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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found out husband was looking at local escort websites

52 replies

Applez · 06/09/2014 13:35

Please help as I'm clueless when it come to the internet and porn.
My husband asked me to connect his iPad to the wifi, I did that and found loads of escort agencies in the local area open on the safari page reading list.

I asked him why he was looking at escorts and he said that he was looking at some porn and that they adds popped up and he clicked on them as he was 'curious' but the location setting in Safari is turned off and pop up is turned off, so is this even possible??

I tried to explain that there is a big difference between porn and escort agencies, then he took the iPad and deleted the reading list so I can't check if his story is even true, please help, I'm in shock.

OP posts:
Original poster
Applez · 06/09/2014 22:21

Am I right to assume that ads are also asked on stuff you have searched for?

OP posts:
Original poster
Applez · 06/09/2014 22:23

Based not asked sorry.

OP posts:
IUsedToUseMyHands · 06/09/2014 22:35

I have never ever had an ad for an escort pop up. Occasionally porn, but not since I left XH and got my own laptop.

WorkingGirlJem · 06/09/2014 23:10

See if you can get a look at his phones browser history. If he knows you are suspicious of what he looks at on his ipad, he may swap to looking on his phone instead.

If he is using working girls, the chances are its the same few, so memorise the sites. Pm me if you would like some help finding out if he's visited them.

I really feel for you tonight SadSad

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 06/09/2014 23:18

Obviously my STBX must have been unusual then as he had a phone for the purpose of arranging visits to WG'S.

WorkingGirlJem · 06/09/2014 23:28

I think it must be what they feel comfortable with.
I know of men playing away who actually get a high from just having a second secret phone. Who knows how their mind works Confused

EverythingCounts · 06/09/2014 23:39

I get ads coming up based on stuff I have searched for, yes. I know it's hard to do but I would try and keep quiet for a few days and give yourself time to watch what he does, look for cash withdrawals etc. You've seen now that given any warning he will get rid of evidence that puts him in a bad light.

Lushlush · 07/09/2014 05:05

Men seeing escorts is surprisingly common. I am just amazed when innocent women do not realise this. I am not condoning it or passing judgment on anyone here just stating a fact.

coolaschmoola · 07/09/2014 05:47

I have an ex who was into porn and having found a porn site open more than once I can (wish I couldn't!) confirm that down the side of various sites is the option to 'meet girls from xxxxxx for fun/sex/escorts' and our town name was there. The pictures of the women were blatantly models so I can believe that your oh clicked looking for more pics. The exes laptop didn't have the location thingy (gps?) but our town still came up so I thought it must do something with cookies or history.

I've just checked again on one of the sites he frequented (he's an ex for a reason) and in the sidebar is adverts for my local area even though my location is off.

I am not convinced that your oh is lying, he may have deleted out of embarrassment, but even if he is telling the truth there is still your position on porn to address. This still may be a deal breaker for you as it is for many people.

LickleMiss · 07/09/2014 06:41

He may not be upto something, he is probably embarrassed about the whole thing

Original poster
Applez · 07/09/2014 08:10

Thanks for the replies folks, every bit of advice helps.
I used to see this thread so often here and I always thought well I have may have some problems in my relationship but porn isn't one of them!
It's good to know at least that theses ads come up, my gut instinct is telling me that he wouldn't see an escort, but I'm still finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that he clicked on escort ads, why? Plus when I spoke to him last night his story changed from looking at ads mid wank to looking at ads after, this is what is bugging me, the inconsistently, surely the truth is the truth whatever way it happened.

OP posts:
WorkingGirlJem · 07/09/2014 08:29

Do you have online banking op?
Go look at when he withdrew cash. That would be the biggest clue for me.

Bambamboom · 07/09/2014 08:46

Men are strange aren't they? I just...don't understand why someone would do that?
Sorry to hear OP it must be very upsetting. Hope you find a solution to all this.

kaykayblue · 07/09/2014 09:15

Applez - well even if he isn't actually visiting prostitutes in the area (and I am personally not on the optimistic side of that), he clearly has such little respect for you that he doesn't even feel the need to try and prove what he has said to you, regarding something as horrific as this.

This isn't just something miniscule, this is a MASSIVE deal. And his reaction was to give you a half hearted excuse and then just delete all the evidence.

If I were you I would have the bags already packed, his mum on the phone ("oh hello MIL, I'm in the process of throwing out your son for using whores. My, didn't we raise a good one"), and my foot up his arse.

If you simply lie down and accept this, then your future doesn't look bright.

Even if it turns out that this isn't a permanent throw out (although I have no idea what he could possible do to redeem himself now), he needs to know, and see and feel and hear that this is BULLSHIT behaviour.

eachpeachpairplum · 07/09/2014 10:03

Who says he's actually up to anything?
When I was told by friends there was a massage parlour above some shops in our village that's been there for years without me realising, i was so shocked I went home and Googled it.

If my OH had asked me why I was looking at it I'd have been so embarrassed I'd have made up a crappy excuse and deleted my history too!

femin · 07/09/2014 10:25

eachpeach - So at the same time you googled multiple massage parlours where you live? Just like the OPs partner.

borisgudanov · 07/09/2014 10:53

He doesn't know enough about the internet to access a WiFi router with a tablet, but can pronounce on marketing strategies and web design for an industry he has no use for? It's all bollocks from start to finish. Call him out on it and kick his arse out.

IUsedToUseMyHands · 08/09/2014 00:29

Eachpeach surely in that situation you'd just have told the truth, i.e. that you were shocked to hear about a brothel operating in your neighbourhood and you chose to investigate. Why would you make up a different excuse? Also, if you are a straight woman, then that explanation would be absolutely plausible to your OH, so you wouldn't be in the terrible position of desperately trying to convince him of your innocence.

zippey · 08/09/2014 00:39

I would say to trust your instincts (in this case that he isn't using escorts)

However sweeping up the evidence is a red flag.

Lala83 · 08/09/2014 00:53

Hi Applez. So sorry to hear about this. What about his other behaviour? I know this is a bit nosey of me so please tell me to butt out, but I searched your user name and last year I think you were posting about his abusive behaviour and were separating? Sorry if this was someone else though, not expert at profile searching! If this WAS you, I'd see this as a flaring up of some serious disrespect and uncaring treatment on his side, especially as that was only a year ago. By the sounds of his behaviour in the past, would it be fair to say you're worried to confront him on this in case he starts throwing stuff around and getting angry? I do think having them on an ipad Reading list, not just the History of the device, is a big red flag to me and would get an STD check to be on safe side. Hope you're ok tonight x

reversecowgirl · 08/09/2014 04:27

What I would do is, draw a line under it and then just monitor what goes on over the next few months. As he has been "caught" once, check his browsing history, if it deleted on a daily basis, this could be is a sign. If money is tight, he may only use WG's sporadically, which will be difficult to spot. But just look for changes in behaviour and the way he treats you day to day.

ShinyBlackTaxiCab · 08/09/2014 23:23

Before I uncovered XH's 6 year affair and habit of hooking up online for sex with randoms, what I would have done is draw a like under it, vaguely keep an eye on him for a bit looking for changes in behaviour. What I would do now that I know better, is install key logger software on all his devices and put a voice activated recording device in his car.

IceCat · 20/01/2017 18:02

this is pretty typical for most men today sadly

yes he was looking at them, no proof of him going
even if he went to see 1 once, I'm not sure that's enough to break-up an otherwise happy coupling...

all men look at porn in 2016, some men go to prostitutes like the working girl in this thread can confirm, the very worst men have affairs behind the OHs back

Adora10 · 20/01/2017 18:10

this is pretty typical for most men today sadly

No it is not, what a fucken stupid thing to say.

Problem with porn is it leads to all other unsavoury things like web cams, escorts etc; who knows if he actually saw anyone but his reaction to you finding it is awful, sounds like the sort of man who WOULD do it, does he not even care how this has left you?

Klala · 28/08/2017 04:11

So a similar thing happen to my partner he was working away at a convention and I found a number in his phone and called it and it was a prostitute. He said he didn't meet up with her he was just curious ect and I just don't know. He come clean out other issues that I was on his tail about so I wouldn't see why he'd lie about that and tell me about other things i would of been pissed off about. But then my gut months on is still unsure. A small part of me doesn't believe it because I couldn't see any msg or anything. And she obviously said she never met up with him but she wouldn't of even known who he was.