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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Falling out withh Husband's friend

119 replies

MMRR1980 · 08/09/2014 13:17

Hi all,

I've been a visitor for a few years but wanted a some second opinions so decided to finally take the plunge and join!!

I wanted to know whether you think it is wrong to introduce a friend of my husband's (and my friend too, I guess) to one of my friends and say to my friend "he goes on lots of dates with ugly women"?

I did that the other day and he told me off, I meant it as a joke but he said it wasn't appropriate when he has only just met the person 2 minutes earlier.

My husband wasn't there and I don't think he has told him about it, but I wanted to know what you think in case he does tell my husband - am I in the right if it was just a joke or was it not appropriate and should I apologise?

Thanks!!!

OP posts:

BeCool · 08/09/2014 13:45

He was going on a date the next day so I thought I would just tease him a bit about it

Except this wasn't teasing - you were really making fun of him, in a really disparaging way in an introduction to another person. Possibly making fun of the other person too.

You also showed yourself up to be quite the misogynist in front of these people.

Oops.

jeee · 08/09/2014 13:47

Given the fairly unanimous view that you were rude, have you apologised in a suitably grovelly manner to him?

BeCool · 08/09/2014 13:47

you should apologise and fess up to your H too.

PenelopePitstops · 08/09/2014 13:50

You sound like a nob.

That is not a joke or even remotely funny.

Original poster

MMRR1980 · 08/09/2014 13:55

I haven't apologised yet, he's at work.

I just want to clear some things up:
(1) I don't actually think the girls are ugly at all,
(2) The general tone of the conversation up until then was fun and a bit silly, and
(3) I haven't spoken to my friend yet, but she didn't seem to take offence and she seemed to think I wasn't being serious.

OP posts:

jeee · 08/09/2014 13:59

Your friend might not have taken offence - but the guy you were (extremely) rude to did. And he is owed an apology. Okay, don't contact him at work (that would be attention seeking). But tonight apologise to him. And don't try and justify your behaviour by telling him you were only having a laugh/making a jokey comment. Apologise properly and profusely.

BeCool · 08/09/2014 14:00

well he didn't think it was funny - and he knows you and your "fun and silly" ways.

maybe he liked the look of your friend - it came across to me like you could have been being quite rude about her too. perhaps he might have liked to ask her on a date?

irulethisworld · 08/09/2014 14:01

You misjudged and made a mistake.
Apologise and hope they don't hold it against you.

Original poster

MMRR1980 · 08/09/2014 14:12

"maybe he liked the look of your friend - it came across to me like you could have been being quite rude about her too. perhaps he might have liked to ask her on a date?"

Well that was I said to him when he told me off later - she has a boyfriend but I asked him if he was annoyed because he like her or something but he said that wasn't it and it was just that it was someone he had just met,

OP posts:

BeCool · 08/09/2014 14:14

OK - it was just a thought - I didn't know all the info

Original poster

MMRR1980 · 08/09/2014 14:30

That's OK, it was my first thought too when he told me off!

OP posts:

NettleTea · 08/09/2014 14:43

so you have spoken to him later on, he has told you that he is upset, and you have tried to justify it to him and still havent apologised???

I would have thought the least you can do is say that you realise that although you were joking it came across as rude and that you are sorry.

Vivacia · 08/09/2014 14:52

OP seriously, you just need to apologise profusely and explain you horribly mis-judged the situation. No ifs, no buts and no trying to figure out why he's upset. He's upset because your behaviour was upsetting.

I hope this hasn't put you off MN. At least you know that you'll get straight replies! You can always name-change.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/09/2014 14:58

So, this woman he's going on a date what, if it turns into something are you going to say tell her what you said?

No. Because suddenly it won't be funny anymore, if it potentially makes you uncomfortable.

BuggersMuddle · 08/09/2014 15:15

Really odd thing to say OP.

If he thought you were being serious, you were questioning his taste.

If he thought you weren't, you were making an arse out of him in front of a stranger for no apparent reason.

Plus, calling other women ugly... There's enough of that shit in the world without adding to it 'for a laugh'.

Just apologise and move one.

Joysmum · 08/09/2014 15:35

Whatever your intentions you upset someone and they deserve an apology.

It shouldn't take a forum point that out.

wfielder · 08/09/2014 15:48

Could someone explain the joke to me, I'm obviously a bit thick.

(possibly a bit ugly as well)

OldBagWantsNewBag · 08/09/2014 16:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LineRunner · 08/09/2014 16:08

Ugly is as ugly does. That's you, that is.

oldgrandmama · 08/09/2014 16:11

I think that was really horrible. Why on earth did you say it? Not a 'joke' at all - just nasty.

AllThatGlistens · 08/09/2014 16:11

I'm more concerned that you don't seem to see how rude you were, it's an incredibly childish thing to say to anyone

Chislemum · 08/09/2014 16:14

Tell your husband and ask him whether you should apologise. Maybe he wants to check with his mate whether he was offended. I'd apologise and say that you thought it was funny but that it wasn't really and then you should buy him a beer.

Welcome to Mumsnet.

sonjadog · 08/09/2014 16:18

It was very rude. He is upset because you were rude about him and embarassed him in front of someone he doesn't know.

You know him and that what you were saying isn't true, but your friend doesn't, right? So what she knows is he is the guy who dates ugly women. Thanks to you that is the impression she has walked away with of him.

Saying these women are ugly is a horrible thing to say about them, but it is also a derogatory comment to make about him. You didn't make him feel good about himself and reveal good things about him to a person he's just met. You said something that would make him feel weird and bad and ashamed. It wasn't funny in a way that he could join in, it was a comment so that you could laugh at him.

You owe him a big apology.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 08/09/2014 16:37

Wow. Incredibly rude. Not sure how you could even question whether or not that was rude.

Original poster

MMRR1980 · 08/09/2014 16:46

Ok, I'm getting that you all seem to think it was rude....but do you not think that as long as I mean it as a joke and wasn't being serious (and don't really think the women are ugly), didn't intend to hurt him, and as long as my friend also didn't think I was being serious then it is OK?

OP posts:

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