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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner doesn't want to see me as often

86 replies

Shermouse · 05/09/2014 11:42

Just looking for opinions on my partners behaviour. I'm a single mum of two on a low income, he is a professional who has chosen to work part time for the last 5 years because he could afford to but has taken a full time contract for the next 8 months starting this week. We've been seeing each other for 18 months and we spend 3 nights per week together from around tea time to the following morning depending on whether he is working he might stay until early afternoon but often leaves in the morning regardless. Although on Sundays he stays until around 5pm regardless of if he is at work the next day. Yesterday, he said that due to the fact that he is working full time he can now only see me one week night and Saturday night. He tells me I am his soul mate and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me however, I heard my 8 year old ask him if he wanted to marry mummy and he very bluntly said no. He is 50, doesn't have children and has never been married, although he is great with mine. He is much better off than I am but goes to great lengths to make sure he doesn't pay more than half of anything such as meals out and if my children are included he only pays for what he's had, but is quite happy to use my milk, bread, butter etc to make his pack-up for work and breakfast. He is occasionally generous (3 times in 18 months) and takes me out for a meal. Despite not financially supporting me in any way, he feels free to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing and is very superior that he has never borrowed money (except mortgage). I think he would maintain this attitude even if we lived together or got married. My view is that if your in it for the long haul, he has the ability to pay when I don't that it is basically mean to expect me to always pay half, if not more. When, I raised it with him he called gold me a gold digger and said even if we lived together we should always pay half each. Opinions please!

OP posts:
Meerka · 05/09/2014 11:44

He is occasionally generous (3 times in 18 months) and takes me out for a meal..... When, I raised it with him he called gold me a gold digger

Partner wants to see you less often?

Thank god.

kinkyfuckery · 05/09/2014 11:45

Has this announcement happened since your 8 year old asked if he planned on marrying you?

MildDrPepperAddiction · 05/09/2014 11:45

And you are with him because…??

Mintyy · 05/09/2014 11:46

What a catch!

Sunna · 05/09/2014 11:47

Why are you with him?

He sounds mean and nasty, a user.

gamerchick · 05/09/2014 11:47

What would I do with a tight arse?

This sounds like it's all on his terms.. I would let it fizzle put naturally or dump his arse now.

gamerchick · 05/09/2014 11:53

Tbh I think he'll pull back more and more till you get he message. It seems from what you say he views you as there to service his needs twice a week. He has no intention of a future with you and if you dump him now he'll shrug and not look back.

You're worth better than that.

NorklessNora · 05/09/2014 11:56

He sounds like a bit of an arse, I'd get rid.

Whenwillwe3meetagain · 05/09/2014 11:56

I think you know that this isn't a good situation and he sounds mean and disrespectful. Do you actually see long term potential with him?

Branleuse · 05/09/2014 11:57

tell him that youre relieved he suggested that, because you were also considering cooling it too.

Id back away. Somethings going on and youre going to get hurt here

Monty27 · 05/09/2014 11:59

Dump dump dump

HellonHeels · 05/09/2014 12:01

Dear me he sounds mean. Taken you out three times in 18 months? Feels free to use your food to make packed lunches, comes to stay over three times a week using your utilities, eating your food?

Tell me, does he contribute to your expenses in return for hosting him? does he ever do a grocery shop or bring food and cook for you or pay out for a takeaway?

How did you meet? I think you can do way better than this OP.

kaykayblue · 05/09/2014 12:02

This reply has been deleted

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Fairylea · 05/09/2014 12:05

Oh gosh what an arse. Run away!

You're his soulmate but he only wants to see you once a week and one evening? Course he does... he's getting an easy life.

Ditch!

ghostisonthecanvas · 05/09/2014 12:05

I think you should take control and end this. Its not an equal, respectful relationship. Personally, I would choose to be single rather than be with this guy. Reread what you've written as if you aren't involved. What would you advise? Also, what sort of role model is he for your children?

CruCru · 05/09/2014 12:06

Time to give him the push before your kids get any more attached.

however · 05/09/2014 12:07

Miser.

Tryharder · 05/09/2014 12:08

You should be with someone who wants to spoilt you and treat you. It's not being a gold digger, it's about your partner recognising that you are not as financially fortunate as he is and acting accordingly - I'm not talking about him paying your rent or buying diamonds- he should be doing a supermarket shop for you given that he eats at yours, contributing to your gas and electric from time to time and he should be treating you to dinner more than 3 times in 18 months. Why not? He can afford it.

The phrase I see on here is "this man is telling you who he is" and I agree 100%. He is telling you that he is a tight, commitment phobe so listen to him!

Saying that, if you're not looking for Mr Right, are happy with a weekly shag and a regular evening of pleasant company, then fine. But if you're looking to settle down, then he's really not for you.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2014 12:09

He sounds like an arrogant tight-fisted twat! I'm also wondering if he is what he says. Do you and your DCs ever stay over at his place?

CoteDAzur · 05/09/2014 12:10

I'm sorry OP, but he is not your partner. At best, he is your boyfriend. And not a particularly committed one.

scarletforya · 05/09/2014 12:10

Hm, I wouldn't call him a partner. He has invested exactly nothing in the 'relationship' with you. He's sticking to 'campsite rules' -leaving everything exactly how he found it. No marriage, no babies, no shared finances, no property together, nothing.

To me it sounds like he is using you as a convenience. It's all about what suits him. It sounds to me that he would have no qualms about dropping you if a 'better arrangement' came along.

Charlotte2015 · 05/09/2014 12:11

You just need to ask yourself what YOU want from him and think hard as to whether he can give it. Money should never be an issue between loved ones, it doesn't matter how low or high you earn love is always worth more. But he doesn't seem to understand that. Be strong. Smile

kentishgirl · 05/09/2014 12:13

He doesn't sound like much of a partner - I think he sees this as quite a casual thing to be honest with you.

It's very tight of him to go counting every penny spent and expect 50/50. Few people do this to this degree, even when you go halves you sort of estimate or take it in turns and it works out roughly in the end. As he is earning higher than you, I don't agree you would always pay halves anyway. True partners take earnings into account and sort it out more flexibly. And his refusal to pay for so much as a penny of your kids stuff if you are all out, is plain mean, honestly. Expecting a normal amount of flexibility and sharing and allowances for income/expenditure is how most people do things in a serious relationship. Some people do the strictly 50/50 thing, but I doubt if it's most, not wanting that does not make you a gold-digger, and for me that would be a dealbreaker. I want someone who shares all aspects of my life, happily, willingly, not penny picks. I know you don't live together at the moment, but with the amount of time he's been spending eating at yours, he should have got some groceries in. Well, at least you know what his attitude to money is. Is this something you will be happy to continue with? Even if you did live together?

Marriage - ok, maybe he isn't into marriage. But is he into an equal level of commitment to that? Only you can ask him about this.

Cutting time together. Most people working full time have relationships where they see each other more than once in the week, and once weekends.

He's telling you what his priorities are. Not you and your kids. That doesn't make him a bad person, it just means that this isn't the big relationship for him. It's only a problem if you have different ideas.

Stupidhead · 05/09/2014 12:30

Get out now. Leave him scratching his head over why.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 05/09/2014 12:33

Why have you saddled yourself with this miserable excuse of a human being?