EXH Wants To Reconnect With Children?

[Erika203]

I am looking for some objective advice about my ExH, I posted here last year about the crazy situation and you were all very helpful. Here's the thread for the backstory - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1951305-My-husband-has-left-me-and-doesnt-want-to-see-the-children-anymore

So my EXH hasn't seen the children in about 10 months. Last Friday, my ExMIL was visiting and handed me a letter and told me my ex had written it to me. I didn't want to read it but thought it may relate to DC. I opened the envelope & found 4 pages of him rambling about how what happened was a 'moment of madness' , that he is still in love with me and thinks about me all the time. He said he understood that he did damage to our DC and wants to make it up to all of us. He wrote that he wanted to see the children again that he misses them and that he had a wonderful relationship with them before he left, which is true. He also wrote down his new address & phone number and told me to call him if I wanted to meet up and he would go 'anywhere in the world you want to go'

However, our children haven't even mentioned him since new years eve. Our DD is 6 and our DS is now 8. Whey both have settled lives, great friends, and love their new school. Te moved away since my last post as I felt we needed a fresh start - and they are really great children and I don't want to ruin that. Im still wary that the abandonment will have some sort of impact on them in the future and I can't guarantee that he won't walk out of their lives again, creating even more upset. He probably will since he already did it once.

On the other hand, I don't feel I have the authority to stop him seeing the children, and of course I would prefer them to have contact with their father but I tried so many times to get him to maintain the relationship with DC, even offering to drive them to ExMIL so he could spend time with them without even having to see me, each time he said no I don't want to see them and I gave up in January. My ExMIL says he often asks about us, and always wants her to ask if I am seeing anybody. She respects my privacy and doesn't ask me questions like that thankfully. I did start dating my boyfriend in March, but I haven't told anybody about it and he hasn't met DC as we are taking it slowly. He knows all about my ex and was disgusted when I told him, he is such a sweet guy. But honestly, when I got the letter from my ex it sort of threw me off, I don't want to get back with him and I never would, but he was my first and only serious relationship, we were together 13 years and married for 10 and our relationship, apart from the obvious was perfect. I doubt that I will ever love anybody the same way again and I think part of me still does. He also gave me our beautiful DC. I was surprised at how affected I was by the letter. After a period of anger and hate I achieved some indifference towards him which has now been ruined.

Then on Saturday I got a call from my MIL's house, when I answered it was my ExH, which again threw me off because I haven't heard his voice in months. He asked me how I was and could he see me & the children. I told him I needed time to think about it. He cried on the phone telling me the past few months have been horrible and that he just wants to see me again, and then he offered to take the children to school on Monday or meet them with my exPIL - I said 'no this was your choice' & hung up.

What are my options here? We officially divorced 6 months ago - I obviously got full custody and I have signed documentation, emails and texts that clearly show he wanted nothing to do with our DC. But when they get older I don't want them to blame me from keeping him from them, it's a really difficult situation and I have no idea what to do. Im sorry this is rambling a bit but I thought this was all in the past and the letter and phone call & re reading my OP bought me right back to that place I was in 10 months ago. Im not sure how I would feel if I saw him again.

He told you to tell them he was dead?!

Does his mother know that?

It's extremely hard to see how being living put down and pick up toys is in the best interests of the children. If my husband ever said anything like that about the children he'd be dead to me alright.

I think you should make sure his mother knows what he said and then put down the phone on him, every .. single .. time.

This is so cruel on the children. He is a cruel man.

Wow. It's difficult that such an arrogant, entitled, pathetic creep could exist.

Lots of people have already given some good advice here. This is what I would consider the most important:

• Tell your MIL that you are totally, TOTALLY unimpressed with receiving a call from your ex, with no warning, from her number. That was deceitful, manipulative and shitty behaviour. Tell her if it happens again you will point blank refuse to speak to either her or her shitty son (this is obviously a message for her to pass on, but she was complicit in this). She needs to know that betraying your trust is a bad move.

• Tell her that her contact with the children will be at your house from now on.

Respond to your ex's letter saying that YOU* want absolutely NOTHING to do with him. At all. At ALL. And you won't be changing your mind about that. Yes, you are seeing someone else. No, that isn't any of his business. You really need to make it crystal clear that his chances of re-building a relationship with YOU are not even 0. You also need to state, categorically, that this is not even an item for discussion, and if he tries to use the children to harass you on a personal level, you will take him to court.

It really struck me that THIS was the first thing he brought up.

• Then say you need more time to consider what he said about wanting to re-build contact with the children, and you will contact him again specifically about that. Insist that he is NOT to contact you again until you have had time to consider the circumstances and speak to the children. His behaviour didn't even fall into the category of appalling. It was in the upper stratosphere of worst behaviour imaginable. You need to protect your dc's from future hurt.

He really is a selfish fuck, isn't he? He isn't taking any responsibility for what he did at all. He is blaming it on a moment of "madness" (interest choice of word - since it implies he couldn't control what he was doing).

PS, Sorry I forgot, but it's important that you keep a copy of the letter that you send. You might even want to send it by e-mail so you have an electronic copy in your outbox. It also means you can block his e-mail if he - sorry, WHEN he starts to bombard you with pathetic messages about how you are the love of his life.

Vomit.

don't jump when he calls op.

i have done so many times thinking it's best for the children.

take your time.

a letter after ten months is cowardly, and just what has he been doing in those ten fucking months.
I agree that the children will seem ok but are most certainly traumatised, they just don't have the first clue how to approach the subject or express it. Therefore they keep it suppressed.

I can imagine hearing something like that, after what he did, that he misses you and he made a mistake must be tearing you apart too. Suddenly a man tries to re connect.

Be strong keep moving forwards.

The only time for you to consider him to reconnect is when your children make moves or sounds towards that.

That time will come, they will begin to question, but be prepared for emotional turmoil in them. Ask yourself what they need. Mostly they need you to be level, considered (as you do sound) and strong.

Leave it for now op. They are only just back at school.

Wow! He sounds like the shittiest human being ever.

I really feel for your dc in all this. They are going to be severely effected by this. I agree with pps, that he's making this about everything he wants. I wouldn't let him lick the shit off my shoe if I were you.

Go contact your solicitor ASAP. I'm still concerned that your dc haven't talked about their dad, or mention him. Do they talk to each other about him, out of your earshot, so they don't upset you?

1- tell the mil that she is never to facilitate contact from him to you or the children again. Tell her that she is on notice regarding seeing the children unsupervised by you, and that if there is any hint of her facilitating contact with him and them you will stop her contact with them indefinitely.
2- email him telling him to email back in three months if he is still interested in having contact with him children. State that this will not happen instantly, it will be subject to conditions being met and will be subject to review at all stages.
3- tell him not to contact you under any circumstances until those three months have passed.
4- if he sticks to those strictures then the first step would be to find an independent mediator for a session with you and X for him to explain his actions. A good mediator will support you both to communicate. You need total honesty from him, not 'it was a moment of madness' but 'I had enough of responsibility, I don't love them enough, I only thought about myself, I am the most important person to me'. All things you know to be true, but he needs to acknowledge them. Anything less is not honest enough. Then you need him to come up with a solution to reintroduce him into their lives which acknowledges the harm he has caused and protects against future harm. You don't have to agree with his proposal but you do need to examine it for his level of understanding of te children's needs and harm minimisation.
5- in the meantime, get your children some counselling. Let them talk about him to a neutral party. You don't need to talk to them about contact with him yet, that's miles down the line.

I bet the plan fails at #3

The only thing Ehric, is that the father won't need to justify his past actions. The fact is that he is saying he wants a relationship now. The courts these days seem to try and force children to have relationships with both parents, regardless of them getting hurt in the process. So he is under absolutely no obligation to do (4) at all.

Depending on the ages of the children, I think people might be getting a little hysterical saying that they must be traumatised by what happened. It's been a long time, and kids adapt to the weirdest things. If they don't talk about him I would take that at face value, rather than assuming some deep dark chasm of trauma lies beneath the surface.

I agree though that there should be some very simple conditions met though:

• Him to accept that you are not part of the package. From now until evermore, there will be no communication with you unless it's about the children and the children only. Any messages raising your past relationship, or "his feelings" (vomit) or asking you personal questions will be immediately deleted.

• He has to prove he is serious, and that he can respect your boundaries by giving you three months complete space, and then re-asserting he wants a relationship with the children.

• He has to agree to build up the contact very slowly.

This is assuming he doesn't go to court of course. If he does, and you get court ordered mediation, you can push for #4 but it won't be a condition since you won't get to decide.
Having said that, cafcass won't recommend immediate regular contact after this surely? I understand that he will be granted contact but they will acknowledge that the children need it to build up.

I think he just wants to yank your chain again because his current lady love has become too boring for him. He using the children like this is unforgiveable. They have been hurt enough as have you (his actions were months of cruelty, not a mere moment of madness) and I think they are traumatised by their dad's abandonment of them.

Your role amongst many now is to try as much as possible to ensure that their own adult relationships are healthy ones (and counselling for you would be adviseable). Their dad will not enable that process to at all happen.

If you have written evidence of his requests to tell the children he is dead/change their surname etc then I don't think the court is going to take him too seriously. This could be emails he sent or texts/facebook messages with a timestamp that you sent to others informing them at the time. What a toad...

I have been through similar with my ex. I would urge you to use caution. My ex came back full of remorse and promises - few weeks of exemplary behaviour (or so I thought) - then he just vanished like smoke again. Left me to pick up more pieces which he had left behind. I wish I had ignored his crocodile tears and lies. It was all about himself and his guilt - there was no concern for the children. He did try contact again a few months ago but was ignored. My children made the decision themselves to ignore him due to their age.

I suppose you'll have to allow him access at some point. I guess you'll just have to do it at a time and place of your choosing.

I think the most important thing to do is drum in to your children the fact that you will never, ever leave them and that you will be someone that they can always count on and trust.

I agree with Fabulassie and tribpot:

Step out of the fray;
Refuse contact via MIL;
Tell him, via a solicitor, to (i) explain himself; and (ii) set out a plan for gradual contact;
Get some professional help to assist the children to process the abandonment.

He told you to tell the children he was dead. Now he wants to reconnect with them. Tell him to find a psychic medium as a go between and you will bring the children to a seance. Other than that.. he's dead. How can he reconnect when he's dead?

What an utter twat.

Thumbwitch , at first it was very intense questioning all of the time, "Wheres Daddy" "When is Daddy coming home" etc. I told them that he still loved them but he needed some time away. They both had a great relationship with him. Although he did work alot he was never an absent parent before that which is why it was so shocking when he said that. mimishimmi I have always been worried about the possibility of my ex turning up at his mums house when DC were there, so she and my xFIL here to see them, about once a month for a weekend.They have a really good bond with them which I think has helped with not having their father around. I also have a big family so I think they have felt supported by that too.

I got in from work to find 84 missed calls and 23 text messages. How pathetic. According to him as soon as he moved in with OW he knew 'something wasn't right' (yeah, him abandoning his kids!) .He said he left OW within 4 weeks and hasn't had sex with anyone since I HIGHLY doubt that but I couldn't care less if thats the truth or not. After alot of mixed emotions last night im just extremely pissed off that he has put me in this situation. He also says that he just wants things to go back to how they were. Eventually, he left voicemails crying, and then getting angry saying that its his right to see his children and its my fault our children have no father because when he left I never told him that I would never take him back (WTF). I can't believe this is the man I married. He also reasons that since ive more than likely been 'fucking other men' and he has only had OW and then 'waited to have me', that he deserves forgiveness.

MIL just called me, and I told her I was upset that he called me she claimed that she had no idea,but then she told me that she thinks I should give exH another chance!. She told me he has been a mess and thrown himself into work (in one of the messages exH told me he now has a bigger house as if that means anything!, apparently he has a whole new life in another place and 'is just waiting for his wife and children to come home'). I am so angry with her too. I reminded her that I gave him several chances with DC when I called him more than once to arrange for him to see them.She told me that its not fair for me to prevent them seeing their father. She also had the audacity to claim that I was letting what he did to me get in the way of the wellbeing of DC!!! He left ALL of us, wanted me to tell them he was dead & she knows this!. I hung up on her because she seems to have bought into his 'moment of madness' theory which has been pissing me off all day.

What is wrong with these people? They are acting like I started all of this. Am I the crazy one here? It's like living in an alternate reality.

I think you have your answer. Block his number. NC with Mil. If he persists in contacting you, consider a Harassment Warning from the police. If he is so desperate to see DC, let him take you to court, where you can show the judge the "dead" emails.

By the way, it's not you, it's them.

I think you have your answer. Block his number. NC with Mil. If he persists in contacting you, consider a Harassment Warning from the police. If he is so desperate to see DC, let him take you to court, where you can show the judge the "dead" emails.

Indeed. Now they are gaslighting you. If you ever had any doubts, here is the answer.

I think you need to send him 1 text. Get it in writing. That you will not have him back and you have no wish to discuss this further. You will communicate with him regarding the children to email '[email protected]' but you wish no further personal communications.

If he persists with this quantity of personal missed calls/texts you will change your number and go to the police to speak to them about harrassment.

No communications will be responded to apart from about the children at this new email.

Then if he does contact you again go to the police.

Do not ever doubt that this is not of your doing and you are in no way responsible for this wankers actions.

What a nasty selfish bastard. Oh and two fingers up at his mother too!

I would contact the police now tbh, I think the craziness will get worse before it gets better ( he obviously has a shared batshit gene from his mother's side) and don't let them anywhere near your children.

He just text me to say, that me initially wanting to wait a few years to have our children, is no different to him making this mistake. Just WOW. Nothing for months and now all of this. I dont even understand where hes coming from.

You know exactly where he is coming from.

The valley of me me me and what I want fuck everyone else I deserve to be happy.

How is waiting to have your children the same as his "mistake"! Call 101. This behaviour will escalate. Protect yourself and your DC.