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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you think of these texts?

110 replies

vidalsasssoon · 06/09/2014 19:06

Prompted by another thread, do you think these messages from a man to a woman are flirty/inappropriate when the man is married:

‘you’re going to get me in trouble one day!’
‘you can boss me about whenever you want’
‘Thanks for the nice view earlier Wink When are we seeing you again?’
‘That's ok but you owe me now, i can think of a good way for you to pay me back Wink ’

They weren't all in one conversation, over a few weeks. I know can’t say for sure without context but what would you assume about the relationship between the sender and receiver?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 09/09/2014 07:17

If he belonged to me then he wouldn't be texting her again. A bit hard to text when your Samsung Galaxy is wedged up your hoop.

Hmm
SnookyPooky · 09/09/2014 07:28

IMO this is how it starts. I've had some messages like this recently on Skype and text from a male colleague. He has made it clear what he wants.

Theoldhag · 09/09/2014 09:32

Don't buy into his script op, stand your ground.

He is lying to you.

If he persists the woman colleague could have him disciplined for sexual harassment, he could lose his job.

tinks4 · 09/09/2014 10:09

Sorry to hear your DH has sent those texts.

It could well just be banter, it may have started as banter and progressed to intent. Unless he admits to intent it may well be a case of you never know what he was thinking when he texted her as you clearly have doubts that he is telling the truth when he says it is banter.

Like previous posters I know men who have texted/said similar things and I don't know of any who wouldn't have taken the opportunity if they had been given the green light. Your DH has instigated the texts, he hasn't just been bantering back, that to me suggests a certain amount of intent.

You may think your DH wouldn't do that, but not all men who cheat are obvious ones. There will be a side to the man that the wife won't see and won't know. He will seem to her like a decent faithful man until she finds a text or something and then starts to wonder.

I am not saying he is having an affair, but he is at the very least thinking about another woman in a sexual way and by letting this woman know that by his texts it is not harmless and very hurtful to you. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.

HampshireBoy · 09/09/2014 11:24

Like previous posters I know men who have texted/said similar things and I don't know of any who wouldn't have taken the opportunity if they had been given the green light. Your DH has instigated the texts, he hasn't just been bantering back, that to me suggests a certain amount of intent.

As a man I have female friends and workmates that I could send messages 1 and 2 to without either of us thinking it was anything other than banter and a couple that I could send #4 to, but I wouldn't send #4 to just anyone. The third one is the message that I don't think I'd send unless I had intentions, but we all have different levels of what we think is acceptable.

I'd say that the OP needs to make clear that she isn't happy with him sending these messages and she needs to know what is going on, calm and reasoned without accusing him of having an affair.

Vivacia · 09/09/2014 12:27

What do you think about so many posters describing this kind of communication as sleazy and creepy HampshireBoy?

wideboy26 · 09/09/2014 13:42

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.

Squidstirfry · 09/09/2014 14:02

Rape jokes now?

wideboy26 · 09/09/2014 14:15

I don't want to get into a discussion about what appears to be a sensitive issue for you, Squid, but "ask" and "rape"? Or maybe your response was in jest...

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 14:25

< ignores strange derail >

OP, I am sorry your husband has turned out to be the kind of man you didn't expect. I don't blame you for being upset. Those messages are out of order. I hate "banter"...more often than not it is a weak rationalisation for bad behaviour that a partner is supposed to just suck up without complaint.

Well, fuck that.

AdorableAbbie · 09/09/2014 14:43

He is interested with you or he wants more than friendship! so what's the replies?

Original poster
vidalsasssoon · 09/09/2014 21:55

We had another talk about it where he was less defensive, apologised and said he could see why it had upset me and would reign it in but then I asked him to see his phone again (I didn't see all the messages first time), he let me and stupidly hadn't deleted any so there were months worth on there. Lots were very mundane but there were some more flirty ones including one where he had in as many words told her he liked her breasts and one where he offered to go see her when she was working away. She had brushed that one off and not taken it as a serious offer and he claims it’s because it wasn’t but what if she had said yes? I regret ever looking now, I know it is better I know but I was happier being ignorant about all this.

He claims that he wouldn't mind me saying similar things if I was joking but is easy for him to say when I haven't. I am sure he would go mad if I actually did.

Thanks for the male perspective hampshireboy, when you say you wouldn't say it to just anyone, who would you say it to? And why do you see 3 as worse - do you mean you wouldn't make a comment on someones appearance if you didn't have any intent?

I really hate the banter thing too, people just use it as an excuse to say things they shouldn't

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 22:01

So, what now ?

You sweep it under the carpet ? I couldn't stay with a man that disrespected me, and himself, like that.

myroomisatip · 09/09/2014 22:02

Aww that is rotten. My ex was so abusive, and often flirty but even he never went that far :(

His behaviour is not acceptable.
His excuse that it was banter is not acceptable.

IMO if she was willing it would have gone further.

I dont know what I would do in your situation but I do know what I should do! That would be to end it. :( For me there really should not be any going forward after that.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2014 22:02

and bollocks would he not mind if you had been doing the same thing

Original poster
vidalsasssoon · 09/09/2014 23:10

I don't know for sure yet but he has promised to limit contact with her now and not to flirt like this with anyone again

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyCake · 09/09/2014 23:31

Do what you want but can I say I have been where you are now and it's not great understatement

I have never trusted him again, he has never given true answers and it has eaten me away

We have DC and entwined money and meh, I'm stuck and he still does what he does whilst my anxiety grows....it's a horrible existence and I would advise anyone without ties and children to run for the hills before your life is absorbed.

tinks4 · 09/09/2014 23:37

I'm sorry there were other texts as well. I can't imagine any scenario where texting another woman that you like her breasts could be considered banter. He really does owe you one heck of an apology.

AnyFucker · 10/09/2014 06:34

"limit" contact ? What does that mean ?

And why did he think he was entitled to act like this in the first place ?

No consequences for him, huh ? That's not good.

sassandfaff · 10/09/2014 07:56

I'm with anyfucker.

Limit contact! He really doesn't get what he's done, does he?

If I've learned anything from the 4/5 years I've been on here, it's only swift sharp consequences that work, and even they have limited success.

I think that's because if you're married to a dick, he doesn't stop being a dick that easily.

I would pack a bag for my dh or one for myself and separate. Even if long term I wanted to stay together.(which I wouldn't personally) I would want him spun round so fast he, a, wouldn't think this is worth it and b, I was worth holding on to, at the cost of reigning in his 'banter'

I'm furious on your behalf.

Novida · 10/09/2014 08:35

Hi Vidal- you may : may not have read my thread re staying with DH whilst son does GCSEs. That's me a year down the line from finding flirtatious texts on his phone. There were only 3 texts, but clearly there had been more as they were very familiar. Hers were breezy and girly 'great to see you too, sounds like a plan, have to go, more later ;-) xxx' which made me sick to the stomach. His were along the lines of 'you too- looking good! Tx' that really pissed me off as he is so monosyllabic in texts to me. Both implied more than just a client customer relationship. We had it all out and he was mortified at how upset I was. Said it was all stupid flirtation and ... I am still here smarting and wondering if more went on... Eats away at you and I wish I could stop it from doing so..

HampshireBoy · 10/09/2014 16:44

What do you think about so many posters describing this kind of communication as sleazy and creepy HampshireBoy?

As I said, it is sometimes hard to judge without context. I have female friends that I could say #1 or #2 or text to them without them taking it as sleazy or anything other than banter, but I wouldn't say it to someone I didn't know. In the same way as I was playing golf with my gf and another couple last week, trying to put me off a putt the other woman said "nice bum"; we all laughed and took it as banter, at another time it would be out of order.

We each are influenced by our experiences in life and judge some things differently. The key thing for me is how the OP feels about them and how her husband reacts to being asked about them, at the very least he is an idiot to not take on board that she is upset about it and apologise. At the worst there could be something going on, or he could be trying to start something.

Some people find them sleazy, some find them inappropriate, there might be some that think there is nothing wrong with any of them.

HampshireBoy · 10/09/2014 16:55

Thanks for the male perspective hampshireboy, when you say you wouldn't say it to just anyone, who would you say it to? And why do you see 3 as worse - do you mean you wouldn't make a comment on someones appearance if you didn't have any intent?

I have various female friends that I've known for years, a couple I've known over 30 years, so we know each other well and are very much in the "friend zone" having known them so long we know where the boundaries are. When you've known people a while you get to know their sense of humour, so some friends if they ask if they look ok I know I can say like Norah Batty others wouldn't find it funny. Several of the women I work with can give as good as they get and it is just workplace fun.

I can compliment a woman on her appearance without it meaning anything other than a compliment. After all we all like to be told that we look good, us men are pretty bad at noticing though.

What I meant about #3 was I'm not sure what it was a view of. I might have been influenced by other posts in assuming it was a view of something he shouldn't have seen. That is the sort of text I might send my girlfriend rather than to a colleague or friend, and I would definitely have intentions. That doesn't mean he does though.

Best of luck in sorting it out, I hope it is all innocent and you resolve it.

Original poster
vidalsasssoon · 10/09/2014 21:53

well by limit I mean no messages that aren't necessary. That is what he has promised he'll do

OP posts:
Original poster
vidalsasssoon · 11/09/2014 22:48

Think this is worse than I even thought as I am now checking his phone and today he had a 20 minute call with her. He insists there is no flirting or anything inappropriate when he talks to her, he said it was work and chatting

OP posts: