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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

H headbutted ds......advice please

571 replies

thelineiswhere · 09/09/2014 16:55

H (definitely not 'd'h) had been drinking bottled beers at home on Sunday afternoon.

He then decided to go to the supermarket as he often does on a Sunday afternoon to buy more bottled beers and some food items for his own personal consumption. (Money is not the issue here, so the shopping thing is a red herring but bear with me).

He was gone for several hours and I suspect he went to the pub for a couple of hours as when he came back he smelt of beer.

I was giving the kids some tea at this point and he dumped his shopping in the kitchen and hung round the table in the dining area adjacent to the kitchen winding the kids up ended up annoying ds in some way and ds told him to go away. H can be very annoying under the influence as he pushes the kids until they snap, I usually walk away but the kids were at the table eating. Anyway he wouldn't go away and was leaning in to them invading their personal space so to speak and ds pushed him away but it was like a hit on h's chest rather than a push and with that h had him pinned up against the wall with a chair and said "d you know what I do to people that hit me..... I headbutt them" and proceeded to bash his head against ds's which bashed back against the wall. Younger child was yelling at h to get off ds and leave him alone.

Ds was shocked and we all kind of yelled at h to stop. He started to tell me it was my fault and if I didn't start to... but never finished his sentence.

I reassured the kids later that h was very wrong to do this and checked ds wasn't injured.

h didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the evening as kids went to bed after a bath/shower.

Has he crossed a line here ? Things have been bad between us, he barely speaks to me at all but I assumed he'd snap out of it eventually like he always does.

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 10/09/2014 00:13

Please tell me this IS a wind up, anything else doesn't bear thinking about.

The first post made me feel sick, I'd have called 999 straight away.

... and it gets worse, I can't believe the OP gives more a damn about money than her kids. It's awful.

ihatethecold · 10/09/2014 06:16

Do MNHQ do anything with these threads.
If it's true then they have proof of child abuse.
Can they follow anything up. Do they have any duty of care?

Ohwhatfuckeryisthis · 10/09/2014 06:42

I was just thinking that cold (fresh from cp training, so it's sticking in my brain). If this is true, she has let him bobby off on his work thing for two weeks without repercussions? Sunday bloody night was when he should have been sobering up in a cell. Hope her poor kid tells someone at school that will protect him. (Or mnhq can act on this information)

FrontForward · 10/09/2014 07:02

My knee jerk reaction is along the lines of others to yell 'what are you thinking!!!' I've read both posts again and don't think this is trolling. Trolls would try much harder to make it believable.

I can imagine this woman has lived in an escalating world of alcoholism and dysfunction hoping to fix it. How many threads do we see from women who won't take that step into freedom because it seems too risky...and stay in a situation which is far riskier but offers them things they believe be security. I think when you're completely stressed from living in such a hellish situation you do lose sight of 'normal'

OP does know this has crossed a line. She just isn't ready to act for whatever reasons we don't understand.

I can imagine you are gathering your 'security' around you and preparing thinking you can hold it all together until you've made your escape. I really understand that OP. However...understand that sometimes you prevaricate and delay that escape beyond what any child should accept. Your children have suffered before this latest act of violence. Don't kid yourself because he's never done this before or you don't anticipate it again (maybe) that your children are not being harmed. They are and are probably living on their nerves. That sort if damage takes time to undo. Minimise it but bringing forward your plans.

Involving Ss might seem catastrophic to you but not involving them and keeping this a secret is dangerous. He will erupt when you leave. All contact with his children will be used as a weapon against you and anything you say about it will be perceived as post divorce bitterness. People will not believe you after the event. They will protect you if you report it now

Sunna · 10/09/2014 07:03

I hope the boy tells a teacher and the police will be called. That poor boy.

YakInAMac · 10/09/2014 07:16

OP , you allude to a complicated situation and reasons why you are staying put for now. If you have issues over money, debt. Immigration status or other factors you may be feeling trapped and not be able to see an escape route. Talk to a solicitor ASAP.

You have a week and a half's space to make your plan. How can we help?

EarthWindFire · 10/09/2014 07:18

Her children won't 'be taken off her'

Yes they could be if this comes out, happens again and the OP did nothing to stop it or report it. It could be seen as neglect.

The OP is coming across intentially or not as the money and lifestyle being more important than her children. One has been assaulted quite dramatically which she saw and doesn't know whether to do anything about it because of her lifestyle and convenience.

As harsh as that may be it can't continue.

If school get wind of this SS wil be involved and then she will have to answer questions about why she hasn't done anything about it. I somehow don't think that 'her reasons for staying at present' would cut it really.

handfulofcottonbuds · 10/09/2014 07:26

Earth - you have taken my words out of context, I did say after if she does nothing about it, it would be a different story (or words to that effect)

Since the last update, my thoughts have changed and I have no words for what the reason for not reporting is. I have no words for the reasons given by OP.

MTWTFSS · 10/09/2014 07:27

I pray thelineiswhere reads this thread and wakes up!

Please, please use the next 2 weeks to get your act together and arrange an exit plan so when DH gets back you won't be there!

KinkyDorito · 10/09/2014 07:28

Do MNHQ do anything with these threads.
If it's true then they have proof of child abuse.
Can they follow anything up. Do they have any duty of care?

I have been thinking exactly the same thing. If we found this out in education and didn't report it, we would be in serious bother.

PacificDogwood · 10/09/2014 07:31

A post on an internet forum is not 'proof' of anything.
MNHQ are obviously aware of this thread and I am sure are doing what checks they can - which are very limited.
Can anybody remember what details you have to give to register here? Just an e-mail address? And I don't know how easy it is to identify the location of an IP address.

Either way, we know nothing about the OP and her situation, only what she has written.

KinkyDorito · 10/09/2014 07:32

ihate I have asked the question on site stuff.

KinkyDorito · 10/09/2014 07:33

Allegations are never proof, but they still need to be investigated.

That's why I'm asking, Pacific.

Ledkr · 10/09/2014 07:35

The op is probably ky one of the people who sits around head shaking when all the high profile child abuse cases are in the media, whilst failing to recognise her own situation is in the same category.
She is an accessory for failing to protect her child.

PacificDogwood · 10/09/2014 07:36

Yes, allegations need to be investigated in all sorts of contexts, but an internet forum does not have a duty of care AFAIK.

FrontForward · 10/09/2014 07:36

For all those posters hoping MNhQ intervene and report the OP and the others threatening that SS will remove the children...I think a distinction needs making absolutely clear. If you are a victim and you act to protect your children, including asking for help here, you need not be frightened of SS.

If you don't take any action to protect your children from violence you could be seen as neglectful.

I'm really concerned that women suffering abuse already have many many barriers to reporting. Using a stick to beat them with will drive them to more secrecy not less

Anniegetyourgun · 10/09/2014 07:36

No. I think she truly believes the money and lifestyle are important for her children and is worried about taking it from them and possibly leaving them in poverty. This appears not so much a case of self-interest but of horribly skewed priorities, with a good heart but a confused head behind it. As we should know by now, apparently strong, intelligent women can be totally wrong-footed and make completely the wrong call, even when they work with it every day and would spot it like a shot if it was happening to a client or a friend. It's different when you're in the middle of it. I don't know whether all this shouting is helping to clear or confuse her thoughts but I hope the unanimity of the horror everyone's expressing will get through in a positive way.

LiberalLibertines · 10/09/2014 07:37

This is heart breaking.

Your ds is being bullied and abused at school, and bullied and abused at home.

You are doing nothing to protect him, instead you're wringing your hands over what could happen to your lifestyle.

Do any other family members know about this? I so want your poor son to have someone in his corner.

Come on Op, He needs you.

PacificDogwood · 10/09/2014 07:37

Hear, hear, FrontForward Thanks

Sister77 · 10/09/2014 07:41

I've never considered the kids physically at risk before although h is always rough in his horseplay with them which can end in tears and I make the kids aware that h's behaviour is not acceptable when he's being an arse about something and exactly why.

Horseplay that ends in tears is not horseplay IMO especially if this is happening regularly.
This thread has really upset me. Those poor kids must be living on a knife edge.
Op it's very hard being the victim of DV. Some women tolerate it for years before they get out.
You know it's wrong.
What's worse than beating your wife is beating your defenceless kids and I think it's just as bad standing by.
Your kids (and you) deserve better. Please do something about it.

KinkyDorito · 10/09/2014 07:43

I'm not suggesting anything of the sort, although I recognise others might be, Front.

I am just curious that if a serious allegation of abuse is made on here, is it referred on for investigation? MN can't investigate themselves. Just as, if the child came to school and told me his father had headbutted him, I would be expected to report to a child protection officer who would then refer to external services to investigate.

Investigation does not mean the children are taken away. I think the key thing is stopping anything worse happening and getting the family some support which is only possible through a referral.

EarthWindFire · 10/09/2014 07:44

I agree Front there is a distinction. However in this case the OP knows it's wrong, the DS is being bullied at school and abused at home but still seems to not want to do anything.

Her 'reasons' IMO wouldn't hold water with authorities. He head butted her 12 year old son but she doesn't want to do anything about it 'because it isn't the right time'.

When would be the right time exactly?

Ledkr · 10/09/2014 07:52

Op.
I'm a sw and can assure you that ss would be supportive and helpful if you report this. However if your children speak up you would be likely to loads them at least for a while as you didn't protect them.
A day or two while you mull it over probably won't count against you so act today.
Imagine one day having to find out that your ds has assaulted your grandchild because if you carry in like this it's highly likely he will do.

Itsfab · 10/09/2014 07:54

OP it must be devastating to read all these posts but it is much much worse for your defenceless child.

If you genuinely want help you will get it on MN but if you do nothing one day you might very well lose your child be it through them being fostered or killed by their violent bully of a father.

HilariousInHindsight · 10/09/2014 07:57

Yep as others have said.
Line well and truly crossed.
When are you planning to leave then?