Hi Everyone
Feeling a bit desperate this morning. I have lots of friends and family in RL but don't feel I can confide in any of them. Feel so lonely and sad. This is the story: Dp and I have been together for just over 8 years. I have a DC (who is 16) from a previous marriage and we have two DC together (5 and 3 nearly 4 respectively). Several months ago I came off the pil, I had been on it since the birth of my youngest and was fed up of taking (well forgetting to take) it. Dp knew this and we agreed to use condoms instead. Anyway, fast forward a few months we'd both had a few drinks (well many) and we ended up having sex and not using a condom, more than once I'm afraid to say. We didn't really discuss the prospect of pregnancy, except to agree that it was unlikely, after only two times and given my age (40) that I would concieve. How very very stupid we were. He did also say at the time 'I don't really want another baby' but went ahead and had sex we with me without protection anyway.
I am pregnant, obviously, and I really thought when I told him several weeks ago that he would huff and puff a little bit, but then get used to the idea and be happy. It has not been like that at all. He made it clear that he doesn't want another child and that can't see how it would be a good thing for us and our family at all. I on the other hand, whilst feeling a little bit apprehensive for the same reasons as him, would really like to have this baby. The conversation ended up with a stalemate and me in tears. Basically he wants me to have a termination. This was three weeks ago. Life has carried on. I had a midwife booking in appt.which he even took me to and various letters through the post about pregnancy related appointments. I had started to hope that his silence on the subject meant that he was coming round to the idea and sort of kept a bit quiet. What a stupid stupid bitch I am. This morning I mention, in passing, that I am going to be under consultant led care, given my age and past history of anxiety and depression and he acted all surprised and said but we haven't really resolved all this yet. I was speechless really. I told him that whilst I had misgivings like him (small house but looking to buy bigger very soon, my history of depression, and how it will affect other children etc) I was certain I wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy. He says I've buried my head in the sand, which I suppose I have, but I told him in our first conversation that I was NOT willing to terminate and my position hasn't changed.
He is now saying we need to sit down and have long conversation about it and that I need to 'persuade' him that having this baby is a good thing. He didn't actually say we would split up if I refused to terminate but did say something like 'I don't want to split up but......'.I feel so pathetic and stupid that I could have let this happen. I did know that he wasn,t that keen on another baby but went ahead anyway. I really, really don't want to terminate this pregnancy but thinking maybe I should for the sake of everyone else? I don't know what to do, I wish I had heeded him at the time instead of thoughtlessly and selfishly ploughing on and thinking 'ah it will be all right probably won't get pregnant anyway'.
Just to let you know we have never had problems before, yes we fight like any other couple but he is a loving and generous partner and father to me and the children. So sorry for the long windedness of it, I hope it makes sense. I am happy to answer any questions and I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advise. Thank you all