I can't believe this is actually my life.

[TheCheatersWife]

I am a regular and I recently posted under another user name on another thread about the absolute farce that is my marriage. Peoples reactions made me realise that I really am in the most unbelievable and farcical marriage ever and I really do need to grow a back bone and do something about it. However, my self esteem is non existant and I am so ashamed that not only find myself in this situation but that I am guilty of staying in it, purely because I am too scared to leave. I just don't have the balls.

People on that other thread suggested I start my own. Its taken me a week or so to pluck up the courage to do so and I am not even sure what I want from doing so but here goes...... I will start with putting what I put elsewhere because typing it out is hard to do/admit and take it from there.

My life is just one total massive farce. Nothing is really what it seems from the outside.

My "lovely" and "doting" husband has been cheating on me since at least 2005, and probably before that.

He fucks random people he meets over the internet. He has a false name and false persona for doing this - so the people he fucks actually have no idea who he really is, where he comes from etc.

I first found out in 2008. I decided to stay with him and try again. The fact is after about a year I lost my self respect because I was so pathetic to stay with him. Over the following few years I realised I lost all respect for him too. I am utterly sad and miserable. We have not had sex in about 15 months and before that it was rare and sporadic as I have no idea who he has been with and am terrified of picking up an STI.

In January this year I found out for sure he was definatly still having sex with ... well I dont know who - just holes. He is so clever at keeping his secrets I dont even know if its other women, I have recently wondered if he is into gay sex purely based on the fact he is so secretive. I also wonder if it is Dogging or worse just because of his levels of deceit and secrecy. His Dad was dying at the same time so I didnt kick him into touch and leave - I just stayed. We had a brief discussion where he came up with 3 options to reslove the situation.

1. Stay together as man and wife but shag. (however he refuses to discuss exactly what it is he has been upto/who with etc. so why would I sleep with him and how can I move on mentally with no real apology discussion)

2. carry on as we are and he gets to shag/carry on with whatever he is doing. I get to carry on being a doormat.

3. Split - but he does not want this and I frankly am filled with fear on how to do this and just find myself just too scared to leave.

He kept saying to me on the rare occasions he was home (between training courses/compassionate leave with his family up north)that we would sit down and have a proper chat to "work it all out", but that conversation has never been forthcoming. I have tried to start it a few times but we just go around in the same old circles - he refusing to discuss what he has don't/been etc.

Since January we have not slept in the same bed. He sleeps on the settee downstairs and I in what was our bed. My self esteem is on the floor. I hate myself for not wanting sex. I have no desire. I know this is not normal at 40.

Day to day we rub along as normal although I find it harder and harder to even speak to him. I cannot leave. I have been a housewife for 18 years following him around the world with his Service career. I have spent my years being a mum and obviously a pretty useless wife.

I am so lonely. Surrounded by friends of a similar age celebrating 20/25 years of marriage or young happy newly weds on our married quarter patch. My family is 250 miles away. I have nowhere to go. We have moved house so many times, nowhere feels like home anymore. I literally have nowhere to go and no way of supporting myself.

I cant tell anyone in RL whats going on. I do everything on my own as he refuses to socialise with anyone - why should he waste time on friends and his wife when he could be arranging his next opportunity to get cock deep inside someone off the internet.

I have just come home after 2 weeks away on holiday just me and my 2 teen DC and feel so sad and trapped.

I cant tell anyone the truth because as much as I am ashamed and embarrassed of what he does, I am disgusted at myself for staying and embarrassed to tell anyone he does this because I failed sexually as his wife.

I adore my kids. They are all I live for. I have often considered just dissapearring (i even planned once a very elaborate plan to run away and start again under a new persona/identity) but couldnt leave my kids. Suicide is something that I consider frequently but dont want my kids to think I left them deliberately.

So this is it. This is my lonely little life. I just stay because I am too much of a spinelss bitch to actually leave. I resent the fact that if I leave him I will have a destitute life on benefits whilst he will carryon with his very successful career earning ££££ and be totally unaffected. I cant get a job. 4 years of trying, 2 years of college course and no one will touch me. I dont know where to go to live. My kids would be devastated its GCSE time for them. Its just all too much - so I just stay and keep getting humiliated every time he comes home and says "I need to work away again tomorrow".

My life as far as actually living is over.

No advice but just wanted to add my voice to the cheerleading- you can do this. This isn't your fault. He's an utter arsehole and you deserve more.

OP, don't stress too much about trying to be all Miss Marple and find all his pension details. The fact it is a forces pension means the court will be able to order him to disclose it if you decide to divorce his lying cheating disgusting arse.

You say you are scared of seeing a solicitor, but I think you need to see it as a baby step.

Seeing the solicitor and getting advice isn't the same as issuing a divorce petition. It's just getting advice, facts, getting a tiny bit of control back.

Is there nobody you can confide in in RL? Can you not just go off to wherever "home" really is and sort it all out from there rather than continue in this sham of a life?

You say your DC are teens. How old are they?

Your life as a single woman would undoubtedly be far far better than the life you have now. You know this.

Good luck.

He sounds a bit like my bil also military although he's not quite so blatant. My sympathies. You know don't you that you need to leave him? Initially I thought you should maybe wait until after gcses for your kids but j see a move might be on the cards soon anyway. Can you go see the Welfare Officer about what support you might get for kids schooling if you left and went elsewhere? Could find out as if you were just thinking for the future when he leaves? Or SAFA.

But I reckon your best bet is either somewhere you've lived where you were happy or back close to family for support.

Yes, volunteer for interest and experience but also just try jobs! Pubs not in chains often need people now as kids go back to uni likewise costa Starbucks. Marks and spencer etc need Xmas staff pretty much now. Just have a go. Even if you 'just' get a tiny tiny job it will be good for you. Try your old bank?

Others advice about solicitor very good one. Good luck

Some amazing advice here, OP. I'd just add: keep hold of that money that's in your name, for tax reasons. DON'T let him get at it. When you, hopefully, get your divorce, it will of course be taken into account, but meanwhile, use it, perhaps to get away, rent somewhere?

Brilliant advice here, I just wanted to add, OP, that I moved country and started a new career in my forties. I am in my sixties now, and 40 sounds very young to me with your whole life ahead of you.

Op, I have just read your thread with tears streaming down my face. There is excellent support and advice here. Please take it.

What an asshole!

Op, you can absolutely do this.

If you stay, imagine looking back when you're 65 and thinking you could have been gone for a quarter of a century! You are still young. There is plenty of life left for you to live happily, not like this.

Hugs and

I'm sorry I don't know how to post links, but there is a fantastic thread started by an op called keepmestrong She describes how she planned to leave her husband and she did it. She didn't initially know how to get help but found it and is building a new life. Well worth a read OP

No advice, but just also wanted to say you are strong, you can do this.

How are you doing, op (I'm not going to call you by your NN, you're more than that!)

Been thinking about you

I may be wrong but in that list of options for tolerating this intolerable marriage, were any of your present or future needs, desires or wishes mentioned? No? Thought not ...

Like how about either one can swan off into the night any time a dangerous liaison begs to be used? Oh, that would require scheduling and both parties having equal access to the joy of whatever makes you shudder. Of course you wouldn't want to do this, OP, but you see what I mean? Where is your freedom to pursue life, love and happiness? It's all about his self-obsessive search to contract something awful

I think he is abusing other people abominably too, btw - but that's not the issue here.
How he abuses YOU is the issue.

I'm glad you've reached a point of being ready to leave this untenable situation. What saddens me is the huge amount of self loathing in your writing. Now that you've written it down and seen supportive responses perhaps this will diminish. You'll make better plans if you're loathing him instead!

Others are better at practical advice, but I am soooo willing you out of there! Would you consider totally moving away to somewhere unsullied by his presence? Nearer your own family maybe?

You definitely need legal advice asap. It's kind of cool that all the savings are in your name. I'm not suggesting anything devious or ethically wrong, it's just a rare treat to see that in some ways you start with the upper hand. Very cool given how low you feel ...

Things are going to get better. You are going to make them better. And you know what? Don't be put off doing anything by GCSE's or anything else.

Someone up-thread made the excellent point that solicitors with knowledge in the area of protecting forces pensions will also have knowledge of how to attack one.

Another thing that occurs to me, and I apologise if my understanding is wrong, is that if those SHL's with expertise in protecting forces pensions have previously given you advice they are then unable to give advice to your husband due to a conflict of interests. If I've got that right then it might be in your interests to get free consultations with as many solicitors with specialist knowledge as possible

He is a sex addict who needs help but that's up to him . If You have 50 k you can surely leave and go live near your family ? Surrounding yourself with normal people will change your views about yourself and empower you .