Is this an emotional affair?

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

Man and woman had on off relationship for 2 years 7 years ago.

Man moved away, married and had children. Woman married, had children and then divorced and is single. They have kept in contact but no as frequent when she was married.

They speak at least one a week through email and at length. Messages are quite personal. Quite open that they miss each other. He sends songs that remind him of her, most indicating that at the least he has feeling for her but more along the lines that he loves her, she's the one that got away etc. Her response is usually a bit jokey such as "another one added to the playlist".

He had openly told her Mum (publicly and will say jokingly) that she is his future MIL.

What would you think?

[Twinklestein]

OP - imagine if his wife was also an old friend of yours feeling hurt, would you feel so comfortable? Would you feel so cavalier? Wouldn't you back off?

And if you were the wife, how would you feel about late night conversations, songs and 'I miss yous'?

I think, because the wife isn't a friend you feel like you don't need to feel any responsibility to or compassion for her.

This woman obviously knows her husband fancies you, she lives with him, that's why she picked up on it way before you.

If neither of you fancied each other, if there were no late night messaging etc, well fine, but there are blurred lines here (sorry to quote that numpty), and I think her misgivings are valid.

[AnyFucker]

It's just my take on the situation, love. Worth no more nor any less than anyone else's

I think you should examine your own role in this a leetle more carefully though.

[AnyFucker]

Twinkle, don't fucking swear on this thread

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

What I trying to say is I really don't think up until now there has been anything wrong with us remaining friends from the point of view I had a few days ago.

Now obviously I am aware that it extends beyond friendship on his part of course I feel bad about it.

[AnyFucker]

< fingers in ears > < la la la >

[AnyFucker]

You have obviously convinced yourself that what you were doing is completely blameless. That it's ok to play along with "I love you's", romantic proclamations via the medium of song < bleuggh>, saying he wishes he was married to you and not his wife.

All completely above board and what "friends" say to each other, right?. Especially ones with a shared sexual past. Except, I think deep down you were getting a thrill from it. One up on the controlling wife, eh. How dare she try to control your friend. She needs to be shown it's not on

I wonder if she has ever cried herself to sleep if she ever saw any of your teenage declarations of mutual adoration. Her husband + a woman that isn't her. Whether she sat alone in another room as he messaged you 8pm-9pm-10pm-11pm. Whether she watched as he shooed his kids away so he could use family time on devising play lists for the one that got away. And you thought it was ok to be complicit in that.

Even before he "crossed the line" (your line is obviously very different to mine, but I think we have established that) how would you like to have been on the receiving end of all that ?

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

We see each other maybe 2-3 times a year. We aren't living in each other's pockets or anything like that.

I accepted a long time ago we wouldn't be friends, I still think it's a shame but understand why.

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

Smiley wasn't meant to be there

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

I'm sorry that happened to you but it's not the situation here. I don't look at him that way and wouldn't ever go there even if he was single.

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

Anyway he has just messaged so away to nip this in the bud.

[AnyFucker]

Good luck. I don't think you are a horrid person, btw. I think you are a bit short on self awareness though. < said kindly >

[AnyFucker]

This 2-3 times a year thing. It's not 2-3 times though a year is it ? It's clear that the ongoing contact imbetween meet ups is the problem, and yes, it's an emotional affair to finally get to the point

[AnyFucker]

a 9pm message ? I expect Controlling Wifey is putting the kids to bed, or clearing up the kitchen after dinner or some other family thing he is swerving to whisper sweet s to you

[AnyFucker]

sweet nothings

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

Oh FGS chase I was only meaning that it can't be a nice feeling.

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

Really? Wow. I came here for some advice but knock on with the sarky remarks. And for what it's worth his wife is working away so he'll have done all of that. He's not a model husband, granted but he's also not what many would like to believe.

[Perplexedaschips]

I think these e mails are secret and mildly, probably harmlessly flirtatious...but I think you know it's wrong and inappropriate but enjoy the contact/ attention.

[AnyFucker]

I don't need to "believe" anything about him. He is getting judged on the behaviour you have told us about. Even better the CW is away. Ask him how long he messages his wife for when they are apart.

[Perplexedaschips]

I think AF is right.

Sorry OP but you need to question your own motives in this.

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

There was no motive other than having a active friendship with the person I classed as one of my best friends. That is clearly fucked now but there was no other motive.

As I have said I have no feelings for him in any other way. If I enjoyed it I would have continued and not asked for advice and not brought it up with him. Bloody hell, some people really do assume the worst in everyone.

[AnyFucker]

I am sorry, OP. I am obviously pushing you too hard.

It's your life. You must live it how you see fit.

[AnyFucker]

If I were this wife, I would assume the worst of my husband (firstly) and of you (secondarily). Because of what you have done. No more, no less. her marriage has been undermined by the actions of both of you.

Yes, perhaps you will say if it wasn't you it would be some other woman

But you wouldn't want to think that really, because this has all been about the connection between the two of you

A shared sexual past. Ones that got away. Ongoing lovelorn romantic messaging over a long period of time.

That's not some randommer flirting with another randommer. It's marriage-wrecking stuff. Seriously. You write it off as trivial to lessen your own involvement, but to many people it is not.