Sister or partner. Who is behind her unpleasant behaviour to me. + red flag query

[unchangedname]

Hi guys.

Sorry I started writing this about red flags but it has become about my relationship with my sister, and whether she is instigating her attitude towards me (and my parents) or whether it is indeed her partner.

Here are my old threads:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2169105-Is-generally-not-believing-always-double-checking-a-red-flag

A bit more background:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2153440-Dont-get-on-with-future-BIL-Will-it-get-better

(Please don't reply to the latter thread though as I'm hoping it will stay buried due to some identifying details! I think traffic is higher in chat and am paranoid )

What might be a red flag sometimes only occurs to me days or even weeks later.

The latest that I would like some advice on is that they have moved into new rental accommodation for 6 months while their house purchase is going through. They moved about a month ago.

My sister is refusing to give us the landline number. This is very out of character for the old sister I used to know.

Basically, whenever he answered the phone to us in the old house it was a 'oh, you again' tone. From my sister, if we called during dinner (which was not at a fixed time so we weren't to know) we would get summarily and crossly chastised and rung off. If we accidentally called during their favourite TV show she would either answer angrily or they would simply not answer the phone.
[Old sister pre-relationship if rung during her dinner would happily have a quick chat, or very civilly we'd arrange to chat later, or just natter while she ate. Also I would always ring her landline and she would ring mine and there were no problems].

We have all been trained off the landline now and only call her mobile as a result.

She texted the new address. I replied asking for the landline and received no reply. I've never not received a text reply from her, ever. A few days later I texted to ask again and nothing. When we next spoke I asked for the landline and she said 'we've decided not to give it to anyone'. When pressed for a reason, she said 'it came free with the broadband and we didn't really want it'. I said I thought it would be good if we had it for safety reasons - we would only call it if we couldn't reach them by mobile for an alarming amount of time. She came up with a number of reasons which one by one she admitted weren't valid, and eventually got in a huff with me so I dropped it.

After an incident where she called as I was serving a dinner that I'd been cooking for my parents for 2.5h, about a pretty trivial organisational matter, and called back four times in immediate succession, which called each of us away from the table in turn for 5-10 minutes at a time, then chastised me in an email for being mean in not wanting to sort it out there and then, I was minded of what happens when we call her when they are eating dinner.

I am now confused as to whether, actually, her dislike and disrespect of me is authored by him or her. As I say in my long thread, her sense of humour became very cruel and dismissive when they got together romantically, and she lets him act however he wants around us, and has got to taking on his criticisms of us as her own, starting to corner me about things I do wrong or unlikeable traits I have, or my bad taste in TV, or how shallow and materialistic I am, or whatever. I am trying to untangle whether she has always basically looked down on us (me and my parents) a bit and his presence just sharpens it, or whether he is the author. I don't know anymore.

Our whole lives, she has pretty much made out she is the saviour sister that has put up with me, and that I have consistently been a needy, selfish, emotionally bloodsucking, errant person. I have consistently been told for the past 15 years (probably implied further back than that, as well) that I do nothing for her, am incredibly selfish and self centred, am a let-down and a worry, untrustworthy, irresponsible, self-centred etc.
She treats me more like a pet that can be wheeled out for amusement, as I suppose I am quite eccentric, a bit young-at-heart, used to have an interesting/unusual career and lead a slightly odd life. This makes me a good auntie as I can be very silly with her baby and possibly a good topic of conversation with her friends? ...I have no idea what she gets out of having me around when I reflect on how she treats me.

In a personal review of my life over the past week, I have realised she is the only one who has really had this message towards/about me and I never thought to question it.

Her partner treats me like this but his style is different - eye-rolling and passive aggressive. She is direct and rude, or analyses me under the guise of psychology, telling me my faults: 'it's actually really sad, because you're so selfish you can't see that...' 'i'm really sad, because I feel like I can't trust you to be there for me... ' etc. This latter is because six years ago she had(?) to go to the pub for drinks with a group of people, one of which was the best friend of a man she had been dating for a few months, and wanted me to go with her for emotional support. I was in a pretty bad place, hadn't left my house for months, but even so would have gone had I realised what a big deal it was to her and that it'd be brought up every few months for the next several years ('see, I know I can't rely on you, and that makes me sad...')

The result is I can never do enough for her. Nothing I do is good enough, no amount of gestures can convince her that I am not terminally selfish, I am scared to talk to her in case I 'slip up' and 'reveal my selfishness' - accused of turning the conversation back to me, not asking about her enough. (As per my long thread, I looked after the baby day and night for four days and got accused of being 'the most selfish person in the world', and told I was only looking after him because I wanted to). I have just realised it and I am really tired of it.

I will say I have massively moved on from my old thread - I can't believe how unsure of myself I was at the start. Rereading it is what made me start to question the dynamic with my sister.

The advice I received was like water in a desert of confusion, so as I cannot discuss this with anyone in real life, nor seem to get any perspective no matter how hard I try and think it though, I would appreciate any other points of view, even if I have to be told off or visit my own culpability in this situation.

I'm not sure your family would get it at all...

I infer that your mum (if not your dad - you say less about him) is codependent on your sister: terrified to offend the tyrant whom she runs her life around. I think that's why she tried to emotionally blackmail you about the holiday. Her religion is serving, placating, seeking the good opinion of first her mother, then her daughter. So if you don't do what your sister demands it's as if you have disobeyed Jaweh. She's terrified for herself and she's terrified for you. She will do anything to get you back in the box.

You're doing so well.

Can I just take you back to those examples you gave of people being weird / hostile on the tube? This sort of thing does happen to everyone, you know. There are some angry people out there. Once I was on the tube and the woman sitting next to me stamped on my foot for no reason. I hadn't even spoken to her!

The point I'm trying to make is you're so worried there's something about you which attracts hostility - it's not the case. Your sister is very hostile and the rest - they're just random encounters with other hostile people...

Hello unchanged.

I feel so very sad reading your story. My heart goes out to you.

I recognise some of the dynamics in your family from my own. I know how it feels to be the scapegoat, the one whose life and well being are sacrificed in order to enable the status quo in the family to continue.

It's heartbreaking to see you questioning yourself and wondering if you are really to blame. From the outside, it's so blindingly obvious that you're not, but I know how it feels from the inside too, when you've been groomed to doubt yourself and see yourself in the worst possible light all your life.

I would counsel caution wrt your parents and not just your sister. I know you see them as lovely, but they are the ones who have enabled this situation, as others have said. They created your sister; she didn't create them.

When I hear you talking with such love about your nephew, it makes me wish for you that you will one day have your own child to talk so lovingly of. At the moment it sounds like you function as an appendage to their lives... You deserve to be at the centre of your own life. You are the really lovely person here. Time to start loving you!

I suspect that you will feel your mother's wrath if you try to assert yourself with your sister. If you have always appeased her this is going to be difficult as you may see a side to her you've previously not been aware of. Your mum has attempted to manipulate you into doing what she wants and that's not on. What was your dad's response to this manipulation ?

Narcissism is always a family affair. They are often created and supported by their allies. Their allies often masquerade as their victims when often they are actually they are also perpetrators of abuse . I assume you've read enough about narcissist to recognize the rages , the entitlement and the lack of empathy. Yet there are covert narcissists. They are not the typical entitled ranty know it all types we usually recognize.

Instead they are self depreciating , appearing vulnerable when in fact they are not. They are the victims who manipulate us , who triangulate and make us feel sorry for them . Bursting into tears isn't uncommon along with endless tales of being mistreated and dramatic statements of tearing families apart.. I suspect that in the long run you will have to look very carefully at everyone's role in this.

In the meantime read everything you can about it. There's some fantastic sites that are really helpful.

Re your obsequiousness etc. I used to talk endlessly, filling every gap. I knew I was doing it and I was mortally embarrassed by it but couldn't stop myself - until I realised I was talking nineteen to the dozen to stop anyone saying anything vicious: I didn't give the m the chance to speak

Anyone remember the poster who (as in this case) was very enmeshed in her sisters life? Her, her parents, everyone, was like satellites round a blazing sun - she could do no wrong; even when she had an affair with a married man it was twisted to 'how noble she is, pursuing true love' and the MMs wife and her own DH were totally ignored. (even when he ended the affair ) The op tried to get away, tried to tell her parents how wrong this was, but got so much grief from them, who did not like the idea of their family being seen as 'split', not close, that they came down on OP like a ton of bricks (you have to support your sister, you have to be happy for her (in her affair!) you have to be seen to be supporting her..... it was incredible. Not sure how that ended - I hope the OP got away with herself intact.

This case reminds me very much of that - I couldn't understand then why familes are so tightly controlled by one person in it. (the golden child) But i understand that it is hard to get out, once the situation has gone on for a long time.

Your mum is exactly like the other OPs, panicking that her close family is breaking up, desperate to do anything (and get you OP to do anything) to keep your sis happy, quiet, status quo. - While we can see that she will never be happy, things will never be enough for her.

Coming new to this thread, but what springy just said resonates so much.
I've watched family Christmas videos where I don't shut up. On and on, placating, smoothing over, making quips, keeping everything "happy".

It was so painful to see. I just wanted to say STFU woman!

I don't do that any more, I've got my anxiety levels down. Fecking hard work though.
On the upside, I now have a ready wit....

I've also struggled with how to be with people. Always nice and friendly, no, no, you go first kind of thing. I, apparently, have no needs. If i do act out of this box, which I do more and more often, I feel anxious later. What was I doing, being me, what must they think?
My family wasn't as dysfunctional as OP's, but I have a nasty piece of work for a sister (NC for nearly 4 years) and I was always the good one, the even tempered one, the one who would sort everything out, placid, good natured etc etc. did me no favours at all in life.

OP, get lots of good counselling. Courage, mon brave.

(This is so cathartic).

Blue me too! The constant need to try to keep the peace, placate, amuse etc. I've stopped now, mostly .

I think most of us who have grown up in a dysfunctional family can relate to lots of what unchanged is going through. It takes a long time to recognise, then accept, then deal with, the status quo. There is no easy, quick fix way.

Unchanged you have had a lot to digest and work through in a short period of time. Be kind to yourself.

I know I know I shouldn't have done it and believe me I won't be doing it again this whole process of changing the situation will be a series of steps forward and steps back again. That is to be expected. You will probably go through a period of grieving - mourning the loss of the sister you wanted her to be and other relations too. You will feel angry that they are not what they should be, not like other people's sisters/mother/etc. At some point, you will accept that they are what they are and you will decide how you are going to live with it all. I think counselling and assertiveness training, as mentioned by other posters, will help you with that process so I hope you can get some of that arranged for yourself. I wouldn't share that you are having counselling (if you do) with your family since they will use it as a stick to beat you with.

It is going to be hard for you to manage this dynamic whilst you live with your parents. I hope at some point you can move out of their home into your own little sanctuary. You are a lovely person. That shines through on this thread. You obviously have energy, organisational skills, creativity, a desire to do good - all the lovely things you have done for your family prove that. You mention taking up a new hobby whilst on holiday. New hobbies might be just the thing to widen your circle of people in your life.

Today's another new day. Embrace it and try to look forward.

The crucifying thing was that I did it socially! I longed to connect socially but couldn't help myself 'stopping people from being vicious'.

Agree with pp that everyone experiences outlandish situations where a random stranger 'has a go'

Op it has been a journey - sorry for the cliche, but it fits because it takes a while. As getting twisted beyond recognition, entirely divorced from self, took a while. I went on every course - still do, but the pace isn't as urgent - along with therapy. As therapists say, it is like turning an ocean liner, it takes time and isn't immediate. Though one has huge boosts sometimes, big steps forward, significant and conclusive revelation and change.

My mum has run through every manipulation to force me back to my designated place nailed to the family cross (cue family: 'you're killing our mother!' - by text, I don't see them). Quite serious illnesses. So watch out, brace yourself.

The bizarre thing is that I have 'bumped into' members of my family ie on the road - they beep and wave profusely, big excited smiles on their faces. They've lost their colostomy bag.

Hi everyone.

I just wanted to check in.

I was thinking after what some of you have observed about how things have gone in previous generations, about how far back the dynamic goes, and how my idea of normal was created.

It surfaced today, in my psyche, something about the middle of my mum's three brothers.

The eldest, 'a' is the narcissist as described in previous posts with the relationship with my grandma that mirrors that of my sister and my mum.
The youngest 'c' is the one whose family I stayed with as detailed.

And the other, 'b' is an interesting character. He has always produced massive displays of generosity, 'showed' his affection or love or whatever via gifts, and is also impulsive, a gambler, poor impulse control, incredibly moody, someone you are always on eggshells around, full of front, 'I'd kill for you, you're my blood' and actually... doesn't really want to spend any time with you, just wants to 'display'.

He is the one my parents lent the money to.

He is my mum's favourite brother (she never talks of him with anything less than unqualified adoration), and something came to me about my grandma, who as I say her kids other than eldest brother worshipped. In my early teens she had bought my sister and I two very nice gifts, and asked me to choose which I wanted as my sister was coming home later. I said I didn't mind and to let her choose, and she said glowingly to my mum 'just like uncle b'. My mum was made up about that.

Basically I wondered if I have been trying to occupy the role of uncle b. So the laws of family are in place (you are unquestioningly caretaking to a fault) and the laws of pleasing my mum (and by consequence my dad) are in place.
Hence began the hamster wheel, endless, and perhaps some masochistic part of oneself enjoys the endlessness of it, of pouring my time and brainspace into making everything perfect for my family. This leaked into my friendships too, always anticipating needs and wants, perhaps even down to who they expected me to be/role to be played.

I was fixing something on my dad's computer and something just made me go back to that email I copy-pasted upthread. I hadn't seen it for 3 years till I unearthed it for the thread, and in my memory, as I'd started to type the post, I only remembered the shower thing and the loud music. So much had my mum minimised it, I mean she chats with that brother twice a week, speaks to his wife frequently, still chats to her niece and nephew and sends them pretty significant cash on every birthday; a lot of 'why can't you just let go of it'; plus they are invited to my sister's wedding next year; plus they had invited themselves for a visit this summer, of course my mum said yes (luckily they decided not to) - I thought, I must have imagined it, it can't have been that bad, all the above 'I am a horrible person so must have done lots of things to deserve it without realising' (that was another thing re. the ASD - maybe I am 'difficult to live with' and it let me off the hook for not being 'responsible' for that) -
anyway, something just made me call my mum and dad in and I said, and in a way I'm cross with myself for feeling like I had to explain myself, but I said - I went over what I had done on their visits, and then said I want you to understand how I feel about this, and read them the whole email.
(Mum was very uncomfortable, she said 'I've read it' [as I'd copied her in on it originally, so three years ago too], tried to make an excuse to go, but I said it's just a few lines, won't take a minute').

It was very odd, I started to violently sob (!) as soon as I started on the list proper, peaking in the middle of the list! And tapering towards the end of the email . It was like a physical reaction.

I said, I am an adult, and I have, if I have earned nothing else, earned at least the right to decide who gets to treat me and how, and what I will take from another human being, I don't care if they are a stranger on the other side of the world or I shared a womb with them.

There was a long pause and then mum asked me to help fill out her car parking permit form (!) This is what she does though, she will never show she was emotionally affected by anything I've said, but I'm sure she will take it in.

I sound pathetic, early-mid thirties and still needing to make speeches to my parents about personal boundaries. I should just have the boundary, preferably the own dwelling, and have no need for the speech!

But I really think I've been dealing with things well.

The baby skyped at around 5-6 and my dad was trying to get me to join the convo but I didn't want to. I could hear him giggling and thought what a terrible person I was being but I came back in here, closed the door and reread some of the thread and felt a lot better.

As much as I love the baby, since my first long thread I have - not been distancing myself, but trying to create a more healthy delineation.
It feels scary and bizarre. Like, there is 100% of me, and 100% of me has 100% of my time, does that make sense?
Now, if permitted, I could spend 100% of myself on the baby, or my sister, or 0% of myself on them.

I have no real internal barometer to tell me what % is correct or wise?
(this may be why I went what appears to be 'overboard' re. my family-visit-itinerary booking).

This is very like the boundary thing.

I think because of the way we have grown up, as for e.g. my parents as I say literally giving a vast chunk of their savings to uncle without really a second thought, the broad impression that there was no limit as to the appropriate amount to do for someone, I have just gone with 100% as at least, as springy says, I have protected myself from attack.

If my mum asks me to go upstairs and find something and I can't, I wait there for a little while, dreading going downstairs as I know I will be told off for 'not seeing it'. Not nastily, just exasperatedly.

So I would rather do everything - 100% - so that I am protected from being indicted on charges of laziness, or selfishness

As before, no matter what I do for my sister, I always fall short. Even typing this the heart still says, unchangedname, you are bad, rotten, selfish. Sister is right. You are missing the compassionate chip, you can't quite see clearly to anticipate correctly her needs. (Another reason ASD diagnosis was helpful to me, as I thought it might explain to her that perhaps I had some social deficit that prevented me from, as she says 'wittering on' or from correctly anticipating her needs or correctly diminishing my own).

I also wanted to report that today I walked to the post office to post a parcel. I was dreading it as usual (other people on the road, to smile, to avoid, to be thought a scary weirdo for making eye contact, to be thought the same for not, agh)

As I stepped onto the pavement I sort of thought about that little boundary image of springy, that I was a nice little house and there was nothing wrong with me, a good house with good walls, containing good, nice, normal stuff, and literally decided to clear my mind of worrying about anyone else. I knew I was okay, meant no harm, was an alright person, so just enjoy the breeze right? For the first time in a long time I had a clear headspace.

Literally a minute later I saw a mother bring her baby to the car. He looked a lot like my baby nephew! My first instinct would normally have been to cower down for fear of her thinking I was a thief or something like that but in the mode I was in I looked her right in the eye, and started cooing to the baby! I explained about my nephew and she said something about his nap and why he was in that sort of pre-fully woken up not-quite-smiley-yet phase and I told him 'you're gorgeous' and went on my way!

Then I did worry about whether it was a boy or a girl and did I say 'he' or 'she' at any point, did she actually think I was a kidnapper or a thief (sounds so ridiculous when I write it!!) and was just placating me...

Then I got over it and enjoyed the rest of my walk!!

I can also see that until there are other people in my life it will, on a simple practical term, be difficult to examine the other dynamics carefully (other than my sister) as one may think that something is better than nothing from within a situation, I mean to say that at the moment is is a choice of my family or no-one, and as I have been honed to shape to fit in this dynamic, I will probably very gradually need to become stronger from the inside.

In a way it is so simple to see when this happens - that intermittent but increasing feeling of knowing I'm not in the wrong, not permanently on edge, and without fear of 'getting it wrong', and that it is not okay for an adult human being to speak to oneself in a certain manner, apropos of nothing, and every time the boundary is breached and either, one does not react but 'clocks' it (whereas it would previously go unclocked but just absorbed into the fabric of identity); or, one calmly questions it to the breacher; that is what is feeling right, and novel, at the moment

On the other hand, I miss my nephew a lot, as I say hearing him giggling on Skype and really having previously been in contact with him almost every day of his life, but of course seeing him means seeing my sister and probably fBIL depending on time of day, and something about the way the call is made, and 100 times out of 100 ended by her (I have realised she gets quite uppity when I have ever ended or tried to end a phone conversation with her, she will make sure it goes on another 10 minutes or so and then end it herself!! Or challenge me on why I have to go, what exactly it is that I am doing; or imply that I am selfish for wanting to end the conversation), and the dynamic is often of us (generally me and mum) trying not to say anything that she could misconstrue as accusatory, offensive, selfish, unthoughtful... yeah it is good to write this all up. Frequently the call will end with me or mum having said or done something wrong, asked about something we shouldn't have, or failed to ask about something that we should have
And then I find myself trying to police my mum so that she doesn't offend my sister - I'll stick my head off-camera and whisper 'don't ask her that!' or suchlike - the whole process is pretty exhausting

As my mum has read it to me as 'depriving the baby' the guilt does rip through me. And I do feel I am depriving myself of him.
But the alternative means leasing out my headspace back to sister and fBIL and I just cannot do that quite yet

But as above just having the new ideas about what is acceptable and normal behaviour and what is not, means I am in a way not worried about the holiday. In fact I am much less worried than I was previous to this thread. I was feeling like a physical dread, like something that was going to walk into a bee's nest; be at the edge of a centrifuge somehow. Now I can think, 'oh, I'm going on holiday'.

Springy, do they value you more now they realise you won't take their crap (literally!) any more?

Going further upthread, Twinkle, my dad is almost obsessively nonconfrontational. He is a really lovely person, everyone loves him who meets/knows him.

When my mum said that I think his response was along the lines of 'let them decide what they want to do', sort of leave them to it and don't get involved, he is very much of the non-interfering, let them live their lives, parent-type. He does on the whole never take sides between any two members of the family, the only time I have ever seen him 'take a side' was when this stuff happened when I stayed with my uncle and aunt, and he said very quietly that he could not look at them in the same way again, as he'd previously had a great relationship with them as they are quite dynamic people and he's quite quiet and they somehow got on really well. It was a superficial, if affectionate relationship.

It is hard to know whether he implicitly encourages the dynamic or not with my sister though, as he will do something like tell us that yesterday he had 'palpitations and decided to go and lie down and nearly went to casualty', and tell us the next day, or the next week or whatever! When we were all in the house the day it happened and he could have alerted us. My sister gets utterly red-facedly enraged about this sort of thing and always accuses him of 'being desperate for attention/negative attention' and a 'martyr', but with a clean pair of eyes, could he just be an adult managing his own health in his own way...?

I have no idea who is being normal here!

Thank you josie, that I really needed to hear. I guess it would seem obvious to many people but it wasn't at all to me.

Thank you talking and balding ballerina, I was thinking of your posts when I wrote my tangential-looking post at 00:53:31. Long slow process that will hopefully become less frighting over time.

Captainmummy, actually that is very useful indeed to read that précis, I imagined myself as a 'normal'(!) person reading that.
I think my grandma was ?possibly like that - not wanting her children to fall out. A couple of them smoked for 50 years and she never knew, they were so careful about protecting her from unpleasant truths, so!
It is so important to my mum that we get on. Essentially the message is, I cannot be happy or enjoy anything unless you two are getting on. The problem seems intractable

Bluelace and Agatha - yes I am, as my sister has repeatedly told me guilty of 'wittering on'; socially exhausting myself and possibly others too, as springy says just the panic to get in before you are maligned, and cram in as much of whatever it seems will please the person before the judgement is made.
I have found over the past few days I am more contained, just noticing when I start to fill the space, or have the urge to, I even do it with my parents; it is so compulsive. I find my style of speech changes, speeds up, I get a little high pitched, fixed of grin

Thank you again so much springy. I am finding it so helpful just to download and log in the thread, and have the air of normality from others breeze over the festering situations that are in my heart and mind and life. It is one thing that I feel like I have a clear instinct for, no matter how much my head tells me not to - I feel, I have to get 'this' (being whatever crops up, whenever it makes itself known to me) out onto the thread and by God I feel healthier and better every time I do

They don't value me, they want me back in my place. I expect it won't be too long before the vicious verbal abuse starts up again. Somewhere in the ether.

Tbh I couldn't give a flying fuck what they think/believe/feel.

Gorgeous posts op [heart]

I really feel for you Op. This sounds a lot like my family although I don't have contact anymore. Unfortunately I married someone who was exactly like my family and I found myself back where I started, caught up in someone else's toxic family dynamic. I recognize a lot of what you say , I seemed to attract bad behaviour also and in all honesty I don't think I really knew who I was. When I realized this it was terrifying. I saw a counsellor who spoke to me about asserting myself and having boundrys. This was both an appealing and a terrifying thought. When I finally understand what had happened to me I was absolutely bereaved. I didn't cry , but howled. It was a deep dark pain that I have never forgotten.

I would consider contacting women's aid. There will be a woman's service in your area that will counsel you. You need a counsellor who is familiar with domestic abuse and unfortunately not all counsellors are. Your doing great. Just keep on keeping on. It will end.

You sound like such a lovely person OP
You try so hard and give so much of yourself to try and make your family happy
But whatever you do is never good enough.

You really need to formulate plans to move out, to get your career back on track and to either re-connect with one or more of your old friends or make a new one (s).

Meanwhile, keep up the excellent work you are doing in putting a tiny bit of distance between you and them

Hi OP. Read through your thread and just felt this immense sadness for you. You sound as if your family has hollowed you out. I am so angry for you. A couple of thoughts : your dad doesn't actually sound lovely. He sounds like Mr Bennet from P&P. I know he seems like a sympathetic character - the only one aside from Jane and Lizzy who see the folly and moral deprivation of the rest of the family, but actually he is implicit in the awfulness. His refusal to grow a backbone ultimately led to the near ruin of two of his daughters happiness, and he just didn't give a shit. Sorry to say but it sounds like your dad. Of course he will say to your mum "let them sort it out " bc as long as it doesn't involve him he doesn't want to know (proved by his reluctance to make any adversarial move that will trigger him being dragged into anything like claiming his own bloody room back). And funnily enough, going on with the analogy, your sister sounds like the one who runs away - an utterly selfish bitch who tramples mercilessly on anyone who gets in the way of her own selfish desires.
My second thought was your nephew is a big red flag to me. I know you love him- you adore him. But he is your Achilles heel. They all know this.
He will grow up to despise you. In really sorry to say this and I don't want to hurt you - I wish you were my kids aunt but your sister and mum will use this kid to suck you back into crazy. He won't respect you because his mother doesn't . It's that simple . Kids pick up on this. Trust me- once he grows up and goes through a stage where he no longer necessarily wants to spend time with you (like many kids!) you will be expendable . In the meantime, she will use access to him the threaten you every time you step out of line. You really need to detach . Please. And focus on your own life and maybe if you want to at some point , your own family.
Sorry (maybe I'm ranting now but I keep remembering things you have recounted here) but your mum utterly toxic. Who allows their daughter to be shat on my extended family members. You know where her loyalties lie. I know it's cathartic to get it all out and work through it but you probably have to just get on with building your own life and not spend too much time trying to decipher your parents choices- does it change anything for you to know your mother is replicating behavior ? You have wasted too much of your amazing life on these people. There is an incredible world out there, outside the confines of those walls where you lurk alone with us. There are people who will appreciate you . Please believe that you don't come off as an selfish bitch. Quite the opposite. Sorry for the essay but just wanted to hold your hand and tell you that you mean much more than you have been led to believe.

Unchanged you are doing great here and I recognise some of your feelings. Do you think it might be possible that you suffer from anxiety? It's just your thought processes about just being out in the world around other people sound very very anxious. Just an idea, that might support your other changes. Your sister sounds dreadful.

Oh and by the way, I used to feel like that about my sisters son and yes she has used it against me, turned him against me now he's older and I have lost him too. Save your love for your own baby, and until that day, for yourself.

This worry about 'normality' - what is normal, will people think you are normal, is it me or them? Remember that 'normal' is a wide band with extremes on either side of it. We can all think of people that are rude or unpleasant or bossy or whatever, but we know that they are normal, just not particularly pleasant. Imagine yourself within that normal band and imagine that most other people that you come into contact with in daily life outside of your family, are also in that band. You may not like all of the people, not all of them will like you, some will be easy to get along with and others not so. Your sister appears to fit in to one of the narrow extremes, likewise your mother. Your dad is perhaps within normal, but he is cowardly and an enabler. A shining example being that he knew the behaviour of the other relations was wrong when you stayed there, he said that he would view them differently, yet he was not prepared to challenge them on their appalling treatment of his daughter. He preferred the quiet life, to not rock the boat, to enable and therefore to condone their behaviour. To your detriment.

Ballerina's idea of speaking to women's aid is a good one. You do need some counselling/intervention to help you work through this to the extent that you can start to live your own life outside of your family's sphere, but it must be a counsellor who understands about this stuff.

I agree with Sherlock too, in that no matter if you see your nephew daily or yearly, no matter what your relationship with him is, he will be being poisoned by his parents and, to some extent, your parent's enabling also. He will be influenced by them. He may become like them - like your sister or her partner, or an enabler like your parents. He may realise for himself, as an adult, that his blueprint for family life was screwed and then take steps to break away from it. You cannot change what will happen, but you should prepare yourself for it.

Do you have any plans for today?

I agree about the baby. It might be useful to look at it from a different angle. Your sister constantly abuses you in front of him. Therefore he is witnessing abuse. Your doing him a favour by not being around to be abused. Spending time regardless and having your sister screaming at you in his presence is enabling both his abuse and your own.

I also agree about your dad. He's not a victim , he's an enabler. Abusers can't abuse without enablers , therefore enablers play a huge part in these dynamics. This doesn't mean your dad is a terrible man or doesn't care about you , there's likely to be historical reasons why he's the way he is. What it does mean is that you have to accept your dad is not the victim and his lack of boundrys is not healthy. He's set a very poor example and failed to protect you. They both have. They have encouraged you to accept abuse when they shouldn't have.

This is a con , a swizz , a psychological mind fuck. It's not real . If you were to Google emotional abuse or narcissistic abuse , you will repeatedly find references relating to going down the rabbit hole , the matrix , the wizard of oz, and for good reason. They have conned you. You've been told your sister is the wizard of oz and that she holds the key to your happiness. There's no wizard behind the curtain Op. And she has no power over you.

I think an experienced counsellor is essential to support you as you go through this process. I spent a lot of time reading but the counsellor was the most driving force in my emotional recovery and ill tell you why. I had to start again from scratch. I had to learn what was healthy and what was not. I had to learn to stop running my feelings past other people wondering if I should or shouldn't feel a particular way. Everything I knew was wrong. At some point in my counselling I sadly realized that my counsellor wasn't a special wise guru as I had previously thought. Instead she was teaching me basic stuff that my parents had failed to teach me as a child. In failing to teach me these things they had set me up to fail. Basically you need reprogramming.