EXH Wants To Reconnect With Children?

[Erika203]

I am looking for some objective advice about my ExH, I posted here last year about the crazy situation and you were all very helpful. Here's the thread for the backstory - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1951305-My-husband-has-left-me-and-doesnt-want-to-see-the-children-anymore

So my EXH hasn't seen the children in about 10 months. Last Friday, my ExMIL was visiting and handed me a letter and told me my ex had written it to me. I didn't want to read it but thought it may relate to DC. I opened the envelope & found 4 pages of him rambling about how what happened was a 'moment of madness' , that he is still in love with me and thinks about me all the time. He said he understood that he did damage to our DC and wants to make it up to all of us. He wrote that he wanted to see the children again that he misses them and that he had a wonderful relationship with them before he left, which is true. He also wrote down his new address & phone number and told me to call him if I wanted to meet up and he would go 'anywhere in the world you want to go'

However, our children haven't even mentioned him since new years eve. Our DD is 6 and our DS is now 8. Whey both have settled lives, great friends, and love their new school. Te moved away since my last post as I felt we needed a fresh start - and they are really great children and I don't want to ruin that. Im still wary that the abandonment will have some sort of impact on them in the future and I can't guarantee that he won't walk out of their lives again, creating even more upset. He probably will since he already did it once.

On the other hand, I don't feel I have the authority to stop him seeing the children, and of course I would prefer them to have contact with their father but I tried so many times to get him to maintain the relationship with DC, even offering to drive them to ExMIL so he could spend time with them without even having to see me, each time he said no I don't want to see them and I gave up in January. My ExMIL says he often asks about us, and always wants her to ask if I am seeing anybody. She respects my privacy and doesn't ask me questions like that thankfully. I did start dating my boyfriend in March, but I haven't told anybody about it and he hasn't met DC as we are taking it slowly. He knows all about my ex and was disgusted when I told him, he is such a sweet guy. But honestly, when I got the letter from my ex it sort of threw me off, I don't want to get back with him and I never would, but he was my first and only serious relationship, we were together 13 years and married for 10 and our relationship, apart from the obvious was perfect. I doubt that I will ever love anybody the same way again and I think part of me still does. He also gave me our beautiful DC. I was surprised at how affected I was by the letter. After a period of anger and hate I achieved some indifference towards him which has now been ruined.

Then on Saturday I got a call from my MIL's house, when I answered it was my ExH, which again threw me off because I haven't heard his voice in months. He asked me how I was and could he see me & the children. I told him I needed time to think about it. He cried on the phone telling me the past few months have been horrible and that he just wants to see me again, and then he offered to take the children to school on Monday or meet them with my exPIL - I said 'no this was your choice' & hung up.

What are my options here? We officially divorced 6 months ago - I obviously got full custody and I have signed documentation, emails and texts that clearly show he wanted nothing to do with our DC. But when they get older I don't want them to blame me from keeping him from them, it's a really difficult situation and I have no idea what to do. Im sorry this is rambling a bit but I thought this was all in the past and the letter and phone call & re reading my OP bought me right back to that place I was in 10 months ago. Im not sure how I would feel if I saw him again.

I have blocked his number, and texted my xMIL to cancel next visit & blocked her number too. I really don't want to bring this craziness into DCs lives but what can I do if he wants to see them? I can't believe this is happening, when I was just beginning to get over it.

FFS his sister is now at it. She just texted me to say what I said to her mother was inappropriate & that her brother is going to come back into their lives one day so I should get used to it. I'm going to have to cut his whole family off aren't I?

His sister also says he is planning to go to court to get access to the children. My whole view has changed now, I don't want him near them.

Erika, this is absolutely shocking - you are a very impressive woman indeed to have moved forward after what he put you through. Agree with poster above, you do know what this is about. Your DH is a selfish cunt who imagines all other people are secondary to whatever his current fancy is...he is verging on sociopathic for goodness sake!

Contact with the children can be sought through the courts. Consult a family lawyer, express your grave concerns about your childrens emotional stability in the face of such extreme behaviour and provide your evidence. You are not blocking a father from his children, you are safeguarding their wellbeing - once he commits to the process, you might have more confidence in his role as a parent and certainly will have more support.

Call the police now.

Can you take the day off work tomorrow to go to court and get an emergency residency order to stop him taking the children from school?

Don't respond to his sister block her now and any other relatives who can contact you.

Change your number tomorrow.

I would tell his sister that you would welcome that, as your only concern is the best interests of the children and therefore expect to seek guidance from Childrens Services (or whatever they are called) once the process has started

I honestly don't think he will do it if its a bit hard to be honest.

YY, let the school and the police know. What a colossal bell end. Someone who wants his children to think he is dead because he wants to go off and shag another woman does not deserve to call himself a father. I'm sorry you're going through all this

His family are only looking out for him, not for your DC. My ex was like this. He didn't see ds for 3 years and I stupidly saw it as ds's right to get to know his father again. I wish I hadn't, all it's caused is a lot of upset for ds and now he doesn't see his father as the relationship has been dead for many years. Make him fight for contact. This way your DC will know that he cares enough to go to the effort.

Ok, forget all I said in my previous post, the man is being a twat. This is not showing he's changed and wants to do right by his kids, this is him being a massive wankbadger.

Seek legal advice, keep all your communications on paper (with copies of all you send him) and be prepared to fight. What a cunt.

I'm sorry that he's being a twat, I'm of the opinion that if children can have a proper relationship with both their parents, then it should be facilitated. But he's being a complete arse. Good luck.

He just text me to say, that me initially wanting to wait a few years to have our children, is no different to him making this mistake. Just WOW. Nothing for months and now all of this. I dont even understand where hes coming from.

I think it's coming from a sociopath.

No. Just. NO! So his 'dream life' with Ms Happy Tits didn't work out and now he wants to trot happily back into his old life with you? Sorry, Charlie!!

See a solicitor NOW. Actually not now, YESTERDAY! It may be expensive, but a good solicitor is worth his/her weight in gold when children are involved. Something tells me that you may be in for a battle. Whilst I agree with other pp that this is about him wanting YOU, and he will use the children to get to you. Either to get you back (fat chance) or to hurt you once he realizes that just isn't going to happen. As their father, he probably has 'rights' and you need to know what they are under the circumstances and how to protect your children in the future.

If you wish the children to have a relationship with their father, consult a child psychologist and/or social worker (after seeing a solicitor) to see if this is advisable and/or how to best go about it.

Cut contact with MiL, she cannot be trusted to have the DCs best interests at heart. Bottom line, she is HIS mother and her first concern is obviously him. Who knows what's been cooking between the two of them for how long regarding him reinserting himself into your life. I guess I can understand a mother hoping (secretly) that her child's marriage (and thus her access to DGCs) can be repaired, but you have to have a large dose of insanity to believe that after his circumstances of leaving and the fact that you are now happily seeing someone else. Her rant to you is cutting off her nose to spite her face, IMO, but there you have it.

Inform Ex that he is not to contact you or the children under any circumstances at the present time. Follow a solicitor's advice if you need to legally enforce this.

IMMEDIATELY contact your childrens' schools and let them know (or reinforce to them) that YOU are the ONLY person authorized to remove the children from school or visit them there and the ONLY person authorized to enquire or receive information about them. The same for any activities or teams where you are not present at all times. If you have court orders to this effect, be sure they have copies of them. Since he's been uninterested in them in the past, you may not have made a point of this to the schools.

Frankly your Ex sounds a bit unhinged. And as if he's dragging his mother into his 'dream world' of happily ever after.

I'm of the mind, let him take you to court to get access - this gives you invaluable thinking time to determine what's in the best interests of the children.

I feel that the courts (or in fact you will mediate) a slow re-introduction of him into the children's lives, in a way that minimises contact with you.

E.g he can start by sending them postcards, later to a quick face to face visit, and then if he proves himself capable of parenting: that is putting their welfare first, second and third, he can move to longer periods of contact.

Don't let yourself be bamboozled into anything until you have had time to work out for yourself and your children the best way forward.

You are their mother - no one else gets to make decisions over the children until a court decides otherwise. Your first and only priority is to them. He, if he has any appreciation of what he's done, should be able to accept that this must happen slowly.

Contact the police.
Let the school know what's going on.
Get legal advice ASAP...restraining order?
Cut his family out of your life.

OP you really need to tie this down legally so if he takes them you can have the police on him immediately to return them.

If the ex is on the birth certificate I believe OP cannot stop her ex from going to the school and taking them. All she can do is inform the school and hope they will agree to delay him, call her and keep him there long enough for her to get there.

Well firstly it isn't you.
re MIL you cannot trust her. I remember getting a message from my mil when I stopped contact with Ex as he was been aggressive in front of son telling me similar about it was my fault and my child would grow up to hate me I told her I would take appraisal of my parenting skills from those who saw the efforts I went to to make my son happy...

As for ex... yes contact the police and log it he will get a warning at this point.

it does sounds like dumped by other women and thinks you will be up to slotting back into his life or he has heard about your new partner

I would send him an email saying what Ehric advises; add a line telling him that he is harrassing you and telling him clearly to stop. With luck that will get him off your back for now. Even better you'll get something back saying "but I might not even want to see them in 3 months" (but don't hold your breath).

Also, call 101 and show the police all the texts etc. Also, the old ones you have, showing that you tried to keep the relationship between him and his children going.

Then, if you need to, find a shit hot lawyer and get a non molestation order so he leaves you alone.

Op that many calls and texts in one day, after only getting in contact on Saturday tells you he's escalating this rapidly.

Please call 101 and ask to speak to their domestic abuse team. I really think you are going to need their help and fast, he is not going to go away, he's going to ramp it up to the hilt. How long till he is standing on the doorstep? You must protect your dc from this at all costs.

Tell them your history, that you are scared and want to protect the children from a scene. Any scene under these circumstances that they witness with the sudden reappearance of an angry father would be classed as emotional abuse.

I had to do this. I said he had to go to court for contact. He went mad about his 'rights', sending endless emails and texts. I got an emergency non-molestation order to force him to leave us alone. It specified he was to come nowhere near myself or the children. I really think you need one of these as an emergency tomorrow.

He will then have to go to court. CAFCASS will be involved and they were very careful with my children, as there was clear emotional harm. You also have a clear cut case of emotional harm. How could they not be harmed? CAFCASS did not allow my ex to see his children for a further 10 months. They started with letters, then an incredibly closely supervised contact centre, now a more loosely supervised contact centre, it has now been 18 months.

You can't just let him back in. And it is clear he will need to be controlled by the power of the courts, as he is so wrapped up in what is right for him.

You must protect them from him.

Phone the police. A non-molestation order is needed, and fast.

Also as he was married he has PR so legally can remove them from school. so do inform the school and tell them that he is very unstable at the moment and seek legal advise.

OP that kind of escalation shows that he is definitely unhinged and escalating this wildly. I agree that ringing 101 today - making a report, telling them about the contact not only from him, but then from his mother and his sister. A non-molestation order is likely going to be needed, and it should include any contact through a third party (meaning his family members) as well. And make sure the school knows.

Really good post from NotQuiteSoOnEdge & Alice

Gosh yes, do what NotQuite and Alice say.

Blimey, he sounds off his head OP. Yes, please see a solicitor and ring 101. Keep records of everything you've been sent.

He sounds absolutely unhinged.

84 phone calls in one day? Surely that must be evidence of harassment? And his family are joining in. All this, all of a sudden out of the blue is not reasonable behaviour, and I think protecting the children from him has to be the priority. I would want all this logged with the police and DV unit, so that if he tries to go through the legal channels to gain contact, this unhealthy putting it mildly behaviour is on record.

its my fault our children have no father

Holy shit that is some seriously warped self-delusion. HE TOLD YOU TO TELL THEM HE WAS DEAD. But now it's your fault. What. A. Fucking. Prick.

Anyway, he is escalating severely and I quite agree, you now need legal intervention. A call to the police and a trip to the solicitor, one tonight and one tomorrow. Eventually, yes, I am sure you will have to agree to him having access to the children. But for their sakes it cannot be like this. Christ, haven't they suffered enough from his mad self-obsession?

Let him take you to court. That will take months, which is ideal. Frankly he needs psychiatric evaluation.

Frankly he needs psychiatric evaluation.

I agree, and I wouldn't let him anywhere near the children without one.