EXH Wants To Reconnect With Children?

[Erika203]

I am looking for some objective advice about my ExH, I posted here last year about the crazy situation and you were all very helpful. Here's the thread for the backstory - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1951305-My-husband-has-left-me-and-doesnt-want-to-see-the-children-anymore

So my EXH hasn't seen the children in about 10 months. Last Friday, my ExMIL was visiting and handed me a letter and told me my ex had written it to me. I didn't want to read it but thought it may relate to DC. I opened the envelope & found 4 pages of him rambling about how what happened was a 'moment of madness' , that he is still in love with me and thinks about me all the time. He said he understood that he did damage to our DC and wants to make it up to all of us. He wrote that he wanted to see the children again that he misses them and that he had a wonderful relationship with them before he left, which is true. He also wrote down his new address & phone number and told me to call him if I wanted to meet up and he would go 'anywhere in the world you want to go'

However, our children haven't even mentioned him since new years eve. Our DD is 6 and our DS is now 8. Whey both have settled lives, great friends, and love their new school. Te moved away since my last post as I felt we needed a fresh start - and they are really great children and I don't want to ruin that. Im still wary that the abandonment will have some sort of impact on them in the future and I can't guarantee that he won't walk out of their lives again, creating even more upset. He probably will since he already did it once.

On the other hand, I don't feel I have the authority to stop him seeing the children, and of course I would prefer them to have contact with their father but I tried so many times to get him to maintain the relationship with DC, even offering to drive them to ExMIL so he could spend time with them without even having to see me, each time he said no I don't want to see them and I gave up in January. My ExMIL says he often asks about us, and always wants her to ask if I am seeing anybody. She respects my privacy and doesn't ask me questions like that thankfully. I did start dating my boyfriend in March, but I haven't told anybody about it and he hasn't met DC as we are taking it slowly. He knows all about my ex and was disgusted when I told him, he is such a sweet guy. But honestly, when I got the letter from my ex it sort of threw me off, I don't want to get back with him and I never would, but he was my first and only serious relationship, we were together 13 years and married for 10 and our relationship, apart from the obvious was perfect. I doubt that I will ever love anybody the same way again and I think part of me still does. He also gave me our beautiful DC. I was surprised at how affected I was by the letter. After a period of anger and hate I achieved some indifference towards him which has now been ruined.

Then on Saturday I got a call from my MIL's house, when I answered it was my ExH, which again threw me off because I haven't heard his voice in months. He asked me how I was and could he see me & the children. I told him I needed time to think about it. He cried on the phone telling me the past few months have been horrible and that he just wants to see me again, and then he offered to take the children to school on Monday or meet them with my exPIL - I said 'no this was your choice' & hung up.

What are my options here? We officially divorced 6 months ago - I obviously got full custody and I have signed documentation, emails and texts that clearly show he wanted nothing to do with our DC. But when they get older I don't want them to blame me from keeping him from them, it's a really difficult situation and I have no idea what to do. Im sorry this is rambling a bit but I thought this was all in the past and the letter and phone call & re reading my OP bought me right back to that place I was in 10 months ago. Im not sure how I would feel if I saw him again.

Difficult situation. If I was in your situation obviously I'd allow him to have contact with the children (he would have to organize everything) but would not, especially after reading your last thread, want to encourage him to think he had a chance of re-establishing a relationship with me.

I'm amazed that your children haven't even mentioned him since the New Year - obviously they were very hurt and upset that he left and wasn't around at Christmas, but that's still quite surprising that they've just "let him go" so easily and quickly, if, as you say, they had a great relationships before he went.

Did they really have a great relationship before he went? Is there any relationship there to rebuild?

And, with my cynical head on, I would say that it's possible he actually has very little interest in re-connecting with your children per se - rather, he's using them to reconnect with you.

Perhaps you should ask your DC how they feel about seeing their father, see how that goes, and use their responses to help formulate your plans.

It's also possible that he has somehow heard about the new man you are dating and it's a case of "noone else can have her". Frankly I'd tell him to piss off and die (or equivalent) if it came to him wanting to reconnect with me but that I would not block him from contact with children.

I didn't post here then but I remember your first thread because I was so shocked by it.

You got a letter from him saying it was a moment of madness. It wasn't a moment. It was 10 months - that is 280 days of waking up each day and actively deciding not to see, call, or inquire about his children. And then actively deciding to do something else instead - probably something he enjoyed. Think about that.

I agree a relationship with a father who wants a relationship is a good thing for children. Your children's father shows little evidence of that. At worst he is a callous, unfeeling bastard who left his children without a second glance - until something (perhaps your new relationship?) triggered a reaction. At best the explanation is he is mentally very unwell to leave his children like that.

If I were you I would do nothing for the next while - what is the rush? Don't even bother replying to him until you feel ready. He left his children without contact for almost a year so no rush now. Think about it. Talk to people. Ideally talk to counselors. But no way would I let him back in my children's lives lightly and no way at all would I let him back into my life if I were you.

I can't get my head around a man who can blank his kids for 10 months and then think it is ok to get in touch again and hope things will get back to normal with them.2 Does any normal person think this is ok? I think this is the latest chapter in his drama narrative. I don't think you should buy into it.

No, this is NOT ok at all. Re establishing contact when he's blanked them for 10 months?

What would I do? Mull it over for a few months, gently ask the children how they feel about their dad. If it was that good, how can he walk away for 10 months??
Take it slowly and on your terms, not his. He threw it all away when he left you all.

I think he's heard you may have met someone else and he's stringing you along.

Read your previous thread and I have to say he has a brass neck coming back to you after all that! He wanted you to tell the kids he was dead and to change their names to your own maiden name? And now he wants to re-establish contact?

I would send him packing. If he wants to pursue contact with the DC then tell him to go through the usual legal channels and then provide the written evidence you have of him disowning his DC by email to the child contact mediators / solicitors. I'm sure some day your DC may want contact with their father and for their sakes you shouldn't stand in the way of that but you should not help him either. You owe him nothing.

And I agree with pp saying that any contact should be formally re-introduced and built up very slowly with only supervised contact for a period. The idea that he can just waltz back into their lives and start taking them to school etc like nothing ever happened is ridiculous! It shows a total lack of remorse for what he did to them and a failure to realize the trauma he caused.

Im so sorry about your situation. I had the same but I was pregnant and had a small child too. My ex vanished for 3 weeks to hole up with a woman, when he did eventually have the children (babe was 6 months old) because I made him, he had them every other weekend, never inbetween. Things happened and he wanted to come back to me but I had moved on, I could never have trusted him again. If you ask me, your ex really wants you back, the children are an added bonus. Please don't let this man get under your skin through your dc's but encourage him to have the children and prey be doesn't do it again when you reject him.

good luck x

What strikes me is that he starts off saying he misses YOU, not the children.

I do agree that it's probably wrong to keep him from your children. But, I think you should make it very clear that you are no longer part of the package. If he sees his children, it should be at your MIL's and you should keep any contact with him to an utter minimum. Spell out to him quite bluntly that you no longer want him, and in fact prefer someone else, but he can see his children on a limited, scheduled basis. If he shows himself to be A) sincerely dedicated to seeing them regularly under these terms and, B) not traumatising the children, then perhaps this can develop into something more involved.

But, I think the odds are good that he will lose interest after a while, particularly if he realises that he won't be able to manipulate/get back with you.

Also, the first visit should be something very brief - perhaps 30 minutes - and not some Day At Disney With Dad thing where he lovebombs and spoils them to try and make them love him, again. A short, quiet visit... and then see how it affects your children.

No. Don't see him again. Don't put your DC through it. Be wary of your Mil. She is not respecting your privacy as she passed you the letter and let him know where you were for that phone call.

My hunch is the MiL is missing her grandchildren terribly? Do they still get to see your DC on a regular basis OP? Assuming you'd never consider taking him back (please don't OP!) , I'd make that pretty clear to her as well.

I agree that this is more likely to be a way to get to you again and not about the children and their relationship with him. Quietly has suggested what I would do if you do agree to reintroduce contact.

But he needs to spell it out to you first - and you will only pass on letters having vetted them - for inappropriate promises.

And I would be very wary of contact the DC would have with your exPIL as it sounds like he could just be there one day to see them

That was not a 'moment' of madness. Over the course of months he told you to tell the children he was dead, to change their surname to your maiden name. He was willing to pay you whatever you wanted to release him from the marriage so he could be free of his family obligation forever.

Well, here you are. He is free of it. And now he doesn't like it you're all supposed to dance to his pitiful little tune again?

The first thing I would do is to tell your MIL you do not want her to act as an intermediary in any way. No more messages blindsiding you. No more calls from her number. He can instruct a solicitor if he wishes to discuss contact with the children.

I am also convinced that this is to do with him knowing you've met someone else, given the way the letter is structured. That's why I think whatever you ultimately decide to do with the children, you ensure all contact goes through a neutral third party.

I wouldn't put it past him, in this new phase of 'I am the greatest dad simply had a minor aberration' to turn up. So in that vein, I would instruct your own solicitor to tell him that contact is not to be attempted until he has a credible plan for how it can be introduced gently and consistently. The welfare of the children is your only concern and that after cruelly shutting them off for nearly a year they are not to know he now wishes to see them unless he can commit to a long term relationship with them. He is not to contact you again and he should be assured there is no possibility of reconciliation.

I think about this a lot. My ex left when DS was small. He just disappeared from home/work/everything and after weeks of police invovement, etc it transpired that he had left as he decided he didn't want to be part of a family and wanted nothing to do with us. That was it, not another word. I've no idea where he is now.
Roll forward and DS is rising 13. He occasionally mentions his Dad but knows the story and understands that I can't change things. But I know he is desperately curious about his Dad and would jump at the chance to see him, whether once or regularly. So what will I do? After more than a decade I haven't reached a conclusion other than I have to put DS first. Of course I will allow contact but it will be on my terms. Very very very slowly, with me present to start with. Lots of short visits (hour or so) so Ex shows he has staying power and really wants to form a relationship before he gets any extended time, etc. What won't happen is a big disney reunion and a happy ever after now that we have found each other. He needs to earn his parental rights back as he gave them up with no consideration of anyone but himself.
And if he breaks DSs heart I will hunt him down and rip his out.

Not sure if this helps your situation but just thought I would share as am in a very similar boat. And for what it is worth I think your xMIL is enabling his behaviour by faciliating unexpected phone calls. I'd call her out on that. You have his details so you need to deal with this in your way and in your time, not be ambushed.

OP, I have read this thread, and the first and last posts of your other thread. What strikes me is that you said in your posts that when he wanted to break up, he wanted to tell you to tell the children that "he is dead" because his new girlfriend wanted him to leave you and your children and start a family with her. This tells me that he doesn't care about his family and is prioritising the new girlfriend ahead of 10 years with you and his children. Now he comes back and says "he misses [the children] and that he had a wonderful relationship with them before he left". So one these statements is a lie - which one is it? Could you trust someone to not leave again, knowing that what he says may not be the truth.

It is also noteworthy the last post of your last thread, you noted that his new relationship with the new GF "wasn't going well". And AnyFucker posted back "I hope you kick him to the curb when he comes back with his tail between his legs". Unfortunately, he is really following the script that is often cited on here, isn't he.

Personally I would allow him to show his commitment to the children by taking on all the responsibility of organising formalised contact with them. I wouldn't bother replying to him at all, let him do all the leg work and see if he is up to the commitment. You will soon find out your answer. Whether you are part and parcel of this commitment is completely up to you.

I agree with Alpaca. I reckon he will just fuck them up more.

I'd probably write back though and say 'who are you - I thought you were dead. That's what the kids now think, anyway. How to explain that?'

Sounds like he has split up or hit a rocky patch with his new controlling girlfriend. You sound like such a calm, lovely person who is totally level headed and fair and I take my hat off to you.
Men like him cause so much pain and damage and think they can just walk in and out of people's lives and are oblivious to the suffering that they cause. The only time they cry is when a situation affects them personally. They have no regards for the pain they cause others.
Step back. Thank god you are now free from this horrible, callous man. You have moved on, don't dare think about going back. You have a lot if feelings to work through, grief, anger, hurt, love, regret. He has opened up a can of worms again. You have to make sure he is serious about his intention to see the children and to be a good father to them. It's his responsibility now to tell them why he walked out on them and deserted them. They will form their own opinion of him.
Continue to be strong. Take things very slowly and never for one moment let him sweet talk you into going back. He will only desert you again and deep down you know that.

Tribpot's advice is very sensible. Somehow yesterday the phrase "pitiful prat" came up between myself and my children (wasn't calling anyone this -just explaining to DS that sometimes excess pity can appear a bit prattish then DS started shouting "Pitiful prat! The name suits your ex to a T. Does he really think you are going to roll over and fawn on him with gratitude thanking him for picking you after all?

Something similar happened to me years ago. After a very nasty divorce, xh had no contact for two years. Months after his mum and I re-established contact - I never meant to fall out with his mum, that was a misunderstanding - he asked to see the kids. I was not for it. I spoke to a solicitor who advised me that if he took it to court, he'd be granted it.

Not being in a financial position to fight it, me and df (as he was at the time) asked the kids whether they wanted to see him. They did. They were overjoyed.

Contact was tentatively arranged, and to give xh his due, he kept to all the arrangements and rebuilt his relationship with the kids. That was 13 years ago. The kids are young adults now, and they have a good relationship with him.

In fact over the last 5 years, he and I have managed to build a friendship. It's been a long, difficult road but eventually it has worked out.

I have often thought about you OP as I was so disturbed by your story.

I think this is a case where professional help is needed. Did your children ever have counselling to help them deal with this total rejection by their father?

I think you need to find a child psychologist who can guide you through this and work out the best way to broach with your children whether they want to see their dad.

This will give you time to work out for yourself if he is genuine but I, like PPs, think he just wants to get back with you as presumably Miss Perky Tits has become boring. He doesn't care about the DC. No father could behave the way he has.

So he sent a letter last week saying 'if you want to contact here arey details'. A week later he calls knowing you won't expect it to be him.

It is all about him and his wants.

Either a relationship didn't work out and he is back tracking as he has nothing better or he has heard about new man and you are suddenly an attractive option to someone else so he thinks you have value again.

I doubt you would be able to stop him seeing them if he went legal so I would do what the others suggest. Start slow, letters, then calls, then Skype. A good 6 months or so to prove he is not going to dissapear again.

Good luck.