Upcoming shuttle mediation meeting with Toad

[Karenthetoadslayer]

In one hour and I am getting a bit shaky. He is going to annihilate me!

Suspected as much.

Am I right in thinking, though, that you are not under any legal obligation to do this? (Apologies if this isn't correct, I had the impression from other threads that undertaking mediation over this issue was voluntary on your part). If so, can you just say that you're not happy with the mediator's attitude and don't think that decisions are being made in the best interests of the children, and wait for him to take you to court? Or is it that you're trying (not unreasonably) to avoid court (and the inevitable £££)?

I thought it was bizarre. But easy for the mediator to pressurize the weaker party. or so he thought

It would be good if you could report the mediator to his particular body if you can face it.

Sorry you had to go through that. Sounds more like a manipulator than a mediator. I didn't think they were meant to tell you what to think/how to react?

And Toad is responsible for presenting himself in a positive way. His DCs have had plenty of time to make an assessment of their DF. In my experience, you don't have to brain-wash the children. They generally have their own opinions and feelings. A toad will always be a toad, and they will know that.

Yeah, I went along with this to avoid court, but I am going to present in person, so it would be a freebie for me. Also, you have to try mediation first.

But it was all about what he wanted and trying to get me to give into that. I didn't, but it was hard work.

I am so glad you are saying thisThumbeitch. I have not had any experience with mediators before.

You don't have to try mediation first, and in cases where there has been abuse you are advised not to. Your solicitor should have told you that.

It wasn't just about what he wanted, it was simply a way for him to attack you now that you're out of his orbit. He doesn't give a shit about the children it's just a way of getting at you.

Thumbwitch sorry about typo.

Was it a one-off mediation session or are more planned? If you are due to have more, I would tempted to tell the mediator that you will be recording your session "to help you remember what was agreed".

As for this session, I'd write down verbatim ASAP as much as you remember of the conversation between you and the mediator, save electronically so that you have a date stamp, and then if non-cooperation with mediation is brought up in court you have some evidence that the mediation process was biased.

no worries :)

Do let us know what your solicitor says about it all though - the only mild concern is that he can put up a good front saying he was willing to try mediation and be reasonable but you blocked everything - but since he's an abuser, then that should also be taken into account and he should lose.

Do not have any more sessions if they are planned, and yes write everything down.

The next session would be an assessment session with the children. I insisted thst this will be put off until the end of the term.

I think you need to call Women's Aid & ask their advice.

Personally, I think you need to stop mediation with this man now. He's not independent, he's not even mediating. I don't think he knows his arse from his elbow tbh. Involving the children in this scenario is just wrong.

I agree with Twinkle - if he's tried to bully and coerce you, imagine what he'll try with your DC!

Exactly.

Your ex has found himself a yes man through whom he can try to manipulate you and the children.

"I would let him waste his own money and this is all being done by him to further punish you. He likely does not give a fig for his children, have they been actually consulted about him wanting to see them now after nearly a year of no contact".

This is precisely why I wrote what I did; mediation should never be undertaken at all when there has been abuse within the relationship. Your ex H chose this person and has manipulated this person to get back at you as further punishment for actually leaving him. He will not change, he will be forever unreasonable and will be happy to put you through the wringer with regards to money and children.

I would certainly consider reporting this particular mediator in question to his reporting body.

I do not know what your Solicitor is like but I am wondering why you entered mediation in the first place. You do not have to go to mediation at all and it is never recommended where there has been abuse within the relationship. He chose this mediator for his own ends. Do not attend any more sessions and get further legal advice asap from a legal person who actually knows their stuff.

To use mediation is to subscribe to the mistaken idea that abuse is related to "misunderstandings" or lack of communication. If discussion and compromise, the mainstay of mediation, could help in any way most domestic violence situations would be long ago resolved because victims of abuse "discuss and compromise" constantly. Mediation assumes both parties will cooperate to make agreements work; the victim has always 'cooperated' with the abuser; the abuser never cooperates.

Mediation can be and is ordered by judges/courts, as can counselling and mental health evaluations. They are tools in the abuser's arsenal to be used against the victim as often as he chooses. In order for mediation to work and to not make situations worse the parties involved must have equal power and must share some common vision of resolution. This is clearly not present when domestic violence has taken place in a relationship.

Mediation practitioners must be alert to the need to interview partners separately with specially designed questions in order to determine if abuse is or has been present. Many domestic violence professionals can train others to screen safely for domestic violence. To not do so risks unsuccessful mediations, at best, and increasing the victim's danger by colluding with the abuser, at worst.

A person who has been terrorized by an abuser is not free to participate in a mediation process with him, even if the mediator(s) assume or believe that they "understand". Being truthful about any of her needs or experiences in the abuser's presence or proximity practically ensures that she is in more danger later.

The mediator is left with a no win: either the victim's danger is increased, or she is not fully or truthfully participating, or both. The well meaning mediator may actually encourage the victim to feel safe enough to share information that could seriously compromise her safety. In any case the whole intent of mediation is lost.

To engage an abuser and a victim in a process that implies equal responsibility is damaging to both. The victim is once again made to feel responsible for the abuser's behavior, and the abuser is allowed to continue to not accept full responsibility for his behaviour choices

I know nothing about this process of mediation however the idea of an untrained stranger interviewing any child of mine about such an emotive subject makes me feel very worried. It is usually for mediators to interview children ? I thought police and social workers had to be specially trained to do 'legal' work - or am I being incredibly naive ?
Anyway bottom line I would not be consenting for this individual to 'interview' any child of mine. In any case a 15 yr old and very possibly the 10 yr old would need to agree to the whole process.
Sorry - not sure this helps other than to add my share of incredulity to the growing pile of the stuff.

I wonder if that "lovely" group F-for-J recommend mediators - or indeed supply them? Bet they do, and bet that's where he went shopping for this one. (I've written it like that in the hope that any trawling bots don't spot it - I expect you know who I mean?)

Well done for getting through it Karen. Sorry I had to go out so missed your posting. Your solicitor is right - treat it as a 'fact finding' mission.

You have found facts that confirm what you already know. Irritating but not life-threatening.

I doesn't sound like you went to mediation at all today. Did you not discuss why you are even having to resort to mediation? If the assumption was that you were blocking it, did that come from the mediator or was that an allegation from Toad?

A mediator is not a judge, they are facilitators of conversation. It's a difficult job to do, but if he at any stage has 'told' you what to do, think or say, then he/she is acting outside of their role. They ARE there to help you say what you think, and to tease out your fears and worries so that these can be addressed - and these are often what prevents agreements being made.

They are there to put the other parties wishes to you in a factual unemotional way. After all it matters not one jot to them whether you agree or not. They don't get paid any more for a satisfactory outcome or otherwise.

Mediation, is sadly compulsory, these days. So is paying taxes. Think of it like that.

With it being compulsory, there's an explosion of 'mediators' some of which are a little less than capable in remembering their training, I'm sure.

Good news is that a judge won't permit anything that was said in mediation in his court (it is a without prejudice arrangement), which means it is CAFCASS that holds sway now. Your preferences, and that of Toad's matter not one jot where the judge is concerned. Work with CAFCASS positively, as they are the ones wielding the power.

Have a chat with women's aid today if you can to see if they can give you any advice on how to handle this - I'm sure there must be someone.

It IS what your children want. And as for tying in maintenance and contact - it's a no win. No one's children are pay per view.

He is legally obliged to pay. End of.

And go you for standing up for yourself - I wouldn't call this an annihilation at all, I'd call it Karen finding her voice and refusing to be pushed around anymore.

And you thought it was a waste of time, but as unpleasant as it is - you couldn't do that years ago. Now you can. Aren't you fab!

Hi WWK! how are your own proceedings progressing?

Hi Thumb - well that depends on who you ask.

From my perspective - bewilderingly.

From my SHL's perspective - frustratingly.

From my STBXH's perspective - angrily. He is very angry. Did I say that he was angry? Yes, he's angry.

Court next month. Last time it was pretty decisive in getting him to face up to his responsibilities - sadly though, it did not last. We should have exchanged Form E last week. My STBXH and his solicitor appear to be having a few problems...I am not sure who is causing the problems to be fair. I will not point fingers and lay blame...

(puts fingers away, as since I started typing this the phone rang and I've just discovered a new problem. Back to the sol's I must go....)

These days I just see problems galore and think 'meh' I'll figure something out...

Did I say he was angry?

Karen, as this isn't a Court ordered or appointed mediator, do you have to have any further contact with him?

Thank you all!

I phoned WA who had (temporarily) discharged me or so they thought, but I am back on their books.

They are in agreement with all of you, that the mediator was out of order and this mediation should not continue. Apart from Toad, I have never been spoken to like that and I still feel like bursting into tears.

But I shall be diplomatic and keep smiling and not agree to anything that I don't think appropriate.

This is not court ordered mediation, I am just going along with it to be diplomatic and because it is something that the court may ask about.

But it doesn't really matter, as WWK said, it is without prejudice, so basically it is a waste of time.

I shall write a polite email to the mediator in a moment . I try and learn from my solicitor and simply ignore what I can ignore. Ignoring provocations and bad behaviour from the other side seems to be the order of the day at the moment. I have to decide if my reactions to Toad's bad behaviour are helpful or unhelpful as far as the bigger picture is concerned and mostly it is best to ignore it if it doesn't make a difference.