Am pregnant. Dp really does not want this baby. I do. Please help me.

[allyjay]

Hi Everyone

Feeling a bit desperate this morning. I have lots of friends and family in RL but don't feel I can confide in any of them. Feel so lonely and sad. This is the story: Dp and I have been together for just over 8 years. I have a DC (who is 16) from a previous marriage and we have two DC together (5 and 3 nearly 4 respectively). Several months ago I came off the pil, I had been on it since the birth of my youngest and was fed up of taking (well forgetting to take) it. Dp knew this and we agreed to use condoms instead. Anyway, fast forward a few months we'd both had a few drinks (well many) and we ended up having sex and not using a condom, more than once I'm afraid to say. We didn't really discuss the prospect of pregnancy, except to agree that it was unlikely, after only two times and given my age (40) that I would concieve. How very very stupid we were. He did also say at the time 'I don't really want another baby' but went ahead and had sex we with me without protection anyway.

I am pregnant, obviously, and I really thought when I told him several weeks ago that he would huff and puff a little bit, but then get used to the idea and be happy. It has not been like that at all. He made it clear that he doesn't want another child and that can't see how it would be a good thing for us and our family at all. I on the other hand, whilst feeling a little bit apprehensive for the same reasons as him, would really like to have this baby. The conversation ended up with a stalemate and me in tears. Basically he wants me to have a termination. This was three weeks ago. Life has carried on. I had a midwife booking in appt.which he even took me to and various letters through the post about pregnancy related appointments. I had started to hope that his silence on the subject meant that he was coming round to the idea and sort of kept a bit quiet. What a stupid stupid bitch I am. This morning I mention, in passing, that I am going to be under consultant led care, given my age and past history of anxiety and depression and he acted all surprised and said but we haven't really resolved all this yet. I was speechless really. I told him that whilst I had misgivings like him (small house but looking to buy bigger very soon, my history of depression, and how it will affect other children etc) I was certain I wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy. He says I've buried my head in the sand, which I suppose I have, but I told him in our first conversation that I was NOT willing to terminate and my position hasn't changed.

He is now saying we need to sit down and have long conversation about it and that I need to 'persuade' him that having this baby is a good thing. He didn't actually say we would split up if I refused to terminate but did say something like 'I don't want to split up but......'.I feel so pathetic and stupid that I could have let this happen. I did know that he wasn,t that keen on another baby but went ahead anyway. I really, really don't want to terminate this pregnancy but thinking maybe I should for the sake of everyone else? I don't know what to do, I wish I had heeded him at the time instead of thoughtlessly and selfishly ploughing on and thinking 'ah it will be all right probably won't get pregnant anyway'.

Just to let you know we have never had problems before, yes we fight like any other couple but he is a loving and generous partner and father to me and the children. So sorry for the long windedness of it, I hope it makes sense. I am happy to answer any questions and I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advise. Thank you all

I am of the opinion that no woman should have a termination on the say so of a man when she doesn't want to or is not sure. He also took a risk by not using a condomn. And children say things but don't mean them. So I wouldn't really take a lot of notice of your DD. It isn't her choice. It's yours. If you think you will have massive regrets then don't. He is entitled not to want another baby but should have thought of that before.

Your eldest will be very selfish if she reacts like that.

You chose to have the children you have now. It's not more selfish to have another unless they all starve or are severely impacted.

And if your 16 year old decides to leave home, let her go and make a life for herself.

Your eldest child does not get to dictate how many children you have! Don't let her bully you either.
Maybe you can offer to help both of them pack .

Only you can decide what procedures you want or dont want to put your body through. You need to make a decision based solely on you and the possibility that you may have to "go it alone". Once decided, you tell him your plan. No convincing or persuading him at all.

DH i intend to do X. You can either be fully on board or you can walk away. Take some time to decide, but either decision is yours and yours alone and I need you to commit to it.

I agree that your daughter's opinion can't carry much weight. She's a 16 year old woman, if she doesn't want to live with children (which is fine) then she doesn't have to.

In all seriousness he is being a massively selfish wanker, on more than one score.

It is too late to decide he doesn't want another child - that decision was made when he chose not to use a condom. End of.

He cannot turn around now and say 'I am worried about your mental health, so you need to have a termination' - too fucking late! That was also a decision he made when he had unprotected sex with you (you did too, but you aren't the one using it as an excuse!). Even if he is genuinely worried, then FFS how does he think pushing you into a termination is going to help your actual mental health or doesn't that matter as long as you take more pills so HE isn't affected by it?

Not to mention the fact that it sounds like he's not exactly doing his 'fair share' of domestic/child stuff anyway.

As for DD - perhaps she has spent too much time listening to her step dad and thinks emotional blackmail is acceptable. She'd soon be told otherwise here.

You are not being selfish. You had unprotected sex (which was a bit daft if you didn't want another child - but maybe there's a part of you that did??) and you ended up pregnant (sods law given all the people madly trying that can't!) and you are taking responsibility for that, you are the one who would have to live with another termination or would have to do the lions share of looking after the baby anyway, your body - your decision. Your mental health at steak if you don't deal well with another termination.

Can I ask two questions - feel free not to answer.

1. Do your mental health issues pre-date your DP?

1. Why has he not had a vasectomy if he feels so strongly that he doesn't want anymore children?

In all seriousness he is being a massively selfish wanker, on more than one score. It is too late to decide he doesn't want another child - that decision was made when he chose not to use a condom. End of.

I disagree on three points - the availability of the morning after pill, the possibility of a termination and the fact that he said, "I don't want another baby".

I absolutely agree that his wish does not trump the OP's. That's why this is so difficult.

I think it's reasonable to have a calm discussion of what his fears and concerns are around continuing and having another child. That doesn't mean that he gets to berate you for being pregnant or to try and emotionally blackmail you. It is fair to discuss his concerns, so that you understand where he is coming from. You can then both try to resolve or minimise the things that he sees as problematic. At the end of the day though, you ARE pregnant and now you are the only one who can decide what does or doesn't happen to your body.

If he tries to solely blame you for being pregnant when you talk to him, try and stay calm and say something like "no, remember it was both of us who agreed not to use contraception so we are both at fault for that". If he tries to emotionally blackmail you by saying things like "I don't want to split up but...", then again, call him out on that by saying something like "threats are not helpful in this discussion - if you feel you want to separate, then that's another discussion altogether. Whether you stay or leave is not relevant to whether I continue with this pregnancy".

Please don't worry about what your other children might think. 16 year olds are not exactly known for being emotionally balanced!

Vivacia

It is far too late for the morning after pill.
The OP has had two terminations she doesn't want another
He said 'I don't want a baby' - so the fuck what, did he think that was some magic spell that would mean him having unprotected sex wouldn't result in a baby?

It's not difficult, not at all. The OP is pregnant, she doesn't want a termination. Simple.

It sounds to me like you planned this all along? You wanted a fourth child, so you stopped your pills. Told your dp that this is what you had done. You did not insist on condoms but had drunken sex. You have been planning your pregnancy and your ante natal care while he have buried his head in the sand thinking he had done his part by letting you know he did not want to father any more children.

Did you even own any condoms at the time of conception?

You do not have to 'persuade' him of anything because this is your decision to make, not his. If anything he is the one that will need to do the persuading.

But whether or not to have a termination doesn't always boil down to practical and 'logical' reasons. I put logical in inverted commas because how you feel about it is the overriding factor, but feelings are deemed to be illogical in some circles. But they aren't are they? What's more logical than doing what feels right?

With regards your depression, him being more supportive in general (not just of this matter) is going to help. Having a termination against your will isn't going to help.

I realise that it's too late for contraception now but given his words I don't think he was saying, "ah, what will be, will be. If you get pregnant and I'm consenting to have another baby".

She didn't stop her pills because she wanted a 4th child . You are just making things up in that post Quintessential.

Her DP knew what the situation was. He didn't put a condom on it and is now going 'wah, not fair'

If he didn't want another baby he should have put a condom on or not had penetrative sex. Is it really that hard?

Latte - yes my mental health issues pre-date my dp. I have had bouts (of fairly mild to moderate) depression since late teens, early twenties. It only got worse after birth of youngest. Soon after youngest was born, lots of crap came to light in my extended family which left my mum and dad distraught, so I shouldered a big burden of supporting them and dp supported me. Inside really felt like I was falling apart. I then got help.

No we have never discussed the possibility of a vascectomy, I don't know why. He has never said contraception is my responsibility but I appear to have always taken it. Might mention it to him tonight.

Yes agree about daughter, it is not up to her. I just don't want her unhappiness added to all this mess. My parents live nearby, they always have a spare bed. She can always go there if she really wants to. We have talked about this before when the younger dc's were getting on her nerves. So she knows this.

Do you think your husband is talking about leaving you as a threat to get you to toe the line or because it reflects how much he feels like a hostage to fortune?

I disagree on three points - the availability of the morning after pill, the possibility of a termination and the fact that he said, "I don't want another baby".

On point one, did he ask you to take the morning after pill?
Point two, he does not make the choice about a termination. But he could have made the choice of not having penetrative sex without a condom.
And point three, I don't want another baby now, but if I got pregnant for any reason, I would have it and would love it. Wanting and accepting are different things.

And TBH, I think I would leave a man who told me to have an abortion or he'd leave. He would have to grovel quite badly for me to accept him back, as I wouldn't want an unwilling father around me at the time of having a baby.

We'll have to disagree on this. I believe that having unprotected sex means you have to accept responsibility for a child if one "appears" as a result. I don't think it means you are agreeing to have a child.

He's not a hostage to fortune . He had choices. He chose to have sex without protection.

From what you've said, you won't forgive yourself if you have a termination. You can't be pushed into it by your perception of what other people's preferences are. Also your DP sounds way less committed to the idea of a termination, than you are to the idea of not having one - on the contrary you sound very sure of yourself. I'm sure you'll persuade him that having the baby is the best way forward, he'll come round soon enough.

FWIW I think that you want to have this baby. And that should be that.

All the rest, including how your daughter will feel and whether your husband will want to stay in a relationship with you, will just have to fall in to place. You can't take responsibility for their feelings and actions.

Both of them could have chosen to not have sex without a condom.

If he didn't want a baby he shouldn't have been trying for a baby. That's what unprotected piv sex is.
He knew you weren't taking hormonal contraception yet he chose to have intercourse and ejaculate into a fertile woman. In what world is that him acting as if he doesn't want a baby?
If a man ever pressured me to abort that would be the end of the relationship. He is trying to control your body and that is completely wrong.

I didn't plan it Quint. When I came off the pill, I told him before I even did. I've been on and off the pill all my adult life and I'll be honest I kept forgetting to take it and kept running out of it. Not only did I take the pill but we always used condoms at the same time too. So very cautious. We agreed to carry on with the condoms.

Yes I was fairly ambivalent about another baby. For me it wasn't the end of the world if I did get pregnant, but I certainly didn't plan it. He told me, but only at the time that he didn't want another, but carried on doing the deed. I suppose I thought at the time that if he didn't want another then he needs to stop now because I'm not bothered one way or the other. I still feel that. Yet I still feel that it's all my fault too and that I somehow forced him to DTD.