Am pregnant. Dp really does not want this baby. I do. Please help me.

[allyjay]

Hi Everyone

Feeling a bit desperate this morning. I have lots of friends and family in RL but don't feel I can confide in any of them. Feel so lonely and sad. This is the story: Dp and I have been together for just over 8 years. I have a DC (who is 16) from a previous marriage and we have two DC together (5 and 3 nearly 4 respectively). Several months ago I came off the pil, I had been on it since the birth of my youngest and was fed up of taking (well forgetting to take) it. Dp knew this and we agreed to use condoms instead. Anyway, fast forward a few months we'd both had a few drinks (well many) and we ended up having sex and not using a condom, more than once I'm afraid to say. We didn't really discuss the prospect of pregnancy, except to agree that it was unlikely, after only two times and given my age (40) that I would concieve. How very very stupid we were. He did also say at the time 'I don't really want another baby' but went ahead and had sex we with me without protection anyway.

I am pregnant, obviously, and I really thought when I told him several weeks ago that he would huff and puff a little bit, but then get used to the idea and be happy. It has not been like that at all. He made it clear that he doesn't want another child and that can't see how it would be a good thing for us and our family at all. I on the other hand, whilst feeling a little bit apprehensive for the same reasons as him, would really like to have this baby. The conversation ended up with a stalemate and me in tears. Basically he wants me to have a termination. This was three weeks ago. Life has carried on. I had a midwife booking in appt.which he even took me to and various letters through the post about pregnancy related appointments. I had started to hope that his silence on the subject meant that he was coming round to the idea and sort of kept a bit quiet. What a stupid stupid bitch I am. This morning I mention, in passing, that I am going to be under consultant led care, given my age and past history of anxiety and depression and he acted all surprised and said but we haven't really resolved all this yet. I was speechless really. I told him that whilst I had misgivings like him (small house but looking to buy bigger very soon, my history of depression, and how it will affect other children etc) I was certain I wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy. He says I've buried my head in the sand, which I suppose I have, but I told him in our first conversation that I was NOT willing to terminate and my position hasn't changed.

He is now saying we need to sit down and have long conversation about it and that I need to 'persuade' him that having this baby is a good thing. He didn't actually say we would split up if I refused to terminate but did say something like 'I don't want to split up but......'.I feel so pathetic and stupid that I could have let this happen. I did know that he wasn,t that keen on another baby but went ahead anyway. I really, really don't want to terminate this pregnancy but thinking maybe I should for the sake of everyone else? I don't know what to do, I wish I had heeded him at the time instead of thoughtlessly and selfishly ploughing on and thinking 'ah it will be all right probably won't get pregnant anyway'.

Just to let you know we have never had problems before, yes we fight like any other couple but he is a loving and generous partner and father to me and the children. So sorry for the long windedness of it, I hope it makes sense. I am happy to answer any questions and I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advise. Thank you all

What about your mental health if you have a termination you don't want?

Life is more difficult with another baby - it is also has more of the good stuff :)

You told him at the time that you wouldn't mind another one.
You said you didn't want another termination.
You said you went through hell with two previous terminations.

I think that you having a termination will cause as many, if not more, problems going forward as having this baby would. I'd rather have a baby and sort out the 'issues' than a termination and sort out the 'issues'. I think from everything you have said, you would too. I think if you have this termination your mental health will suffer and your resentment towards your DH will kill your relationship. Either way your relationship is on rocky ground, so I certainly wouldn't terminate to 'save it'.

This is an emotionally draining situation for you to be in. I don't think anyone here can advise you at all. All relationships and situations are different. You are also dealing with a very difficult topic of termination, where many here have a black and white approach to it, it's wrong, or on the other hand people who have faced similar situations like yours and appreciate life is not black and white and when in the situation it's extremely hard to know what to do. Let me tell you my story,, so you don't feel so alone in your decision making.

I have been on both sides of the fence. I was anti termination. Very much so and felt anyone who considered it were utterly selfish. I was with my partner at the time for a few years and was in my late 20's. So not entirely young. We had taken precautions but I became pregnant. (Blame game at this point anyhow would have been irrelevant to the situation). I hadn't planned on it at all. we just weren't ready. He did not want the pregnancy. We went for councelling, where he voiced his concerns and opinion. Not this time, but maybe in a few years. Although I was scared and really wasn't ready at all, I found his support utterly selfish. I could see he was scared but I told him I could not terminate. Even tho the situation was not right at the time for many reasons. So we proceeded. I had my dc. He was utterly useless as a father/partner. I did everything. Even tho he loved his dc to bits he hadn't a clue what parenting was. He still hasn't a clue. When we had arguements he told me well you were the one that went through with it. It was nasty and hurtful and i know he didn't mean it but it was his trump card to use in those arguements. So eventually we separated when dc was 2. But I love my dc to bits and my life would not be complete without my dc. I knew i had made the right decision.

LIfe was tough as a single parent. I vowed i'd never bother getting into a relationship again. I would focus on dc. Which i did. But eventually i realised i needed companionship. I met another man years later. He was everything exdp wasn't. Reliable and get up and go etc. HOwever i wanted to take things slow as I felt i had dc and didn't want to have someone upset us. I did wonder would i have another child or just appreciate my wonder dc and concentrate on making our life good.3 years went by. We progressed slowly. until one day i felt sick. i had an implant so was 100% convinced it was flu. But i was pregnant. A complete shock. I felt i was getting too old now for a new baby. It would ruin everything i had achieved and a happy, financial life with my dc and a happy relationship as it was. I was so scared telling him it took me 2 weeks. He was furious/scared/upset, naturally. When the blaming died down. He told me in no uncertain terms that he did not want this. I told him that I didnt either but that i was in a situation now where i had to make one of the toughest choices. I thought back to my past. But this was different. If i had another child I would be on the breadline. I did not want to be a single parent to two children. my dc would suffer also i felt. My relationship as it was good before this, would be strained. But i also realised this most likely would be the last possible chance for me to have a child, maybe my dc would like a sibling.Maybe i could do it. AGe wasn't on my side. I asked him to let me have a few days to think. All the time of course I know time is ticking. When i contacted him again he said he hadn't changed his mind. It just wasn't right for him. Fear/anxiety i don't know what it was but he wouldn't listen and told me that i would regret it if i went ahead. He would never help and i would never see him again. I knew some of that was fear but i knew i couldn't do it alone. I weighed everything up and I couldn't do it. It wasn't for him as such i couldn't do it myself. I felt weak. I terminated. Alone without anyone for support. I had complications and almost died. I felt it was punishement at times. I went against everything I believed in. LIfe of the unborn who had no say in the matter.
So as i recount this to you, I have a lovely dc and I am ok financially and reasonably happy and I did stay with him for a while after, until his true selfish colours showed. Somedays I think I made the right decision but deep down i regret it. I will never get that chance again.

So I empahise with you. It is possibly the most difficult decision to have to make on your life/marriage/motherly instinct. Take a little time to think it all through. Rationally.

middleage how painful, I'm so sorry you went through that. I really wish you peace with your past.

allyjay there is of course the third option of relinquishing for adoption, if you don't want to terminate but can't see how you would cope as a family. It's a hugely tough road, especially with your 16yo and probably your 5yo but I just want to throw it out there.

I think the chance of having it being your fault during every tough time in the next decade is the most damaging potentially to your relationship. He needs to put your mind at ease more on that front, I think.

Wishing you some joy in this pregnancy - and congratulations.

OP, your mental health is a bit of a Wickerman isn't it? He's using it as an excuse to get rid of the baby and make sure that you feel like you have to do it because there's something wrong with you, rather than being forced to do it because he's a selfish git.

You have three children at home already. Given the fact he's had three children with you, no matter what he is saying now, he must have been pretty damn convinced that you were a decent mother otherwise why would he have carried on having children with you?

He's using your depression and anxiety as a tool to manipulate you with.

OP, I hope things are feeling a bit clearer for you.

If it is any help, my Dsis was in a similar situation, having already had 3 DC, her DH was worried about the strain another would have on their lives.

It was horrible for her, and she stuck with her decision. Her youngest is now 10, and very much adored. There is no mistaking the fact though that family life is more chaotic for them all.

I would be worried that this could be an opportunity for your DH to back off whenever the going gets tough with 'I told you so'. I think once you have made your decision, you need to tell your DH, and tell him it is his opportunity to make his. He either stays and supports you all, or he walks away now.

How are you doing Ally?

Oh heck. It's a situation as old as time isn't it?

Been there and got that shirt too.

In my case a condom broke. Told doctors. Said I would be fine. I already had a daughter and son.

Next thing there's a baby on the way.

Woke up one morning to find the gynaecologist at my door!!!

I kid you not. When he realised I was undecided he said it was best too leave it.

I imagined myself four or five years down the line when things were a bit easier,( I had a lot of health issues and my son was very hard to raise,) really regretting doing away with my child ( a beautiful golden haired daughter!)

My husband did not want this other child. My parents did not want me to have another child.

But I couldn't do it.

The face of this little blonde haired daughter kept haunting me.

To be fair, life carried on as normal. I can't remember any recriminations during my pregnancy, which was my best ever. I never had morning sickness I just blossomed.

I eventually gave birth to my baby which resembled nothing like my dream child.

For starters it was a boy. It was a little boy with disabilities. Life was already hard and then another spanner was thrown in the works. It took years and years of operations to get him where he is today. Thankfully there were no learning difficulties.

He's a father himself now to two gorgeous adorable boys who luckily never inherited his condition.

When my marriage went pear shaped his eldest son pulled me through. I'm not saying I wouldn't have made it without him but he made life so much more bearable.

So, my husband cheated and left me anyway and was at times a nasty piece of work and my son and grandson pulled me through!

We have no control over what the partner/ husband choose to do but if you are a good mother it's very rare for a child to turn its back on you and from what I know I would rather put my faith in my unborn child.

Just my two pennorth.