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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Is this an emotional affair?

132 replies

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 02/09/2014 17:27

Man and woman had on off relationship for 2 years 7 years ago.

Man moved away, married and had children. Woman married, had children and then divorced and is single. They have kept in contact but no as frequent when she was married.

They speak at least one a week through email and at length. Messages are quite personal. Quite open that they miss each other. He sends songs that remind him of her, most indicating that at the least he has feeling for her but more along the lines that he loves her, she's the one that got away etc. Her response is usually a bit jokey such as "another one added to the playlist".

He had openly told her Mum (publicly and will say jokingly) that she is his future MIL.

What would you think?

OP posts:

Report

AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 21:59

What has he messaged you this evening ?

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:01

Not at all anyfucker you're just wrong that's all. I would never have wanted this. I feel like I may have lost a friend and ultimately it's going to make things awkward now. Needless to say the discussion didn't go great but hey ho it's done now and we both know where we stand.

Most of all after what he has said tonight I feel sorry for his wife. If I had known all along he had feelings I would have pulled back a very long time ago. It's not fair on her and he is a shit. Doesn't make him a terrible person or a bad Dad just a pretty shitty husband right now.

OP posts:

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:03

AF you are making up an entirely different version of the situation. Each to their own.

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AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 22:07

No, I don't think I am. It feels uncomfortable because you have been forced to look at it from his wife's POV when before she was just a bit of a nag who wanted to control him and you could easily dismiss her. She had good cause however, it appears. She was right all along, and you were not. That's gotta sting. She had you both sussed out.

I think there were lots of signposts along the way but you chose to overlook them for reasons that are probably somewhere in your subconscious.

magoria · 03/09/2014 22:08

After all of this can you now see why his wife never wanted to become your friend and was upset with your communications?

Please make sure you don't let the line get blurred again if he tries to send you more songs that remind him of you etc.

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:09

Right ok we'll agree to disagree. I know my own mind and feelings and you can say it as many times as you like and as many different ways. Doesn't make you right. Thanks for taking the time for your input though.

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QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:14

Yes and no. She may well blame me for his feelings but ultimately they are his not mine. So yeah I can see why she would want to remove me from his life but no I can't understand why she would think doing so would fix everything for their marriage.

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sonjadog · 03/09/2014 22:14

So what happened when you spoke to him? Did he say he had romantic feelings for you? What did he think was going to happen?

sonjadog · 03/09/2014 22:17

I doubt she thought removing you would fix her marriage but it may have given her the chance to have a go at fixing it, which was not possible when his focus was on you.

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:24

I'm not sure what he thought was going to happen or more I'm not sure how he thought anything was going to happen but yes he said he had feelings for me.

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Perplexedaschips · 03/09/2014 22:25

He might not be happily married but that's not a good reason to have an affair.

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:26

I've never said it was. It was very much one sided feeling and I thought his wife was being unfair because I didn't think there was anything more than a friendship there.

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badbaldingballerina123 · 03/09/2014 22:32

Feelings my arse. Not feelings he wants to tell his wife about. Not feelings he wants to publicly acknowledge . Secret feelings , sent to you in seedy private messages behind his wife's back. Having feelings often equates to being aware your the only stupid chump who's willing to put up with it. If his wife had seen these messages he would have dumped your friendship like a steaming turd and probably declared he only sent them as he felt sorry for you.

Simply ego kibble for the both of you. Nom nom. Stupid songs nom nom , I miss yous nom nom. I bet you've both looked like hamsters gorging on those ego kibbles. And of course the ultimate ego kibble , go on line to talk about how your so important that this guy lies to his wife in order to see you. Nom nom nom.

Perplexedaschips · 03/09/2014 22:38

Look, everyone over the age of twenty knows secret relationships with a married person is dodgy. Especially if you have had a previous sexual relationship together. The correct thing to do is cool off when said 'friend' gets married.

It's not really a friendship you see.

You obviously must see this now that he has finally said so!

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:40

For a long time it was just a friendship. That is true. Things changed this year. I realised after reading back, he said that tonight. It all stems from the last visit so from then on yes you're right for one of us it was no longer purely a friendship.

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QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:43

And I will reiterate it was never a secret we were I contact. She mentioned it to his Sister who told me what was said so she 100%. She knew some of the content. What he told her. I'm under no illusion that she knew everything. She didn't. Would I mind if she read my messages? No. Would her husband mind if she read his over the last few months? Probably yes. The ones before that I wouldn't think so

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Perplexedaschips · 03/09/2014 22:49

Well I think it's an emotional affair and it has to end.

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:51

It has. Friendship is at the moment well and truly on the back burner.

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AnyFucker · 03/09/2014 22:56

Either of you could have stopped it before it got to this disastrous point. Ask yourself why you didn't. And if you say "I didn't realise" we won't believe you.

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 03/09/2014 22:56

That fine I don't need you to believe me. I know myself and that's what matters.

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QuietBeforeTheStorm · 04/09/2014 00:15

This thread has been bothering me a bit tonight. I came on for a bit of clarity on the situation and some advice. I got a lot of good advice but latterly the comments have been quite nasty. Lucky for me I can take it on the chin but actually I think a lot of what has been said is completely uncalled for.

I have tried to explain and put forward my thoughts as fully as possible but some people clearly just want to rip me to shreds. It's quite sad to see that in a place which I thought would be a good place for advice.

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FelicityFoxton · 04/09/2014 00:22

But you have been given advice - you just don't like the advice.

You're chatting into the night with a married man and declaring you miss each other ( as per your op ) . You know his wife feels threatened / doesn't like you. You've had a relationship with him before. And you accept daft songs etc from him.

And then you say you've no idea what you're supposed to have done wrong? Just back away from him and his marriage. You sound very invested

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QuietBeforeTheStorm · 04/09/2014 00:24

How have I not taken advice? I spoke to him regarding how inappropriate it had become and have told him we can't be friends. What more am I meant to do?

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FelicityFoxton · 04/09/2014 00:24

And you end your op with ' what do you think ? '

Well people have taken your invite and told you what they think. And I think you should stay away from other women's husbands. It's not a transparent friendship - which would of course be entirely different.

QuietBeforeTheStorm · 04/09/2014 00:24

And if you read the thread you'll see the context of the miss you comments.

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