Am pregnant. Dp really does not want this baby. I do. Please help me.

[allyjay]

Hi Everyone

Feeling a bit desperate this morning. I have lots of friends and family in RL but don't feel I can confide in any of them. Feel so lonely and sad. This is the story: Dp and I have been together for just over 8 years. I have a DC (who is 16) from a previous marriage and we have two DC together (5 and 3 nearly 4 respectively). Several months ago I came off the pil, I had been on it since the birth of my youngest and was fed up of taking (well forgetting to take) it. Dp knew this and we agreed to use condoms instead. Anyway, fast forward a few months we'd both had a few drinks (well many) and we ended up having sex and not using a condom, more than once I'm afraid to say. We didn't really discuss the prospect of pregnancy, except to agree that it was unlikely, after only two times and given my age (40) that I would concieve. How very very stupid we were. He did also say at the time 'I don't really want another baby' but went ahead and had sex we with me without protection anyway.

I am pregnant, obviously, and I really thought when I told him several weeks ago that he would huff and puff a little bit, but then get used to the idea and be happy. It has not been like that at all. He made it clear that he doesn't want another child and that can't see how it would be a good thing for us and our family at all. I on the other hand, whilst feeling a little bit apprehensive for the same reasons as him, would really like to have this baby. The conversation ended up with a stalemate and me in tears. Basically he wants me to have a termination. This was three weeks ago. Life has carried on. I had a midwife booking in appt.which he even took me to and various letters through the post about pregnancy related appointments. I had started to hope that his silence on the subject meant that he was coming round to the idea and sort of kept a bit quiet. What a stupid stupid bitch I am. This morning I mention, in passing, that I am going to be under consultant led care, given my age and past history of anxiety and depression and he acted all surprised and said but we haven't really resolved all this yet. I was speechless really. I told him that whilst I had misgivings like him (small house but looking to buy bigger very soon, my history of depression, and how it will affect other children etc) I was certain I wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy. He says I've buried my head in the sand, which I suppose I have, but I told him in our first conversation that I was NOT willing to terminate and my position hasn't changed.

He is now saying we need to sit down and have long conversation about it and that I need to 'persuade' him that having this baby is a good thing. He didn't actually say we would split up if I refused to terminate but did say something like 'I don't want to split up but......'.I feel so pathetic and stupid that I could have let this happen. I did know that he wasn,t that keen on another baby but went ahead anyway. I really, really don't want to terminate this pregnancy but thinking maybe I should for the sake of everyone else? I don't know what to do, I wish I had heeded him at the time instead of thoughtlessly and selfishly ploughing on and thinking 'ah it will be all right probably won't get pregnant anyway'.

Just to let you know we have never had problems before, yes we fight like any other couple but he is a loving and generous partner and father to me and the children. So sorry for the long windedness of it, I hope it makes sense. I am happy to answer any questions and I would very much appreciate any thoughts or advise. Thank you all

I don't get the logic leap here:

He is worried about your mental health if you have this baby.

So, if you decide to have the baby, he suggests that he might leave you.
Potentially in a bad menal state.
To cope alone.
With a newborn.
And your other children.

Not the actions of someone genuinely concerned for you, or your mental health.

*mental state, not menal state.

Thank you Latte it really was rough and I think he worries that he'll have another weepy, anxious and easily irritated woman on his hands again.

Yes Lweji I didn't force him and I did tell him I would not mind another myself, to which he did not respond. I guess that is why I was so shocked when he brought up the idea of a termination. I stupidly assumed he didn't mind so much after all. I will never assume again!!

Thanks everyone for all the replies, I am reading them all and taking the advise (or is it advice, why do I not know?) On board. It is much appreciated.

That because he doesn't actually care about the ops mental wellness he just cares about how it might affect him.

That's it. It's disingenuous of him to dress this up as concern for the OP.

It is reasonable for him to discuss his concerns though - but it's a good response from you, OP, that an unwanted termination will have a larger impact on your mental health than PND.

ally - it's All About Him isn't it. He's not worried about your mental state (clearly) he's worried about the 'hassle' of it.

As for 'assuming' we all do it, otherwise humans would never shut up! It was up to him to prevent the pregnancy if he felt that strongly - irrespective of your view on it.

How has he been today or is he off playing golf?

In this case it is advice. I can advise to you take the advice :)

Advice - noun
Advise - verb (to give advice)

I'd also assume taking you to the midwife and then not talking to you further after that appointment was "acceptance" so I can see why you did!!

Ahh yes advice of course.

To be fair to him I don't know exactly what points he wishes me to 'persuade' him of. Some of this is supposition on my part. I think my mental health will come up as will the welfare of the dc's, but other than that not too sure. Financial concerns? We are not rich but neither are we struggling. He did say something earlier about him not being able to see this as anything other than us heading for a complete train wreck. I said 'what do you mean by that' but he wouldn't elaborate. DC were next door, so we agreed to discuss further. I also said in a bit of a huff 'if you're worrying about it affecting you and your nice life, then you don't need to worry as you're not here more than half the time'. He just looked at me. He goes away tomorrow for several days, so I am anxious to have this talk asap.

He's all right today. No not playing golf, he's downstairs hanging out the washing. We did take the two younger dc's to the park earlier on their bikes and that was a disaster. Eldest promptly fell off and started bawling, youngest couldn't do his pedals properly, so had a tantrum and started bawling (felt like bawling myself too at this point). I could almost feel him looking at me saying 'see how could we cope with more?' I came home for a cry and he took the dc's shopping. All quiet now, but suspect dp is not in the best of moods.

It doesn't matter one jot what 'points' they are, it is not your responsibility to 'persuade' him about anything. Not a single thing.

His attitude is appalling. Before you can discuss anything he needs to accept that his decision whether to have another child or not was made the moment he had sex with you. Protected or not. Even if you had been on the pill and used condoms, once he has sex he has no futher control over whether this ends up in a pregnancy or not because that happens inside YOUR body. The fact that he had unprotected sex... well, he's upped the chances of that happening and has to take responsibility for that. Until then, there's no discussion to be had.

Yes there are things you need to discuss re your mental health, finances etc - but in a ' Now we are having another baby how are we going to deal with x' not 'Convince me we can do x then I will consider not pushing you to terminate'.

It is only going to be a 'train wreck' if he keeps threatening to leave if you don't have a termination and doesn't apologise for thinking it, let alone saying it.

Love, you are really going to have to get this straight in YOUR mind too. You need to accept that this ISN'T your doing, you didn't lie to him about contraception. You both took the risk, you are happy with the outcome, he isn't - that is HIS problem, you can't let him stop you enjoying this pregnancy and this baby. He needs to man up and stop blaming you and you have to stop shouldering the blame.

Oh and your tmi bit, it's a 'discussion' (if you can call it that!) a lot of us will have had at some time (I know I have!). If you take the 'oh this is too good to stop' route then you take the consequences if it happens.

Why would you want the father of your child to be someone who doesn't want a child. Have the termination and leave him. He is an arse for putting you under this pressure. Go and find someone nice to make babies with.

Well done for reading the thread properly

Ok hands up I didn't. But he doesn't seem like a very nice person though regardless. He has broken all the rules here.

As everyone has said, it is your body and your right to keep the baby and yes, he should have used condoms.

But if he really doesn't want another baby - he may not change his mind. He may go along with it but it may end your relationship as people do regret having babies not that many people admit it.

Good luck with the talk - and I hope he does come round to the idea.

If you want this baby, please don't terminate (I was bullied into one when I was 11 weeks, 13 years on and I still haven't forgiven myself). He will just have to deal with it with you or without you. You could terminate and he could leave you anyway. This is your decision and yours alone. If you want it, the decisions made.

Gosh ally, I feel for you. What a difficult situation.

As PP have said, this is your decision and you shouldn't do anything you're not 100% comfortable with. That said, I also think that your DH's concerns are very real (in the sense that he is feeling them and it's quite difficult to talk someone, or indeed yourself, out of feeling something, not necessarily in the sense that they are valid). When you talk, I wonder whether it might help to almost take the whole 'what should we do about this?' issue off the table until you've really discussed 'how do we feel about this?' as a separate question, if you can do that.

His concerns probably have an underlying emotional component - maybe he feels he didn't do a very good job of supporting you after the last baby, or is worried that it will have a negative impact on him if you do suffer from post-natal depression again? Of course we can (and maybe would) say he shouldn't feel that way, but if he does it is better that you are able to talk about it than that he feels the need to hide it. And maybe he has some positive emotions about the pregnancy that he feels he can't express while also pushing for an abortion. I also wondered whether you felt any concerns or fears about another baby, which of course could definitely sit alongside a decision that you don't want to terminate. Being able to talk about these might help you both as well.

Only you will know if this approach is likely to work for the two of you, but as someone who has struggled to communicate well with my partner I've learned that trying to explore your own and each others' feelings can really help when you're faced with a difficult decision - and this has to be up there with the most difficult decisions you could face.

Good luck.

Sorry DaughterDilemma, that was rude of me.

That conversation during sex seems very 'I want to have my cake and eat it' to me, I'm afraid. If he'd really been that aghast at the thought it might lead to a baby, he'd have pulled out and said 'this is great but we have to stop'. If he'd been totally in the moment, he wouldn't have said anything. But instead he said something that equates to 'I don't want to stop, but I do want you to know I'll be expecting you to sort this out if it all goes wrong'. And I'd be quite angry with him about that.

Thinking about similar threads I have read on here before, the feeling has been that there is a risk of you splitting if you terminate and also if you don't. On that basis, I would keep the baby, as that's what you want, and then tell him he will have to decide what he wants but that decision's on him. You've made yours. He can't expect you to smooth it all over for him any longer; you've got enough to deal with yourself.

We've had a talk. I am exhausted. So is he. There was no mention of a termination. He said his worries are as follows: 1. Me, 2. Impact on other dc, 3. Him. He did admit a large part of his concern is for for himself. We did not discuss the why's and wherefores of how and why it happened as we both know we are equally to blame, and he would not dare blame it on me. He agrees that I have largely been able to relieve his fears regarding myself and the impact on the other children, but the real sticking point, as I thought it would be, is how he thinks it will impact on him.

He says that whatever way he looks at it he cannot see this as a positive thing. Why would we, when just coming out of the difficult baby and young toddler years with the other two, want to put ourselves back to square one with another one? Just when the others are becoming easier and we are getting to the point of being able to do nice things with them make everything more difficult? The burden will fall on me because he works long hours. He cannot do anymore than he is already doing. He is worried about the extra burden tipping him over the edge. He works long hours and when home does as much around the house and with the children as I do. He thinks he has nothing more to give. He thinks that if I think that life won't get harder then I am being naive in the extreme. I think that life will probably get harder but that he is being negative in the extreme. I pointed out that the past five years of child rearing have been very difficult at times, wonderful at others and mundane fairly often. I think he is making out it has all been terrible, and feel quite sad about this. He says that at the moment he just can't see a way to being positive about this pregnancy but has admitted that may change. I now worry that if I carry blythely on with it all, then when the going gets tough, as it surely will at some point, it will all be used as a 'see I told you it would not work, I knew you couldn't cope etc' stick to beat with me. I also worry that the whole 'I don't know if I can cope, it might all tip me over the edge etc' is him using an unsaid threat to blackmail me. Beware, if you have this baby I might leave you. He says it absolutely isn't. He told me before he left the room (we had the conversation in our bedroom for fear of being overheard) that he loves me. Don't really know if we are any further forward but glad termination was not mentioned.

That's about all I can remember for now, brain is turning to mush. Night everyone and thanks for being supportive and baring with me..

You poor poor thing. His points are very valid. As are yours. I wish you all the very best. and

Its a difficult situation, but I do know that if you do this against your will you will regret it for a long time, maybe even the rest of your life. (Sadly I've been there.)

Sorry me again. The problem is what if he's right? What if it makes life terrible for all of us? Why would I deliberately wish to make everything more difficult? Willingly? Knowingly? Life can be quite hard, I know let's make it harder still. I'm so confused.

Thank you Frog.

OP, but having a termination if you don't want it is likely to make life terrible for you, and impact your family.

Hello, not sure I can add much more to this. He sounds very selfish, as ultimately, you have to carry the baby, give birth, ultimately risk your physical and mental health, but it all about him not having any more to give.

The alternative, a termination, because he's not sure he has anymore to give. Even if he hasn't mentioned a termination, why say all that? So he has a get out of jail card when it all gets like hard work and he can turn round and say 'I told you i had no more to give and you went ahead anyway'. What an utter shit. What on earth does he expect you to do with that information?

Don't wholly factor him in anymore, as he is provisionally factoring himself out.

I hope he wakes up tomorrow and sees how unfairly he has behaved.