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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

EXH Wants To Reconnect With Children?

119 replies

Erika203 · 08/09/2014 01:09

I am looking for some objective advice about my ExH, I posted here last year about the crazy situation and you were all very helpful. Here's the thread for the backstory - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1951305-My-husband-has-left-me-and-doesnt-want-to-see-the-children-anymore

So my EXH hasn't seen the children in about 10 months. Last Friday, my ExMIL was visiting and handed me a letter and told me my ex had written it to me. I didn't want to read it but thought it may relate to DC. I opened the envelope & found 4 pages of him rambling about how what happened was a 'moment of madness' , that he is still in love with me and thinks about me all the time. He said he understood that he did damage to our DC and wants to make it up to all of us. He wrote that he wanted to see the children again that he misses them and that he had a wonderful relationship with them before he left, which is true. He also wrote down his new address & phone number and told me to call him if I wanted to meet up and he would go 'anywhere in the world you want to go' Hmm

However, our children haven't even mentioned him since new years eve. Our DD is 6 and our DS is now 8. Whey both have settled lives, great friends, and love their new school. Te moved away since my last post as I felt we needed a fresh start - and they are really great children and I don't want to ruin that. Im still wary that the abandonment will have some sort of impact on them in the future and I can't guarantee that he won't walk out of their lives again, creating even more upset. He probably will since he already did it once.

On the other hand, I don't feel I have the authority to stop him seeing the children, and of course I would prefer them to have contact with their father but I tried so many times to get him to maintain the relationship with DC, even offering to drive them to ExMIL so he could spend time with them without even having to see me, each time he said no I don't want to see them and I gave up in January. My ExMIL says he often asks about us, and always wants her to ask if I am seeing anybody. She respects my privacy and doesn't ask me questions like that thankfully. I did start dating my boyfriend in March, but I haven't told anybody about it and he hasn't met DC as we are taking it slowly. He knows all about my ex and was disgusted when I told him, he is such a sweet guy. But honestly, when I got the letter from my ex it sort of threw me off, I don't want to get back with him and I never would, but he was my first and only serious relationship, we were together 13 years and married for 10 and our relationship, apart from the obvious was perfect. I doubt that I will ever love anybody the same way again and I think part of me still does. He also gave me our beautiful DC. I was surprised at how affected I was by the letter. After a period of anger and hate I achieved some indifference towards him which has now been ruined.

Then on Saturday I got a call from my MIL's house, when I answered it was my ExH, which again threw me off because I haven't heard his voice in months. He asked me how I was and could he see me & the children. I told him I needed time to think about it. He cried on the phone telling me the past few months have been horrible and that he just wants to see me again, and then he offered to take the children to school on Monday or meet them with my exPIL - I said 'no this was your choice' & hung up.

What are my options here? We officially divorced 6 months ago - I obviously got full custody and I have signed documentation, emails and texts that clearly show he wanted nothing to do with our DC. But when they get older I don't want them to blame me from keeping him from them, it's a really difficult situation and I have no idea what to do. Im sorry this is rambling a bit but I thought this was all in the past and the letter and phone call & re reading my OP bought me right back to that place I was in 10 months ago. Im not sure how I would feel if I saw him again.

OP posts:
dollius · 08/09/2014 20:53

Bloody hell, I thought I'd read it all on here and then something like this comes along.

Police domestic abuse department immediately. Definitely. Tell them everything. Show all texts and emails.

One reply to psycho - new email address to discuss children, yes please do take me to court I think it would be best to have this decided by professionals, any other approach from him is harassment and will be reported to police, find a professional counsellor who can help your DC through this.

Have nothing further to do with MIL and SIL. They do NOT have your DC's best interests at heart.

dollius · 08/09/2014 20:53

Who the actual fuck do these people think they are???

starlight1234 · 08/09/2014 20:54

Also from he point of view if he should take you to court CAFCASS will get involved ..they deal like facts in hard facts...Get these calls logged as evidence.

balia · 08/09/2014 21:02

Agree with the excellent advice so far. Police. Tell them you have already told him clearly that you do not wish for direct contact with him and then show them evidence of the texts and messages. also - I had to find out about this with my ex - the contacts from his family, because they are close enough to know the situation, will be seen as also harassing you even if individually they have only made one call each. They may go and speak to them all, which hopefully will be enough to stop the harassment.

I never say 'let him take you to court' but in this case get legal advice pronto and wait for court letters. You can refuse mediation in these circs and you can insist on 3rd party handovers and supervised access.

FWIW, I think sugar-tits has dumped his sorry arse and now he wants back into his easy life.

Zazzles007 · 08/09/2014 22:52

So in the blink of an eye, he has gone from zero contact to "I still love you and the children and want you back", to manipulation, guilt tripping, gaslighting etc. Wow, OP, you have hit the jackpot! Hmm I have a feeling that you are going to have to garner a great deal of support behind you to deal with this. As other suggested, please start rallying the troops around you and circle the wagons.

This also stands out to me:

"then getting angry saying that its his right to see his children"

This is directly from the Men's Rights Activists handbook. Be careful that he goes down the path of "I have a right to see my children" and uses that as an front for continuing to abuse you. Do some googling on this, as men who have form for physical abuse, emotional abuse, alcoholism, etc, are getting access to their children (and by default, their exwives) by using this legal argument. And it is gaining support in the courts. His recent actions show that he is irrational enough to by into the MRA's warped mindset, and if he is doing all these manipulative things to you, he will also do them to the children as they far more defenceless. I would make sure that every single manipulative thing is documented and start building a case for emotional abuse, as well as divorce. Think back on your past with him and write down every emotionally abusive thing he has said and done, including "tell the children I am dead'.

Strength and courage OP, its going to be rough.

ChasedByBees · 08/09/2014 23:11

Police definitely. What is he thinking? I'm sorry that your MIL has let you down so badly too. :(

tribpot · 08/09/2014 23:17

84 missed calls and 23 text messages.

I can't stress to you how wrong that is, OP.

Thumbwitch · 09/09/2014 00:10

I'm sure this is bum advice but I'd actually be tempted to move, now, and very far away.

mimishimmi · 09/09/2014 00:24

Does he, or your MiL, know where you live now OP? I'm worried for your safety. Please take evidence of calls/messages/even this thread (to explain the situation) to the police immediately. He sounds like a loon.

Jollyphonics · 09/09/2014 00:30

OP I think ultimately you will have to let him see your children. The fact that they haven't asked about him certainly doesn't mean they've moved on. It means they've packaged the grief away temporarily. If you prevent them seeing him they will eventually hate you for it.

However, your husband's behaviour last year was astounding and appalling - telling you repeatedly that he wanted nothing more to do with his kids, and wanting you to tell them he's dead - that is so pathological that I think it could constitute a psychiatric illness. Wanting to inflict such a huge (and fictional) bereavement on his children is abusive.

I would demand a full independent psychiatric report before you agree to him seeing the children. I suspect that if he went through the courts, your solicitor could argue that someone who behaved so irrationally less than a year ago required a clean bill of mental health before he could have contact with vulnerable children.

My biggest concern would be that he would do this again, so I certainly wouldn't give in easily. Let him put his money where his mouth is, and make some effort to prove he is a father.

mimishimmi · 09/09/2014 00:44

My theory is that he found out OW was single and thought he'd have a chance with her but only if she didn't know about his family. i think the reason he gave last year (OW demanding nc) is bs. So he tried to win her, didn't succeed and now he's demanding you take him back. There is no evidence of any true contrition on his part and tedpect for you and those are the only things that would make me even entertain the thought of getting back with him.

lunar1 · 09/09/2014 01:33

He sounds like he's written his own version of events. At least you have evidence of what happened when he left.

wallypops · 09/09/2014 02:33

I live in France so probably totally duff advice but here more than 5 calls would qualify as harassment.

mimishimmi · 09/09/2014 03:00

respect sorry...

middleeasternpromise · 09/09/2014 06:53

Yes to the psych evaluation ^ recommended further up!!! Make sure everything is court ordered he's not well. The family though are your worst enemies - they have clearly plotted and planned for this day and have kept you near so they could facilitate it have they always sorted their little boys messes out for him? Cut the lot of them - are you sure he hasn't been seeing the children behind your back? Just very odd for kids never to ask and settle so well what has nana and aunty been saying to them? You need to play this very carefully he has all the hallmarks of a grade A nutter. So sorry

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 09/09/2014 07:32

OP, hope you are ok? You went suddenly quiet. Did something happen?

Can you get to a solicitor today?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 09/09/2014 07:40

Actually, I believe that he is incorrect. He doesn't actually have a "right" to see his children. The CHILDREN have a right to a relationship with their father... IF (and that is a BIG if) it is healthy and safe for them to do so. That is much different. And I suspect a court will most likely expect more commitment from him than "tell them I'm dead."

So he can pound on about his rights, but he's got it wrong IMO.

Jux · 09/09/2014 08:17

That is right, Alice.

He does not - NOT - have a right to see his children. They have a right to have a relationship with him. It's an entirely different thing, and vety important.

SmashleyHop · 09/09/2014 08:23

Oh OP- What a horrible situation for him and his family to put you through. I agree with the above. Go to the police ASAP. Document and record everything, including all communication from his family. Is there a good friend or family member that can stay with you for the time being? Just so you are not alone incase he tries to just show up? With the way he is behaving I doubt he wouldn't try it.

This happened to me. Ex was abusive so I took our child and moved back in with my family a few states away. Ex tried to convince me to come back- I told him we were over but he could come to visit to see his son he said he was either coming to take us both home or not at all. That was 10 years ago. The amount of abuse and harassment I suffered was a nightmare. The sad thing is the only time he tries to contact me is to harass me, it's never about seeing his son (which he had no contact with for those 10 years) Your Ex's behavior now isn't about his relationship with your kids as he claims. It's all about you. You won't take him back so he will try to bully you into it with threats about the kids. Be strong and report everything. I hope things work out for you OP.

Greenrememberedhills · 09/09/2014 09:38

I think you should report to the police, so that if it does come to court you will have both a record of his original statements plus his 84 calls/23 texts reintroduction to your lives.

And it may well come to court, as he may be a 'need to win' type. He is already rewriting history and trying to make you partly responsible for his gross defection, sadly.

cestlavielife · 09/09/2014 09:55

go speak to police and report his ahrassment of you.
send one clear text or email asking him to stop contacting you and to go via solicitor re: contact with dc.

book an appt with your gp, take copies of all his letters and emails, explain the situation and tell gp you concerned about his mental health. gp can decide whether or not to act/speak to his gp etc. his actions need to be made public to profressionals.

ask for referral to family therapist for the dc so they can supervise any contact and/or you can discuss with a profreesional how tyo handle any renewed contact.

would you be happy with mil supervising contact?
if he does take it to court then court will likely order supervised ocntact initially....

what have dc said?
they will need support i think. if he suddenly turns up.

FelicityGubbins · 09/09/2014 10:06

I just read your opening post on your previous thread, and it sounds to me like you need a different solicitor, "don't tell your friends or family you are getting divorced" sounds bizzare and I wouldn't trust them to be in your or your childrens best interests now it's taken a turn for the worst

MrBusterIPresume · 09/09/2014 10:16

OP, as others have suggested up-thread I think you should seriously consider getting a non-molestation order ASAP. His behaviour is escalating rapidly as he's not getting the response he wants. It is entirely possible that the next move in his campaign to re-establish his relationship with you will be to try to get face-to-face contact with the children, either by turning up at your house or their school. You need to have some legal backing to prevent him from doing this. He doesn't care whether or not the children would be upset or traumatised by his sudden reappearance. He has constructed a fantasy world where he is the victim, the children will be overjoyed to see him and you will relent and welcome him home with open arms.

Greenrememberedhills · 09/09/2014 10:26

OP, I think mebuster has it right on the fantasy world. Except it hasn't worked out quite as he expected so far, and the amended fantasy is that you are the wicked witch who is trying to prevent the story playing out.

Seeing you as the wicked witch might also enable him in his head to dump the blame for his past behaviour on you- he has already started, hasn't he, in his texts? Fighting you hard to gain access to them, conveniently ignoring the past, will make him the righteous hero.

I agree you need to get a lot of help.

Meerka · 09/09/2014 10:31

OP are you ok?

I hope he didn't turn up last night at the house.