Upcoming shuttle mediation meeting with Toad

[Karenthetoadslayer]

In one hour and I am getting a bit shaky. He is going to annihilate me!

Is it cheeky to ask for the person's professional qualification or an Enhanced CRB? Regarding the children? I am never offended when I get asked. It is just common practice, isn't it?

Toad will continue to drag you and by turn your children through the mire till you are finally divorced and even then he could still try and make things difficult for you. Such men do not let go of their victims (the plural is deliberate) at all easily. He is enjoying all this immensely including manipulating this mediator he's hired.

Do tell this mediator that you will no longer be attending and for goodness sake do not put your children in front of such a person either regardless of what qualifications this person may or may not have. Being at all acquiescent to your H will not work because he will see that as weakness and use that niceness against you. Using the full force of the law behind you re him will be more successful.

Ignoring provocations and bad behaviour from the other side seems to be the order of the day at the moment.

It truly is - I'm so with you on that. Their behaviour makes you feel like you are going mad/being unreasonable/can't be trusted to think and act like an adult.

But, you are not ignoring it. You are proactively not reacting to it in a way that could be detrimental to you and your children.

That takes amazing discipline!

It has been a horribly difficult day for you - but you've managed it: You haven't accepted Toad's behaviour - you've stood up to it. That was a really difficult thing for anyone to do so don't feel bad about feeling bad!

This is the worst he can do? You've coped and you've got yourself some people for support (Glad WA has helped - isn't that a relief to read). Pat yourself on the back. You've done something amazing today. You've faced down Toad's latest piece of weaponry.

Scary stuff, I know. But you've done it!

I think you would have a good case for saying that since the 'mediator' made you feel pressured and bullied you have no intention of allowing the same treatment to be inflicted on your children.

You have tried it - it didn't work.

I'm sure, if it was raised in court, that would be enough. I think the Court would agree that a mediator employed by the Toad was far from ideal and that since his attitude was far from mediatory you were correct to call a halt to it.

Do check here that your mediator appears on the list AND that they have done the additional training to enable them to talk directly to children.

Yes, they are on the list, thank you, Quejica.

They are the "to go to" mediators round here.

Toad's solicitors firm is also on the list, but they do everything.

Oh what a truly horrid day. Much worse than going to court, tbh.

ATM I think I will do that in the end. If I feel bad, the children are bound to feel even worse after something like that. I just googled the person who is supposed to speak to the children. Not my type at all. Not very friendly looking. I cannot see DD say anything to her. The children's Social workers are really lovely and the children really like them.

I'd advise you not to write to the mediators today - let yourself come down from the shock of it but write some notes now about how you feel, how you've been treated and what you can recall was said.

Then in a few days write and say that you wish to pull out of mediation. It'll keep you on the facts of the matter after you've had some time to reflect.

I'm so sorry that this has been so awful for you. No one needs this, they really don't. But this day is over, you don't have to put yourself or your children through this again. I think you can simply refuse to continue with it - it is, after all, a without prejudice thing.

But worth talking to your solicitor about first. As I really would want to to be certain that it's the right way to go personally, and the risks of not putting yourself through it again. Whether, in fact, a different mediator can be used in future in order to keep it going (I realise that this is the last thing you feel you need, but it may help you keep up appearances).

It can work but it absolutely cannot work if you have no faith in it. Quite frankly, you should not be leaving it feeling bullied. You should be leaving it feeling listened to even if no agreement can be reached. Sometimes things cannot be agreed because people are just too far apart. You've been utterly failed today by the process today. I'm so sorry for you.

Sorry, have my practical head on today (necessary right now for me!).

KOKO Karen.

Fuck appearances. The only thing that matters is what is true. The truth is that the OP has had a horrendous experience, it's achieved nothing, and nothing can be gained by dancing to her ex's tune. She's under no obligation to go to mediation, so why go through this warped charade?

If the OP's solicitor came through WA I'm surprised that he/she didn't advise her to reject mediation. Perhaps it's a local firm. I don't know.

This was such a bad experience it would be bananas to repeat it with the children.

The time all this legal stuff takes out of our lives - I am so entirely fed up with it. is there a life after separation?

I am not for a moment considering repeating this with the children.

I have not achieved anything all day and another day of my life has been wasted dealing with Toad and the aftermath of the chaos he created.

He just doesn't let go of us, as Attila said.

Can I just add that I would draft the email today - but DON'T send it. This way it's all fresh and IME, I found it to be quite cathartic to write it all down. You can revisit it at a later stage and edit.

PS Even though we are strangers on the inter web, well done!

I completely get where you all are coming from regarding not sending emails. I particularly do not send emails that I write at 3 o'clock in the morning.

I agree that you should write and not send. Write to get the facts down while they are fresh, but delay to give yourself time to reflect.

You have shown willing. I understand that it is important to you to not give anyone any material or leverage against you. It's over now. I hope you can over on quickly.

I am now unreasonably worried that this monstrous mediator woman will force the children to see Toad, such as pushing them into a room with them or using some brainwashing approach to get them to agree to see him and I will never see them again. (I also have a cold and a temperature)

I don't think they can make decisions like that any more than I could - they have no power invested them to compel anything.

They aren't judges. Even Social Services, which is part of the civil service, and not a private enterprise (like mediation companies are) can't do this - they'd have to apply to a judge first.

This woman has utterly failed today to mediate between you and Toad, which is her job, and that makes me quite glad she doesn't have any powers to be honest!

Besides, how on earth is she going to hand over a nearly 15 year old -she'd have to bind him up before doing that, which is technically assault!

Your mind is on overdrive (and I know I do the same thing - been doing it all day to be honest!) worrying about what might happen. I think pulling out of mediation is necessary. No one is going to take your children away from you unless you are doing something very, very wrong. You aren't - we know that, you know that.

I'm sorry you are feeling poorly - get yourself into bed if you can, painkillers and rest. You've had a horrible day, and I imagine sleep is a long way from coming to you, but this will end.

It's always darkest before dawn as they say.

The mediator actually mentioned that the child consultant would take the children to see Toad, of they "agreed" however this was achieved. I have googled her and she looks vile. (Ok I have a temperature)

You've had a horrible day today Karen.
Have a and well done for seeing through the mediator and standing up for yourself.
Well seems to understand the situation and can give you good advice (well I have lurked on your thread and think you are extraordinary) . I hope you feel better soon.

Thank you and the will have to be a Lemsip instead - now losing my voice too.

to all of you! I did not expect to be so shaken by this.

Sleep well. Karen. You didn't need this, but you got it. You didn't deserve it either. So be kind to yourself right now - because that is what you need most.

I suppose being the eternal spotter of irony - what a shame you couldn't have lost your voice this morning to have prevented you going through this today!

Take care.

I almost cancelled due to being ill, but I thought I was ill so I would not be up to much and I could just as well go to mediation, sneezing and coughing other than wasting my time with this palavre on a normal and productive day. (Pragmatic).

The lovely receptionist made me a nice cup of peppermint tea.

I hope you haven't passed your illness to the mediator.

I tried my best PicandMinx

At the end of the day, it doesn't "count" towards anything, does it?

If it goes go court, it will start all over again and CAFCASS won't be briefed by toad, that's for sure.

I think this mediation is history.