I can't believe this is actually my life.

[TheCheatersWife]

I am a regular and I recently posted under another user name on another thread about the absolute farce that is my marriage. Peoples reactions made me realise that I really am in the most unbelievable and farcical marriage ever and I really do need to grow a back bone and do something about it. However, my self esteem is non existant and I am so ashamed that not only find myself in this situation but that I am guilty of staying in it, purely because I am too scared to leave. I just don't have the balls.

People on that other thread suggested I start my own. Its taken me a week or so to pluck up the courage to do so and I am not even sure what I want from doing so but here goes...... I will start with putting what I put elsewhere because typing it out is hard to do/admit and take it from there.

My life is just one total massive farce. Nothing is really what it seems from the outside.

My "lovely" and "doting" husband has been cheating on me since at least 2005, and probably before that.

He fucks random people he meets over the internet. He has a false name and false persona for doing this - so the people he fucks actually have no idea who he really is, where he comes from etc.

I first found out in 2008. I decided to stay with him and try again. The fact is after about a year I lost my self respect because I was so pathetic to stay with him. Over the following few years I realised I lost all respect for him too. I am utterly sad and miserable. We have not had sex in about 15 months and before that it was rare and sporadic as I have no idea who he has been with and am terrified of picking up an STI.

In January this year I found out for sure he was definatly still having sex with ... well I dont know who - just holes. He is so clever at keeping his secrets I dont even know if its other women, I have recently wondered if he is into gay sex purely based on the fact he is so secretive. I also wonder if it is Dogging or worse just because of his levels of deceit and secrecy. His Dad was dying at the same time so I didnt kick him into touch and leave - I just stayed. We had a brief discussion where he came up with 3 options to reslove the situation.

1. Stay together as man and wife but shag. (however he refuses to discuss exactly what it is he has been upto/who with etc. so why would I sleep with him and how can I move on mentally with no real apology discussion)

2. carry on as we are and he gets to shag/carry on with whatever he is doing. I get to carry on being a doormat.

3. Split - but he does not want this and I frankly am filled with fear on how to do this and just find myself just too scared to leave.

He kept saying to me on the rare occasions he was home (between training courses/compassionate leave with his family up north)that we would sit down and have a proper chat to "work it all out", but that conversation has never been forthcoming. I have tried to start it a few times but we just go around in the same old circles - he refusing to discuss what he has don't/been etc.

Since January we have not slept in the same bed. He sleeps on the settee downstairs and I in what was our bed. My self esteem is on the floor. I hate myself for not wanting sex. I have no desire. I know this is not normal at 40.

Day to day we rub along as normal although I find it harder and harder to even speak to him. I cannot leave. I have been a housewife for 18 years following him around the world with his Service career. I have spent my years being a mum and obviously a pretty useless wife.

I am so lonely. Surrounded by friends of a similar age celebrating 20/25 years of marriage or young happy newly weds on our married quarter patch. My family is 250 miles away. I have nowhere to go. We have moved house so many times, nowhere feels like home anymore. I literally have nowhere to go and no way of supporting myself.

I cant tell anyone in RL whats going on. I do everything on my own as he refuses to socialise with anyone - why should he waste time on friends and his wife when he could be arranging his next opportunity to get cock deep inside someone off the internet.

I have just come home after 2 weeks away on holiday just me and my 2 teen DC and feel so sad and trapped.

I cant tell anyone the truth because as much as I am ashamed and embarrassed of what he does, I am disgusted at myself for staying and embarrassed to tell anyone he does this because I failed sexually as his wife.

I adore my kids. They are all I live for. I have often considered just dissapearring (i even planned once a very elaborate plan to run away and start again under a new persona/identity) but couldnt leave my kids. Suicide is something that I consider frequently but dont want my kids to think I left them deliberately.

So this is it. This is my lonely little life. I just stay because I am too much of a spinelss bitch to actually leave. I resent the fact that if I leave him I will have a destitute life on benefits whilst he will carryon with his very successful career earning ££££ and be totally unaffected. I cant get a job. 4 years of trying, 2 years of college course and no one will touch me. I dont know where to go to live. My kids would be devastated its GCSE time for them. Its just all too much - so I just stay and keep getting humiliated every time he comes home and says "I need to work away again tomorrow".

My life as far as actually living is over.

You are not failing him sexually as a wife. He has utterly failed you as a husband.

Others will be on with sage advice but chin up and start to get an exit strategy. Why do you think you can't get a job. What kinds of jobs were you going for. What are you realistically trained to do/ capable of doing?

Hello, your situation sounds very upsetting. May I ask have you spoken to a solicitor to find out exactly what you would get if you split up? Have you looked at what tax credits etc you would get?

I think knowledge may empower you.

It would be awful for you to still be in this situation in 15 or 20 years time.

I have not worked for years because we moved house so frequently and the childcare always fell to me with him being away so much.

I used to be in banking before we got married. I recently did some courses at college for a completely different work sector but the jobs in it are few and far between. (I am purposely being vague with any details that may identify me in rl).

I have applied for loads of basic minimum wage jobs recently but don't seem to be able to get past the phsycological questionnaire things. Think - Supermarkets, retail, call centre etc

He doesn't want to split because he has a cushy number going on. You deserve far far better than this. He is a poor example of a husband. Is he military? Do you own property? You need to know financially exactly where you stand.

You have not failed. He has. If his dirty secret came out it wouldn't be you who would be embarrassed to show your face in public, it would be him.

Speak to a divorce lawyer, you will get a good settlement after so many years of marriage, and his £££ salary will have to in part be shared with you and the dcs. Please do this asap, it will be empowering and reassuring to take control.

He is military.

We have some savings for a house when he leaves in a few years time. We live in married quarters.

Could you try signing on with an agency to get some temp work? It would also put something recent on your cv.

I am so sorry you are going through this. You sound utterly defeated. Something that stands out in your post is that he's still making the decisions: he came up with x3 possible 'solutions; he's leading the chat to 'work things out' etc. You're also making a number of negative assumptions which may not materialise - for instance, you'll be destitute and won't get a job. So, this is what I'd suggest: Hard as it is, try not to focus on or put any more energy into analysing/controlling/discovering his appalling behaviour. IMO (and, sadly, experience) finding out more of the gritty details only furthers the erosion of our self-esteem- you already know enough to make your marriage untenable. Instead, put that energy into teeny, tiny steps towards your new happy life. Obviously, first one is a solicitor. Then research your benefits. When you've done that, start looking online at where would be feasible to live with your children. Don't think about everything at once or it will be overwhelming. You absolutely will be OK but the longer you admit defeat and muddle through, the harder it becomes. Finally, don't believe he will be joyous and happy when you've gone - he'll be left looking at himself which won't be in the least bit pleasant.

He seems to have got worse recently.

Last Saturday night I went to bed at 10ish and woke at 1am and needed to loo. For some reason, I looked outside and saw his car was gone.

I just knew he had gone out for some kind of sexual encounter. I awoke at 7.20 and the car was back but no condensation on it like all the others in the street. I could hear him snoring downstairs so went out to the car. I found a wad of condoms in a pouch/bag (50/60 condoms at a guess) hidden under the seat, loads of aftershave and toothpaste. Nothing on the sat nav. The bonnet was still warm so he had not long been back - another words he was out all night.

I know infidelity is disrespectful but sneaking out when me and the kids are asleep just feels so much more insulting. It screams - no respect at me and it is all this happening last weekend and again twice in the week that has made me pluck up the courage to post.

He was also out 2 nights in the week. One night just for 2 hours and one night 11.30 pm until 7am - just coming in to shower for work then go.

I have the feeling now that he has been doing this for years. I can recall hundreds of times I got up in the night to find him not here and he would blame - being called into work (when he was on call), being stressed and needing to get work done etc. Always an excuse ready - and no way for me to check up because its military.

I have been logging the mileage but its different every time.

Okay so if military he will have a pension. You say you have savings. Gather all this evidence together. Copies of payslips, p60s, savings accounts, stocks, shares etc. take photocopies and hide somewhere (a family member).

Could you volunteer in the short term? Make some local friends. Possibly not on military base. Are you due to go anywhere with his work?

You poor thing, just take it step by step. Leave and find somewhere to live (doesn't matter that you will be on benefits to begin with- a job will come later) you will feel a whole load better if you leave and start living for you and your kids. It's never too late to turn your life around.
Hope your okay

Cross posted. Op this is awful. You don't deserve this.
As Georgie said baby steps, tiny steps. Don't think you need to leave today. You need to find stuff out. Then you can make an informed decision.

You are not a failure as a wife, but your H has certainly failed you. I do think you know you are letting YOURSELF down as you are so dreadfully unhappy with this life. And who would blame you?

Life as a SP can be OK you know. It will certainly be many many times better than the misery you have been enduring for so long now. It may seem daunting now, but imagine 6 months into the future living in a place you love, without this shit storm of a H, and starting to feel really good about yourself, reconnecting with yourself.

It's very daunting - all the changes at once. If I were you I wouldn't think about work just yet - that will come. As no place feels like home just yet, that gives you a massive amount of freedom. Are there family members or friends you would like to live close to? Or a place you have been to that you would like to live? Start dreaming about what might be possible.

You need to see a lawyer to get a clearer picture of what you would get out of the marriage. You need to check out what benefits you would be entitled to - here is a good place to start: www.turn2us.org.uk

Do you have any savings that would help with finding a flat, paying deposit and first rent etc?

You don't have to live like this and YOU can change your life.

I just want to say that I work and have what you might call a career, and I also fail all of those pre-screening job application tests (tried them out when DH was job hunting!) worst one is wetherspoons, like being analysed. I know this is a minor detail but please don't let things like that make you think that you won't be able to get a job - it doesn't mean that at all. Volunteering is a wonderful idea - it will give you some confidence as well as some experience - what you need to empower you to make a life away from this man. Please pm me if you would like any info on volunteering. And I really hope you are able to make the changes you yourself know are needed

I do voluntary work on the base at the moment. I started that purely with a view to get a reference and help with job hunting when we first got here 2 years ago.

We are due to move at the start of 2015, its been delayed twice already because of some problems with the big overhaul of bringing troops back from Germany (we are UK based at the mo). We will be moving elsewhere in the UK. I reckon we are looking at Feb to easter next year in reality.

However, in the back of my mind I am thinking NO - don't move. Its OK here, one of the better places I have lived (although high unemployment). I am also closer to my family here (still over 200 miles) than I will be when we move.

Its also that thought that is spurning me on to try to get a grip and change my life.

Its quite sad that I look back at all the places we have lived and think "X is where I caught him the first time/2nd time" "Y is where I always suspected blah etc etc ". I don't think I want to move onto anywhere else with him anymore. I know I need to stop this.

His 'activities' sound like those someone having multiple casual encounter, a pouch of condoms, utterly sickening.

You know what you have to do. His 'solution's' are risible and unworkable, he is clearly in the grip of addiction, you can solve none of that even if you offered him sexual on tap day and night, this is nothing to do with no sex at home, in fact, it sounds like he his behavior was what killed your sex life in the first place.

You have lots of options OP. Put getting a job aside for the moment, that will all be do-able in time. Concentrate on getting legal advice, get your options put in front of you, you are entitled to plenty in a settlement with the details you have provided on here I would hazard a generous divorce settlement, you will not be destitute, you owe it to yourself to get away from this vile and weak man.

I work FT so that was never an issue for me (though I would hate to sit those dreaded tests and I've got PostGrad quals :)).

But just to add since separating from X, I too have been doing so volunteering in my community, and damn it makes me feel good. I've met new people, lovely people, we work together and achieve stuff - it's the most personally empowering thing I have done in years!!

I am so sorry. What a S**T he is.
You must see a solicitor and start to look seriously at your options.
Is he aggressive ?
Are you and the kids in any danger ?

Thank you all of you for being so kind.

I was scared to post tbh because I am so ashamed of myself for getting into this ridiculous situation that I thought people would come on here and call me a liar or tell me to just get a grip.

Honestly, if someone had said to me 20 years ago this is where I would be - I would have laughed in their face at being so ridiculous. I don't know what happened when exactly - but I stopped being ballsy and confident and some kind of doormat.

So thank you - you are helping me. I think this is what I need. Someone to help give me baby steps.

Please please please go and see a solicitor. See if there is a Quality Solicitors branch near you, most of these offer a free initial meeting. Even if you just do this one thing, it will be so worth it, you will know exactly your position if/when you leave. Knowledge is power. Whilst he is running around doing goodness knows what, concentrate on preparing for your new life.

You know what he is doing, it's escalating and it is sickening. If it was me I don't know if I would want to know any more about his sordid life. How will it make you feel any better or help you position knowing more details.

Focus on detaching.

This is about YOU now, not him. Detach, leave him to it. Put all your energies into stuff that helps you achieve your goals and makes you feel good, not bad.

As for moving in 2015, well fuck that. You can move in 2014, with your DC, to be closer to your family, somewhere YOU want to live.

And you won't have some deadbeat, cock fuelled loser sneaking out in the night on you to shag goodness knows who/where.

Are you still cooking for him? Washing his shagging clothes? You can stop all that too - you can relieve yourself from the burden of physically looking after someone who treats you so appallingly and with such a lack of care and respect. You don't have to do it .

You haven't got yourself into any situation. He's created the situation and it's him that people would look at with disgust if they knew what he was really up to.

you will be ballsy again and your confidence will increase with each and every baby step you take.

This is NOT your fault OK! Relieve yourself of that blame.

Can you find a little self healing mantra to help when you are blaming yourself? Find something that works for you. I.e. when I go to swim in the sea and it's cold I have a mantra that transforms me from be a ninny dipping her toes, into an amazonian who can dive into the sea. I chant my mantra in my head a few times and the BOOM I'm in.

Someone kindly PM'd me the other week when I first posted about this for the first time advising me to find a solicitor who specialises in the Forces Pension - however, I cannot find anyone. The few I have found seem to aim themselves at defending the service member and their pension from wives like me, after a fair share of it.

I posted the other day in the Forces Sweetheart section and Divorce section for advice on how to find a good solicitor but neither post has had any replies.

I have laid in bed awake many nights and it is a decent share of his pension I want above all else. I don't even have a full state pension coming my way (assuming there will be any state pension in 27 years) when I retire. All our other assets are the pretty insignificant.

We have about £50k in house deposit savings - the bulk in my name for tax reasons.

2 cars - 12 and 6 years old.

A house full of ageing furniture and not much else.

OP, I have been in a very similar position to you although not military. I hadn't worked for 12years but I knew I deserved better. I left and divorced him 6 years ago and life with my dc has been amazing since then. In fact dc1 who is soon to go to uni thanked me for a brilliant childhood recently. You need to see a solicitor who specialises in family law and get away from him. Please do not think you will be destitute especially if he has a good salary and savings .... They are partly yours and you and the dc will come first. I got 75% of the equity in out home, 50% of his pension......