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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H headbutted ds......advice please

571 replies

thelineiswhere · 09/09/2014 16:55

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

OP posts:
CurtWild · 09/09/2014 20:39

Perhaps OP's DS will tell a teacher, in which case SS will be involved whether she likes it or not, and they won't be impressed that she's done nothing to protect her DC. The poor kid obviously needs someone to look out for him - bullied at school and bullied at home

StrawberryMojito · 09/09/2014 20:39

Yes the police would involve ss, and rightly so. However ss would be supportive of you as long as you were showing that you were taking steps to protect your children eg reporting to police, ending the relationship etc.

However, it is quite possible that one of your children will quite understandably want to confide in a friend or teacher or other relative etc about their dad's behaviour and ss will become involved anyway. They will not be supportive of you if you have not shown any willingness to protect your dc from your husband.

wrapsuperstar · 09/09/2014 20:39

Have you read people's replies, OP?

The mind boggles. Physical harm is not the only potential risk from remaining in this wretched situation. For god's sake. Are you really so conditioned to this abusive, hellish life that you are seriously putting 'earning potential and career' over your kids' physical and emotional wellbeing? Because they won't thank you for that. Not one bit.

If this isn't one massive, cruel wind-up (one that has brought up some terribly unhappy memories for some of us) then I actually don't think you need soft-soaping. You need to wake up.

WanderingTrolley1 · 09/09/2014 20:41

OP, your attitude stinks.

I feel sorry for your children.

FriendlyLadybird · 09/09/2014 20:42

Good God. He needs to be out on his ear. Now.

emotionsecho · 09/09/2014 20:42

So money and earning potential are more important than your children's physical and mental well being and safety, I am sure your children will be delighted to hear they mean less to you than money.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 20:43

no, not you personally, PD

my post just happened to follow yours, I think

I massively get it that some women would feel trapped and see no way in a scenario like this

not this woman

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 20:43

way out

ihatethecold · 09/09/2014 20:43

I do wonder if this is real after reading the ops update.

This is a very depressing thread if not. Very worrying.

Itsfab · 09/09/2014 20:44

When your child finds out you put career and money before his safety be prepared for him to hate you forever SadAngry.

FlossyMoo · 09/09/2014 20:44

I think MNHQ should remove this thread as it is not going to do any good as the OP has decided her priorities are monetary and it is only causing upset and distress at the thought of these poor children being subjected to abuse.

MildDrPepperAddiction · 09/09/2014 20:45

You say you always make sure the DCs know your h's actions are unacceptable. Do you make sure HE KNOWS?!?

Your priorities are skewed and you need to sort that out or you will lose your children.

I hope your DS is ok.

SlicedAndDiced · 09/09/2014 20:45

This reply has been deleted

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SchroSawMargeryDaw · 09/09/2014 20:45

You actually care more about earning potential than your kids safety?

That is beyond sad, those kids deserve better than this.

I'm sorry but an enabler (and by not making sure this man has a record, that is definitely enabling, if you divorce how will visits go? the court would allow him to have them stay with him at times if there is no problems) is no better than an abuser, in fact it's far worse in some ways.

Tiredemma · 09/09/2014 20:45

Your DS is being bullied at school and at home?

I'm not often speechless.

How depressing.

FinnsMum19 · 09/09/2014 20:45

Your poor children. Your priorities are fucked up OP. If anyone, DH or otherwise, ever hurt my child I couldn't be held responsible for my actions. It is my job to protect him and keep him safe whatever the consequences, and so help me god I will do so until the day I die. Your husband is a violent, drunken bully and you are doing nothing to get your children the hell away from him. I cannot tell you how disgusted I am.

Singingbird · 09/09/2014 20:47

OP, if you were my relative or neighbour and I saw or heard this, I would be phoning the police, no matter what you thought.

I've never read anything as bad as this.

MarshaBrady · 09/09/2014 20:48

This reply has been deleted

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outer · 09/09/2014 20:48

Look, abusing the OP achieves nothing.

It's not going to make any difference to her decision whether or not to leave her marriage, and if it's a troll is pointlessly playing into his/her hands.

No need.

birdsnotbees · 09/09/2014 20:49

OP, I don't understand why you aren't angry. A man, a fully grown man, assaulted your son. You don't sound ground down by abuse. You just sound... cold. What does it say to your son that your first interest seems to be financial?

If it was me, and my mum stood by and essentially watched while I was physically attacked by a grown adult, I would hate her.

If it was my son, and my husband attacked him, I would hate him. And he and the rest of the world would know it - particularly my son.

I just don't understand why you have posted on here, I am struggling to believe you are real and I am also struggling to see what kind of actual support you are after.

bloodyteenagers · 09/09/2014 20:49

Oh wow. Nice to know the children are way down the bottom of priorities, and that money has more meaning than them.

You do realise that children talk?
They talk to their friends. If he hasn't yet, he will tell a friend. A lot of youngsters/teens are empowered enough to report abuse.

It is better in the long run that the report comes from you. It will be a whole lot worse coming from someone else.

You should have contacted the police straight away, not used it as a meaningless threat.

Act now. Protect those children. They deserve to be protected. They deserve not to be wound up so much by their father. They deserve to not be around an abusive drunk.

RalphGnu · 09/09/2014 20:49

If you don't report it and your husband applies for contact with the children he would get it. Report the violence and it would be a hell of a lot less straightforward for him to get unsupervised contact. Do you really want to be worrying yourself sick every other weekend wondering if your ex is drunk in charge of them, winding them up, hurting them?

Can I take it that you're worried that if he's charged he could lose his job, meaning less maintenance, help with expenses etc? Screw it, you'll cope. Ask the battered homeless women in the refuges if it's worth it. Peace of mind and knowing you've done all you possibly can to protect your children will be worth a downturn in your financial situation...won't it?

Cinnamon73 · 09/09/2014 20:49

So your son is bullied at school and bullied and physically abused by his dad. And you are worried about your h's career.

Your poor son.

LEMmingaround · 09/09/2014 20:50

The line was crossed long ago. He always winds the kids up when hes been drinking was the point when my ltb radar sparked. Then he headbutted your child. I cannot believe you haven't called the police i really can't

Guitargirl · 09/09/2014 20:51

If this is a real thread then you are both a fucking disgrace as parents.

Professional types? Jesus wept.