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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you speak to your DH during the day when he's at work?

111 replies

confusedmum2one · 21/09/2006 18:11

Hi

Sorry for the bizarre question.

DH leaves for work at 7am and usually gets home about 7.30pm. I don't have any contact with him during the day and when he gets in he usually says "I know you want to talk becuase you've just had baby chat all day but I want to relax and not talk because I've been talking all day".
He talks to me, but normally snippets pointing out things on the TV/football etc

He has an office job and mobile and email and I was wondering if you converse with your OH's whilst they're at work?

I'm starting to get a bit jealous/resent when he says "a girl at work did this at the weekend" or similar, makes me want to say "oh so you've got time to talk to her at work but not me". I know that's silly and of course you'll talk to the colleagues, I just think it'd be nice to get the odd phone call when he's at lunch or driving to a meeting?

Thanks

Thanks

OP posts:
flatmouse · 22/09/2006 14:00

I would if his work phone wasn't going to audix and his mobile wasnt switched off!

Altho i found an email entitled "NO I DO NOT WISH TO LEAVE A MESSAGE" did the trick and i got a return call within 3 mins.

joelallie · 22/09/2006 14:03

Mine rings me quite often. Sometimes for a specific reason - to ask how the kids were when then they went to school for example. But more often just to say hello.

sleepyhope · 22/09/2006 14:12

Hi
I think you have every right to be annoyed with his behaviour, my hubbie leaves home at 6 and comes home at about 6.15pm, so long hours too, but with these hours you need them more as you are on your own a lot longer.
I speak to him about 3 or 4 times a day and make sure he listens to me when he gets home, its usually me that needs a rest and doesn't talk that much as it is much harder to be at home than go to work!
Is there anyway you could leave baby with him all day i.e a saturday just so he realises? You also need to let me know that you need his support during the day too, even for only a 2 min phone call, so you don't go mad.
I hope it works out for you as he has to remember he had the baby too and its a tough job.

prettymum · 22/09/2006 14:15

mine calls me to see if his endless purchases from ebay have arrived, if ive posted his ebay items, if we need any shopping, and at the end how we all are and what we're up to.

dmo · 22/09/2006 14:21

yes i phone him at lunch
text/e-mail him all day too
he is my best friend we talk about everything
been married 11 yrs now and have 2 boys
i work longer hours than him so when i finish work he has always made tea and run me a bubble bath (which we share)
going to miss him so much next week he's off to ireland mon- fri with work but he always brings me a nice prezzi home

Smurfgirl · 22/09/2006 14:23

Sometimes, it depends on how busy he is at work.

lapsedrunner · 22/09/2006 15:03

Never, and it was the same pre ds.

charlii13 · 22/09/2006 15:18

my fiance leaves for work at 4.30am every morning whereas i start at 9am, so at 8am he rings for a chat then at lunch we always send at least 2 texts each. mind you, we've been together 5 1/2 yrs and it wasn't always like this. It started off like it, then it dwindled for a couple yrs where i was lucky to ever get a text! SO after persistent moaning from me, he decided it wasn't soooooo bad to stay in contact with me throughout the day, and now he loves it. But seriously, it doesn't mean somethings up if he don't text, e-mail etc.Point out to him the odd one wouldn't go a miss. Also try saying things like "my friend had such a lovely txt off her fella earlier, it was sooooooo sweet...."etc He'll soon start thinking maybe he should start doing summit like that for you 2!men and their pride.....ha
Good luck chick x

scotlou · 22/09/2006 16:28

I tend to phone dh at least once a day at work. He gets stressed at work (really hates it) so I like to phone him so he knows I am thinking about him. We do a lot of work together anyway -so some calls will start off work based. When I was on mat leave he woudl always phone me during teh day.
By the way, If my dh said that "off course his worl was more priority than me" I would be seriously pissed off!

smoggie · 22/09/2006 18:43

my dh works very similar hours to yours. I hardly ever ring him at work, he knows that if I do its usually something urgent. He's hardly ever in his office anyway - either on the hospital wards, doing lists or in clinic. We occasionally email if there's something I need to know or ask him to do on the way home but thats about it really.
My sis and her dh seem to talk constantly - whenever I'm out with her I'm amazed by how much she rings/texts him. He has a reasponsible job but its office based if that makes a diff I don't know but I'm afraid I think there's something a bit strange about having to speak constantly to your other half whilst they're at work. There can't be much to talk about on an evening if you're constantly in touch during the day surely.

cat64 · 22/09/2006 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

alligator · 22/09/2006 21:53

I phone dh at home generally 3 times a day. Firstly to let him know I got in safely (I cycle and he worries...with good reason) and to say good morning to dd. I then phone at lunch time for a quick general chat and to speak to dd as she is generally more awake by then. finally I ring to let him know what time I'm leaving so he knows what time to expect me home.

Judy1234 · 22/09/2006 22:05

Aren't most of these problems caused by the mother staying at home and not working at a job equally as interesting and demanding as the man's? Couldn't you solve a lot of the issues if both in the couple worked?

alligator · 22/09/2006 22:10

I am a mother Xenia and my problem might be solved if my job was as interesting as staying at home with a babe. unfortunately its as borign a fuck most of the time hence why i ring himself so often

cat64 · 22/09/2006 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

iota · 22/09/2006 22:32

how about if you have smoke breaks and make personal calls ?

theunknownrebelbang · 22/09/2006 22:37

My boss positively encourages my DH to "pop in and have a cuppa", lol, especially if he's in uniform.....

theunknownrebelbang · 22/09/2006 22:38

And I can multi-task lol, and continue working whilst talking to DH on the phone.

justamum · 23/09/2006 00:20

confusedmum- r u me? your dh could be mine! goes out at 7, back at 7. drive me mad because he prefers to watch tv instead of talking to ds for 1/2hr before his bedtime. he eats, comes on pc, sits with me for 30mins before bed at 10. Then he gets pissed off that I have told other people stuff that I haven't told him. I know he gets tired but i need him too, and just now I only get what seems like the scrag ends. I have just been prescribed ads for pnd and I know he is pissed off with me because I can't be the one looking after him. He keeps saying "what are you miserable about now?
sorry, i should start another thread.

2ndtime · 23/09/2006 20:08

Aw. Join the club Justamum. Do you want to join my commune for unwanted wives? I'm sure we'll have a riot!

calebsmummy · 24/09/2006 07:49

My DH works away from home all week pretty much every week, home at the weekends, so he does always call at least every evening.

He does call during the day sometimes but only if he wants me to do something for him and when he is on the phone at work, he gets distracted and goes silent for ages. This leaves me saying, 'If you are going to call and be so busy with other things that you don't talk, then DON'T CALL!!!!' Drives me mad!
It's like he calls me, then expects me to lead the conversation when I didn't call him in the first place...arrrggghhh!

I do expect a call every evening that he is away though and we normally just talk about the children and what they have been up to.

Do you have an evening meal together? Thats a nice time to have a chat. Also he really should forget about the laptop/tv at least to play with the baby for 10 minutes! It's not a lot to ask.

Mine does work long hours and I do feel like a single parent during the week (and at weekends at times when he is off doing Aikido...like all this weekend, though he does have DS1 (12) with him) but he is a great daddy when he gets home. The boys are so pleased to see him and are all over him, so as your daughter gets older I am sure this will be the case. She won't let him near the laptop, lol.

I hope things get better for you confusedmum. It's hard with a small baby and being so far away from family/freinds, but it does get better. I fill my days with seeing friends/nursery runs etc and it does make the day go by quicker. Also it means I have someone else to talk about the trials and tribulations of life.

Maybe he does need to switch off when he gets home, but then so do you. You need to be able to talk as it's even harder for you than me. At least mine at 12, 3 and 21 months can have a a conversation (albeit about tractors and Bob the Buildre with the younger 2!)

Original poster
confusedmum2one · 24/09/2006 09:28

thanks everyone for your replies and advice

The past couple of days have been a lot better between DH and I and so fingers crossed what I've been saying has been sinking in. I think when I spoke to him about it during the week he was really tired and fed up and he didn't have any empathy with me. Now I think he's had time to take it in and, I'm pleased to say, is definately making more chat and more attention.

HE EVEN CUT THE GRASS YESTERDAY! sorry for shouting but its the first time in a year!

Justamum - hugs to you, why don't you start a new thread about your situation, I have received some good ideas and shared situations as you can see in this thread. Sounds like you're having a hard time at the moment. Some men need a lot of attention - mine is one of them. I was close to going to the docs to see if I needed ADs because I was feeling low most of the time and crying alot. When I mentioned this to DH (a few months back) he didn't have a good attitude about them, he thought then I'd have a daily reason to be down because "I'm depressed and on ADs" IYKWIM?

thanks

OP posts:
crazydazy · 24/09/2006 09:53

Yes DP calls me about 3 times through the day, mainly to ask how the kids are though. When I am at work he doesn't call me very often.

If we've had a tiff though he doesn't call me at all.

izzybiz · 24/09/2006 10:04

My Dp is a builder, and him and his brother have their own business, they have a few men that work for them, and my Dp often comes home and says about the amount of calls they make and recieve from their other halves!

My dp will phone me if he wants me to do something and im the same with him. We never call to say "hello".

I have a friend whos Dh calls her about 6 times a day! When is he working? I agree with cat64.
Dp doesnt smoke either, so doesnt take fag breaks all the time.

Twinkie1 · 24/09/2006 10:20

DH leaves the house at 6.15 each day and returns at 5 - 5.30, he has a desk based job and I know he is busy from about 7am - 11.30 when the markets open but after that I would say I speak to him anything from once to five times with texts in between if I kneed to ask him anything and sometimes emails if he is too busy to answer the phone or I am logged on and want to speak to him or sometimes just to tell him I love him (I have only been married a couple of months!)

I would ring him if I were you at least once a day.