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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

She thinks my husband is "brilliant".

139 replies

Foxyroan · 13/09/2014 18:48

We are in our early 50's and have had a lovely life. Minor ups and downs - but, on the whole, we are among the lucky ones.

We are friendly with another couple, who are just a bit younger than us. They would be regarded as a perfect couple. I know she is highly regarded in her profession, he is dull but trustworthy. They have raised a perfect family (too perfect???). Despite her full time job, their house etc. is perfection (always). She looks better today than she did when I first met her 25 years ago - even up close, it is hard to distinguish her from her daughters.

I knew her first through some common friends and then, way back, we met twice on holiday - completely by coincidence. We got on great. And then, shortly afterwards, they moved house closer to us - so over the years we have seen a lot of them. But friendly and all as we are, we do not socialise together - but find ourselves at the same gigs a lot over the years.

My H is very sociable and is very easy in womens' company. I know that my circle of (girl) friends like him a lot.

Somewhere along the way, he and she seemed to spark off each other. As the years passed, they seem to gravitate towards each other in social situations - and they always seem to spend a lot of time laughing. Now she is very lively, attracts a lot of male attention and is very adroit in handling herself.

Over the past while, I have come to the view that she seeks him out in these situations. H runs into both of them more than I do - at rugby games, lunches etc. etc...

I am pretty sociable - but prefer small groups. A slight hearing problem does not help.

When he comes home, he always gives me a blow by blow report of the badinage between her and him. Her husband is purely a bystander - trying to keep up. He is dull - but harmless.

Sometimes, at gatherings, I see H and her in a crowd but kind of separate from it - H doing his usual gassing and she bent over laughing, holding on to his shoulder for support. There is nothing surrepticious about the way this is done - and most usually, they will repeat the banter when I rejoin them.

She has told me on numerous occasions that H is "brilliant" - always leaves me a bit tongue-tied.

She cycles a lot and just recently, H took our dog for a marathon walk along a towpath that is not far from us. Along the way, he met her as she cycled home. She got off and walked along with him - for five miles!!!!. When they got to the end of the towpath, they had an ice-cream and sat on a bench. She fed the last of her Magnum to our dog and H used his phone to take a short video of the dog licking the last of the Magnum. When he got home, he could not wait to show me the dog licking the ice-cream. He thought it was very funny. She has just recently become a (very young) grand-mother and he regaled me with all his witticisms about her new found status as a granny.

As I write this, I cannot decide whether I am complete idiot or whether I am right to be on my guard.

Thankfully, we only encounter them on an occasional basis. Sometimes a year could go by without running into them - but, as happened recently, H could see them a lot in a short time.

My sister thinks I am an idiot - but then she thinks he is brilliant. (I can't watch them all - joke!!!).

OP posts:
ArsenicFaceCream · 13/09/2014 23:00

Richard Armitage!?

Did you see Spooks? He didn't look ike he'd be able to find Big Ben in a crisis. Tsk. and he wears make up

ArsenicFaceCream · 13/09/2014 23:04

Not that Richard Armitage is strictly relevant to this thread, obviously Blush

Sorry chaps. As you were Smile

FlossyMoo · 13/09/2014 23:05

Tsk sorry folks Grin

PerpendicularVincenzo · 13/09/2014 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 23:16

Not sure about the threat to go round there and do a 'white glove inspection'. It sounds almost as though he's testing your reaction. I mean, they get on swimmingly, you seem easy going so he might think you don't care, her hubby is dull and wouldn't notice. It's all a bit close for comfort.

I would be doing a diva strop by now and making things very clear to him.

You seem almost nervous of spoiling their fun.

cerealqueen · 13/09/2014 23:33

How would he feel if you let another man's dog lick your ice cream? And you filmed it? All seems a bit coy and coqettish and bloody annoying!

Thumbwitch · 13/09/2014 23:40

I don't know if this will help or not, but my Nan (Mum's mum) used to get on really well with my Dad. To the point that my mum used to occasionally snarkily point out that Dad should really have married her mum, not her. But of course there was nothing in it, they just got on really really well and could have a laugh together. I think my Dad was more upset than my Mum when Nanna died!

Dragonfly71 · 13/09/2014 23:46

Letting another mans dog lick your icecream sounds like a really weird euphemism...
OP, if I was you I'd be a tad worried too. I think I would let my DH know ( in a jokey way) that I'd clocked how much this friend likes him and warn him to take care.... But I would make sure I was in no way implying I doubted his intentions as it's horrible to feel as though your partner doesn't trust you!

getthefeckouttahere · 14/09/2014 01:01

i think all of this sounds fine, they have known each other for an awfully long time and just get on really well, i wouldn't have a problem with it. I would be far more concerned were it a woman who had recently appeared on the scene.

I say, be relaxed with it.

Anotherchapter · 14/09/2014 01:08

Hhhmmmm I don't know.

I have a make friend who is hilarious but when I tell dp what he has said it sounds crap. I was in tears the last time I spoke to him at a do.

On the other hand I know blokes that over disclose to the dw about a great 'friend' they have when they really have been shagging her.

I don't think your dh is shagging her. Prob just enjoys her company. Harmless.

DirtyOldTown · 14/09/2014 01:19

You can deny being jealous of her all you want but your catty remarks about her "too perfect" life say otherwise.
Talk to your DH about it if it really bothers you.
You say she is lively but her husband dull, it sounds as if she feels the same way about you. Instead of watching them interact at social functions, join them.

(The bit about the dog licking the ice cream sounds bonkers. How is that odd?)

LosingAllTheLego · 14/09/2014 06:17

Hmmm I honestly think it sounds nothing at all!

I've been described as the type of person others gravitate towards, although I'm not the loudest etc. In turn I have certain friends who I do the same with. If there's 200 people at a party, it is always the way that I'll end up with man 1 and man 2. We've been friends for 12years, and its always been that way because we're so similar that we do just pull towards each other. There's nothing underhand, and if either my or their partners were to join us we'd likely regail them with our antics - although they never seem as funny to others!

Long and short of it is that we're mates. The thought of anything more than that is a bit eeeew! We genuinely don't think of each other in that way. The bike thing would probably happen with us too!

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 14/09/2014 06:26

I think the fact that he's openly telling you all of this means there is no bad intention on his part. I am sure he's flattered by her and perhaps has a bit of a schoolboy crush on her, but I don't think it sounds as though he intends to act on it.

And I'm sure the same could be said of her. However…..I wouldn't be too trusting. Be vigilant and keep your eye out for any situations where you think one or other of them may have manufactured a 'chance meeting.'

All the while both of them are happy in their respective marriages all will be fine. The problem might come when one of them decides they are not.

cedricsneer · 14/09/2014 06:37

She sounds like a total pain in the arse. She also sounds like she has a large ego, has probably measured her self-esteem by basking in a man's approval and your husband is her stooge in this.

It reminds me a little bit of women who went to finishing school or Lucie Clayton to learn the essential skills of flirting, keeping house and making men look good. Very annoying and probably full of insincere flattery which I'm sure your husband enjoys.

I agree he sounds innocent (although I hate the term pussy whipped - maybe pull him up on that?) but I would be pointing all of the above out to him tactfully. It's making him come across as a bit of an arse.

sonjadog · 14/09/2014 09:24

I think it sounds like a friendship and that's all. I can understand why you would be a little wary of it, but it doesn't sound to me like you have anything to worry about. I have male friends and we hang out together at parties and meet to walk our dogs and have gone for coffee and there is and will never be anything going on between us.

This woman sounds like someone who has such control in her private life that she needs to let her hair down with someone who she feels no responsiblity towards, and that person is your dp.

BeCool · 14/09/2014 09:51

I've found some friends partners to be brilliant and really enjoy their company, seek them out a bit to catch up and have a laugh with at parties etc.

No fancying involved - just like to spend time with them socially.

Evabeaversprotege · 14/09/2014 10:48

You could be describing my relationship with my BIL!!

I adore him - he's funny, caring, kind - oh and married to my big sister!!

I love him like a brother but I can talk to him in a way I can't talk to them.

I also love my husband, have been married 17 years.

Flossiex2 · 14/09/2014 10:56

There is probably nothing to it but I would not be impressed with the shared laughs over the dog licking the ice cream. Your husband sounds a bit over-excited by it all.

Hodgepig · 14/09/2014 11:04

She sounds as though she likes you as well. You get to be married to your DH and she gets to live a regimented (tense if perfect?) life. Yours is more fun - and your DH sounds like a nice, easygoing man. I can think of a couple of mutual (or just my own) female friends that my DH might run into and do the same.

FolkGirl · 14/09/2014 11:11

I am friends with a man and his wife could say very similar about our friendship.

I'm also friends with her. They are like chalk and cheese personality wise; they both say this. But they, as a couple, just work. They always strike me as impenetrable.

He and I are very similar personality wise and we probably have 'sought each other out' on occasions in this way. We have similar tastes in lots of things and often finish each other's sentences/say the same thing at the same time purely because our minds think in the same way.

There is absolutely no romantic/sexual interest on either side, but we do just get on really well.

I can't say that that is so in your case, just that it isn't always an automatic 'red flag' and it doesn't necessarily mean that there is something untoward going on.

And she isn't necessarily after him. She might just feel really safe around him and secure in the knowledge that it is no more than just a really good friendship and confident that he isn't going to misread the signs and hit on her.

maras2 · 14/09/2014 13:00

As most posters have said,have a word with DH as he seems like mine and has no idea that she's wanting to jump his bones.

DaughterDilemma · 14/09/2014 13:04

I generally get on with men better than women at parties but will talk to a lot of them, not just stand next to one of them and put my hand on their shoulder. I would know how that would look and just wouldn't do it.

FolkGirl · 14/09/2014 13:07

She might not be wanting to jump his bones. She might just like him.

maras2 · 14/09/2014 13:24

Nah Folkgirl.I'm a woman of a certain age like her and I know what makes us tick.

OwlCapone · 14/09/2014 13:25

Nah Folkgirl.I'm a woman of a certain age like her and I know what makes us tick.

No, you only know what makes you tick.