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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

She thinks my husband is "brilliant".

139 replies

Foxyroan · 13/09/2014 18:48

We are in our early 50's and have had a lovely life. Minor ups and downs - but, on the whole, we are among the lucky ones.

We are friendly with another couple, who are just a bit younger than us. They would be regarded as a perfect couple. I know she is highly regarded in her profession, he is dull but trustworthy. They have raised a perfect family (too perfect???). Despite her full time job, their house etc. is perfection (always). She looks better today than she did when I first met her 25 years ago - even up close, it is hard to distinguish her from her daughters.

I knew her first through some common friends and then, way back, we met twice on holiday - completely by coincidence. We got on great. And then, shortly afterwards, they moved house closer to us - so over the years we have seen a lot of them. But friendly and all as we are, we do not socialise together - but find ourselves at the same gigs a lot over the years.

My H is very sociable and is very easy in womens' company. I know that my circle of (girl) friends like him a lot.

Somewhere along the way, he and she seemed to spark off each other. As the years passed, they seem to gravitate towards each other in social situations - and they always seem to spend a lot of time laughing. Now she is very lively, attracts a lot of male attention and is very adroit in handling herself.

Over the past while, I have come to the view that she seeks him out in these situations. H runs into both of them more than I do - at rugby games, lunches etc. etc...

I am pretty sociable - but prefer small groups. A slight hearing problem does not help.

When he comes home, he always gives me a blow by blow report of the badinage between her and him. Her husband is purely a bystander - trying to keep up. He is dull - but harmless.

Sometimes, at gatherings, I see H and her in a crowd but kind of separate from it - H doing his usual gassing and she bent over laughing, holding on to his shoulder for support. There is nothing surrepticious about the way this is done - and most usually, they will repeat the banter when I rejoin them.

She has told me on numerous occasions that H is "brilliant" - always leaves me a bit tongue-tied.

She cycles a lot and just recently, H took our dog for a marathon walk along a towpath that is not far from us. Along the way, he met her as she cycled home. She got off and walked along with him - for five miles!!!!. When they got to the end of the towpath, they had an ice-cream and sat on a bench. She fed the last of her Magnum to our dog and H used his phone to take a short video of the dog licking the last of the Magnum. When he got home, he could not wait to show me the dog licking the ice-cream. He thought it was very funny. She has just recently become a (very young) grand-mother and he regaled me with all his witticisms about her new found status as a granny.

As I write this, I cannot decide whether I am complete idiot or whether I am right to be on my guard.

Thankfully, we only encounter them on an occasional basis. Sometimes a year could go by without running into them - but, as happened recently, H could see them a lot in a short time.

My sister thinks I am an idiot - but then she thinks he is brilliant. (I can't watch them all - joke!!!).

OP posts:
thatsn0tmyname · 14/09/2014 21:49

I think he tells you everything to prevent anything happening in the future as he likes her more than he should.

tinks4 · 14/09/2014 22:17

Not sure if there is an attraction there that could be acted on if the chance came up or if it is entirely innocent and they just seem to like each other's company.

I would be interested to hear what your husband thought of her previously. If it's only now that he's taking the mick out of her to you and effectively telling you what you want to hear then I would be a little wary. Has he been complimentary about her, given you the impression that he enjoys her company when you've discussed her previously?

You do sound jealous of her. If you think she fancies your husband then that is understandable, but you are very negative about her "dull" husband when it seems uncalled for. I guess you are thinking that as he is so dull his wife is going to be interested in your husband as he is "brilliant".

I personally cannot envisage any scenario where I would say to the wife of a man I fancied that I thought he was "brilliant" regardless of whether I had any intention to act on it or not.

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 14/09/2014 22:33

I can imagine that I might say to a wife that I think her dh is brilliant, and if I did so it would be code for: I like your husband very much and I know he's yours and I'm telling you how very very lucky I think you are and I'm rather envious of you.. it wouldn't mean I was after him

MorrisZapp · 14/09/2014 22:41

This thread has reminded me of a debate ages ago about how identifiable we make other people in our posts. Sorry but if I was a new granny in my early fifties with daughters who looked just like me and who had walked five miles with my cyclist friend then been filmed as his dog licked up the last of my magnum then I'd feel a bit exposed by this.

Neither party have done anything wrong that I can see.

lavenderhoney · 14/09/2014 22:54

Op, if she's as regimented as you say, then she wouldn't have hopped off her bike for a chat and walked 5 miles. How long did that take in the heat pushing a bike? Your dog must have been exhausted - if only they could talk..

Either they've been having an affair for years in plain sight and for some reason ( perhaps you've just started reading the mn relationships board!) you've thought, hold on...

Or you're over reacting and its nothing. Does your dh often take the dog out for marathon walks alone and is she a keen cyclist? I do think you and your dh bonded over slating this woman and her husband which isn't quite right, somehow, and its interesting the slating was about sex. Have you and your dh ever shared how you really felt about these people, whom you and more so your dh, have known for many years? You both kept that quiet! And how do you know so much about her home life? Is it all hearsay?

When she says your husband is brilliant, do you ask in what way and why she thinks so? And do you compliment her dh or be a bit smug? Its interesting you have known each other for years, they even moved closer, your dh and her are get on so well, but you've never made that step to couple friends and her as a friend of yours. What kept it all at arms length? Not just her dh being a bit dull surely?

Foxyroan · 14/09/2014 22:58

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard - I think you make a very good point about not saying anything to him about she perhaps fancying him. (Wouldn't want to start giving him ideas!!!!).

TBH - some of the posts have thrown me. Not sure why DH is the subject of such opprobrium. Not sure what exactly he has done wrong.

For me the key point is that he came home and told me all about meeting her that day - and showed me the video clip (which was more about the dog than anything else).
It transpires that she went home and said nothing about meeting him. And then today, when I ran it up the flagpole, by showing the video of the dog, she proffered an edited version of what had actually happened.

Last night when I got it into the conversation, he brought up the point about she being dismissive about her hubby (a few times), and I think he was re-thinking that element of their conversation. It was in that context he said "You know, I think she could be a right bitch" - it was said in a musing way, as if it was a side to her that he saw for the first time.

And it was in that context that I saw him paying more attention to her hubby today.

He is only just back and we haven't sat down to talk about the day yet - but, he did pick up on her edited version of their walk, and he just said "That was a bit weird".

Actually my sister (who doesn't know her) makes the point that it is quite a chore to walk five miles with bike.

I'm just going to let all this go - while remaining alert to see what her approach is the next time there is a social occasion with alcohol on the go.

My friends who know him in real life think he a grand bloke and so do I.

OP posts:
DirtyOldTown · 14/09/2014 23:09

You said you never socialise with them, and sometimes a year could go by without running into them. Doesn't seem like that in your follow up posts.

Your 'brilliant' husband is a two faced twat. You're a jealous cow. Nasty.

DaughterDilemma · 15/09/2014 00:56

I think people, including myself now, are filling the gap which is the mystery 5 mile walk. If something had happened then, everything else would fall into place, particularly her not telling hubby where she was, and him walking off as soon as the story was run up the flagpole as you say. Sorry if that's not what you want to hear. Only he knows the truth.

BendyLegs · 15/09/2014 03:45

If I were married to a bell end who called his friend a right bitch and mimicked her behind her back I would be worried he's doing the same thing about me behind mine. Maybe that's how he makes her laugh. Or maybe he told her he walks the dog with a stop watch, that would certainly make me PMSL.

alifemoreordinary · 15/09/2014 05:14

Oh for goodness sakes, the OP and her husband were bantering among themselves. For all those shouting nasty and the like, I am very sure you have chatted about people you know with your dh, in a private context, in a light hearted way. To pick up on that issue specifically and be vitriolic about it, it's just a bit ridiculous.

To my mind there is no mystery 5 mile walk. It very likely happened exactly as the OP's husband described it.

CleopatrasAsp · 15/09/2014 05:45

I really hate the word 'banter' it covers all sorts of nastiness in my opinion. I agree with AF and other posters, the OP and her husband come off as very unpleasant and smug. I think the terminology used by the OP's DH is very revealing actually, he isn't nice at all. With that in mind I wouldn't be surprised if he was fucking the 'friend', hiding in plain sight is pretty common behaviour for people who are having affairs.

BendyLegs · 15/09/2014 07:39

Not much private about banter (or, ahem, badinage, if you will) being posted on the internet though is there, alifemoreordinary?
At least all seem to have ended well for OP. In the extradordinary way that problems years in the making, however unlikely, are sorted out within hours of the original posting. Enter incredulous emoticon here.

alifemoreordinary · 15/09/2014 09:39

That's sort of besides the point BendyLegs (it's the behaviour prior to any public posting that they are being judged on) but yes, it's probably banter that best doesn't make its way online.

DaughterDilemma · 15/09/2014 09:41

I must say this does have all the hallmarks of a Jilly Cooper. Surprising amount of detail for anonymity.

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