I can't believe this is actually my life.

[TheCheatersWife]

I am a regular and I recently posted under another user name on another thread about the absolute farce that is my marriage. Peoples reactions made me realise that I really am in the most unbelievable and farcical marriage ever and I really do need to grow a back bone and do something about it. However, my self esteem is non existant and I am so ashamed that not only find myself in this situation but that I am guilty of staying in it, purely because I am too scared to leave. I just don't have the balls.

People on that other thread suggested I start my own. Its taken me a week or so to pluck up the courage to do so and I am not even sure what I want from doing so but here goes...... I will start with putting what I put elsewhere because typing it out is hard to do/admit and take it from there.

My life is just one total massive farce. Nothing is really what it seems from the outside.

My "lovely" and "doting" husband has been cheating on me since at least 2005, and probably before that.

He fucks random people he meets over the internet. He has a false name and false persona for doing this - so the people he fucks actually have no idea who he really is, where he comes from etc.

I first found out in 2008. I decided to stay with him and try again. The fact is after about a year I lost my self respect because I was so pathetic to stay with him. Over the following few years I realised I lost all respect for him too. I am utterly sad and miserable. We have not had sex in about 15 months and before that it was rare and sporadic as I have no idea who he has been with and am terrified of picking up an STI.

In January this year I found out for sure he was definatly still having sex with ... well I dont know who - just holes. He is so clever at keeping his secrets I dont even know if its other women, I have recently wondered if he is into gay sex purely based on the fact he is so secretive. I also wonder if it is Dogging or worse just because of his levels of deceit and secrecy. His Dad was dying at the same time so I didnt kick him into touch and leave - I just stayed. We had a brief discussion where he came up with 3 options to reslove the situation.

1. Stay together as man and wife but shag. (however he refuses to discuss exactly what it is he has been upto/who with etc. so why would I sleep with him and how can I move on mentally with no real apology discussion)

2. carry on as we are and he gets to shag/carry on with whatever he is doing. I get to carry on being a doormat.

3. Split - but he does not want this and I frankly am filled with fear on how to do this and just find myself just too scared to leave.

He kept saying to me on the rare occasions he was home (between training courses/compassionate leave with his family up north)that we would sit down and have a proper chat to "work it all out", but that conversation has never been forthcoming. I have tried to start it a few times but we just go around in the same old circles - he refusing to discuss what he has don't/been etc.

Since January we have not slept in the same bed. He sleeps on the settee downstairs and I in what was our bed. My self esteem is on the floor. I hate myself for not wanting sex. I have no desire. I know this is not normal at 40.

Day to day we rub along as normal although I find it harder and harder to even speak to him. I cannot leave. I have been a housewife for 18 years following him around the world with his Service career. I have spent my years being a mum and obviously a pretty useless wife.

I am so lonely. Surrounded by friends of a similar age celebrating 20/25 years of marriage or young happy newly weds on our married quarter patch. My family is 250 miles away. I have nowhere to go. We have moved house so many times, nowhere feels like home anymore. I literally have nowhere to go and no way of supporting myself.

I cant tell anyone in RL whats going on. I do everything on my own as he refuses to socialise with anyone - why should he waste time on friends and his wife when he could be arranging his next opportunity to get cock deep inside someone off the internet.

I have just come home after 2 weeks away on holiday just me and my 2 teen DC and feel so sad and trapped.

I cant tell anyone the truth because as much as I am ashamed and embarrassed of what he does, I am disgusted at myself for staying and embarrassed to tell anyone he does this because I failed sexually as his wife.

I adore my kids. They are all I live for. I have often considered just dissapearring (i even planned once a very elaborate plan to run away and start again under a new persona/identity) but couldnt leave my kids. Suicide is something that I consider frequently but dont want my kids to think I left them deliberately.

So this is it. This is my lonely little life. I just stay because I am too much of a spinelss bitch to actually leave. I resent the fact that if I leave him I will have a destitute life on benefits whilst he will carryon with his very successful career earning ££££ and be totally unaffected. I cant get a job. 4 years of trying, 2 years of college course and no one will touch me. I dont know where to go to live. My kids would be devastated its GCSE time for them. Its just all too much - so I just stay and keep getting humiliated every time he comes home and says "I need to work away again tomorrow".

My life as far as actually living is over.

EveDallasRetd: I love you and I hope TheCheatersWife does, too!

Knowledge is power!

Service Wives are the backbone of what we do and wankers like your husband ruin it for everyone.

I just fell a little bit in love with you Eve

Just seen about you being scared of seeing a solicitor. If you can find a female solicitor specialising in family law that should make it an easier experience. In the beginning you might even get a free consultation before you decide whether or not you want to proceed. You don't have to do anything until you are comfortable.

You have strength and stamina from being a forces wife: and you are brilliant at packing up and leaving and starting again in a new place.

You should have an sti check. That will set one set of worries in its correct place.

Then go to your local citizens advice bureau.
They may be able to tell you which local solicitors deal with the military. You may get the first hour or so free. They may also be able to provide advice on other stuff free.

I am military, you will be entitled to 50% of however many years worth of pension he has accrued whilst you have been married.

He will not be able to get away with not paying maintenance etc because the money can be removed at source from his pay packet if he defaults.

You will be able to stay in the quarter for a certain length of time following a split (I think it's about 3 months) but then you have to leave - the quarter remains his financial responsibility as far as I am aware.

Speak to the hive, and ssafa as soon as you can - they have heard worse than you so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed - their job is to help and to signpost you to help.

YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. You are not a doormat, or any other of the things you have said - you just happen to be married to an utter wanker.
You have reached the point where you are ready to say "no more", so start making those baby steps now - it may seem very daunting, but remember that you've moved round the world and coped on your own for a long time now, you can do anything you set your mind to.

Lots of good advice from posters re financial exit plans etc, I have no clue about all that sort of thing, but I have seen expertise of all kinds across mn so you should never be alone with all that. You will be fine - you have years of your life left, don't waste them with this man, he is not worth any more from you.

Best of luck with everything - sending you hugs and

Hi there saw you were asking about what to take to solicitors.

I'm in the throes of a very acrimonious divorce: but I stress it doesn't have to be that way - most people have very straightforward divorces where all is agreed and processed with as minimum fuss as possible. The costs are significantly lower this way - can be as little as 400 ish pounds, I think if you do it yourselves.

If he wants a divorce as well, then it's likely that he'll go along with the process. I should warn you that if you divorce him for adultery, which he needs to admit, it must have happened in the last six months. Alternatively, you can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. I should warn you - he can also divorce you for this (despite the fact you are undoubtedly lovely and reasonable). It is just the process. If you can divorce him for adultery (no one needs to be named) - he covers the court costs . If you divorce him for UB (you do).

Don't be scared to do a bit of 'solicitor' shopping - many offer free initial appointments of half hour or so. Book say three each week, until you find one who you feel comfortable working with: after all they are going to learn A LOT about you, so you want to be comfortable with them. For me, I wanted a woman solicitor so selected on that basis. I also wanted someone who understood my more unusual circumstances, so that helped me select. As it was, the first solicitor I saw was exactly the kind of woman I wanted to work with!

When you make your first appointment, they will ask your full name, date of birth, and name of your husband and his date of birth: this is to check they haven't previously given advice to him: if so they can't represent you. They will also ask for a 'safe' way of communicating with you. Thankfully as my husband had left home, this wasn't a problem, but if he's likely to open your mail, read your emails, check your phone, answer the landline, think about how to protect yourself from him knowing initially.

For your first appointment:

• any paperwork that relates to assets/income/debt/pension with your name on but not his alone. However, it may be that he left some stuff lying around on the mantlepiece that you have knowledge of so you can talk to your solicitor about any incidental knowledge. Don't worry if you don't have much. But don't take doc's in his name only!!

• s/he will also ask you about why you want to divorce, when you got together as well as when you got married. You'll be required to talk through where you've lived together, dates of moves etc so build up a picture of your lives together, ages and DOBs of all of you. He has to disclose his finances as part of the process (Form E) later in the process so you get to learn all that then.

• have a think about how you would like your post-life to look like - where would you want to live? Near your parents? What kind of income do you think you'll need to survive? What kind of part-time/full time work would you like to do (don't worry if you think - I'm good for nothing, you're not, you may require a period of training or college course).

• ask your solicitor what he expects you'll get by way of settlement. This will be a rough guide, and then you can look into what tax credits etc you'll be entitled to. I suspect, you'll find you're not as badly off as you imagine.

These will help the solicitor give you an idea of what your financial position/life will be like post-divorce.

Pension entitlements are slightly different for military pensions.

• marriage certificate. If you don't have a copy, order one it is different processes depending on where you married. Cost around 25 pounds usually. You don't need this for a first appt.

Seeing a solicitor is not the same as getting a divorce. The former gives you an idea of what your post-divorce life will be like, the latter is a guarantee of freedom.

Getting a divorce is not a difficult process, unless you/he want to make it one. It takes around 6 months if you don't fall out about settlements and go the court route.

Divorce is NOT about who did what to whom, it is about making arrangements for your housing (I assume you'll have to leave your current place), making arrangements for your children and sorting out the finances. It is a legal process not an emotional one.

I read 'Family Law Made Simple' by Gordon & Slater (it's available on Kindle as well as paperback) to help me understand all the different options and procedures. It takes away some of the fear of it all and talks to you about how the process does not discriminate against SAHP, how child arrangements can work, etc, etc.

If you decide to proceed to divorce, get yourself a counsellor so each week you can talk through the wide-range for fears/difficulties/challenges you face.

And as for your self esteem: that'll increase as you learn to be independent: your life is downtrodden by him. As soon as you go it alone, you'll start to find the old you comes back. Welcome her with open arms - you deserve a lot better.

Divorce is not failure, it is not the end of the world, it's just the end of a shit marriage. You deserve a lot of happiness - and the sooner you end your marriage, the sooner you can find some happiness.

Take care, I hope that helps.

HA HA sounds like he is in the shit with his job too, if you do take it further(which you should).

X-post with a much more informative post from Eve!

PS Don't be afraid of crying your heart out! I did! They are used to it.

The Citizens Advice Bureau would be a good first port of call. They offer very useful advice on separation/divorce and can tell you what benefits you would be entitled to and advise you about housing. They should also be able to tell you which local solicitors specialise in family law and those who offer free or fixed fee initial appointments. Chatting to a CAB adviser could clarify the issues that you want to discuss with a solicitor.

I think you should you plan this operation like a military one! Think strategically and start making plans, but don't give him any clues about what you are up to whilst you gather all the paperwork and information you need.

Maybe you could get some self-help books from the local library to help build up your confidence again?

Wishing you the very best.

I read your original thread and although I was shocked at what I was reading I could really sense your anger and that's a good thing!! You aren't despondent, you are angry and you should turn that anger into something positive!! I think you've got far more courage and strength in you than you think you have. I sense a fighting spirit in you and that means you are ready to take the very daunting step of saying 'Enough is enough!'

About 18 months ago I went to visit my sister and completely out the blue she told me that she was leaving her partner. They weren't married but had been together for 10 years and had two children together (aged 4 and 7). I was absolutely gobsmacked as from the outside they seemed such a normal, happy couple. She then went on to tell me that he'd been cheating on her for years and he took the children with him when he went to meet his other women and then made them lie to their mom about where they'd been. He was withholding money from my sister to the point where they were in thousands of pounds of debt and she had been going without proper meals for months on end, as had the children. There was a lot of financial and emotional abuse going on and I also gave my suspicions he may have been violent to her. Social services also got involved due to disclosures her son made at school and it all got very, very horrible. My sister said she had stayed with him for the sake of the children and also because she was too embarrassed to have anyone find out what was going on behind closed doors.

She made the break, she just took the children and left him. She had no rights to the house and hardly any money. As they weren't married she had no legal right to any of his money either. When she left she had no money and nowhere to live but it was the best thing she ever, ever did.

She now rents a house, is back on track financially and has met a wonderful man. Her children were absolutely amazing, they had to change schools due to re-locating but they took it in their stride. The children are so much happier since my sister left and the improvement in their moods and behaviour is remarkable.

I'm only telling you this so you can see that there are probably women everywhere feeling just as unhappy as you and are also putting on a fake smile, living a fake life etc - you aren't alone in this.

Leaving can be very, very hard to do but what is the alternative? Do you really want this to be your life forever?

Be strong OP - do what you need to do to ensure your happiness

I was going to add that you need to see a family lawyer who is part of the Family Law Association (FLA). Many (most) family lawyers offer a free first half hour. Shop around until you find one you're comfortable with.

I actually winced when you called yourself a bitch. Wrong, wrong, WRONG. It is not you who is the bitch. He has pissed all over your years of dedication and service. He is an addict and he seems to think he's invulnerable. He's going to get a big fat SHOCK.

PLEASE stop calling yourself a bitch - and all the other awful (completely untrue) thoughts about yourself. Start turning that anger outward, where it belongs. You need to be your ally, you can't afford to be your enemy, you have a fight ahead and need your strength.

Somehow darling I think you're going to rise from this. And how! Xx

Ahem, excuse overt military imagery in my post. Not intentional, just getting in to the spirit

Hi OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but most.

I am also a military wife and live in Married Quarters with DH and DS.
I have just moved to Catterick Garrison about a year ago and will be here for another year, so if you're close by, pop me a message and I can come and hold your hand in RL.

You need to take this to the family Welfare centre immediately. There should be one on his base as there is on all of them. Speak to the Welfare officer confidentially. They will bend over backwards for you. They will also pay for your removals back home and your husband will be punished accordingly. (promotion ban, loss of rank and/or charges) The military takes cheating very very serious, they also take the families welfare very very serious.

Secondly, phone The Royal British Legion. They will get you back home and pay any charges (bond, rent upfront etc) for a house you want to rent back where your family live. If that is what you want. They will also buy any furniture you need.

You need to get away from this evil, life sucking twat man! He will never ever change. You have put up with enough. Escape from this life of misery and take full control of your life, for yourself and your DC. You can find the strength.

Please follow my advice with regards to the Welfare service and the RBL. They will take all measures to help you. I promise.

Excuse my typo's, I am tired and using my shitty phone.

What a horrible man. But I don't personally see why he should lose his rank, have a ban on promotion and maybe face charges from the military (shaggers in civvy street don't). If your marriage is over (and it sounds very much as though it is) is there any point in destabilising his career? What purpose would that serve? Won't that mean less maintenance for you/your son? And a potentially angry and bitter ex husband. With whom you will have to deal as your children will still have a relationship with their dad. You don't need any further hassle with him. You just need this bit of your life to be over.

I wouldn't bother trying to find out where he goes at night. It doesn't matter. You deserve better.

But yes yes yes to finding a good solicitor and seeing this through.

I'm a military wife too and wanted to send a hug and some specific advice. Firstly please don't blame yourself. What a vile man.

Please speak to the families officer or the padre. It helps to have them aware of what's going on. Usually the man has to leave the quarter and the family can stay for 90 days. You will be given support to find somewhere to live. Often after that time if you haven't got anywhere, you will be moved to a families centre (there's one in Corsham) where there's lots of support to get into your own home and help to get jobs etc.

There is also a free legal clinic on most bases where solicitors will know about military finances and what you're going through.

You can work. Don't be disheartened because you've lost confidence. There are heaps of organisations that will give you free CV advice etc. Pick up a copy of this months AFF magazine (even if your DH is not army) from your Hive. There is a lot of information in there about military spouses and getting back into work, free courses, mentoring etc.

You are going to be ok. The help is there. Please use everything available and build the life you deserve.

"Someone kindly PM'd me the other week when I first posted about this for the first time advising me to find a solicitor who specialises in the Forces Pension - however, I cannot find anyone. The few I have found seem to aim themselves at defending the service member and their pension from wives like me, after a fair share of it."

That may be how they market themselves, but that doesn't mean they won't be useful to you. If they know how to defend them, then they know how to attack them. They will know all the ins-and-outs of that particular situation. If you're their client, they should want to advocate for you to the max.

OP - it sounds like it would be a very good idea to get evidence of his (disgustingly frequent) cheating.

That way you can force him to accept divorce on the grounds of adultery (he is never going to admit it otherwise is he?), which means he has to cover the costs (according to the other poster). Whilst you'd have to get evidence within six months, I think it would help your case if you could prove that it was a long standing issue. It certainly would help if you decide to dob him in to his workplace. And I don't see why you shouldn't - he has treated you worse than dirt.

Polonium - He is military. He went into a military career knowing that there were rules on conduct. It's pointless to cry over the fact that civvies don't have to live by the same rules.

A life on benefits would be far better that staying with that excuse for a man. You haven't failed at anything. You get one life, take one step at a time and leave. You deserve so much more.

Polonium, there are basic rules of conduct that forces personnel are bound to - honesty, integrity and moral courage are 3 of them.

You cannot report on and lead others if you have no honesty or integrity, a large part of our role in the forces requires us to be able to have absolute trust and faith in our colleagues, subordinates and superiors - if this is lacking in a person then they are not performing as is expected of them.

You cannot compare with non-military at all imo - we are all fully aware of the consequences to dishonesty in all its forms.

OP what an awful situation he has put you in. Agree with all of the PP this is not your doing, he has failed you and your children miserably. Regarding the forces pension (I am no expert but) surely a pension is a pension? It will be a guaranteed sum based on his earnings (rather than the more common company schemes where you have a pot to buy an annuity). A good solicitor will be able to deal with this. Just be aware that in the forces you can "commute" your pension ie take a larger lump sum and then have a smaller pension. Also as his spouse should he die, you would be entitled to 50% of his pension for the rest of your life (providing you don't cohabit or remarry) and your children (whilst dependants) would get 25%. I also know that re housing, your time in military accommodation counts as "waiting time" on council lists and you can sign up to any council where you have a local connection. Typically (this used to be the case) as well if you are in military housing and he leaves, you will be able to stay, they will charge you rent. Personally I would not be inclined to move again with him, I would focus on settling with dc's. I would also as other posters have said seek legal advice. Good luck and stay strong x

I think the advice you've had on here is the best I've seen in a while

I can't improve on it except to add I lost my balls and confidence over a long marriage but they came back , not an easy journey but one I'm very glad I made - sorry came back once he left !

Hi this situation is slightly different than yours but il tell you anyway

My granny left her husband in her 60's after 40+ years of marriage (he wasn't a nice man)

She was so shit scared before and then at first because she had spent her entire life (he was her first boyfriend) being a wife and mother.

A few years on she says it's the best thing she has ever done!

She's bought a little house, made a few lovely friends sees us for lunches.

She has a fantastic life now!

The reality is and she knows it sound stupid now but she said she was just going to wait for him to die, if shed done that she'd still be there now!

Anyway what I'm telling you is no matter what happens after you leave him it can't ever be worse than staying because you will be in control. It will be your life

Lots of people find themselves in situations as they creep up on them and it can be difficult to make a change early on. You've done well to get here where you know you have to start the process. As with everyone else here I agree - start researching your options as to how to get out. Could anything be worse than what you have now? P.s. you say you have savings - I assume they're as much yours as his?