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Original poster

Would it bother you never getting married?

279 replies

Wineandmorewine · 28/08/2014 12:07

Hi all,

DP and I have been together for 6 years, we have a DD2 and I am currently 5 months pregnant with our second, have also just bought our own house and due to move into that in November.

Last night we were discussing the upcoming wedding of our best and DP stated that he has decided he never wants to get married and is totally against it! This has come as a bolt out of the blue as it is something which we had always planned to do (have had many conversations about what type of wedding we would like etc) and also something that is very important to me. When I asked why the change of heart he said that he has seen so many go wrong eg. His parents and grandparents and he wouldn't want to put out DC through that.

Whilst I understand his point, I also said that regardless of whether or not we are married, a break up would effect our children either way and that if we are married we will be in a better place legally.
So I'm asking, what would you do? Do I give up on ever getting married and keep things as they are? Do I leave him in pursuit of marriage?? Which seems silly as it's him I want to marry! Do I try and convince him or is it best I leave it and hope he changes his mind?
Has anyone ever been in this situation?
Thanks for any advice Smile

OP posts:
EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 29/08/2014 12:36

DP and I have been together for 28 years (not married) and have two grown-up children. We made Wills, the house is in joint names and we set up Trust Funds with a guardian when the children were young, just in case anything happened to either (or both( of us.

As long as all the financial stuff is tied up and secure, you don't need an enforced piece of paper (or a ring) to declare your love for someone. (Just my opinion, of course).

We have a happy, secure, loving relationship and are a happy, secure, loving family in general. And, importantly, the financial bits and bobs are taken care of.

Thurlow · 29/08/2014 12:40

motherinferior, we seem to be the same person Grin "Force" is exactly the word DP and I would use should we ever feel that we have no other alternative than to get married.

It's not "entirely" reasonable for the state to incentivise marriage, as marriage is inherently about romantic love and the ideal of monogamy.

It would be entirely reasonable for the state to incentivise people to ensuring that they have some form of legal arrangement that protects everyone involved.

With the long-overdue legalisation of same sex marriages, the time has come to look at the next significant and recent changes to society, which includes couples who wish to be together but do not wish to enter into marriage. And as I said before, that is not an essentially bizarre idea. If another Western country (France) can accept that tying the legal transference of property into marriages, which can only occur between certain parties, then it's probably time for the UK to look into that as well. Because it offers protection not simply to unmarried couples, but to other family structures (back to the elderly sibling argument).

Polonium · 29/08/2014 12:40

Motherinferior - if your partner decided he wanted to live as a Buddhist and give all his money to good causes tomorrow, would you be able to support your family entirely alone? Would you be able to contribute towards their university costs? Or would you be dependent on your fellow taxpayers? While your now non-working partner pays nothing towards raising his children or supporting them through university.

Thurlow · 29/08/2014 12:46

Eh, polonium? I don't get what that scenario has to do with marriage.

It's so depressing that the only scenario of marriage you seem to be able to imagine is one where the wife doesn't work and is entirely reliant on the husband.

It's like debating marriage with someone who lives in the 1950s.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 29/08/2014 12:47

Polonium - has this scenario happened to many people you know? Or is it just a wild, imaginary example?

motherinferior · 29/08/2014 12:49

Yep, what about if I decided to withdraw my rather substantial contribution to our household income?

Polonium · 29/08/2014 12:53

Hakluyt - how do I despise you?

I should perhaps point out that I'm not married, by choice. I'm in a long monogamous relationship with children. Just to save you making too much of a tit of yourself. Hmm

mrsbrownsgirls · 29/08/2014 13:01

The marriage debate always makes me squirm.

One partner wants to marry the other partly so that in the unlikely event of a split they are "protected" . ( gets some dosh )

And that's a selling point to the other party...how, exactly?

SirChenjin · 29/08/2014 13:05

It shouldn't have to be a selling point....financial security and safety should be something that you simply want to put in place for your partner

mrsbrownsgirls · 29/08/2014 13:09

My ex was a SAHD to our 3 children.

I owned my home and a business before we ever met.
He owned nothing apart from debts of a few thousand which I paid off, because we were a family, and I could afford to.

Once the children were all at school he did not return to work.Even though his skills were in demand , but this is not about the specifics of our situation .
This wore me down and was the cause of a great deal of resentment .

We split up a year ago.

Am i glad we never got married? You bet.

Women are often the higher earner in a marriage.
It sounds like OP is a higher earner , currently on a career break. The legal and financial protection she seeks could come back to bite her 20 years down the line. No one knows.

I totally get wanting to get married for the romantic statement but when it gets down to the hard stuff about a fair share in the event of a split there will often be one person in the couple who is disadvantaged by this and who may be reluctant.

mrsbrownsgirls · 29/08/2014 13:10

OP sorry if I have missed it, but has he given any reason for his change of heart? That seems very odd .

mrsbrownsgirls · 29/08/2014 13:12

unfortunately, sirC, there are many people who do set out to "fleece " the person they once loved. And if you see it close up in your family/ friends circle it makes you wary. And rightly so.

SirChenjin · 29/08/2014 13:15

I know that's the case MrsB - which is why it's so important to ensure that both of you are protected financially.

mrsbrownsgirls · 29/08/2014 13:16

but the fleecee HAD put financial protection in place and got fleeced

SirChenjin · 29/08/2014 13:19

I guess that's one of the (many) downsides to splitting up, sadly.

Polonium · 29/08/2014 13:22

People often say they got fleeced when in fact all they did was have to share according to principles of fairness.

EvansOvalPiesYumYum · 29/08/2014 13:23

MrsBrown - that can happen within or outside marriage, sadly. Someone will usually come off (what they perceive) to be worse than the other party.

Polonium · 29/08/2014 13:25

If you meet when you're both young and your relationship proceeds seamlessly into marriage, it's reasonable that the wealth is split 50:50 regardless of who earns it or owns it on paper.

Polonium · 29/08/2014 13:39

My friend had a 20 year relationship and 2 children with a now successful surgeon. They met at med school and after their foundation years, she went part time to look after first one then two children. She worked for him then as he built up his private practise. When the kids went to uni! my friend then decided to retrain as a lecturer in the human sciences at a local college and a nurse took over her role in his practise. Within 6 months, her partner announced he was leaving to set up home with his nurse employee who was now pregnant (though that wasn't revealed until many months later). My friend received her half of the house and nothing else.

Ff 8 years and the employee is now divorcing her surgeon husband.

Thurlow · 29/08/2014 13:59

Sorry OP, this thread has got considerably off point!

There are plenty of people who are happy to not be married, but you know that nothing matters apart from what you feel.

I would say a lot of it comes down to the practicalities. If you feel that not being married puts you in a difficult and precarious financial position, and your OH refuses to acknowledge what needs to be done to make you safer - that for me would be a very big thing, even a potential relationship ender.

If financially and legally you are fine, then it comes down to whether your desire to get married is greater or lesser than your desire to be with your partner, really.

DaisyFlowerChain · 29/08/2014 16:13

It was a deal breaker for me as I didn't want children unless I was married. Quite an old fashioned view I know but one my mum installed in me. I wanted the relationship to be long term and as stable as possible before introducing children. Everyone has their own views.

I see marriage as a commitment and hate when it's bandied about as do it for legal reasons, usually money/property in the event of a split.

motherinferior · 29/08/2014 16:19

I'm sorry for your friend, though why on earth she took a job as her husband's sidekick for over a decade is slightly beyond me.

TheWordFactory · 29/08/2014 16:28

With my lawyers hat on I would Always advise marriage under uk law. Legal protection is far easier and flexible, tax is not an issue etc.

Polonium · 29/08/2014 19:13

My friend viewed the arrangement as a practical solution and thought they were all working for a common purpose. She's very successful in her own right now. And she's very outspoken about the pitfalls of women going part time or giving up their careers in order to do the rump of the childcare.

Polonium · 29/08/2014 19:16

DaisyFlowerChain - Not old fashioned at all. Very modern in fact.