Is this an emotional affair?

[QuietBeforeTheStorm]

Man and woman had on off relationship for 2 years 7 years ago.

Man moved away, married and had children. Woman married, had children and then divorced and is single. They have kept in contact but no as frequent when she was married.

They speak at least one a week through email and at length. Messages are quite personal. Quite open that they miss each other. He sends songs that remind him of her, most indicating that at the least he has feeling for her but more along the lines that he loves her, she's the one that got away etc. Her response is usually a bit jokey such as "another one added to the playlist".

He had openly told her Mum (publicly and will say jokingly) that she is his future MIL.

What would you think?

OP - just to point something out though, you only know how he interacts with you. The wife might have very well had a problem because of the way he speaks about you to her, or because he had admitted he still sort of had feelings for you, or even just because she had a bad feeling about it.

I understand what you mean, but just because you weren't clued into the reason why she was unhappy for you two to meet up, it doesn't mean that a legitimate reason didn't exist :)

No you are right it doesn't mean on doesn't exist. Doesn't mean one does either. Either way I don't think it was my responsibility to end a friendship because she wanted it to end. It was my friends choice and he chose not to for whatever reason. I don't feel guilty about staying friend with him when she didn't like it.

None of us are responsible for the problems in someone else's relationship. A spouse demanding that you are dropped as a friend may be acting reasonably or unreasonably but it's not your argument to settle, it's between the couple. However, once you realise that someone is crossing a line I think you have to speak up or, as I said at the outset, it's you that ends up being the scapegoat. Pissed off wives generally prefer to blame the woman and cowardly husbands will always let them

That's a lot happening in seven years. Do you mind me asking which of you ended the first phase when you went your separate ways?

You might have wondered at him making the future MIL remark to your mum. Otherwise I can see you might not have realised the tone was changing. I don't know what the wife does to keep "afloat and sane" when her husband ignores her objections by spending so much time contacting you. (How do you know whether he lies or minimises to her?)

Anyway that's not your problem but now that you've twigged he is not quite as purely platonic as he appeared to be you can decide what you do next.

I don't know whether it is an affair or any kind or not. I do know that he is treating his wife with utter disrespect in carrying on a relationship with you behind her back and against her objections. The MIL comment is crass. It's on him not you but surely you can't think his behaviour is OK?

As I said I don't think you've done anything wrong. His marriage and his wife's objections are issues for him and her, not you.
However now that you've noticed the tone change, I do think it's up to you to spell out that you both think it's inappropriate and are not interested.

I actually think that you're just as much to blame for this as he is .... Or at least , there's not a lot in it!

You say in your OP that you speak openly and at length every week and you say you miss each other. If I was his wife, you'd be getting it both barrels from me to back off. And yes, I would fully recognise that HE is the one married but still.... I think you're aware of what you're doing.

Just wind it down now and think of his wife and family as this idiot seems unable to do so

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "miss you" I say it to family and friends of both sexes all the time. I do miss having people around that I am close to.

We were in an on off relationship and during an off stage he got together with his now wife who fell pregnant very quickly. He moved country to be with her and his child. I don't remember specifically who ended the relationship, we were always more friends who blundered into relationship phases but ultimately always got on better as friends. It was most likely a mutual decision.

We do talk on a weekly basis, probably a couple of hours one evening of messages pinging back and forward. I am a night owl as is he, his wife is an early bird so it isn't an intrusion into their family time or anything like that. We sometimes chat briefly on skype when I'm with his family and they are on. This is usually early evening and I speak to him, his kids and if his wife is around her also. The feeling of dislike is not a mutual one. I think it's sad that the friendship could never be extended to her. She I think tolerates me in her company but doesn't like me being with her husband without her present. I'm not sure how she feels about us chatting between visits.

He also has never carried on a "relationship" behind her back with me. She knows we are friend, she does know we speak and she does know we see each other. None of it is cloak and dagger it is all very open.

Can you not try to make better friends with her?

Then you can stay friends with your friend and hopefully put the wife's mind at rest if she got to know you better/properly?

You are clearly on good terms with his family. It is easier to keep in touch when that sort of link is well established. As friends you are working on the principle he understands boundaries. I think I would gently say preferably asap that nice as it is to be in contact you wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea about the level of friendship.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure out how to approach it with him. I was planning on just waiting till he next get's in touch and broaching it then.

I have tried previously with her but have always come up against a brick wall so I just stopped to be honest. It was very clearly a waste of time to try and establish a friendship with her when it was so blatantly obvious she had zero interest in one.

Everyone is right when they point out this is disrespectful behaviour towards his wife. But it's also disrespectful behaviour towards you. I wouldn't let a married man use me for ego kibble in this way. Or use me to create drama in his marriage. I'm often astounded that people find this behaviour from a married person flattering.

Perhaps she has zero interest in a friendship because she suspects her husband has romantic feelings for you and will hope you will go away?

She might not be wrong, so let's give her some credit.

Let's hope he has just been a prat and said some in appropriate things and your normal friendship can resume.

I agree thorny that is 100% a possibility however she knows I won't go away because she knows that whatever happens I will still be close to his family. There is no way I could drop of the earth as far as they are concerned.

With that in mind I just think it's a shame as maybe if she had gotten to know me she would have realised that I have zero interest in her husband that way.

Why are you telling a married man how much you miss him and having regular chats into the night when she's in bed?

Come off it! Try and imagine you're his wife. Still think you're doing nothing wrong?

I'm sure she knows that but a lot of people are simply very unhappy with a partner being in close contact with an old flame. Call it insecurity, call it a sixth sense... it happens.

My exH left me for an old flame. I didn't know they were in touch and I probably wouldn't have objected if he'd said he wanted to remain friends. However, whenever he mentioned her (rarely) in conversation I would get a nasty sinking feeling and I chose to ignore it. My... as they say.... bad.

No I still don't think I have done anything wrong. We are talking 8,9,10,11 pm and 2-3am. And it's not like it's a gushy I miss you so much, wish you were here. It's more in conversation. Like "was out last night with your sis, cousin, x mutual friend and mutual friend, wish you'd been there was a good laugh. You were definitely missed". Or from him it's a standard "miss your face" message.

I tell all my friend who live far away Miss them. Male, female, gay, straight, married, in relationships and single. It's not something sordid. We have been friends for a long time, just because he got married doesn't mean he stops being my friend the same as when I was married he didn't stop being mine.

Sorry that was meant to read not 2-3-am

Dearly me - typos! On phone sorry!

You have been involved in this poor woman's marriage all this time.

You have been happy to have personal conversations, tell him you miss him, receive songs that say he is spending time thinking about you, he loves you and you are the one that got away.

All those hours, all that time he puts into you, all that thought to show you how much he cares for you, all those meaningful songs. And you have been doing this for years.

Where is this for his wife?

He ignores how his wife feels and meets up with you and you are happy to do so.

Perhaps she is an early bird because she is the poor sap getting up and looking after the kids in the morning because her H has been up late messaging you?

No wonder his wife wants nothing to do with you. Would you want a woman who was so much part of your marriage on such a negative basis?

I feel very sorry for her and hopes she finds a man who cares about her feelings one day.

I don't think you've done anything wrong either. Let them sort it out but, at the same time, tell him that you are not prepared to be anyone's 'OW' even if it's only in their head

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm not sorry for my friendship with him and won't apologise for it. I am sorry that for him it seems that friendship line has recently blurred for him.

I would be sorry of his wife was hurt because of what he has said to me but ultimately I do not feel like I am in the wrong. As I have said up thread I would never and have never let a partner dictates my friendships so I would let some else's partner do it. If my friend had cut contact with me because his wife had wanted it to him then that is his choice.

It has always been a friendship. It's only recently the messages have changed hence why I have posted here.

Your assumptions are wrong also they both work full time condensed hours in order to share care of their children.

My friendship up until recently is no different to that he has with my brother except they speak more than him and I do. You can try and paint me as the OW if you like but it's never been and never going to be the case. As soon as I realised his feelings may have changed I asked for advice on how to approach it and shut it down.

I am not quite buying your "what ? it's not my fault" stance, tbh

I think you are being disingenuous. I think you have both got something (flattery ? ego stroking ? illicit thrill at doing something you know bothers his wife ?) out of this on/off/love you/miss you/family time devouring on-going flirtation.

Just because you have been doing it in plain sight doesn't absolve either of you. Both of you have been cruel to his wife. Now you think he has gone too far. Two words: Fingers. Burned.

I can only say you're wrong anyfucker. You won't believe it but you actually are.