The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Getting Ready For The Golden Sights Of Autumn In Search Of Sobriety.

[Mouseface]

Hello everyone, I'm Mouse :) and this is the Bus I've been on a while now!

It's filled with a variety of drinkers. Those that do, those that don't, and those who are desperate to STOP but hide it, or embrace it and get the help they NEED.

'Help' in whatever form works for them, your friend or you. Be it AA, a Local Community Alcohol Counselling Group, your GP, your family/friends, this thread or even a combination of all of the above!

You have to want to stop drinking more than wanting to breathe.

I know that right now, that may sound like a ridiculous goal.

They got sober, One Day At A Time then came here during the process to chat about it, discuss their feelings, but more than anything else, their experiences HELPED OTHERS TO BELIEVE that they too could get dry.

They might not get dry and stay dry, sometimes they'll be lying about their consumption, fooling themselves as well as others

BUT when the posters do get dry for good, come back and post to help others with their tricks of the trade or just to say 'I did it!!' my heart jumps for joy because that person, poster, Brave Babe has gone through hell and back, lived to tell the tale and now wants to share that with the rest of the Bus to see if one simple trick or technique will put them on the track to recovery, sobriety, to the life that they want to lead :)

There's two saying that have appeared to stick with us -

1. • The Vulnerable Need Our Support, Not Our Judgement
2. • Alcohol Fosters Inertia

We all have our own reasons for starting to drink 'too much', we all have an excuse don't we.... we all have a "but....."

Well, as I say to Nemo (who you will get to hear about ) - goats butt!

And for those of you who want to know a bit more -

HERE IS THE MOST RECENT THREAD

AND THIS IS WHERE IT ALL BEGAN, OVER FOUR YEARS AGO!!!

See you soon x

baby you are lovely, thank you

I'm sorry to hear about your Crohn's but so glad you got your girls

I am going to have a domestic day of cooking up tomatoes from the garden and making bread. Otherwise I'll just be on here all day

7+1 weeks pregnant
23 days AF

Thanks people for support about my mother. And sorry mouse I didn't mean to upset you! I know I am 'lucky' to have my mum around.

phrase I had a massive bleed early on and whilst examining me they couldn't even see my cervix because the blood was pumping out, I was told Id almost certainly lost the baby. I was on nil by mouth for a next day d&c. Prior to that I got a scan during which I couldn't breathe with weeping and against all odds, they found a heartbeat!!! They were vague about the bleed and weeks later I found out I had lost a twin but didn't want to cause me distress when the pregnancy was still very fragile, I spend weeks on tender hooks waiting for it to happen again. I'm only telling you this because I have experienced hope, triumph, sadness and joy and a lot of praying to the heavens for a miracle, and although there was a sense of loss, I didn't know it was twins so that heartbeat was a miracle, even the hospital were astonished. She is 4, never shuts up, she's beautiful and smart that's why you must keep hoping and we will all hope with you xxx

Afternoon, tis me, Mouse

Hope - ME TOO re the full bloods to see if I'm going into menopause. I've had two periods this year that lasted half a day.

The nurse also said to me that they were doing kidney function, liver function, thyroid, the works. I have to call today but will call tomorrow....... GOOD LUCK!! xxx

Phrase - I am crossing all crossable digits for your scan. You must be so terrified lovely . It's awful to go through losses and then get pregnant again. BUT you've not been drinking and that is an excellent achievement!

You are so focused on losing this baby that you're convincing yourself that you will..... I think you need to stop being so negative because it's completely out of your control and THAT is what hurts and worries us as human beings so very much.

We can't control what is meant to happen, meant to be. When I lost my boys it was the second biggest shock I'd had in weeks, the first was that we were having triplets! It sounds pithy to say stay strong and positive when your heart has been blasted apart so many times, but remember that we are all here for you! xxx

Joey - my darling, you didn't upset me, it's just I was having a bad day and life was upsetting me. Your words just hit home, that was all. I'm so sorry for making you feel bad. xxx

baby- I heart you. That is all xxx xxx

Hello Stressed, nice to meet you. I need to read back and catch up more..... x

phrase hope you OK. Fingers crossed.
baby hope you feel better soon
Had a shite of a day so heading out for a run to try and get rid of the rage.
hope good to see you. What distracted chap?

Oh you lovely mouse you do know that everyone on this Bus (and I bet everyone in real life who knows you) just loves you to bits cos you are just amazing in all you do and say

ma eh? What's that? Do tell, I need something to keep me going! Day5, the wine I bought on Sunday is still unopened, I can't shake off this cold/ sore throat and determined not to drink until I'm over it. But it's driving me a bit potty. Ridiculous to be obsessing, it's just 2 glasses of wine ffs!

Ma - I can't 'run' or 'jog' but I do use my Wii FitPlus™ and by Geoff I nearly expired doing 6 mins of the 'starter' level, of gently jogging on the spot.

I had all my back supports on but I could feel my belly wobbling as I moved.

I've put on over a stone with my meds so I've decided to try and do 3 workouts (given to me by my physio) a week, in preparation for my sponsored walk for the British Heart Foundation (as it's five years this year since Nemo nearly lost his life after having emergency open heart surgery) and it'll be a year on November 23rd since my mum suddenly passed away of the most aggressive form of lung cancer, known to date.

I'm going to do at least 3 miles so need to get fit and carry on training for it now. DH is going to plot me a nice flat route and a friend said she'd be my 'buddy' but she'd had some wine so we'll see. I also need to see if I can get some 'off road/sports' crutches.... if they even exist as my current ones are bog standard NHS issue!

Anyway, Nemo needs me but DH is on bedtime tonight so I can come back later, things are not great at school after me saying he was doing so well. And my headaches are still there....... week number four! I'm waiting to see if my bloods throw anything up before getting my eyes checked etc.

Back again later, keep fighting that WW Babes! x

Baby your dd sounds wonderful. Wish I could meet her, I love feisty four year old girls!

Mouse how weird we have blood results on same day. Good luck with yours, sending you a big sisterly hug of solidarity.

I didn't phone for my results today for another reason - my father in law died. OH phoned me at lunchtime at work and came home mid afternoon. He's been ill some time (stroke, not much quality of life, stuck in a bed with slurred speech and little independence) but has been lingering so long didn't think he would actually go.

Feel odd, I haven't been over to see him in months (they live 40 odd miles away). He was married 3 times, left OH and his family when he was a teenager, treated the 3 stepkids better. We used to go over for family do's, he was religious, was very funny with me and my family over the wedding as I was the wrong sort, so we've never been close.

But weirdly I feel guilty for not going over more. Even though my relationship with OH is really rocky - as well documented on here - and he never supported me when I lost my parents (and was brokenhearted) I feel bad.

Until his dad was ill, we went over twice a year or so for duty, he had a huge burden of resentment. And he moaned about having to go all the time. They weren't close like I was with my parents. Then after he went into a home, and then subsequently had a massive stroke, OH started to go all the time, every other night, 40 miles each way, borrowing petrol money off me while I sorted the kids out. And the stepkids who got everything off him and were clearly the favourites hardly went over.

And I sort of resented the whole thing. Like he used to moan about it but always went. And I didn't see why when he had never gone before. And it was weird cos it all seemed out of duty rather than the love I had for my parents. And genuinely it didn't occur to me to go because in 19 years of marriage we never had a conversation for more than 2 minutes, and I have always felt like 'the wife' rather than a family member.

But now ds (who is very sensitive and kind despite cynical teenage facade) thinks I was horrible for never going over - though nobody said it at the time - and I am feeling guilty and a bit shocked, and worried that all this will be taken out on me at some point. DS is cross at me, and OH is being fine, but he is actually still at a meeting for work (repressed!!! He will have guilt feelings too as they had such a difficult relationship when he was a teenager)

Going to get the kids' tea out now but have had a couple of shots of vodka. Ridiculous. Don't want to get pissed over this, not even got the excuse of it being my family. Has just made me feel ... odd and unsettled and horrified.

Sorry for long post guys. Funeral tomorrow (Jewish, it happens straight away). DD is fine and doesn't want to go. Going to have to cope with DS being cross at me and supporting him through his first funeral. Oddly has got me out of the work dinner I was dreading. Wouldn't have chosen this though. Feel very odd. Hoping I will stop the vodka now - wish me strength doing that, last thing I need is a bloody hangover.

Sorry not to namecheck all x

Ah hope I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you Ma. OH has been home, gone out again to see his mum in hospital (she is also ill, they have been estranged for years and she hated my father in law, they had a horrible marriage apparentely back in the 60s and 70s). DS upstairs. DD with me, watching TV. Sorting out funeral details - will be a long one tomorrow cos evening prayers etc.

Checked out facebook and tons of mawkish messages on there from people who visited him far less even than me, you'd think they'd been there all the time from their messages, but I would have no idea what to put up there. I hate people's easy emotion on facebook when you don't even know if they cared in RL. It is like they want the rites of passage but don't really engage in real life relationships. It's more complex than when my parents died, that was just uncomplicated grief but now I feel like I should be crying but am not. And no idea what I can say to OH as he said he just 'wants to get the farce of the funeral over with'. He is quite angry that none of the stepfamily bothered and he did. And none of the stepfamily have phoned us, it will be like a Mexican stand off tomorrow! My family were so uncomplicated and close and this is so different.

DD is very uncomplicated. She said "I'm not that sad, should I feel guilty? Cos we never really saw him when he was himself, and I feel sorry for daddy but I won't miss him the way I would miss grandma" And I told her that was OK, she can only be honest. But it's sad that she isn't sad, if you know what I mean. My dad never saw her, died before she was born, but he would have adored her and I like to think they would have been close and she would have missed him had they got to know each other. My kids never knew the happy extended family life that I knew.

And if I'm honest, the only thing I can feel sad about is that I never really knew him that well. Was always polite and friendly and even affectionate when I saw him, but never really thought about each other much. I would never have thought of visiting or phoning without OH there for example.

I think when you have a difficult marriage it is almost impossible to get close to the in-laws. I always felt that if we got divorced none of them would ever speak to me again (apart from lovely niece) so never invested in them (as they don't in me)

It also brings it back, losing my parents. Hate hospitals, hate funerals, it all reminds me of a really dark time.

Sorry for waffling on. Don't know what I want to say really though. Put the lid on the vodka though, so that's one thing.

looking sending you a big bosie , I've lost 2 big long posts to you tonight so will leave it at I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Death is so final, it's completely normal to reflect on what could've been and will never be and that's sad, deeply, tragically sad... X

looking sending you a big bosie , I've lost 2 big long posts to you tonight so will leave it at I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. Death is so final, it's completely normal to reflect on what could've been and will never be and that's sad, deeply, tragically sad... X

I've NC hopefully.

I'm addicted to cocaine.
There. I said it.

I've been a user of lots of narcotics for over 20 years on and off, this last year I am out of control.

I live a double life where no one knows. I pop on my sunnies and function beautifully, taking my DC to school, come home and use all day.

DH comes home to a pristine house and organic home made meal. Homework and projects are impeccable.
DH was critically ill last year. I used this to numb my pain and keep going. I've spent upwards of £8000 in one year.
I've told countless lies.
DH is now fine and returned to work and has found a new lease of life.

I am in therapy and attending the very helpful meetings.

I need help to fix this before I get caught and everything crashes down. I'm so close but I need help.

So, the substance may not be alcohol but I feel as low, ashamed, embarrassed and desperate to change as the other babes.

So can I join in? Thanks for reading x

hope whatever you feel, is fine to feel. It's ok for your ds to be angry, for your dd to not feel sad, for you to feel regret. Everyone had a different relationship with him and everyone has a different past.

We all react differently because we are individuals. Maybe tell your son that so he can understand that others might not feel the same way as him but, above all, just accept that this is how you feel, allow the feelings to flow and do what comes naturally to you. This is why some people cry at grief and some don't. It's so personal and none of it is right or wrong x

Hey pick so glad you posted. Is today going to be Day 1 for you? Stick with us, post about anything and everything and just commit to one day or one hour. Do you want to tell us more about the withdrawal symptoms? What do you think you will need help with the most? If not, just hang around read, and post when you want to x

That's the hardest bit done, my lass. You are still you, it doesn't matter what the substance is, it's about the impact it's had on your life. I'm sure the feelings are similar wrt guilt, shame etc.

You did good.

Sorry I haven't been around lovely folk, my life took a bit of a fecking massive downward spiral. Hauling myself up, bit by bit. Will catch up properly later, xx

welcome pick
Addiction is addiction is addiction.....you are very welcome here and no one will judge for your poison of choice...
am in work just now but will catch up later

Welcome pick, and well done foe posting. Take it bit by bit today and keep talking to us x

faire, Ma, Baby, thanks for your support. Funeral today so will be offline soon.
wry - what's up honey???? Hope you are ok you wonderful woman. Will check in tomorrow to see how you are. Massive bosies to you (came up on spellchecker as massive bodies. Not sending you those, we've nowhere to keep them)

Love to all, good luck with the blood tests results mouse x

Hey all - day 3 here -
Just having some soup and thinking of having an afternoon nap :)

looking thinking of you my lovely xxx

wry I'm so sorry things are tough for you right now. Your so utterly lovely, kind, funny and so generous with your posts, I can't imagine anyone in real life be anything other than grateful to be lucky enough to have you in their life. If you need to share or need any support, let us be here for you as you have always been for us. Sending you a big squishy bosie super tight. Xxx

picky first of all as ma says addiction is addiction. You haven't done anything I haven't done with booze, the lies, the money, the shame. You can't shock us and you will get nothing but support here. I think to tackle this you need a plan. Can you see your GP and without betraying your addiction maybe get something for anxiety and keep you calm as you will have to "come down". You should pick a date and plan it quite meticulously. Lots if fluids, vitamins, clean healthy foods and a light excercise plan. Maybe you could check other more specific withdrawal advice sites, just to ensure there is no medical danger going it alone without any medical intervention. I have been so far down in the gutter and hated myself with every fibre of my being, You can turn this around, and we are here to support you in any way we can. Lots and lots of love xxx

70 well done babe, a nap sounds divine, enjoy xxx

You okay wry ? Bosies to YOU

another one checking on our lovely wry

Wassup with wry? Feckin drama queen! Everyone OK in here?

So, after months of saving up and badgering Ds has got his Xbox 1, somewhat against my wishes. It won't let him add friends because of security settings and he and dh cant figure it out. Dh is shouty and stressed, Ds is tearful and stressed. Feel like throwing the fucking thing in the bin!

ma ask a teenage boy, they can all understand it (although they can't explain it to anyone else)

I have to ask my DD how to work DVD player.