to me as an imbalanced relationship now whereas it didn't before. Keeping one's powder dry is a very good tactic.

I'm very probably wrong; it's just how it reads to me.

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 14/09/2014 21:30

just to sound a note of caution - if you haven't already done so, I suggest you DON'T tell him you think she fancies him. I think most people, if they are told or believe that someone fancies them, will reassess that person sexually and perhaps look at them in a different light. Don't put the thought into his head.
anyway congrats on your relief and your lovely dh

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2014 21:32

I was also nodding at arsenaltillidie's post... mimicking a friend? Not nice. He might just as easily be laughing at OP with his friend.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2014 21:32

THis bloke doesn't sound remotely "lovely". He sounds like a complete tool.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2014 21:35

Oh everything OP posted in her update will have told her husband that she thinks friend fancies him. The dynamic has indeed changed now.

usualsuspect333 · 14/09/2014 21:37

He doesn't sound brilliant to me either.

OldF0ssil · 14/09/2014 21:40

I agree that calling her a bitch and calling her h pussy whipped doesn't paint the op's husband in a 'brilliant' light but the op did say that they were friendLY with the couple, not friends.

Also, if somebody did bitch about their husband to me, I would notice it. I would feel I could discuss that observation with a partner.

DaughterDilemma · 14/09/2014 21:44

Ok have reread your update. Hubby scuttled off as soon as the walk was revealed to her and hubby. Hubby talked more to other hubby. Both are signs of guilt, perhaps not of infidelity but possibly fear of being perceived to have had a fling. He is doing the right thing to talk more to other hubby, but after the way he mocked him privately it just seems a bit unpleasant.