Upcoming shuttle mediation meeting with Toad

[Karenthetoadslayer]

In one hour and I am getting a bit shaky. He is going to annihilate me!

No it doesn't "count". Mediation? Stick a fork in it - it's done

I am just reading the thread again and I am so glad that I posted.

I must say I went in there quite naïve and there is no way I will let some self appointed backstreet expert interrogate my children.

WA have been very clear that this "mediation" has to stop and have put it on my file. They are very good, everything gets logged straight away.

They advise to say that this mediator is biased and an independent mediator has to be found. Or to let him take me to court and there will be a proper assessment.

I forgot to mention that the first thing the mediator asked me was if I was prepared to have face to face mediation instead of shuttle mediation, because his client suggested this.

karen it's obvious that his motives were to perpetuate his abuse and through so-called mediation get himself back into a position of power.how utterly pathetic and I hope that the fact that you willingly tried to engage but were able to see quickly that he was simply using it as a manipulation tool will count in your favour for any future contact. I'm glad WA were able to help document this and put it on record for you.

How can this mediation process be so easily directed by a clearly abusive man? The whole episode sounds cringe-worthy. Stay strong, you've come so far.

Hi thatsnotmyname how are you?

And you are completely correct, I am beginning to see a bit clearer now. Yesterday and the day before I was so terrified by it all I was just panicking.

I don't have to do any of this and I am not going to.

The court will surely not expect me now to accept getting abused again after kicking Toad out of the house?

I'm so glad you've been in touch with WA. No, you certainly don't have to put yourself in the position of being abused by anyone. Unless it's a court appointed mediator any further attempts should be met with a firm no.

May I ask if Toad's wages 'loans' and the 'loan' of the car come from a limited company?

Whenever i feel someone in 'authority' is about to persuade you to do something that you don't want to do my advice is simple. Take out your mobile and set it to record the conversation and tell the person what you are doing. Doing it with a pleasant smile always completely flummoxes them. You can quite literally see the confusion on their faces, followed by a realisation that you're not joking and we really had better do this by the book!

This ALWAYS moderates their behaviour. Ime it works for Police, debt collectors, HR people and the like.

I'm puzzled by the mediator referring to 'their client' - isn't the whole point about mediation, that it's dispassionate and neutral? So 'mediation' with a 'mediator' who views themselves as acting on the part of one of the participants, isn't mediation.

ATM are you jumping threads? ? It's my private car and no loans involved thank god anywhere between me and Toad.

Getthefeck I have been absolutely kicking myself that I did not have the sense to record this. I could easily have set that up as I had enough time when he was talking to Toad. I have recorded all the time before even right under Toad's nose. I was like a sitting duck. Won't happen again.

Also, I should have sent WWK. The mediator did not know me and Toad is not allowed to see me anyway. No one would have known.

"I forgot to mention that the first thing the mediator asked me was if I was prepared to have face to face mediation instead of shuttle mediation, because his client suggested this."

But this is so wrong! if Toad isn't allowed to see you face to face, then why the fuck did the "mediator" even suggest this? Of course Toad wouldn't have told him why he's not allowed contact with you, but the fact that shuttle mediation was the only option should have clued the stupid twat in, you'd have thought!

Definitely no point in seeing that one ever ever again - and tbh I'd definitely put in a complaint about that suggestion, if nothing else. Although all the rest (you being dramatic etc.) are all equally unprofessional, that suggestion in itself could have put you in danger if you'd caved into it.

The mediator was aware that Toad is not allowed to contact me. He should not even have asked me to waive this. I think that was very unprofessional and compromising my safety. I have to be extremely careful from now on.

That'll teach me to post in a hurry! Sorry, yes, totally wrong thread.

Don't worry I am also on camping threads.

This mediator sounds very unprofessional (I work at a mediation service and would be ashamed to hear this about one of our mediators!)

You are perfectly entitled to, and I hope you feel able to, complain about the standard of care you received. The first step should be the mediation service themselves.

Can you see what professional body the mediator is registered with - it might be National Family Mediation, Resolution or the College of Mediators - and let them know your concerns? If he's not registered with one of these, he should not be mediating family matters!

PM me if you think I could help at all. Mediators like this give legitimate services like ours a bad name!

Thank you so much, I am still pondering over how to proceed with this. This is my first experience with mediation and I was just in the car again thinking how terrified I was and still am about this, especially when the guy said: "I am telling you what to say to the children etc ... You are not to brief them what they are going to say ..." Implying that I had done something wrong or was planning to sabotage all this.

They are with two of those professional bodies and they seem to have some monopoly round here.

I just cannot get over this that the children should be guilt tripped into accepting his Easter eggs that they did not want to accept at Easter and some letters during the mediation assessment and then feel guilty enough to be persuaded to meeting with Toad who would be playacting the heartbroken father.

I have just realised that the "heartbroken father" by his own account has actually again not even asked about the children during the child mediation. It was all about intimidating me. He did not ask about photos nor school reports nor how they were and if they had had a nice holiday, so I did not volunteer any of that information, of course. I sent him some stuff in May, but I did not get any reply to that, so I did not assume he'd be interested and he wasn't.

I think you'd be perfectly justified in refusing to have anything more to do with it. No mediator should try bullying you or dictating what you are allowed to say to your children and he should certainly not even make the attempt to persuade you into a face to face meeting with Toad, especially since he knows there's a court order preventing this for very good reasons.

Hi Karen

It's good to hear from you, although like everyone else I am horrified by your account of this mediation session. You have obviously come on in leaps and bounds since the days when you were posting about your awful life with your abusive arsehole of a husband. Please don't allow anything or anyone to undermine your efforts at ridding your and your precious DCs' lives of this lunatic, who deserves no consideration whatsoever from any of you.

The so-called mediator deserves to be reported for his appalling attitude towards you. I hope that you will continue to do only those things that you know will be good for you and the DCs. Ignore Toad and his apologists, you owe him nothing.

All the very best from bbf x

Thank you, BBF I really appreciate this.

More hassle from Toad's solicitor. In addition to the mediator, his solicitor is following up the mediation session "in his own words" and of course modifying what has been said to his own advantage. I must get the mediator's notes . So, independent from the mediator, I am now getting bombarded by the solicitor too and I have now been set an ultimatum when to make the children available. Is thst what usually happens?

Karen, sounds like Toad is using as many mouthpieces as possible to bombard you with further abuse. The solicitor and mediator aren't separate people really, are they? They're just Toad-avatars.

In your shoes, I would respond to his solicitor by letter stating your recollection of what was said at mediation so that your side is on record, restate that the children do not want contact at this time so you do not think it is in their best interests to force it upon them, and wait for him to take you to court. Most important I think is to have a paper trail giving your side of the story and presenting yourself as a reasonable parent acting in the children's' interests, as I think this is destined to end up in front of a judge.

MrBuster the letter was without prejudice! but my letters needn't be?

It might be possible for the solicitor to be ordered not to harass you, as well - eg that he is only allowed to communicate with your solicitor rather than you.
(I don't have the full story here but if your XP is so abusive there are restraining orders against him, then him using other people to harass you is a breach of these...)