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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H headbutted ds......advice please

571 replies

thelineiswhere · 09/09/2014 16:55

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

OP posts:
BigglesFliesUndone · 09/09/2014 21:17

I rarely come on threads like this as also have experienced bullying and physical abuse from an ex-p and know it is very hard to get away sometimes but this has made me so sad. He would never have dared touch our daughter as that would have been the end, sod the house, the job, the 'what. will people say' are you really that. concerned that you will let your children grownup in pain and fear rather than give them the life. they deserve? so sad.

finallydelurking · 09/09/2014 21:21

Sadly I don't think this is a troll thread, I wish it was. I think the problem of 'professionals' putting their lifestyle above their children's physical and emotional well-being is far more common than people realise. I hope the children and the op (in that order) get the help and support they so clearly need.

RJnomore · 09/09/2014 21:21

I hope the poor boy tells a teacher or someone else who will protect him.

MrsBungle · 09/09/2014 21:23

I really hope this thread has given you some perspective op. You can't wait before you get your kids and yourself away from this awful man.

kelda · 09/09/2014 21:24

Very upsetting thread to read. I feel so sad and scared for that poor little boy - not only is he bullied at school but attacked at home by the very person who should be looking after him. And a mother who fails to see the seriousness of this assault. I just hope that he does tell someone who will help him and he and his sibling will eventually have a home where they feel safeSad

crispandfruity · 09/09/2014 21:25

I think that the OP has been conditioned for many years, hence the lack of insight.

I really hope she does leave, and soon.

Has he been abusive to you OP? Controlling finances / friendships? High expectations of housework? Physical boundaries?
Headbutting a 12 year old and minimising the situation is not desirable in any type of profession. You need to disclose this to someone.

QuintessentiallyQS · 09/09/2014 21:25

Your poor son. Bullied in school, and bullied at home.

I sincerely hope he does not run away. Or worse. Hopefully he will tell a teacher or friend what his life is like.

GColdtimer · 09/09/2014 21:26

You have to ask? Really?

I am not sure what normality must be for you if you are wondering whether head butting a child crosses a line. I feel very sorry for your children.

You really need to call the police.

QuintessentiallyQS · 09/09/2014 21:27

"I'm going to be a single parent soon"

Sorry to be harsh, but you risk not being a parent at all soon unless you seek help for your children.

ScrambledSmegs · 09/09/2014 21:27

If/when you divorce, how much unsupervised access do you think will be awarded if you keep quiet about the abuse?

As you probably are aware, the norm seems to be every other weekend, and sometimes overnights during the week.

Do you think your children will be safe alone with him, OP? I don't. Admittedly I don't even know you, but the fact is that I can tell he has gone so far over the line that it's a speck in the distance - and you can't.

theDudesmummy · 09/09/2014 21:30

I still think that the OP has had her grasp of reality twisted by an abuser/living in a parallel reality situation, and therefore deserves support and advice rather than censure.

PacificDogwood · 09/09/2014 21:33

theDudesmummy Thanks
Yes.

YakInAMac · 09/09/2014 21:37

OP, I think you need to plan very carefully and get him out of your lives as soon as possible, and make yourselves safe.

Headbutting is an especially brutal, ugly kind of violence and just not normal, in any respect. I have never ever heard of a parent head butting their 12 year old child before.

I suggest you follow PacificDogwoods advice in her post of 20.28:

"Use the next 2 weeks when your H is not at home to plan you exit strategy and be gone when he comes back (or change the locks and have back up with you on his return to tell him he is no longer welcome).

See a lawyer, a good family law person.
Get your and your kids' passports/birth certificates etc
Get copies of bank statements/other financial stuff."

In your shoes I would talk to Women's Aid or the Police Domestic violence Unit because he clearly resorts to extreme physical violence, and I am concerned by the nature of the veiled threat to you: "He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence."

Women in the process of leaving violent men are often very much at risk.

But leave you must (and you have said you will: all good) , and I hope you can get the support you need to look after yourself and your children.

Do you have anyone in RL who can help and support you?

HavanaSlife · 09/09/2014 21:39

Bloody hell your last post comes across like you reallu don't give a shit.

While your h is away phone a solicitor, womens aid, ss and get your dc the fuck away from him.

If he was my h id have torn his face off with my bare hands and I know all too well what its like to be in a controlling relationship and to question my own judgement

dadwood · 09/09/2014 21:40

Hi OP

If a 12 year old boy is headbutted at home by his father even just once, where he is supposed to feel safe, and no serious action is taken, he is quite likely to grow up to be a terrible abuser himself and you might have allowed a cycle to continue in the future.

The boy needs to know this isn't normal! That, in addition to the child's safety is why it isn't acceptable to let it slide without reporting it.

scarletforya · 09/09/2014 21:41

What are you talking about?

Are you reporting your son's assault to the police?

LayMeDown · 09/09/2014 21:44

OP I am worried that you seem quite disconnected from your children.
For some time it seems you have been standing back and allowing your H behave in an unacceptable fashion with them.
Getting drunk and antagonistic
Getting in their face and winding them up
Pushing the kids until they snap
'Horseplay' that hurts them

You say you walk away while he is behaving like this? Do you just leave your kids to deal with it alone?
You seem to put great emphasis on the fact that you explain to your kids it is unacceptable how your H treats them. Like this is some sort of get out clause. It is not, you must show them in your actions not just your words.
His behaviour was already dreadful, he has now escalated. You must act. Allowing your children to remain is not an option.

PacificDogwood · 09/09/2014 21:45

"If a 12 year old boy is headbutted at home by his father even just once, where he is supposed to feel safe, and no serious action is taken, he is quite likely to grow up to be a terrible abuser himself and you might have allowed a cycle to continue in the future."

That is not entirely accurate, dadwood - many an abuser was also abused in their childhood, but most abused children do not grow up to become abusers themselves.

Corabell · 09/09/2014 21:45

I really hope your son discloses this incident to a trusted teacher who will - quite correctly - follow child protection procedures.

Hope SS don't wreck your promotion.

MrsDeVere · 09/09/2014 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dadwood · 09/09/2014 21:48

Sorry PacificDogwood It is possible that I am out of my depth commenting on this post. I hope for the best outcome for the children.

PacificDogwood · 09/09/2014 21:50

Smile No harm in pointing out that what Op's DS is going through is hugely damaging, dadwood.

And yes, OP, you do have options, more than many. Take action.

ScrambledSmegs · 09/09/2014 21:51

She's been subjected this behaviour slowly over years, of course her judgement will be off. It's not that she doesn't give a shit - her head has been scrambled so that she doesn't know how to, or whether she should. Hence asking a bunch of people on the internet whether this was crossing a line.

I don't think sticking the boot in is fair, but I also think she needs to accept the reality - that this is abuse, her children are being traumatised by it, she needs to protect them now, and she needs help to re-orientate her sense of what is normal in the future.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 21:52

OP, if you are still around, has your H ever physically harmed you ?

crispandfruity · 09/09/2014 21:54

If OP does not disclose this though and leaves her partner he will have unsupervised access to their DC's.
Also, if he works in a profession where a DBS is required, then his behaviour needs to be brought to light.

Food for thought for the OP if she still hasn't got to the 'HE HEADBUTTED A CHILD' point