What would you think of these texts?

[vidalsasssoon]

Prompted by another thread, do you think these messages from a man to a woman are flirty/inappropriate when the man is married:

‘you’re going to get me in trouble one day!’
‘you can boss me about whenever you want’
‘Thanks for the nice view earlier When are we seeing you again?’
‘That's ok but you owe me now, i can think of a good way for you to pay me back ’

They weren't all in one conversation, over a few weeks. I know can’t say for sure without context but what would you assume about the relationship between the sender and receiver?

I have finally told him i’ve seen them and they’ve upset me he went for the ‘it’s just banter it’s what everyone is like with each other’ thing and said he meant them all jokingly and that he hadn’t done anything with her and wouldn’t have.

I asked how many other people he was sending messages like that to then if it was what everyone was like with each other and then he said no one else, just her, so doesn’t even make sense

eventually said he could see they could look bad but still didn’t think he’d done anything wrong and was annoyed that i’d looked at his messages.

Now i don’t know what do do, i know that nothing actually happened (it’s clear from some of their messages) but not so confident as I was a week ago that he wouldn’t if he had the chance. I only saw the first message by accident I wasn’t snooping or suspicious so feel stupid that I had no idea what was going on or could be

Well, I be more pissed off if he's not upset he's upset you.

Can you contact her?

I wouldn't contact her.

I can only say what I would do in this situation and that would be to sit him down and tell him that it's clearly not banter, that the texts are unacceptable and he is giving the message to this woman that he fancies her. The situation needs addressing or it will just fester and it's not fair for him to just fob you off.

How do you think he would have reacted if you had sent those messages to another man?

I would believe he does think they are just banter to him as that what they come across like, but as they were to one specific woman and by texts which are a private means of communication, that is the part that takes it out of the 'just banter' category in reality.

I would be miffed that he however doesn't even see he has done anything wrong and is turning around and blaming you for snooping.

If he's not the serial flirty type, you say you wouldn't have expected him to be the sort to engage in that sort of 'banter' with another woman, then I'd question if you know him as well as you think.

I hope you at least receive an apology OP and an assurance it won't happen again.

He does know he is over stepping the mark and is mimilising it for you.

How would he feel if he found text that you had sent to a male collegue like this?

Be very careful my dh did this years ago and fobbed me off. He was not the type you would expect and he has just had an affair.

I agree. After being with my ex who fobbed off similar sounding communications as being 'banter' or 'aren't I allowed friends?' Etc etc....I would say he is showing you where his boundaries are. He is showing you how he conducts himself away from you.

I agree, it's also a wind up he is not bothered he's upset you. All part of his act to try to make it seem trivial and that you're over reacting.

I feel for you. You can't exactly ltb over a few texts but your view of him will be changed now- as will your trust.

How are you this morning? What are you thinking?

Ask him to think properly and hard about how he would feel if the texts were from you to another man.

Treat it as a joke. Tell everyone about the banter. In front of him, have a laugh about the creepy texts he's been sending, ha ha ha, what must this young woman think of him?

Disclaimer: I would not actually do this.

His reply shows that he doesn't respect you and doesn't take your feelings seriously. When you told him that his flirty texts to another woman upset you, he said "its just banter", "everyone does this" - gaslighting. I can assure you that whether I am in a relationship or not, I do not flirt with my work mates and nor do they flirt with me. And I am sure a lot of other women will say the same thing.

I agree with the gaslighting. What are you going to do now OP?

Omg!! Nothing less than apology, epic grovelling, etc and NEVER EVER doing this again is an acceptable response from your HUSBAND!

Without knowing the relationship between the two it is hard to judge but IMO the first two could be excused as banter, the second two are crossing the line if sent by a married person. I don't think it necessarily shows that he is trying to get her into bed, it could just be fun flirting with no actual intent but he needs to understand that you aren't comfortable with it. OP have you met her in RL, how was the body language if you did?

OP have you met her in RL, how was the body language if you did?

How does her body language help with interpreting his intention

How does her body language help with interpreting his intention
I was thinking, if he tried to avoid OP meeting her or she was uncomfortable on meeting OP it might give a clue as to their intentions and how far things had gone.

But it's not her intentions that are the problem. It's his.

I've met blokes in the past who think their double entendre quips are entertaining and clever, it doesnt make them cheats to be fair, just the sort of Benny Hill esque bloke that makes you roll your eyes.....

Depending on the work environment and the sort work relationship they have developed, it could be just harmless banter.
I know there are people I would be flirty with like this even though I wouldn't behave in that way in any other occasion or with other people. These people are people I'm very comfortable with and that sort of Banting has developed over time.

I think though that he has crossed a line both with you and his colleague. He has upsetted you and as such should apologise. Her responses also show he has crossed a line with her too.
As for you reading his texts, IMO the one time you are uncomfortable for your life partner to read your texts/posts is when you feel uneasy ie you gave some to hide, however innocent it is.

'just banter' my arse. He is a sleaze.

I would have said that there is a work culture of banter/flirtation, so she's responding in flirtatious tone to the lightly flirty texts. But she's not sure whether the sleazier-end-of-flirty texts are his getting carried away and overstepping boundaries or him seriously trying something on, so she's ignoring those and hoping the problem will resolve itself.

Is he just aiming for generically flirtatious and missing or is he fishing for an actual physical relationship? Hard to say without knowing him; how is he normally with judging social norms and interaction?

Imo,

they really are just banter and jokes......

and he would shag her as quick as a flash if she showed any interest at all.

Sounds like my ex-boss. We are both married.

I don't see him very often now as I am completely fed up of having to fight him off. I didn't actually realise he was like that until after I left the company. My guess is he's had a few affairs.

Sorry op, he's doing his best to get her into bed I would say.

If he belonged to me then he wouldn't be texting her again. A bit hard to text when your Samsung Galaxy is wedged up your hoop.