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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner doesn't want to see me as often

86 replies

Shermouse · 05/09/2014 11:42

Just looking for opinions on my partners behaviour. I'm a single mum of two on a low income, he is a professional who has chosen to work part time for the last 5 years because he could afford to but has taken a full time contract for the next 8 months starting this week. We've been seeing each other for 18 months and we spend 3 nights per week together from around tea time to the following morning depending on whether he is working he might stay until early afternoon but often leaves in the morning regardless. Although on Sundays he stays until around 5pm regardless of if he is at work the next day. Yesterday, he said that due to the fact that he is working full time he can now only see me one week night and Saturday night. He tells me I am his soul mate and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me however, I heard my 8 year old ask him if he wanted to marry mummy and he very bluntly said no. He is 50, doesn't have children and has never been married, although he is great with mine. He is much better off than I am but goes to great lengths to make sure he doesn't pay more than half of anything such as meals out and if my children are included he only pays for what he's had, but is quite happy to use my milk, bread, butter etc to make his pack-up for work and breakfast. He is occasionally generous (3 times in 18 months) and takes me out for a meal. Despite not financially supporting me in any way, he feels free to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing and is very superior that he has never borrowed money (except mortgage). I think he would maintain this attitude even if we lived together or got married. My view is that if your in it for the long haul, he has the ability to pay when I don't that it is basically mean to expect me to always pay half, if not more. When, I raised it with him he called gold me a gold digger and said even if we lived together we should always pay half each. Opinions please!

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/09/2014 19:12

Blimey Op dump him ....you are turning into him with all these calculations Blush

Lambzig · 05/09/2014 19:15

That's awfully penny pinching (him, not you OP) and would just grind me down. My ex husband was completely mean about money,always keeping score and making sure I wasn't getting anything more than him. When we did a supermarket shop, he would make me pay for sanitary protection separately as, after all, he wasn't going to use it (despite him earning three times as much as me). Your man sounds exactly the same and trust me, it won't change and it's no way to live your life.

justmuddlingalong · 05/09/2014 19:19

Dump him again and for good. Not only will you save yourself money, but more stress and heartbreak. Maybe some time on your own would be beneficial. No man is often better than any man. Good luck.

tipsytrifle · 05/09/2014 20:02

Goodness i need a breath of fresh air after the accountancy session!

He sounds more and more like a constant zero in a black hole. I prefer life as an uncalculated risk where x=hope and y=big blue sky with birdsong and z is wonderful spontaneity like a tail wagging or an unexpected purr ...

What's your preference, Shermouse?

Fairylea · 05/09/2014 20:07

Good god I feel depressed just reading that.

Go and find someone who is in it for the love and the romance. Not for an accountancy session!

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 05/09/2014 20:08

This sounds awfully familiar... Have you posted about him before.

Just dump him, again, and make sure this time it's for good.

All this 2.50 for this and 3.90 for that and "I bought lamb three weeks ago" is pathetic.

How can either of you be arsed with it?

Shermouse · 05/09/2014 20:08

I don't cost things out. I just did it because he does it and to illustrate that his 50/50 is skewed in his favour. He has made money and who pays for what a real stress between us.

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 05/09/2014 20:11

Why are you with this twat?

APotNoodleandaTommy · 05/09/2014 20:14

Married.

sonjadog · 05/09/2014 20:20

Dump him. He didn't sound appealing in the first post and he sounds even more dire now.

simontowers2 · 05/09/2014 20:21

Its pretty simple OP: he earns much more than you so he pays for most things, you pay for the odd treat. That's the way it is and if he cant deal with it then he can fuck right off the tight arsed fucker. Tbh, it does sound like a proper grim relationship. Do you both take your calculators out on dates?

Only1scoop · 05/09/2014 20:25

I think if he's 50 and never had dc and can't even stretch to a nice bottle of wine ....he's hardly going to ever partly support you or your dc....

I think you want different things totally.

The cheap wine would put me right off!!

HumblePieMonster · 05/09/2014 20:28

He's not your partner. He doesn't share your life or make any major contributions. He doesn't want to marry you. Do let this one go, and look for someone better.

Be wary of looking for a meal-ticket though. There's no reason why any man should want to finance you and your children. You're already a self-sufficient family unit, without whoever the new man will be. You can't expect to access, and use for your family's benefit, another person's income just because you have sex with him. Equally, don't fund a man, keep him while he stays half a week with you etc.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/09/2014 20:28

OP's just explained that she doesn't normally cost things out in that way. Frankly, I'd say the calculator on dates was well overdue by the sound of it. OP has three of them to keep on her income, he has only himself, and then he comes over and pinches some of hers. Tell me why that makes her mean.

tipsytrifle · 05/09/2014 20:40

It's ok Shermouse - i wasn't getting at you and i totally get your point. I know that isn't you but arrgghh! Please turn this man loose to forage in his own extensive wallet pastures, alone, forever ... (him, not you lol)

I ended it with someone who was a very high earner. I did anticipate some nice meals out, why ever not? His charisma was gorgeous, his superior/smug attitude less so. But still, after our 3rd date in 7mths (at the same pizza hut) i'd had enough. Just as a by the by ... Confused

aylesburyduck · 05/09/2014 20:44

It's no bloody wonder the only 'debt' he's got is a mortgage. The word that springs to mind is tight as a badgers chuff

To be blunt, I wouldn't expect his views on money to change although he'll probably say they will. I'm all for a bit of frugality, but he's taking the mick.

I bought some lamb 3 weeks ago.... whoop de bloody woo!! Who cooked the feckin thing??

aylesburyduck · 05/09/2014 20:44

Oh and the gold digger remark would have elicited a less thean polite response from me. How rude!

tipsytrifle · 05/09/2014 20:46

And just as a follow-on by the by: If you earn way less than him and you DID get together, buy a house etc ... there's no way it could be right for you to pay half of a million pound mortgage if that's the kind of property he would choose? Would he seriously choose to live in a place you could afford to pay half on? I doubt it ...

Holdthepage · 05/09/2014 20:53

"If his arse was any tighter he would squeak when he walked".

While I am still laughing at the above comment, the reality is that this a miserable way to live, there is something deeply unattractive about a tight fisted man. Dump him.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2014 20:55

I don't think anyone has called the OP mean. I think that a couple of people have picked up on the fact that she is stooping to his level by costing everything out. That is what he brought her to. It's a bad place, and she should get out of it.

Anniegetyourgun · 05/09/2014 21:02

Oh, I'm with you all the way on the LTB!

MsAnthropic · 05/09/2014 21:23

he just doesn't seem to get that regardless of how much money each partner has it's a case of chuck it in the middle and share whats left after essentials are paid for
You can't make another person get that, especially when it's their money you're talking about! Not everyone shares that view or has that perspective and he is just as entitled to hold his view as you are to yours. (I'm not defending his view as "right" at all, by the way.)

All you can do is state what your values/expectations of a partnership are and then live by them - he has told you enough quite clearly, in words and actions, that you have very, very different views about money and what that means in an intimate relationship. You can't change him, all you can do is change your own willingness to be in a relationship based on those terms.

He sounds hideously stingy and mean, so it's unlikely you'd even be in the situation of sharing bills equally but him being generous with luxuries, let alone a shared family pot - if that's how you think things should work, you really are flogging a dead horse.

theressomethingaboutmarie · 05/09/2014 21:36

Sounds like this guy has given you a great opportunity to say goodbye. Take it!

tipsytrifle · 05/09/2014 21:42

thank you, AnyFucker ... for translating the various ppfftt and ??? sounds ... lol ... i certainly never called the OP mean and don't think i saw anyone else doing that either ...

ChangelingToday · 05/09/2014 22:12

He sounds like hard work!

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