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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you speak to your DH during the day when he's at work?

111 replies

confusedmum2one · 21/09/2006 18:11

Sorry for the bizarre question.

DH leaves for work at 7am and usually gets home about 7.30pm. I don't have any contact with him during the day and when he gets in he usually says "I know you want to talk becuase you've just had baby chat all day but I want to relax and not talk because I've been talking all day".
He talks to me, but normally snippets pointing out things on the TV/football etc

He has an office job and mobile and email and I was wondering if you converse with your OH's whilst they're at work?

I'm starting to get a bit jealous/resent when he says "a girl at work did this at the weekend" or similar, makes me want to say "oh so you've got time to talk to her at work but not me". I know that's silly and of course you'll talk to the colleagues, I just think it'd be nice to get the odd phone call when he's at lunch or driving to a meeting?

Thanks

OP posts:

threebob · 22/09/2006 05:08

Dh rings maybe once a week - just to say hello.

He will always call if either of us has been to the doctor, had an important work or preschool thing going on or if we weren't awake when he left (more likely for this to be ds).

He called a lot when ds was little as he knew I was on my own a lot - now I work it's slimmed down.

mumfor1standfinaltime · 22/09/2006 05:32

That sounds tough. My dh has an office job too but not such long hours. I usually email him during the day for chats or he phones me, usually when I've just got ds off to sleep doh!

Maybe you could try to send him an email to say hi, or a text. Surprise him and tell him you miss him.

earlgrey · 22/09/2006 07:33

I'm lucky if H speaks to me at all ......

SewingMadMummy · 22/09/2006 07:37

All the time. Have lots of issues that he needs to help with!! He is a HGV driver so you may see him pootling down the M1 Bluetooth in ear talking to me!!

munz · 22/09/2006 07:43

not normally at work unless it's an emergancy and on his mobile.

mostly thou he's home for lunch at 12.30 and home for the day at 4.30 so no need really.

mcmum · 22/09/2006 07:51

Yes all the time ! he works from home

munz · 22/09/2006 07:55

ooh when I was working thou in an office and he was at home then yes we did email all the time back and forth having a chat/he would ring me.

fairyjay · 22/09/2006 09:00

We work together - sometimes wish he'd talk to me less

gegs73 · 22/09/2006 09:17

We MSN each other on and off all day. Usually due to one of us being bored, him telling me about some 'interesting' fact - husband is abit of a geek or me asking him to buy bread on his way home from work.

Mellowma · 22/09/2006 09:36

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 22/09/2006 09:41

Never been a housewife. Perhaps one solution is that both spouses work full time so you both have the same issues whether to chat or be quiet after a day's work etc.

codwiggle · 22/09/2006 09:41

mine is always away so if i never spoke to it.

codwiggle · 22/09/2006 09:43

sorry!on phone
if i never rang him id never speak to him

iota · 22/09/2006 09:44

it's feast and famine here - my dh is either working at home or in the Southern hemishpere

bababoo · 22/09/2006 09:49

DP texts alot on his breaks but we pick him up in the car each day as he can't drive. I know what you mean about girls in the office being mentioned -winds me up for no reason(probably just knowing there are people out there who have brushed their hair by 9am tbh). text him like mumfor1 says, talk to him about it definitely.

kittylette · 22/09/2006 09:56

DF leaves for work at 8am, and he'll ring at least twice during the day ... once on his lunch break and another when hes just skiving!

he just rings to say he loves me and misses us all & to say what time he will be home (even though its always 5! lol

the calls really cheer me up.

but i do feel jealous sometimes as he manages the stockroom of a vey well known sex shop and hes the only male there with 25 girls!! but i trust him implicitly! -though it doesnt help my confidence when i roll in there with my double buggy and 'ive had 2 kids - and cant you bloody tell' body & theyre all dressed in the suit of the week - playboy bunny outfit! LMAO

Danielle xx

MadamePlatypus · 22/09/2006 10:07

Probably talk about once a day for a minute or two at around lunchtime depending on how busy we are. Usually phone again at about 6.30 to check when he will get home.

beckybrastraps · 22/09/2006 10:11

Now I asked dh about this last night. Not the talking during the day bit, but the not talking in the evening. He said he has the car joourney back for "downtime", and by the time he's back home he's ready for a chat. Not talking all evening would be very odd. When we both worked full time we didn't sit quietly in the evening. We talked. And I had a VERY vocal job.

MadamePlatypus · 22/09/2006 10:13

just reading through the rest of the thread. What do any of us do on a day to day basis that couldn't be described as 'mind numbingly boring?' I bet Angelina gets bored of hearing about another day of what Brad did on set. However, discussing the 'boring' stuff is part of family life. I think this is a bit of a red light.

morningpaper · 22/09/2006 10:15

TheRealCam · 22/09/2006 10:17

For the 12 hours a week that dh is my boss (office at home) he talks to me non-stop.

For the 15 hours a week that I work outside the home, I am virtually uncontactable but I phone him once or twice a day.

When he is in London or at meetings elsewhere we talk on and off for most of the day, on his mobile, anything from domestic minutiae upwards.

My dh talks more than most men (and women) I have ever met

Original poster

confusedmum2one · 22/09/2006 11:44

Hi everyone

Thanks for all your replies, only just managed to get logged on as our internet seems a bit unsteady today.

Mama - you're right, I see me telling him about what the electrician said about the light switches etc to not be classed as mindnumbingly boring. Likewise if I tell him about us meeting up with local mums etc. It feels just like he only wants to be part of a relationship in the present tense IYSWIM? As in, when he's wanting to talk I am supposed to be here with riveting conversation, when he wants to go out and do something exciting I'm supposed to have the house in order etc so I can say yeah lets go and do that etc. He's not interested in my life when he's at work.

Well, I talked to him last night. To begin with he said he was sorry if I felt like I was bottom priority and he'd make more of an effort to text/email (I explained just once in a blue moon would be fab, I don't expect daily ones even!). Then I said I felt a bit pushed out because when he gets in he likes to use the laptop - it's in our living room and he generally is glued to it/the TV for most of the evening. Again he seemed quite open to it and shut the laptop and gave me a nice cuddle. BUT then things went downhill because I, stupidly, said that I thought he should wait to surf the internet until our little one is in bed because he's late in he literally sees her for a 10 mins before she goes to bed. Last night he had her in one arm and surfing the internet with the other arm. His attention was on the laptop not her, she was getting bored and crabby and she was tired. So then it gets turned around and suddenly he forgets how nice he's been and starts (verbally) attacking me - how of course his work is his priority not me, how this is the last thing he wanted to come home to (I said I was hesitant to bring it up with him as he usually gets wound up after discussions/heart to hearts) He said if I knew it wound him up why did I bring it up? I replied that I was unhappy in our marriage so thought it was important to communicate with him!

Arrgghhh!!

Well last night I felt quite distant to DH but I think the stress of his job at the moment is a big part of this. I'm prepared to stick by him and try and support him as much as I can. I sent him a text this morning about something and he replied so I think we made some progress :-)

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

2ndtime · 22/09/2006 13:53

Your DH sonds just like mine. The ONLY time I get a phone call while he's at work will be for him to ask me to record something on telly. He would never think to ask how I got on at the hospital, or how the kids get on with their doctors appointments/dentist etc. I do all the appointments, parties, shopping, school runs etc, even though his work hours often allow him to be around at those times. He would never dream of offering to help or even just coming with us to spend time together.

I feel as though it's us (me & 3 kids) and him on his own. He meets all his own needs. Watches telly non stop when he's home to the cost of everone else. Woe betide a child who gets between him and the screen! He goes out to the pub whenever the mood takes him. On Monday that was 2 o'clock in the afternoon! I am never informed where he's going or who with and get short shrift if I dare to ask.

He does work very hard and puts in lots of hours but his time off is all about him and I don't feel like he's part of our family anymore.

Me and the kids are fine without him but it was never supposed to be like this. I wanted to be appreciated, loved and cherished in our marriage but feel like I've become his house keeper/mother. The kids dont ever ask where he is if he's away for a few days and would never go to him with a problem or worry.

Sorry for hi-jacking your thread but you have my total sympathy. Some men are just not designed for family life and we were the mugs who married them!

Don't mean to offend you by calling you a mug but I feel like one. I put up with it because I love him and although I hate the way he hurts me I couldn't hurt him by leaving him. See what I mean. I've got mug written all over me!

NomDePlume · 22/09/2006 13:55

Yes, usually text him a cpl of times a day and speak to him (quick 2 mins convo) once a day.

bananaloaf · 22/09/2006 13:57

when dh was working he used to phone 3/4 times a day! now i work fulltime and he is a home i hardly phone.

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