Is this an emotional affair?

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

Man and woman had on off relationship for 2 years 7 years ago.

Man moved away, married and had children. Woman married, had children and then divorced and is single. They have kept in contact but no as frequent when she was married.

They speak at least one a week through email and at length. Messages are quite personal. Quite open that they miss each other. He sends songs that remind him of her, most indicating that at the least he has feeling for her but more along the lines that he loves her, she's the one that got away etc. Her response is usually a bit jokey such as "another one added to the playlist".

He had openly told her Mum (publicly and will say jokingly) that she is his future MIL.

What would you think?

[kaykayblue]

Mariposa - the thing is, even if it maybe took the OP longer to realise than people here think it would have taken them, once she did realise, she has taken steps to shut the situation down. And to be honest, I think that's all anyone can really do. Even if she was going through this with her eyes closed, or being naive, or whatnot, that's not something she can help.

I think it's easy to say "well I would have DEFINITELY done this", and maybe it's true, but some people just pick up on things like this later than others. Lots of people here (including me) are focusing on the fact that these two used to be romantically involved, but I can see that if they haven't been together in a LONG time, and she was at this guy's WEDDING even, well at some point those things just stop feeling relevant to you. I think that's where the OP is at.

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

Thanks kaykay. To be honest that sums it up. Our "relationship" was such a small part of our 12 year friendship that it just isn't at the forefront of my mind any more.

It wasn't until well after the wedding that I even knew that his wife had an issue with me. It was a very small wedding (16 people) and I was the "female best man". It's clear that people can't grasp the friendship I thought we had. But that exactly what I thought it was. A friendship and to be honest until the last visit that is exactly what I believe we did have. Things changed after that visit.

[ElisaGirl]

Sorry to wade in here - just my two cents worth. I've read through the whole thing and while there is malice in some of the posts, the overall point is still the same OP.

My overwhelming feeling is one of pity for his wife and while I appreciate that you didn't intend any harm, you did cross a line. By this, I mean that your perception of an adult male-female friendship is wrong and different from most people's viewpoint. If my husband was messaging an old flame on a regular basis, I'd be gutted. It is often said that men and women can't really be friends and I believe that is especially true in this case.

I also don't think you are helped here by stereotypes which would paint you as the OW, not helped by the fact that you're single and have history with this man. You've done the right thing in backing off and stopping this progressing. However, please listen to what others have said (even if it's tough reading) and accept that this was inappropriate right from the very beginning. You do bear some responsibility for that.

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

See I just don't think it's wrong (up until his feelings changing). I have many female/male friendships. I speak to them all and meet up with them all. I have always had majority male friends and it seems that some people think that once they got married I should not be allowed to maintain the same level of friendship as before. I appreciate that in this specific case it's gone tits up but in all my years of opposite sex platonic friendships it hasn't before. The same as when my female friends get married my friendship with them stays the same the same goes for the males. I won't apologise for that and I absolutely won't change that about myself.

I am also seeing someone and have been for a few months. When I said single I meant not living with/engaged/married. He knows full well what's going on and has read the messages as I asked him if I'd been out of order and he doesn't think I've done anything wrong.

[sonjadog]

I think men and women can be friends and I have had male friends all my life that there has been nothing romantic with at all. Personally I wouldn't do some of the stuff you say you have done with this friend, not because of any feelings on my own side but because I would feel it was unfair to my friend's partner, but we are all different and have different boundaries and you know what feels right for you.

Anyway, you have done the right thing now OP, and you did as soon as you realised what was going on. I think you deserve credit for that and some posters are being too harsh here.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Op if you were to get married would you really be ok with your husband maintaining a similar friendship with an ex ? Late night chats , remember when ect. Personally I wouldn't have married someone who had this sort of thing going on with an ex but each to their own. Would you really be ok with it ?

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

My husband was friends with two of his exes one who actually stayed with us for a while when she left her own husband. The other I didn't particularly care for so I wasn't involved in the friendship.

To be completely honest, it didn't bother me. They were friends while we were dating and marrying him didn't give me any right to tell him to stop speaking to either of them.