I can't believe this is actually my life.

[TheCheatersWife]

I am a regular and I recently posted under another user name on another thread about the absolute farce that is my marriage. Peoples reactions made me realise that I really am in the most unbelievable and farcical marriage ever and I really do need to grow a back bone and do something about it. However, my self esteem is non existant and I am so ashamed that not only find myself in this situation but that I am guilty of staying in it, purely because I am too scared to leave. I just don't have the balls.

People on that other thread suggested I start my own. Its taken me a week or so to pluck up the courage to do so and I am not even sure what I want from doing so but here goes...... I will start with putting what I put elsewhere because typing it out is hard to do/admit and take it from there.

My life is just one total massive farce. Nothing is really what it seems from the outside.

My "lovely" and "doting" husband has been cheating on me since at least 2005, and probably before that.

He fucks random people he meets over the internet. He has a false name and false persona for doing this - so the people he fucks actually have no idea who he really is, where he comes from etc.

I first found out in 2008. I decided to stay with him and try again. The fact is after about a year I lost my self respect because I was so pathetic to stay with him. Over the following few years I realised I lost all respect for him too. I am utterly sad and miserable. We have not had sex in about 15 months and before that it was rare and sporadic as I have no idea who he has been with and am terrified of picking up an STI.

In January this year I found out for sure he was definatly still having sex with ... well I dont know who - just holes. He is so clever at keeping his secrets I dont even know if its other women, I have recently wondered if he is into gay sex purely based on the fact he is so secretive. I also wonder if it is Dogging or worse just because of his levels of deceit and secrecy. His Dad was dying at the same time so I didnt kick him into touch and leave - I just stayed. We had a brief discussion where he came up with 3 options to reslove the situation.

1. Stay together as man and wife but shag. (however he refuses to discuss exactly what it is he has been upto/who with etc. so why would I sleep with him and how can I move on mentally with no real apology discussion)

2. carry on as we are and he gets to shag/carry on with whatever he is doing. I get to carry on being a doormat.

3. Split - but he does not want this and I frankly am filled with fear on how to do this and just find myself just too scared to leave.

He kept saying to me on the rare occasions he was home (between training courses/compassionate leave with his family up north)that we would sit down and have a proper chat to "work it all out", but that conversation has never been forthcoming. I have tried to start it a few times but we just go around in the same old circles - he refusing to discuss what he has don't/been etc.

Since January we have not slept in the same bed. He sleeps on the settee downstairs and I in what was our bed. My self esteem is on the floor. I hate myself for not wanting sex. I have no desire. I know this is not normal at 40.

Day to day we rub along as normal although I find it harder and harder to even speak to him. I cannot leave. I have been a housewife for 18 years following him around the world with his Service career. I have spent my years being a mum and obviously a pretty useless wife.

I am so lonely. Surrounded by friends of a similar age celebrating 20/25 years of marriage or young happy newly weds on our married quarter patch. My family is 250 miles away. I have nowhere to go. We have moved house so many times, nowhere feels like home anymore. I literally have nowhere to go and no way of supporting myself.

I cant tell anyone in RL whats going on. I do everything on my own as he refuses to socialise with anyone - why should he waste time on friends and his wife when he could be arranging his next opportunity to get cock deep inside someone off the internet.

I have just come home after 2 weeks away on holiday just me and my 2 teen DC and feel so sad and trapped.

I cant tell anyone the truth because as much as I am ashamed and embarrassed of what he does, I am disgusted at myself for staying and embarrassed to tell anyone he does this because I failed sexually as his wife.

I adore my kids. They are all I live for. I have often considered just dissapearring (i even planned once a very elaborate plan to run away and start again under a new persona/identity) but couldnt leave my kids. Suicide is something that I consider frequently but dont want my kids to think I left them deliberately.

So this is it. This is my lonely little life. I just stay because I am too much of a spinelss bitch to actually leave. I resent the fact that if I leave him I will have a destitute life on benefits whilst he will carryon with his very successful career earning ££££ and be totally unaffected. I cant get a job. 4 years of trying, 2 years of college course and no one will touch me. I dont know where to go to live. My kids would be devastated its GCSE time for them. Its just all too much - so I just stay and keep getting humiliated every time he comes home and says "I need to work away again tomorrow".

My life as far as actually living is over.

do you know any forces couples who divorced? Perhaps track down the XW and ask who they used?

Surely a good divorce lawyer will get on expert help if they need it, or they can refer you on?

Agree with other posters that if you work out what a split might mean for you practically and financially it might help.

How much equity do you have in your house? If you got half of this in a split could you buy something smaller for you and the kids? would that take the pressure off you to find a job immediately? Remember that an army pension could be worth a huge sum and you would potentially also be entitled to half of that in a split. A solicitor would be able to advise.

Then if you do decide to leave him it's probably best to try to keep things as amicable as possible so that the solicitors don't take too much of a chunk.

Could you move back closer to your family? Would you get support from them to start afresh and put down some stronger roots?

It's obvious from your way of writing that you have life skills. Its hard to comment on whether you would be able to find a new career
but from what you've said you're going about it the right way.

I'm certain you deserve more and your life can be better than you describe it now. Good luck.

Hi. I just wanted to say you're not a failure and you're not pathetic or any of the other awful things you think about yourself. You've sustained yourself and your children while dealing with this terrible pain and secret you're carrying around. This makes you a strong, surviving person.

You're also only 40, the same age as me, and I consider myself young! I don't want to minimise the really tough job situation at the moment, it IS really hard to find anything - it's not that something's wrong with you. But doing voluntary work is a really good idea to build a CV, as is agency work, even though the pay can be dire.

Maybe the potential move next year is a good target for you to aim towards for when to make a break. You can spend the next months preparing yourself. Please take the advice of the other posters regarding legal and benefits advice. Planning can give you a sense of control over your future.

I really want you to try and find the huge strength you need to leave your husband. I've seen my own mother suffer and never leave, and I've been through a terrible relationship myself and been able to go. I'm thankful every day that I did. It seems impossible, that it will literally kill you, but it can be done. You can do it.

OP, you are not alone in living like this. A good friend of mine found out that her DH of 15 years was cheating elaborately and she can no longer believe a word he says. Still she stays with him despite knowing that she has been lied to many times about his whereabouts etc. She doesn't earn and he earns £££s also they have younger DC than you. She no longer loves him and is working up to leaving but she doesn't trust him to do the decent thing on separation/divorce. Until then she keeps spending the ££ and enjoys (as much as she can) living in a gorgeous house and going on super holidays etc. and she thinking of getting a new car. She has seen a solicitor and a counsellor (for her self-esteem), would you consider that? It has helped her to remember the person she used to be.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

You have solid grounds for divorce.
The family courts primary concern will be ensuring your DCs are provided for.
Your DH will have to pay maintenance in addition to a lump sum settlement.

If you are in an area of the UK with a military presence the local solicitors will understand the military salary/ pension issues. Get on the phone on Monday and start finding someone to talk to. Make sure you find someone you like and who inspires confidence in you.

This is a very heartfelt post and everyone has said the right thing- you must get some decent legal advice to see where you stand.

The worst worst case scenario will be you end up in the UK in rental, I live in rental, it's not so bad! Benefits are there to give you a step up which is exactly what you need in this situation.

It is also worth thinking about the effect on the children, are they your husbands? It isn't clear from your posts. If he is sneaking out that often and that blatently (coming in 7am) then surely they are also going to notice something, if they get up in the night or come in late themselves, or even find the evidence?

I think moving them now, to have a fresh start is the right thing to do. If you wait, then you will be into A levels and so on. I suspect they will understand better than you think, especially if your husband has no friends and you do everything alone/with them.

Seeing a solicitor terrifies me for some reason but I don kind of realise I need to face up to it to get to the next step.

Can someone help me please and explain - what do I need to say/explain in my first appointment and more importantly - what do I need to find out EXACTLY??

Do I take all my photocopied stuff along.

He is a crap at anything in the house. He does next to nothing. He cannot even file away his payslips. At the start of this year I bought a new folder for this years bank statements to go into for our current a/c and at the front of it put a punched pocket for him to put his monthly payslips in. There is only Januarys in there. God knows what he does with them. I found another in the car screwed up with some tissue. Others I guess are in work.

I purposely looked for this years P60 a while back when I realised we didn't have one for last year anywhere (filed). He would have had one but I don't know if he is purposely not bringing them home or just being a lazy irresponsible shit. Probably the latter - he has checked out (a long time ago) of any household responsibilities. Most bills are in joint names or mine - so I can deal with it all when he is away on deployment - hence I get lumbered with dealing with it all - which kind of is my job really considering I have been a housewife/student.

I do have bank statements though showing his salary being paid in every month.

I cannot find anything on his pension anywhere except a little scrap of paper to say he stayed on the old pension when they had the option to switch to the new one a few years ago.

Oh, sweetheart, please, please don't give up. This man is a sex addict and would need his fixes even if you were a supermodel with the sexual prowess of a geisha. It has nothing to do with how you look or behave in or out of the bedroom - he is an addict. All you have to do right now is keep breathing. You have opened up to us and we are listening. We understand (and some of us have been there; maybe not in duplicate, but we've suffered like you; hurt like you; been betrayed like you; and felt our world was ending on an excruciatingly shameful note). This does not have to be the sum of your life. Go and find financial help/advice. Empower yourself with knowledge about where you stand. For today you just need to breath and stop hurting yourself with irrational thoughts about your being a failure.

He is a failure as a human being. There is contentment to be found if you just put one foot in front of the other - away from him

Angel: my Dad was in the Army and my parents split up when Mum was in her mid-forties. She had very little work-experience (think working in a school kitchen in Germany, a part-time job in the NAAFI) nothing like previous experience in a bank or anything like that. When they divorced she had the clothes she stood up in and my 12 year old sister to take care of.

She found full-time work with a pension, bought a flat, ran a car and had a modest foreign holiday every year. Oh, and she had thirty grand in cash in the bank when she died.

Make sure you know where these saving of yours are and that you can get access to them. While your kids are dependents your filthy scumbag twat of a husband will have to pay you child-support. For two kids I believe that it will be 25% of his salary. As he's military there will be no evading it. Also, it's not taken into consideration should you need to apply for benefits until you get on your feet. Plus you will be entitled to a percentage of his pension. And a percentage of his gratuity when he's discharged.

Gird your loins and start making plans. You are not tied to any part of the country so the world is your oyster. See if you can think of a part of the country where rents aren't sky-high but there are jobs available.

You have given up your career and pension to enable his, you may well get spousal support for a while, as well as child maintenance and a share of the pension and the savings. You need to see a decent divorce solicitor. He wouldn't have that nice big fat pension without you giving up your career to support him, travel and look after his children. But you should leave, if you are only 40 it's plenty of time to find yourself again and be happy rather than living the way that you are at the moment.

OP, you've just been apart from your bastard husband for a fortnight with the children. You can do that again for three weeks, four, five, six; four months, six months. Do you see? It isn't terrifying when you take baby steps. It can be done and thousands of women escape useless pricks like your husband every year. Thousands. You are not alone.

OP I've PMd you (I think I pressed send a few times so delete multiple messages!)

Bitter, what a fabulously encouraging post

Love, I'm divorcing my ex for screwing prostitutes our entire relationship. Not my fault! Nor is this yours. We happen to have married arseholes - bad luck is all it is!

And yeah, I stayed for a while too. It can be hard practically to go - especially with kids involved.

First up, is that £50k in your name watertight? He can't get at it? If not, try to make sure it is.

That there is enough for a rental deposit, and £2K a month to live on for FOUR YEARS. You'll get a job in that time. Far less.

Go to a solicitor this week. Good news re forces is I doubt he can hide his income! Or pension.

You don't need a military specialist just yet, if at all. Don't make that a stumbling block, just go and see a family lawyer and start to understand your position.

Beating yourself up about being a bad wife (you're not) or staying this long simply isn't helpful. Look forward.

You will feel lighter than air when this is done, I promise you.

Dont worry about what to take to a solicitors appointment, just go and tell them what has happened so far, and they will advise you on the next steps. Hopefully they will give you a free preliminary consultation.

I have recently supported a close friend through a divorce. She was so, so relieved when she actually made the decision and took the first step. Just opening up to the solicitor was a huge weight off her shoulders.

possibly seeing a solicitor terrifies you because it is the first big step. And it is because you will be talking to strangers about something you have held so close and tight for so long.

You've told us and we will help you. The sky hasn't fallen on your head, no one is judging you, and we all want to see you in a better place.

Now you will find a solicitor and they WILL help you. They won't judge you and they will want to see you in a better place - that is what they do.

I had my first child at 40!! And then I had another, and then I left XP. Believe me you are young - you might feel old down to your circumstances, but these are going to change now. And you are going to start to feel a whole lot younger.

Please don't write yourself off for a second longer.

I'm not convinced you need a solicitor with expertise in military pensions.

Pension is pension, and the solicitors advertising themselves as military experts would be acting for your husband. They offer discount iirc.

All you need is a good solicitor with good results in larger value divorces. This is what yours will be. He earns £££ and has done while you stayed at home. You are entitled to a good portion of that, and of his pension, because you stayed with him looking after the kids.

Don't sell yourself short.

If you can't get recommendations, look for the biggest, most successful firm of solicitors close to you and phone them. Ask if they have experience of a high value divorce and if they do a free half hour.

Start saving up yourself somewhere for an amount of getaway money, and get copies of important papers, his financial records too.

You can do this, and btw, though it's obvious and doesn't need mentioning, this is HIS FAULT not yours. No way is this your doing. Do you think he would be respected on base if it came to light? I don't think so.

Chin up, do it.

I'm having a little fantasy of the OP clearing out that fifyy grand in savings and renting a little house for herself and the kids. Somewhere not too far from her family.

OP: you could pack and be away from him in 24 hours!

Hi OP, I'm a military wife. I have no knowledge on the logistics or legal side of splitting up with someone but from a military wife's perspective......

You have spent the last 10+ years sacrificing your wants and needs for your husbands career. You have looked after the kids and home single handedly whilst he's on deployment. You have dealt with endless emergencies whilst he's been away (why does the car awl break down when they are away?!) You have upped and moved countless times. You have left friends and family behind many many times and found new friends at each new base. You have put up with all the military crap even though you didn't sign up to serve queen and country. You have done all this because you are STRONG and bloody AMAZING. Being a forces wife/husband is hard and not a position anyone truly understands unless you have been there yourself.

So you ARE strong enough to start again (how many times have you already done it?) And you DO deserve to look after your happiness and priorities for a change instead of focusing on a shit-of-a-husband who has treated you horrendously after everything you have done for him.

Kick him to the curb OP. You CAN do it. You are so much stronger than you realise.

X

Right. First you need to read this www.gov.uk/government/publications/armed-forces-pensions-on-divorce-and-dissolution-of-civil-partnerships/guidance-and-information

He is almost certainly on AFPS75 (hardly anyone transferred to AFPS05) but next year his pension will change to 15. He will keep the benefits he has accrued on 75. In very short terms you are 'entitled' to his gratuity divided by 22 (years) times half the amount of years you have been married. For eg if his gratuity was £22k and you were married for 20 years you would be entitled to 10k of it. Same for his monthly pension.

If you divorced whilst he was still serving the CSA can take monthly payments at source and he can't fight it.

You can tell his Families Officer what has been going on and he can be ordered to go into single accn. Firstly for a 3 month 'cooling off' period, then for an official 3 months separation period. That gives you 6 months to find somewhere to live. The Families officer or RAO can give you a 'certificate of impending homelessness' (an official document) that you can take to the council/LHA to get you on the housing list.

If you can't get anywhere straight away (and some councils make you wait until you are actually homeless you can go to the Cotswold Centre (with DC) and be rehomed from there.

If he is shagging around then he is actually breaking the Service code of conduct which he can be disciplined for. The AGAI 67 Admin Action process has a chapter solely devoted to 'social misconduct'. Helps if you know who he is shagging.

That's enough for now. I'm not actually at work any more, but can still get my hands on stuff if you want.

I wish you all the best. I hate men like this. Service Wives are the backbone of what we do and wankers like your husband ruin it for everyone.

wow what great advice from Eve that you can act on straight away. He can be gone really soon and you don't even have to move!!!

Thank you again.

I am feeling a little bit like I may be able to do something. I need to go now and spend some time with my DD who is asking if I want to watch Casualty with her (recorded).

I will be back because I will need another kick up the bum.

But thank you so much all of you. I am actually properly considering phoning a solicitor on Monday. Believe me - this is progress.

I will be back in a bit.

Eve - Thank you!!! Great to have some solid facts.

I don't have much advice to offer, but wanted to send .

Not in the same league, but I left my ex and started a new life as a single parent and it was definitely the best decision I ever made.

This man has made you feel like you're the one who's failed, which is so wrong. Would it be an idea to hang on a little longer, and just not move when he is redeployed? That way your DCs can continue their education in the same place, without anyone realising there's an issue. Then you just never get back together. You would be entitled to a share of his assets and pension (a friend of mine was recently awarded 60% of her ex's pension) because you have been a SAHM.

Please try not to worry and, as lots of others have said, go to see a solicitor to see what you're entitled to. I'm sure you won't be the first person to turn up not knowing what to expect.